Thomas Galvin
Purveyor of Fine Pulp Fiction

The best way to predict the future is to create it. -Peter Drucker

– A Goddam Lecture Hall –

The Blonde Chick: I used to live in Butthole, Alaska, which, as you know, doesn’t see the sunlight for thirty days at a time. And as you also know, everyone in Butthole was killed last winter, except for me. Now, I know the official story is that a rabid polar bear ate everyone, but I’m here to tell you the real story. It was vampires. The end.

The Audience: Laughs.

The Blonde Chick: Yeah yeah, laugh it up. But I have proof! A couple of vampires always show up to these talks, so I brought some bajillion-watt tanning lamps!

The Vampires in the Audience: She’s bluffing.

The Blonde Chick: Bajillion-watt tanning lamp power activate! Literally!

The Vampires in the Audience: Burn, screech, die.

The Audience: Screams, runs, calls the police.

– The Goddamn Police Station –

The Wanna Be Vampire Cop: Hi blonde chick! That was quite a hoax you pulled tonight. Yes, a very clever hoax. So clever, some people might doubt whether or not it was a hoax, but of course, you’ll set them straight and tell them it was a hoax.

The Blonde Chick: I’m getting the sense you want me to pretend this was all a hoax.

The Wanna Be Vampire Cop: Hoax!

– A Goddamn Classy Motel –

The Blonde Chick: Well, it’s nice to be home, now I’ll just pop some tranquilizers, shoot some jack, clean my pistol, and-

The Rugged Male Lead: Hi!

The Blonde Chick: Murder the people who broke into my hotel room.

The Rugged Male Lead: Wait! We’re a team of vampire hunters! I’m the Rugged Male Lead!

The Cannon Fodder Minority: I’m the cannon fodder minority!

The Useless Bitch: And I’m a useless bitch!

The Rugged Male Lead: We’re planning on invading a bunch of vampire nests, even though the sensible thing would be to light the building on fire or blow it up or something! Wanna come?

The Blonde Chick: Boy do I!

Random Vampire: Grr!

Team We Hate Vampires: Bang!

Random Vampire: Dies.

The Blonde Chick’s Neighbors: Huh. They just blew that guy’s head off. Should we call the cops? No? Okay.

– Goddamn Lilith’s Goddamn Hideout –

Lilith: Hi! I’m Mia Kirshner! This movie is paying my rent!

The Wanna Be Vampire Cop: Don’t worry, Lilith! I solved your “only human to ever survive a vampire attack, who is now going around the world telling anyone that will listen about vampires” problem!

Lilith: Cool! How?

The Wanna Be Vampire Cop: I made angry faces at her!

Lilith: Facepalm.

– The Goddamn Safehouse –

The Classy Emo Vampire: Hi Blonde Chick! Tonight, the part of “Vampire With a Soul” will be played by me!

The Blonde Chick: I don’t trust you!

The Classy Emo Vampire: Look! Bags of blood from the Red Cross! Which I will now drink from, and which I in no way have here simply in order to fool you!

The Blonde Chick: I believe you!

The Classy Emo Vampire: Great! Well, here’s the address of a local vampire nest. You guys hit it up sometime after sunrise, while I chill out here!

The Blonde Chick: I believe you less now!

– A Goddamn Warehouse –

The Rugged Male Lead: Okay people, we’re about to invade a nest of super-strong, super-fast, nearly impossible to kill murder machines! So we better be prepared!

The Blonde Chick: I have a shotgun with five rounds!

The Useless Bitch: I have a pocket knife!

The Cannon Fodder Minority: I covered myself in barbecue sauce!

The Rugged Male Lead: All right, let’s do this!

A Bunch of Vampires: Screech!

The Cannon Fodder Minority: Dies.

Team We Hate Vampires: Hide.

The Classy Emo Vampire: Hi guys! I showed up to save you! And catch a straggler vampire!

– The Goddamn Safehouse –

The Rugged Male Lead: Tell us where Lilith is!

Straggler Vampire: No!

The Blonde Chick: Bajillion-watt tanning lamp power activate! Literally!

The Classy Emo Vampire: He’ll die before he leads us to Lilith!

Straggler Vampire: What? Are you kidding? What do you want to know? I’ll tell you anything! Lilith’s location! The Colonol’s secret recipe! What the ending of Lost meant!

The Blonde Chick: Bajillion-watt tanning lamp power activate! Again!

Straggler Vampire: Goddammit.

– Goddamn Lilith’s Goddamn Hideout –

Lilith: Hi Blonde Chick’s neighbors! I’m going to torture you until you tell me where Blonde Chick is! Even though you have no way of knowing!

The Blonde Chick’s Neighbors: Sadface.

– Another Goddamn Warehouse –

The Rugged Male Lead: Okay, we don’t have any black people to sacrifice in this scene, so let’s play it safe!

The Useless Bitch: Whee I have an automatic weapon whee!

A Bunch of Vampires: Attack.

The Blonde Chick: Badass survivor chick shooting holes in the ceiling so the sunlight streams in powers activate!

A Bunch of Vampires: Die.

– The Goddamn Safehouse –

The Rugged Male Lead: Hi! I’m going to bandage your wounds now!

The Blonde Chick: Great! We should have sex, too!

The Rugged Male Lead: Awesome! Do you have a no-nudity clause?

The Blonde Chick: Yep!

Dozens of Men Around the Nation: Sadface.

– Goddamn Lilith’s Goddamn Hideout –

The Wanna Be Vampire Cop: Hi Lilith! I have inside information about a vampire that’s betrayed you. Also: lung cancer! So can we get with the vamping?

Lilith: Tell you what, kill Blonde Chick’s neighbors, and we’ll see what happens.

The Blonde Chick’s Neighbors: Sadface.

Lilith: Super vampire siring powers activate!

– The Goddamn Safehouse –

The Blonde Chick: Goddammit Survivor Chick tell me where the goddamn vampire queen is goddamn hiding! Goddammit!

Survivor Chick: Whimper.

The Rugged Male Lead: Dude… be nice.

The Blonde Chick: Ahem… goddammit Survivor Chick tell me where the goddamn vampire queen is goddamn hiding! Please!

Survivor Chick: Oh, she’s on a boat. Get the car, I’ll take you over.

The Wanna Be Vampire Cop: Knock knock!

The Classy Emo Vampire: I’ll get-

The Wanna Be Vampire Cop: Bang!

The Classy Emo Vampire: Shot in the face.

– The Goddamn Vampire Queen’s Goddamn Boat –

The Rugged Male Lead: Um, I hate to be a spoil sport, but do we even have a plan for this little military operation?

The Blonde Chick: When has that ever stopped us?

Vampire Henchmen: Would it help if our preternatural senses weren’t working right now?

Team We Hate Vampires: Sneak sneak sneak…

Vampire Chick: Hey, did you guys know we can come back from the dead if you pour blood on our ashes?

Team We Hate Vampires: Sadface.

– The Goddamn Boat’s Goddamn Bridge –

Captain Redshirt McDiesfast: Hey, I’d love to turn this ship around, but-

A Bunch of Vampires: Super vampire snatch the useless bitch powers activate!

The Useless Bitch: Help!

The Rugged Male Lead: Quick! Shoot the innocent captain!

Captain Redshirt McDiesfast: Dies.

A Bunch of Vampires: Nom nom nom tasty useless bitch nom.

The Useless Bitch: Dies.

An Even Bigger Bunch of Vampires: Surround the remaining lead characters.

The Blonde Chick: It would seem that our not plan has met with not success.

– The Goddamn Boat’s Goddamn Cargo Hold –

The Vampire Cop: Well, I’ll just cut you guys open and drain your blood…

The Blonde Chick: Well, I’ll just slip out of my restraints and behead you.

The Rugged Male Lead: Well, I’ll just miraculously recover from this fatal injury.

– The Goddamn Boat’s Goddamn Engine Room –

The Blonde Chick: Hey, do you have any idea how to stop a boat?

The Rugged Male Lead: Um… smash the shirt out of everything until it stops moving?

The Blonde Chick: I like this plan!

Lilith: I don’t!

The Rugged Male Lead: Dies.

Lilith: Hey, you know how in movies the villain always plays with the Survivor Chick rather than just killing her, and how that always gets the villain killed? I’m gonna do that now.

The Blonde Chick: Super human hiding in a vat of blood to mask my scent and cutting the head off the queen of demons powers activate!

Lilith: Dies.

A Bunch of Vampires: Hi! You’re still outnumbered by like a million to one!

The Blonde Chick: Angry face!

A Bunch of Vampires: Right then! The exit’s this way!

– The Goddamn North Pole –

The Blonde Chick: Hi husband from the first movie! Guess what I learned about charred vampire corpses? Wrist cut!

Husband From the First Movie: Hi Blonde Chick! Nom nom nom!

0 responses to “30 Days of Night: Dark Days – Distilled”

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