Something shocking happened in Steubenville recently. Two young men were convicted, actually convicted, of rape. They can’t play football anymore! They might not graduate on time! What will happen to their college careers? Or their career careers? And then they got jail sentences! Why, it’s almost as if it isn’t safe to be a rapist anymore!
But worry not, young sexual assailants! I’m here to help! I know that being convicted of rape can have devastating consequences for any young man, and even the allegations of rape can haunt a man for the rest of his life. What’s a virile young stud to do?
Get your notebooks, kids, because this plan is detailed, and maybe even a little hard to follow. But if you’re diligent, if you take my advice to heart, you can save yourself from the fate of the Steubenville rapists. Ready?
A Virtually Flawless Plan to Stop a Rape Conviction from Ruining Your Life:
- Don’t rape anyone
A bold plan, I know, but it’s almost 100% guaranteed to save you from being labeled a rapist for the rest of your life. “But,” you ask, because you’re an asshole, “what about those bitches who run around screaming ‘rape rape rape’ every time some guy uses some roofies to loosen her up a little bit?”
Ah, therein lies the secret to my plan. You see, somewhere around two percent of rape accusations are false. That means 98 times out of 100, if someone says you raped them, you actually did! So by simply not raping anyone, you instantly have a 98% chance of protecting yourself from the devastating consequences of a rape conviction! Amazing!
“But,” you ask, because you’re still an asshole, “just what is rape? It’s not like ‘no’ means ‘no’. Some bitches just need convincing!” Ah, a common misconception (among shitheads)! But it turns out that 97% of grammarians agree, the word “no” does actually indicate lack of consent!
“So you’re saying,” you posit, because you’re still a shit weasel, “that I have to get her drunk before I fuck her?” No! In a stunning blow to rapists everywhere, courts have found that the inability to consent is the same thing as lack of consent! Not giving her the chance to say “no” just isn’t good enough!
“But,” you interject, because your soul is as putrid as your genitalia, “how am I supposed to get my rocks off if I have to get a girl’s permission before I stick it in her?”
Well, good sir, try this: go fuck yourself, instead.