Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Melissa Glaser: Nick is alive! Nick is alive! Nick is alive!

Faye Chamberlain: And hell bent on mass murder, chaos, and destruction.

Melissa Glaser: Do you think he’ll go steady with me?

John Blackwell: Hey Diana, got a second?

Diana Meade: For you? Absolutely not!

Cassie Blake: Don’t mind her, she’s just upset that you got her mother knocked up, and are kinda sorta responsible for all of the trauma in her life, and may or may not be plotting to murder us all in some sort of dark magic ritual.

John Blackwell: Speaking of dark magic ritual, would you like to help me find the last crystal, form the Crystal Skull, and rule the world with an iron fist?

Cassie Blake: Boy would I!

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Diana Meade: Hi Cassie! Sorry my not-daddy accidentally murdered your grandmother with his brain!

Jake Armstrong: Hi everybody, particularly all of you grieving relatives who have no idea Jane was a witch! I heard a nasty rumor that witch hunters murdered Jane because she was a witch! And now I’m gonna witch those witch hunters to death with my witch brain! Witch!

Faye Chamberlain: Jake, stop! Everyone’s going to find out that we’re a coven of witches who never do any magic!

Jake Armstrong: But we need to get revenge for Jane’s death!

Faye Chamberlain: Yes … or we could go have Fayke sex!

Jake Armstrong: Fake sex? Like, with a RealDoll?

Faye Chamberlain: Not fake sex, Fayke sex! Faye + Jake?

Jake Armstrong: What?

Faye Chamberlain: What, don’t you have a twitter?

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Faye Chamberlain: I bet my family’s crystal is in my mom’s underwear drawer! Because now that my grandpa is dead, I’m certain my mom has it!

Melissa Glaser: Maybe she even murdered him for it!

Faye Chamberlain: Melissa! That’s crazy talk! Hey, do you want to read about my mom’s sexual exploits? Because they’re all in this journal right here!

Melissa Glaser: Hey, this page says you might be the other Balcoin child! I bet this isn’t even a red herring they’re dropping to set up a shocking twist at the end of the episode!

Faye Chamberlain: You’re probably right! I’m going to go try to blow things up with my brain!

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Adam Conant: Hello tiny blond human, with whom I share no chemistry and toward whom I feel no sexual or romantic attraction whatsoever!

Cassie Blake: Wow, that elixir sure did a number, didn’t it?

Adam Conant: Elixer? What elixir? I’m just stating the obvious over here.

Melissa Glaser: That’s so tragic!

Faye Chamberlain: What’s tragic is how they tried to force that lame-ass love triangle on us.

Adam Conant: Hi girls! Would you like to perform menial service for paltry sums of cash!

Faye Chamberlain: Well, I am cheap, so …

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Adam Conant: Hi Cassie I love you Cassie you’re pretty Cassie I never want you to leave me Cassie you’re perfect Cassie we belong together Cassie when I touch you it’s like magic Cassie and not the kind of magic we claim to be able to do Cassie but the sappy love song kind Cassie!

Cassie Blake: Oh god, it was your first time, wasn’t it? Somebody help! I’ve got a stage five clinger here!

The Lady of the Manor: Come oooooooon demon baby!

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Faye! Let’s play a game! It’s a game called “I’m a respectable young woman who isn’t going to endager her mother’s job or reputation!”

Faye Chamberlain: I have an even better game we can play! It’s called “I suck Charles Meade’s ding dong! It tastes like ice cream!” Unless you want to move on to John Blackwell.

Dawn Chamberlain: Why you little – John Blackwell is alive? 0_o

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Cassie Blake: Hi Diana! Thanks for letting me crash at your place, but a little birdie told me I’m going to have adult supervision again at the end of this episode!

Diana Meade: Thank God! Now I don’t have to talk to you at three AM anymore!

Cassie Blake: And I don’t have to listen to you snore!

Charles Meade: Goodbye, Cassie! You’re like the daughter I always wanted!

Diana Meade: …

Charles Meade: I’ll miss you!

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

The Producers: God, did you see how TVD ended?

The Writers: I know, right! It’s bad enough that we have to follow their Plot: Thickening without so much as a commercial break, but now we have follow Damon/Rebekah hatesex? We’re screwed!

The Producers: What are we going to do? What could we do to compete with that?

Phoebe Tonkin: G’day, mates!

Chris Zylka: Sup, guys!

The Producers: …

The Writers: …

Phoebe Tonkin and Chris Zylka: What?

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! I just dropped by to harass you for digging up your father’s grave with Jake!

Cassie Blake: Hi Adam! I know it sounds bad and horrible and evil and maybe like we were trying to perform some sort of dark magic ritual and I know it’s desecration of a grave and I know that’l like illegal and stuff but you have to understand I had a vision and in that vision my father didn’t die and then I had to know for sure so yes we dug up my father’s grave but only to prove that my father was still alive and not for any nefarious purpose.

Adam Conant: No, yeah, I’m cool with the grave robbing. I’m upset that you did it with Jake. ‘Cause of the possessive and controlling thing. That’s like character development, right?

The Lady of the Manor: Dude. It’s not your job to protect her. You know, since she isn’t yours.

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Previously, on The Secret Circle…

Jake Armstrong: Hi guys! I couldn’t help but notice your crushing lack of chemistry, so I figured I’d do everyone a favor and do a little kissus interruptus!

Adam Conant: Hi Jake! I couldn’t help but notice that the last time we saw you, you were hanging out with a bunch of religious psychos who want us all dead!

Jake Armstrong: Hi Adam! I couldn’t help but notice you’re short, scrawny, lacking in bone structure in the cheek/jaw area, and void of any charisma!

Adam Conant: Don’t you usually lurk in the shadows?

Jake Armstrong: Don’t you usually sex a different girl?

Cassie Blake: Guys guys guys! There’s an easy answer to all of this! Devil’s Threeway!

Jake Armstrong: Wouldn’t we need another man for a D3?

Adam Conant: Sulk.

Jake Armstrong: Anyway, I just dropped by to tell you that you’re safe from the witch hunters, because they’ve realized that your dark magic is too powerful for them to overcome!

Cassie Blake: Yay!

Jake Armstrong: Instead, now you have to worry about the council of witch hunters, who have a ritual designed specifically to murder users of dark magic!

Cassie Blake: Boo!

Jake Armstrong: It worked great the last time they used it, which was sixteen years ago!

Cassie Blake: Poop!

Jake Armstrong: They used it to murder your father!

Cassie Blake: Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

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