I have a folder of bookmarks in Firefox labeled “Vampire Positions.” It contains research for a story I’m working on, primarily a bunch of web pages on Feudal and Victorian government. Still, every time I see this folder, I stop and ask myself “was I really that hard up for porn? Did I really go looking for the fanged Kama Sutra?”

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Stefan Salvatore: Oh, man, what a hangover! It’s like someone jabbed me in the side with a dart filled with anti-vampire pot or something! My head’s all fuzzy! In fact, I’m having a fever dream of…

Stefan Salvatore: Damon, I know how to rescue Katherine from the villagers and the pitchforks and the torches! All we have to do is make a lot of noise until the Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council shoots us!

Damon Salvatore: Wait, that doesn’t sound like a very good pl-

The Original Mystic Falls Watcher’s Council: Bang.

Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Die.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, but it is ever so hard to see my Stefan locked up like this!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, it’s a tragedy. Wanna see what’s on TV?

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, guess who’s not really dead… this guy! Wait, why am I not dead?

Emily Bennet: Oh, Katherine’s been mind-whammying you into drinking her blood for weeks. You’re a vampire now. Surprise!

Stefan Salvatore: Wait, Damon’s alive! Katherine must have tricked him, too!

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, she… tricked me. Yep. That’s how it went.

Elena Gilbert: Figure out what the Original John Gilbert’s gizmo does yet?

Damon Salvatore: So far, it looks like it’s a plot device.

Elena Gilbert: Neat! Is it cool if I crash here again tonight?

Damon Salvatore: If I say “no,” will you do that thing where a girl wonders why you’re rejecting her, and throws herself at you? Because if yes, then no.

Anna: Hey Jeremy! I convinced my mommy to let me come to school, and I mind-whammied the guidance councilor to give me all of the same classes as you!

Jeremy Gilbert: …hot.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro! Brought you some rabbit blood! Drink up!

Stefan Salvatore: I’m sorry, I have like two whole episodes worth of brooding to catch up on. I’ll just be over here in the corner, glowering at the floor and flexing my shoulder muscles.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: …hot.

Alaric Saltzman: Hey Damon! I’ve got a friend who’s a private investigator, and he thinks my vampire wife, who is also Elena’s vampire mother, is in Grove Hills!

Damon Salvatore: That’s nice. Can you not call me please?

Damon Salvatore’s Product Placement Blackberry: Beeps.

Elena Gilbert: Hey Damon! Just putting together some clothes, and I’ll be right over!

Damon Salvatore: That’s great. Hey, Alaric… I changed my mind, come get me the hell out of here. Oh, Elena? Stefan like puppy blood. Big, floppy eared, golden retriever puppy blood. Can you bring some by? Tootles!

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Eep! Uncle John! What are you doing here?

Uncle John Gilbert: Oh, just watching you rifle through your underwear drawer. Also: what would your mother think if she knew you were dating a vampire?

Elena Gilbert: Um… would that be the mother who is a vampire, or the mother who never told me I was adopted?

Uncle John Gilbert: …fair point.

Stefan Salvatore: Broods.

Damon Salvatore: Well, Katherine’s dead, our father betrayed us, and the villagers shot us. There’s nothing left to live for, so we might as well kill ourselves before we turn completely into vampires.

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, but first, let’s bathe in the river. Together.

Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Squee!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan you have to eat because if you don’t eat you’ll get all dried out and corpsey and then how can I kiss you?

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan I love you and I want you to get better and I even brought you puppy blood please eat!

Stefan Salvatore: Suicidal brood!

Myspace, LiveJournal, Etc: We did that first.

Damon Salvatore: Drama queen.

Uncle John Gilbert: Well Pearl, I know you have no intention of giving me the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo, but I don’t think you counted on the power of my wit and charm. Behold… may I buy you a drink?

Pearl: …that’s it?

Anna: …blah blah blah, and they’re all looking for this Vampire Gizmo my mommy gave Damon, and now your uncle wants us all dead.

Jeremy Gilbert: How do you know Uncle John wants you all dead?

Anna: The Welcome to Mystic Falls fruit basket, with a card that says “Hey vampires, I want you all dead! Love, Uncle John Gilbert” was a big clue.

Jeremy Gilbert: You’re hot!

Anna: I’m naked!

Jeremy Gilbert: That’s convenient!

Anna and Jeremy Gilbert: Smootch!

Damon Salvatore: No barrier on the threshold, bunch of blood in the fridge, looks like this place is home to a bunch of-

Henry the Random Vampire: Surprise fang tackle!

Alaric Saltzman: Surprise wooden stake knuckles!

Damon Salvatore: Vampires.

Elena Gilbert: Weep!

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Papa Salvatore: So, about this Watcher’s journal… I was thinking that my sons’ entries would read better as “hapless victims of the Battle of Willow Creek” than “dirty rotten hellbound vampire sympathizers.” What do you guys think?

The Original John Gilbert: Agrees.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Oh my! Someone went and unlocked this big old dungeon door! Well, I might as well bring in this bottle of blood!

Stefan Salvatore: Fangs! Bottle slap! Intimidate!

Elena Gilbert: Get over yourself, Stefan. I’m not going anywhere. You see this face? This is my serious face. :-{ You know what happens when I put on my serious face.

Stefan Salvatore: Pout! Brood!

Damon Salvatore: So, what’s Uncle John up to these days?

Henry the Random Vampire: Oh, you know. He got me this house, taught me how to use the microwave, he’s having me spy on all of the other vampires so he can either kill them or take over the town or both, told me to separate my whites and my colors, the usual.

Alaric Saltzman: Neat. Oh, by the way: stake!

Henry the Random Vampire: Dies.

Thomas: Still wants to know why Alaric isn’t Team Uncle John Gilbert, and why he’s so buddy-buddy with Damon “I Ate Your Wife Then Vamped Her” Salvatore.

Uncle John Gilbert: Hey, did I ever tell you how much The Original John Gilbert loved you? Wait, did I say “loved?” I meant “regretted not driving a stake through your heart.” My bad.

Pearl: Hey, did I ever tell you that I gave The Original John Gilbert Vampire Gizmo to your best buddy Damon? And that you can rot in hell?

Uncle John Gilbert: Well that’s less than ideal.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood!

Elena Gilbert: Why are you so broody?

Stefan Salvatore: Well, since you mention it…

Stefan Salvatore: Father, I have come to say goodbye!

Papa Salvatore: Egads! How can this be? I watched you die! After I shot you! For being a dirty vampire sympathizer! Stake!

Stefan Salvatore: Stakeblock! Bloodlust! First time fangs!

Papa Salvatore: That went differently in my head.

Alaric Saltzman: The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation!

Damon Salvatore: Dude, I know, what with the sleeping with her and the fanging her and all. But I feel your pain. The only woman I ever loved left me without any explanation, too. Beer?

Alaric Saltzman: Mmm. Blood?

Damon Salvatore and Alaric Saltzman: Coming Summer 2010: Bad Boys III: Whatcha Gonna Do When They Fang On You?

Pearl: Hey Anna, is that boyfriend I smell in your hair? Oh, and did I mention that we’re leaving town tonight?

Damon Salvatore: So, Stefan eating yet?

Elena Gilbert: No, he still feels too guilty! And I blame you!

Damon Salvatore: Oh really? Because…

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon! I just got back from killing our father, and I brought you a present! It’s a girl! Fangs!

Damon Salvatore: Sip, sip, fangs!

Stefan Salvatore: Brood! (Offscreen)

Elena Gilbert: So, uh, Damon? I may have accidentally left Stefan’s cage open, and he may have kind of wandered away without his Ring of Not Exploding in the Daylight. You wouldn’t happen to know how long it is until sunrise, would you? Tee hee!

Breakup Music: Plays.

Damon Salvatore: Hey bro, thanks for making me a vampire! I’m going to thank you by making the rest of your unending life a living hell!

Emily Bennet: And I just dropped by to tell you that you’re under a Gypsy curse: your heart is pure, and you shall never know true happiness!

Angel: I did that first… but at least you get to wink-wink and nudge-nudge the lead girl.

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, with this ring, I thee prevent from exploding in the sunlight, and promise to love you and wink you and nudge you, till next season do us part.

Stefan Salvatore: Brood! Smooch! Brood!

Team Damon: …goddammit.

Pearl: Oh, how sweet! The Token Black Vampire packed up my things for me! Hey, where did this stake in my heart come from? Dies.

Damon Salvatore: So, you feeling all righteous and straight edge again?

Stefan Salvatore: Sure do!

Damon Salvatore: Thank God… this whole “not quite so evil” thing was getting to be a drag. Now I can go back to hating you and eating cute young couples!

Anna: …Momma?

Alaric Saltzman: Wow, my life sucks. Just about the only thing that could make it worse would be if my vampire sort-of-ex-wife showed up.

Isobel Flemming: Hey Rick!

The Plot: Thickens.

On to the next episode!