December 10th, 2012 by Thomas
The Lady of the Manor: So … my family does this thing where we fill each other’s stockings. And I already called little bottles of booze.
Thomas: God damn it, that’s what I was going to say! Especially for the kids!
The Lady of the Manor: Yeah, there won’t be any kids there.
Thomas: God damn it, how am I supposed to corrupt youth if there aren’t any youth around! Although no youth is a plus …
The Lady of the Manor: You could get everybody candy …
Thomas: Great idea! Hey, do you happen to know everyone’s favorite candy?
The Lady of the Manor: Of course I do. They’re my family, so-
Thomas: Because I want to make sure I get something else, and hopefully derail this little traffic accident in the future.
The Lady of the Manor: …
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May 7th, 2012 by Thomas
The Lady of the Manor: We sold another one of your old Jesus-ey books.
Thomas: Which one?
The Lady of the Manor: Matthew Henry’s Commentary.
Thomas: Oh yeah. How much did we get for it?
The Lady of the Manor: Like two bucks.
Thomas: Seriously? That think cost me like forty dollars. Of course, there probably aren’t a whole lot of people clamoring for Matthew Henry’s Complete Commentary on the Whole Fucking Bible. Of couse, if it actually was called Matthew Henry’s Complete Commentary on the Whole Fucking Bible, more people might pick it up…
The Lady of the Manor: So, about dinner …?
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April 15th, 2012 by Thomas
The Lady of the Manor: If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
Thomas: Well… genies are notoriously tricksies mother fuckers, so my wishes would be several hundred pages of dense legalese.
The Lady of the Manor: You’re the most cynical person in the world. I’d wish for a magic tissue box of money, and every time you pulled money out of it, there would be more money. And eternal, effortless beauty.
Thomas: See, here’s how he’d fuck you. Creating more money every time you pulled some out of the magic box would cause inflation to go sky high, and eventually money itself would be useless. And eternal, effortless beauty? He’s turn you into a statue or something.
The Lady of the Manor: …
Thomas: Tricksies mother fuckers.
The Lady of the Manor: You think about things too much.
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March 30th, 2012 by Thomas
The Lady of the Manor: I just watched an episode of Buffy where they went ice skating, and then she killed someone with her ice skate.
Thomas: Oh yeah, and then she kissed Angel, and he was all like “no, I’m in my vamp face,” and she’s all “I didn’t even notice.”
The Lady of the Manor: …You’ve watched that show too much.
4 Comments »
December 8th, 2011 by Thomas
The Lady of the Manor: Hey babe? Do you wear gloves?
Thomas: …when it’s cold out, sure.
The Lady of the Manor: And do you need a pair of gloves?
Thomas: No, I bought a new pair last month.
The Lady of the Manor: Why did you buy yourself something so close to Christmas?
Thomas: …Because it was cold? And I have to shovel snow?
The Lady of the Manor: But now I don’t know what to tell my mom to get you for Christmas!
Thomas: Yeah, but even if I hadn’t bought gloves, she couldn’t get me a pair for Christmas. You know, because I wouldn’t have hands anymore. You know, because of the frostbite.
The Lady of the Manor: …Okay, that’s fair.
18 Comments »
October 25th, 2011 by Thomas
The Lady of the Manor (reading my manuscript): You have a dangling preposition there.
Thomas: … I don’t think the vampire sexpot cares about her dangling preposition.
The Lady of the Manor: And that’s why I’m not a vampire sexpot.
14 Comments »
June 21st, 2011 by Thomas
Thomas: Want to go pick up our photos? I think it’s been eight minutes. It feels like it’s been eight minutes.
The Fiancee: We’re in Wal Mart. It might just feel like it’s been eight minutes, but it’s really been like thirty seconds.
Thomas: Like some sort of hell dimension.
The Fiancee: Would it really matter if time moved more slowly in a hell dimension? I mean, eternity is eternity.
Thomas: Yeah, but you can have more eternity.
The Fiancee: That’s… stupid.
Thomas: No, it’s totally real. Like, there’s an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and 1, and there are infinite numbers between 0 and 100, but there are more numbers between 0 and 100, because it includes all of the numbers between 0 and 1, and more.
The Fiancee: …Math is also stupid.
17 Comments »
June 15th, 2011 by Thomas
The Bedroom – Sometime Around Midnight
The Fiancee: Mooooooooooan!
Thomas: What’s wrong, babe?
The Fiancee: There’s an evil penis, and it peed in the girl’s room. But it’s okay, it’s just a dream. It isn’t real. Unconsious.
8 Comments »
June 11th, 2011 by Thomas
- On The Way Home From Lowe’s -
Thomas: So I was looking at three-ways-
The Fiancee: What?!?
Thomas: …so I was looking at three-way valves, for the sink we’re replacing…
The Fiancee: Oh.
5 Comments »
June 1st, 2011 by Thomas
On the Way to Devil Corgi’s Rescue Shelter
The Fiancée: I had really weird dreams last night.
Thomas: I dreamed we got hit with a tornado.
The Fiancée: That’s not really surprising, with all of the tornadoes and tornado warnings lately.
Thomas: Would it be surprising if I said I punched the tornado until it went away?
The Fiancée: …not really, no.
7 Comments »