Tara Thornton: Vampire negative: I can hear those two fucktards from three counties away.
Random Cute Girl: Why hello there, perfect stranger wandering around in a blood-soaked shirt in the middle of the night! You’re probably not a vampire ora serial killer, so could you help me change my tire! I am ever so in distress!
Tara Thornton: :-)=
Random Cute Girl: That went differently in my head.
Eric Northman: Super vampire speed cleaning powers activate!
Vampire Bill: Hi Jessica! I have to go away on business for the next, oh, century or two, so feel free to have all kinds of dirty sex in my mansion while I’m gone! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: Hey Bill? Wanna help me clean Nan off the carpets? Because you kind of have a very obvious crime scene for an office right now.
After the epic disaster which was Season Four, True Blood is back with a new teaser … hinting at the return of the best villain who ever graced Bon Temps.
I’ll be honest, I’m kind of done with True Blood. Last season was such a disappointment, and squandered so many potentially-awesome scenes (I’ll never forgive Allan Ball for having a shower that opens into Narnia, or anything Lafayette has done in the last two years), but like the crack-addict I am, this little taste of awesome is enough to have me robbing my cousin and coming back for one more hit. So let’s all cross our fingers and hope this season is at least better than the last.
The Producers: So, Alan, we kind of need to have a talk…
Alan Ball: Yeah? What about? Want to congratulate me on how I managed to basically remove vampires from this show about vampires? Give me props for creating one of the least likable heroines in television history? High-five me for bringing Faeries roaring back into Prime Time television?
The Producers: Yeah, so, no. We actually wanted to talk to you about all of the useless characters you have on this show.
Alan Ball: What are you talking about? I murdered like eleventy billion people last episode!
The Producers: Yeah, and we’re really grateful for that. But see, there’s this guy, a… ‘blogger’, or something, and he keeps mailing us this list of people he wants killed off.
Alan Ball: So delete his emails.
The Producers: No, we mean he actually mails them to us. Like, five or six times a week. It’s actually kind of impressive. And scary. We think they’re written in blood. Anyway, we think the best thing for everybody is to just give in to his demands.