Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, if you want to get through your hategrief, you have to focus on one single thing!

Elena Gilbert: I tried, Stefan! I tried focusing on smashing these concrete blocks, I focused on smashing those wooden boards, I focused on doing pullups, and I even focused on the awesome CW soundtrack! But the only thing I can get happy about is my idiotic quest to murder a vampire five hundred years my senior!

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so when I said “focus on one single thing,” I was kinda talking about Little Stefan.

Elena Gilbert: …I’m gonna go take a shower.

Stefan Salvatore: Need help? :-)=

Elena Gilbert: No.

Stefan Salvatore: :-(=

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Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I’m valedictorian!

Matt Donovan: And I got a full ride college scholarship!

Bonnie Bennett: And I have an actual, interesting plot line!

Elena Gilbert: Huh. Back at school. Yep, the Salvatores have finally resorted to torture.

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Damon Salvatore: Man! I can’t believe it’s been five whole hours and Elena still isn’t doing exactly what we want!

Stefan Salvatore: This sucks! It’s almost like the world doesn’t revolve around us anymore!

Katherine Pierce: Hi guys! Since Nina Dobrev is currently playing a desiccating corpse, I figured I’d drop by and wreak vastly entertaining havoc!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s great Katherine!

Damon Salvatore: Except we aren’t in this episode!

Katherine Pierce: :-(=

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Bonnie Bennett: Okay, thanks for filling me in on all of the past week’s wacky shenanigans, Stefan! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run an errand in the most popular spot in town!

Stefan Salvatore: The Grill? The High School? My living room? We don’t really have a whole lot of other sets.

Bonnie Bennett: No, silly! The cemetery!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Bonnie! I’m dead, but it’s all right! You can make all of this better by ending the world just a little bit!

Bonnie Bennett: That sounds like a great idea!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Also, this is a dream! Also, you may have set your house on fire in your sleep.

Bonnie Bennett: Wow, it’s almost like I’m slowly losing control of my powers, posing a danger to myself and everyone around me!

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Rebekah: Elena Consuela Gilbert, you get your pert little butt back in this car right this instant!

Elena Gilbert: Chill out, Rebekah! I have to pee!

Rebekah: Okay, two things. One, we stopped at a gas station just ten minutes ago, and you could have peed there. Two, you’re a vampire, and you don’t even pee.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, so be “pee” I meant “tear out an innocent bystander’s throat in the middle of the sidewalk in broad daylight in front of dozens of witnesses, thereby demonstrating exactly how many shits I do not give.”

Rebekah: And I suppose you’ve forgotten all about our plan to track down Katherine, steal the cure, preserve your immortality and get me pregnant?

Elena Gilbert: Hey, maybe we’ll find a clue to Katherine’s whereabouts here in town!

Rebekah: Oh come on, the odds of running into someone who even knows who Katherine is in this random podunk town are about a million to–

Lanie: Hi Katherine! Good to see you again! Would you care for a quick sip from my cephalic vein? Have you picked up any other supernatural trinkets you’d like me to hide in my sock drawer? Any dastardly plans I can assist you with and then immediately forget?

Rebekah: …Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

A Pretty Lady: Look! That guy is either dead or, like pretty much everyone else in this city at this time of night, passed out in the gutter after a sixteen hour gin and coke bender!

The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: What? I don’t see anyone there!

Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! My hair is awesome and you’re both dead!

A Pretty Lady: :-(

The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: :-O

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

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Something shocking happened in Steubenville recently. Two young men were convicted, actually convicted, of rape. They can’t play football anymore! They might not graduate on time! What will happen to their college careers? Or their career careers? And then they got jail sentences! Why, it’s almost as if it isn’t safe to be a rapist anymore!

But worry not, young sexual assailants! I’m here to help! I know that being convicted of rape can have devastating consequences for any young man, and even the allegations of rape can haunt a man for the rest of his life. What’s a virile young stud to do?

Get your notebooks, kids, because this plan is detailed, and maybe even a little hard to follow. But if you’re diligent, if you take my advice to heart, you can save yourself from the fate of the Steubenville rapists. Ready?

A Virtually Flawless Plan to Stop a Rape Conviction from Ruining Your Life:

1. Don’t rape anyone

A bold plan, I know, but it’s almost 100% guaranteed to save you from being labeled a rapist for the rest of your life. “But,” you ask, because you’re an asshole, “what about those bitches who run around screaming ‘rape rape rape’ every time some guy uses some roofies to loosen her up a little bit?”

Ah, therein lies the secret to my plan. You see, somewhere around two percent of rape accusations are false. That means 98 times out of 100, if someone says you raped them, you actually did! So by simply not raping anyone, you instantly have a 98% chance of protecting yourself from the devastating consequences of a rape conviction! Amazing!

“But,” you ask, because you’re still an asshole, “just what is rape? It’s not like ‘no’ means ‘no’. Some bitches just need convincing!” Ah, a common misconception (among shitheads)! But it turns out that 97% of grammarians agree, the word “no” does actually indicate lack of consent!

“So you’re saying,” you posit, because you’re still a shit weasel, “that I have to get her drunk before I fuck her?” No! In a stunning blow to rapists everywhere, courts have found that the inability to consent is the same thing as lack of consent! Not giving her the chance to say “no” just isn’t good enough!

“But,” you interject, because your soul is as putrid as your genitalia, “how am I supposed to get my rocks off if I have to get a girl’s permission before I stick it in her?”

Well, good sir, try this: go fuck yourself, instead.

previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Since I am contractually obligated to remove the fun from any and all situations, I must voice my deep concerns that Elena has become an interesting character!

Damon Salvatore: And as your roguish yet charming, slightly evil, and more attractive brother, I must disagree!

Stefan Salvatore: But Damon! She turned off her human emotions! And burned down her own house! While her brother was still inside!

Damon Salvatore: Oh come on … he was already dead!

Stefan Salvatore: And you aren’t the least bit concerned that the girl you love is going to turn into a clone of the girl you hate? You know, since she is played by the same actress and all.

Damon Salvatore: Please, it’s not like she’s throwing herself down in the middle of the road, waiting for some hapless jerk to stop and offer assistance, and then eating the poor fool as soon as they get out of the car!

Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! For I have fallen, and I can’t get up!

SOme Hapless Jerk: Egads, this is terrible! Allow me to offer assistance!

Elena Gilbert: :-)=

Stefan Salvatore: You were saying?

Damon Salvatore: Shut up.

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Quick update on my various and sundry writing projects.

The Wild Hunt – The Godless Saint – Book One is rolling right along. I’m 67,000 words into the first draft, which is about half way through the novel. And yes, that’s a lot of words. The Wild Hunt looks like it’s going to be roughly twice as long as Sire and Scion, my contributions to the “pretty teenage vampires” genre. I work on The Wild Hunt every night, and add about 5,000 words per week to the manuscript. At that rate it should take me twelve weeks to complete the story, at which point I’m going to put out a call for beta readers.

Speaking of, I got some great feedback from my beta readers on Scion, and I’m currently in the process of editing that novel. The good news is most of the story is going to stay as-is, though the order of some events is going to get shuffled around. I am changing the tone of one of the major plot threads and adding a few new scenes, though. I work on Scion over the weekends, and hope to have the edits done in about one month, at which point I’ll probably put out a call for a final set of beta readers for that, too.

And then there’s the TVD recaps. I write those on Friday nights or Saturday mornings. Those all get published here, and Season Four will be collected as an eBook as soon as the season wraps. I should start poking The Lady to make me a cover so that I can get it up as soon as possible, actually.

Anyway! It’s time for you, my beloved readers, to share your thoughts. This week’s question is two-fold, and has to do with output.

First, do you prefer one or two longer works per year (we’re talking 70,000 – 100,000 word novels here, somewhere between 200 and 400 pages), or several shorter novellas per year (think four 30,000 word / 100 page stories)?

Second, how important is rigorous copy-editing to you? Does a misplaced comma make you throw a book away in disgust, or would you prefer to let some errors in if it means you get more stories faster?

Let me know in the comments.

previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Nice of you to join us! While you were off pulling splinters out of Rebekah’s paws, Katherine Pierce made her glorious return, ate Jeremy, and gave the scraps to Silas! Now Jeremy’s dead, Silas is alive, Katherine has the only thing that can kill him, Bonnie is off making googley eyes at her hallucinations, and Elena is sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth, singing Single Ladies to herself.

Damon Salvatore: Okay, well we just have to – wait, what? Single Ladies?

Stefan Salvatore: You know, if you like it you shoulda put a Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying on it?

Damon Salvatore: But Jeremy was one of the Five. The ring won’t work on him.

Stefan Salvatore: And therein lies the hook for the rest of the season.

Damon Salvatore: Okay! This calls for some decisive action. So you grab Elena and take her home, and I’ll be over here ignoring this whole damn thing. Later! Zoom!

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