Thomas: Well, that was quite a day… now to recap episode two of True Blood! But first, does anyone have any super-important crisis to which I must immediately attend, lest the world and all we hold dear perish?
Everyone in the Goddamn World: YES WE DO.
Thomas: Sadface.
Thomas: Well, that was quite… oh, the hell with it. So, episode two. But first, does anyone-
Everyone in the Goddamn World: Deep breath…
Thomas: Hey, look over there! That vevuzela is spilling oil onto the stock market!
Everyone in the Goddamn World: This intrigues us…
Thomas: Runs away.
Vampire Bill: It has come to my attention that some question the superiority of the Vampire race, in particular as it pertains to those of the lupine persuasion. And while young Master Jacob may, indeed, be cut like a diamond, I feel I must interject with the fact that these fangs are not entirely for show. To wit: fangs!
The Werewolf Pack: Why is he ripping off our limbs?
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Because you’re a bunch of were-douches.
Vampire Bill: It’s the Vampire Queen King of Mississippi! Squee, curtsy.
Tara Thornton: Eggs! Pills! Eggs! Pills! Eggs! Pills!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! He was the most annoying character on the show. He ain’t worth killing yourself over!
Momma Thornton: Jesus! Demons! Bible! Holy Ghost!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! On behalf of everyone in the audience: Bitchslap!
Sookie Stackhouse: So: Operation Werewolf. Spill.
Eric Northman: Well it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with a secret pack of Nazi werewolves, which Godric and I hunted in World War II. Why do you ask? Also: Vampire Bill is lame.
Poor Dumb Allied Soldier: Hey, a scared, naked woman! I better help!
Petrova the Were Chick: Wolf mode! Evisceration!
Eric and Godric: Stab! Stab stab stabbity stab!
Petrova the Were Chick: Sadface.
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: So, hypothetically, if someone had a body to get rid of…
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Welcome, Vampire Bill, to my humble abode.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Boyfriend: Dude, you were supposed to be here last night.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: There were… complications.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Boyfriend: Fucking werewolves.
Everyone: Nods solemnly.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Boyfriend: Anyway, let’s show you to your room. Which is lined with silver. And guarded by four rather large beefca… men. Thanks for coming by!
Vampire Bill: I must protest!
Tara Thornton: Don’t take me to the hospital! I’m all right!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You’re actually upset that Eggs is dead! That’s the very definition of insane!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hey Jessica! Want me to spend the night and keep you company?
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hahaha! Thanks, but I’m worried you’ll find the body under the stairs you won’t sleep well! Nervous laugh.
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jessica! Sexy time?
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: No! I’ll eat you!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Oh please Oh please Oh please…
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: No, in a fangs! kind of way!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Sadface.
Jason Stackhouse: Hi Sookie! I came by to-
Sookie Stackhouse: Sack Tap!
Jason Stackhouse: -fix your windows. Weep.
Jason Stackhouse: So, Bill’s gone, werewolves are real, and Eggs is dead.
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s pretty much it.
Jason Stackhouse: What about bigfoot? And Santa? Because if Eggs is dead, there must be a Santa!
Sookie Stackhouse: Jason, focus! I don’t know what I’m going to do! All I can think about is how bill shows up and goes… <vampire-bill>Suhky!</vampire-bill>
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Don’t move. Out of the truck.
Sam Merlotte: Which is it?
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Stop making my brain hurt!
Sam’s Momma: Who the hell is that?
Sam’s Poppa: Who the hell is that?
Sam Merlotte: It’s me! Your long lost puppy son!
Sam’s Momma: Yay!
Sam’s Poppa: Whatever.
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Dick.
J. Random Werewolf’s Brain: Murder kidnap sex kidnap murder Let’s Make a Deal.
Terry Bellefleur: Hi Sookie! I’m here to conveniently interrupt your kidnapping! Wow, it sure is funny how these footprints turn into pawprints. It’s almost like he’s a werewolf or something! Crazy eyes!
Mamma Reynolds: Hi baby! You still a homo? This is my mexican nurse. Wetback!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You see what happens when you fry your brain on pills and goofballs?
Tara Thornton: Well that’s less than ideal.
Andy Bellefleur: I ain’t saying I’m a hero… I’m just saying I’m a hero. Now if you’ll excuse me… Stackhouse! What the hell’s wrong with you, raining on my hero parade?
Jason Stackhouse: Wow, that’s a lot of fawning reporters! I bet they’d love to know what really happened!
Andy Bellefleur: Hey, let’s eat!
Terry Bellefleur: Don’t worry Sookie! Even if I did tell people about the werewolf, they’d just say “oh, it’s crazy Terry, being all crazy again!” Here, have a pistol! I keep it in the coffee grounds! Crazy eyes!
Sam’s Momma: So, were your foster parents nice? Did you have a good life?
Sam Merlotte: Yeah… right up until I turned into a goddamn dog in front of them. That put a little stress on our relationship.
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Whatever, dick. Let’s take off our clothes and go for a run. Naked.
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: So… how much does it cost to rent a chainsaw? Because I’ve got a dead body tree stump that needs cutting.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Boyfriend: Bill, you simply must try this blood! The donor fed on tangerines for weeks! The blood is fruity! Just like us! Now where did I put that Philippine boy?
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Anyway, Vampire Bill, I want your help blackmailing the Vampire Queen of Louisiana into marrying me. Oh, don’t worry… I just want her for her money. There will be no winking or nudging.
Vampire Bill: I cannot wait until my Queen rams a stake through your heart.
Jason Stackhouse: Man, it sucks how everyone loves you! They should be thanking me for shooting Eggs!
Thomas: Believe me, we are!
Andy Bellefleur: Aw, Jason! You’ve got a lot going for you. You’re… pretty.. and… pretty.
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Let’s play in traffic! Sit! Lie! Play dead!
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: My, this certainly is an interesting file of family histories, newspaper clippings, and surveillance photos Bill’s been keeping of Sookie since she was five years old. Pedo.
Eric Northman: So, you know how I said I didn’t know anything about Operation Werewolf? Well, it turns out me and the Vampire Jesus may have hunted them during World War Two. Totally slipped my mind. Also: they’re all hopped up on vampire blood. Which is rather inconvenient. Did I mention that you’r really hot? So, sexy time?
Terry Bellefleur: Hi Arlene! I wrote a list! It’s ten reasons why you can trust me with your kids! Crazy eyes!
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Hello there Tara. Would you like to help my spy on your friend Sookie? Also: prelude to sexy time?
The Skanky Trucker’s Dead Body: I’m missing!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: That’s bad!
Andy’s Police Radio: Andy, get over to Hotshot! And bring Jason, so he can tackle a meth dealer, and meet cute with a plot point!
Random Rednecks: This is where Eggs died! Let’s piss on Eggs’ grave!
Everyone in the World: That’s a great idea!
Tara Thornton: That makes me sad! And angry!
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Here, let me hold the rednecks while you pummel them. Then: sexy time.
Lorena the Vampire: Hi, Vampire Bill!
Vampire Bill: Hi Lorena! Say, why are you on fire?
Lorena the Vampire: Wait, what?
Vampire Bill: Flame toss!
Eric Northman: Sniff, sniff. Huh, smells like dog. You might want to invite me in.
Random Werewolf: Grr!
Eric Northman: Fangs!
Sookie Stackhouse: Bang!
The Plot: Thickens.