Alcide Herveaux: Hi Sookie! If I’d have known that you’d drop your panties after a mere fifteen shots, I’d have gotten you drunk ages ago!
Sookie Stackhouse: Wink wink wink!
Alcide Herveaux: Nudge nudge nudge!
Sookie Stackhouse: Barf barf barf!
Eric Northman: Huh. Did your penis ever make Sookie throw up?
Vampire Bill: I can’t say that it did.
Eric Northman: Neither did mine. Is there something wrong with your penis, Alcide? Is it broken?
Alcide Herveaux: :-(
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Tara! You’re a stupid bitch! And I command you to stop trying to kill yourself!
Tara Thornton: But Pam! I’m a horrible character! Nobody likes me! Why won’t you just let me put them out of my misery!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Well, mostly because you signed a multi-season contract, but let’s pretend it has something to do with me trying to get Sookie to convince Eric to boff me again.
The Lady of the Manor: Did Pam wear a pink jumpsuit and heels to bed? Pam wore a pink jumpsuit and heels to bed. I <3 Pam.
Tara Thornton: Vampire pro: I no longer need to drop acid to get high. I can just go outside and look up.
Sookie Stackhouse: Tara! Tara Tara Tara!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Bitch please bitch please bitch please!
Tara Thornton: Vampire negative: I can hear those two fucktards from three counties away.
Random Cute Girl: Why hello there, perfect stranger wandering around in a blood-soaked shirt in the middle of the night! You’re probably not a vampire ora serial killer, so could you help me change my tire! I am ever so in distress!
Tara Thornton: :-)=
Random Cute Girl: That went differently in my head.
Tara Thornton: Super baby vampire Sookie eating powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Wow … I expected turning her into a vampire to be a complete clusterfuck, but it’s already paying dividends!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! But if she Tara kills Sookie, Sookie can’t use her magic fairy vagina to make Eric love you again!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Christ the story lines on this show are complicated. But all right, Tara, bad doggie. No eating the insufferable blond.
Tara Thornton: :-(=
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: But you can wreck the shit out of her house!
Tara Thornton: :-)=
Eric Northman: Super vampire speed cleaning powers activate!
Vampire Bill: Hi Jessica! I have to go away on business for the next, oh, century or two, so feel free to have all kinds of dirty sex in my mansion while I’m gone! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: Hey Bill? Wanna help me clean Nan off the carpets? Because you kind of have a very obvious crime scene for an office right now.
After the epic disaster which was Season Four, True Blood is back with a new teaser … hinting at the return of the best villain who ever graced Bon Temps.
I’ll be honest, I’m kind of done with True Blood. Last season was such a disappointment, and squandered so many potentially-awesome scenes (I’ll never forgive Allan Ball for having a shower that opens into Narnia, or anything Lafayette has done in the last two years), but like the crack-addict I am, this little taste of awesome is enough to have me robbing my cousin and coming back for one more hit. So let’s all cross our fingers and hope this season is at least better than the last.
The Producers: So, Alan, we kind of need to have a talk…
Alan Ball: Yeah? What about? Want to congratulate me on how I managed to basically remove vampires from this show about vampires? Give me props for creating one of the least likable heroines in television history? High-five me for bringing Faeries roaring back into Prime Time television?
The Producers: Yeah, so, no. We actually wanted to talk to you about all of the useless characters you have on this show.
Alan Ball: What are you talking about? I murdered like eleventy billion people last episode!
The Producers: Yeah, and we’re really grateful for that. But see, there’s this guy, a… ‘blogger’, or something, and he keeps mailing us this list of people he wants killed off.
Alan Ball: So delete his emails.
The Producers: No, we mean he actually mails them to us. Like, five or six times a week. It’s actually kind of impressive. And scary. We think they’re written in blood. Anyway, we think the best thing for everybody is to just give in to his demands.
Alan Ball: So, who does he want killed off?
The Producers: You might want to sit down…
The Producers: Hey guys? For this week’s Previously segment, let’s remind everyone how awesome it was that we killed off half the cast!
The Writers: Okay!
The Producers: And let’s make it seem like Sookie did something useful!
The Writers: …Okay.
Antonia’s Mind-Whammied Vampire Drones: Kill all of the peoples.
Billy the Red Shirted Vampire: :-)=
Nan Flanagan, Spokesvampire: Hi Billy! Do you know what a pencil looks like? A very tiny stake.
Billy the Red Shirted Vampire: :-(=
Eric Northman: Hi Bill! Time to finally murder you!
Vampire Bill: Hi Eric! Time to shoot you full of silver bullets!
Sookie Stackhouse: HI everyone! Time for my magic vampire memory restoration powers to kick in!
Antonia: This… is unfortunate.
Eric Northman’s Balls: Hi, guys! Miss me?
Thomas: IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.
Some Guy off Camera: Bang!
Sookie Stackhouse: Dies.
Thomas: Thinks wishfully.
Alcide Herveaux: Don’t worry Sookie! I’ll save you!
Thomas: No! Bad dog! Heal!
Vampire Bill: No, I’llsave her!
Thomas: Bad vampire! You put her down! You put her down now!
The Fiancee: Give it up, honey.