Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Cuddle on Stephan’s bed
Elena Gilbert: So, you know that vampire whose face I didn’t see, and who you’ve never met? Do you know who he is yet?
Stefan Salvatore: No, but I did bring you some anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot. I made it into a friendship bracelet!
Elena Gilbert: Squee! You’re the best undead boyfriend that used to date someone that looked exactly like me and killed dozens and dozens of people ever!
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, your pizza’s here.
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, <blink>come on in</blink>, I have to get some cash from my sister.
Thomas: Note: anyone that is ever explicitly invited into the Gilbert household will, in fact, turn out to be a vampire.
Damon Salvatore: Tears through the Salvatore Library like a vampire looking for a Book of Shadows that will release hit long-lost psycho vampire lover from her eternal tomb.
Stefan Salvatore: So, about you taking my girlfriend to Atlanta…
Damon Salvatore: So, about you being a hundred and sixty three years old and dating a girl that’s still in high school…
Edward Cullen: Oh, burn.
Alaric Saltzman: So, for your essay on how the impossibly high number of “Deaths Due to Animal Mauling and Subsequent Loss of Blood” are actually caused by vampires… you get an ‘A’.
Jeremy Gilbert: Score!
Alaric Saltzman: But you don’t really believe in vampires, do you? Because that would be totally silly and not at all the reason I came to Mystic Falls and oh can I have the diary of your vampire-slaying uncle? Nervous laugh.
Jeremy Gilbert: Um… yes?
Jeremy Gilbert: Score!
Elena Gilbert: Hey, I got you an anti-min-whammy anti-vampire-pot necklace!
Caroline Forbes: A lesbian friendship necklace! It’s what I’ve always wanted!
Elena Gilbert: That’s… not what I said.
The Producer: No, that’s okay, roll with it.
Elena Gilbert: Also, I wanted to tell you that I’m totally cool with you seeing me ex.
Caroline Forbes: Oh, er, um, I was totally going to talk to you about that, but then I didn’t because I was afraid, and also busy being the Designated Blood Donor for every vampire within a hundred miles. Also: Matt Donovan: totally not over you.
Elena Gilbert: Aw, Caroline! I’m with Stephan now! Matt has to move on, and you’d be a great second choice!
Caroline Forbes: …
The Recent Graduate Bartender: So, Matt, what’s up?
Matt Donovan: Oh, nothing, just lamenting the fact that I suck at football and am going to end up working in a bar like you.
The Recent Graduate Bartender: Well, thanks for dropping by!
Elena Gilbert: I’m adopted!
Bonnie Bennet: I’m supportive!
Elena Gilbert: I’m going shopping!
Bonnie Bennet: I’ll pay the bill!
Damon Salvatore: I need your help!
Bonnie Bennet: I can start fires with my mind. Fires that kill vampires. Like you.
Thomas: Really, she said “I can start fires with my mind.” She was one word away from making my recaps cannon.
The Recent Graduate Bartender: Macho posturing powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Smirks and decides not to kill him. At least not immediately.
The Recent Graduate Bartender: Bonnie, you’re hot.
Bonnie Bennet: That’s because I can start fires with my brain!
Elena Gilbert’s Product Placement Blackberry: rings
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Hey, just calling to let you know that I’m watching you. Get into your car. From across the street.
Elena Gilbert: Please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run, please drive faster than a vampire can run.
Elena Gilbert: Why is he taunting me like this? Why doesn’t he just get it over with?
Stefan Salvatore: What, are you kidding? Staking your prey, driving them slowly insane with fear, and shattering their every illusion of safety is the best part!
Elena Gilbert: …okay, that was creepy.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, and I brought you your ancestral vampire-compass-cum-pocket-watch. This way, we’ll alway know when you’re in danger!
Thomas: You know how else we’ll know she’s in danger? The big dark scary guy with the fangs.
Caroline Forbes and Matt Donovan: Have a cute moment, Caroline says something dumb, Matt storms off.
Thomas: Knows that this will pay off in a later episode, but really wants someone to get eaten already.
Anna No-Last-Name: Hey so how did you do on the paper and how are you doing in general and hey would you like to hang out tonight and hey would you like to give me babies?
Jeremy Gilbert: So, I was just…. going… elsewhere.
Thomas: Adds Anna No-Last-Name to his character list, even though he knows she’s going to die soon, because she has no last name.
Elena Gilbert: So, I’m going to ignore the ridiculous costume you’re wearing and get right to the point. Me. Adopted. Talk.
Aunt Jenna: So… one night a sixteen year old pregnant girl showed up on your parent’s doorstep and your parents took her in and then she popped you out and then she took off, and your parents really really really wanted a baby and there you were being all baby like and your mom was like “wow, this is so much easier than being pregnant for nine months, let’s just keep this one,” and you’re dad was like “cool,” and he was a doctor so he forged a birth certificate, oh and your mother’s name is Isabel.
Thomas: Elena’s mother’s name is (almost) Bella. Of course.
Stefan Salvatore: So here’s the book you were looking for. I already read through it. It ain’t gonna help. But, I’m so eager to get you out of my town that I’ll help you free Katherine, if that’s what it’ll take.
Damon Salvatore: Oh, right! The old “pretend to help your vampire brother resurrect his vampire girlfriend to gain his trust and absence and also stake him in the back” ploy!
Stefan Salvatore: Wow, projecting much?
Elena Gilbert: Does her hair.
Elena Gilbert’s Vampire Compass Pocket Watch: Points toward the vampire creeping up behind her.
The Ominous Music: Is ominous
Elena Gilbert: Calls Stephan.
Damon Salvatore: Stephan’s phone. I’m way hotter than he is. What’s up?
Elena Gilbert: Help please help vampire help compass help scared.
Damon Salvatore: Relax, it’s just my brother. He was heading over to your place, and forgot his phone. It’s not like there’s a creepy ass pizza delivery vampire hanging on your ceiling.
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Is hanging on the ceiling.
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Fangs! Throat lunge!
Stefan Salvatore: Chivalrous rage of chivalry powers activate!
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Super-fast vampire running away powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Tremble.
Stefan Salvatore: Comfort.
Thomas: He is so getting some tonight.
Stefan Salvatore: So what do we do?
Damon Salvatore: Simple, use your girlfriend as bait, lure the CAPDV out, and kill him until he’s dead.
Elena Gilbert: Works for me!
The Big Bopper: Is played.
Hair: Is poofy.
Poodle Skirts: Are worn.
Alaric Saltzman: Still has his Letterman’s Jacket
Caroline Forbes: So… Damon’s here. You having a threesome, Elena?
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!
Elena Gilbert: No.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Pout.
Aunt Jenna: Hey Alaric, did I tell you about this personality quirk I have, where I have to discuss painful relationship trauma every time I go on an almost-date? Speaking of, what’s the deal with your dead wife?
Thomas: Head. Desk.
Damon Salvatore: Can’t get a date for the dance. Sadface.
Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert: Sway to the music.
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Shows up wearing his hoodie. This is supposed to be intimidating.
Anna No-Last-Name: Shows up at the school dance.
Jeremy Gilbert: Totally calls her out for acting like they’re dating when they’re not.
Thomas: Is impressed.
Bonnie Bennet: The hot bartender is hot!
Caroline Forbes: Please. People that work in bars are so classless.
Matt Donovan: Hey, what’s up. coughbitchcough
Alaric Saltzman: Hey… Damon, was it? So, how’s your brother doing? You live here your whole life? Travel much? Where do you go? Why did you kill my wife? Did you try the punch?
Damon Salvatore: Wait… what was that last bit?
Alaric Saltzman: The punch? It’s great. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone spiked it with anti-vampire pot.
Bonnie Bennet: Hey, do you like karaoke?
The Recent Graduate Bartender: Nope.
Bonnie Bennet: :-(
The Recent Graduate Bartender: But I do like you.
Bonnie Bennet: :-D
Caroline Forbes: Matt, why are you avoiding me?
Matt Donovan: Oh, I don’t know, could it be that you somehow manage to say something that demeans me every time you open your mouth?
Anna No-Last-Name: Hey, can I borrow your vampire-hunting uncle’s vampire hunting journal? I need it I need it I need it!
Jeremy Gilbert: Sorry, I loaned it to my vampire-hunting history teacher.
Anna No-Last-Name: Almost fangs!
Thomas: Did not see that coming.
Elena Gilbert: Teach me to dance like they did in the 50′s!
Stefan Salvatore: I’m thinking: no.
Elena Gilbert: Pout.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, fine. Twirl, toss, throw, smooch!
Thomas: Is pretty sure he could pull that off. Judo is good for something.
Anna No-Last-Name and the Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Are working together!
The Plot: Is not allowed to thicken yet. Wait till the end of the recap.
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Stalks out of the gymnasium.
Stefan Salvatore: Pursues.
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Was a decoy!
The Real Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Threatens Elena’s brother to get her to leave the crowd.
Elena Gilbert: Tries to outrun a guy that can outrun a car.
Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Fang block! Stake toss! Jack Bauer impersonation! Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire staking powers activate!
Creepy Ass Pizza Delivery Vampire: Dies.
Anna No-Last-Name: Sadface.
Alaric Saltzman: Shockedface
Damon Salvatore: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>
Alaric Saltzman: Iiiiiiiii have anti-vampire pooooooooooooot.</van-helsing>
Caroline Forbes: We need to talk!
Matt Donovan: I don’t want to ruin out friendship.
Caroline Forbes: You don’t want to ruin out friendship! Fine! It’s ruined!
Alaric Saltzman: Hey, thanks for letting me vent about my dead ex-wife. Hey, did I mention that her name is Isabel? You know, like Elena’s biological mother?
Matt Donovan: Caroline, wait!
Caroline Forbes: :-p
Matt Donovan: Smooch!
Elena Gilbert: That was exciting!
Stefan Salvatore: Sure was. You know what’s going to be even more exciting? When we trick my brother into believing he can trust us, and pretend to help him free Katherine, and then it backfires on us, and we really do free Katherine, and she eats the entire town!
Elena Gilbert: You’re so hot!
The Recent Graduate Bartender: Locks up.
Anna No-Last-Name: Fangs!
The Recent Graduate Bartender: Fangs!
Anna No-Last-Name and The Recent Graduate Bartender: Smooch!
The Plot: Thickens.