Isobel Flemming: Hey Alaric! How’ve you been since I ripped your heart out, burned it, danced on the ashes, mothered an illegitimate child, hid her from you, slept with Damon, let Damon feed on me, and got turned into a vampire? And how’s Elena doing?
Alaric Saltzman: Eff. You.
Isobel Flemming: Well okay then! I’ll just go on a murder spree!
Elena Gilbert: Hey you! Just calling to check in!
Damon Salvatore: I-
Team Damon: Squee!
Damon Salvatore: Ahem, I’m fine, but Stefan… He’s all good and noble and not fanging innocent young girls anymore. You have him so whipped.
Elena Gilbert: Yay! Well I have to go meet Caroline!
Damon Salvatore: Have fun with her. I know I did.
Thomas: Direct quote. I <3 Damon.
Caroline Forbes: All of my friends are fighting, and that makes me sad! Because if they’re fighting, they’re too busy to pay attention to me!
Elena Gilbert: Sadface.
Stefan Salvatore: Broodface.
Alaric Saltzman: Angstface.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, what’s up with the emo-fest? You guys look like your long lost vampire wife / mother came back and threatened to murder the whole town or something.
Everyone Else: …
Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! I’d like to introduce you to Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick and Largely Nude Sometimes Gay Cowboy! Vampire mind control powers rock!
Uncle John Gilbert: Look, babe… I may need you, but that doesn’t mean I like you. I do not approve of your lifestyle.
The Republican Party: Hey, we hate
gays vampires, too! We should do lunch!
Isobel Flemming: Anyway, did you find the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo yet? No? Well, in that case, vampire bitchslap powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Allright, allright, letting Isobel murder the entire town is off the table. But I still don’t think it’s a good idea for you to meet with her.
Elena Gilbert: But why? She’s my mother and well I don’t really love her in fact I kind of hate her but I still want to know where I come from because I never really believed that story about the stork and now I think it might have been a bat because you know vampire and besides it isn’t like she’s going to fang me or something! Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.
Elena Gilbert: Can you hear me, Stefan?
Stefan Salvatore: Why yes, my wildly inconsistent powers of vampire hearing allow me to hear your hushed whisper in this crowded bar with perfect clarity!
Elena Gilbert: Oh good! I was afraid that I’d have to meet my mother all alone and there would be no one to protect me from the evil, child abandoning, husband leaving, whole town threatening vamp-
Isobel Flemming: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: -ire.
Isobel Flemming: Time for some character development! I’ll go first! I’m a huge bitch!
Elena Gilbert: That’s it?
Isobel Flemming: Yep!
Alaric Saltzman: I don’t get it! Why is my wife so cold and callous? Stefan is a vampire, and he’s all noble and good! You’re a vampire, and you’re… well, a dick, but at least you have feelings! What happened to Isobel?
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire sociopathy powers activate. It’s a thing. Can we kill her now?
Isobel Flemming: So, long story short, I want The Original John Gilbert’s Plot Device, and I’ll murder the entire town until you give it to me. And did I mention that I’m a huge bitch? Because I am. Tootles!
Elena Gilbert: Weep!
Stefan Salvatore: Cautious attempts at comfort!
Bonnie Bennet: Screw you, vampire boy! I’m outta here!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna, Jeremy again. I’ve tried to leave you like three hundred voice mails today, but I guess you’re not getting them, because you didn’t call me back instantly. I heart you!
Uncle John Gilbert: Girl trouble, huh? I hope she’s not off plotting revenge for the murder of her mother or anything! But seriously, if you need someone to talk to… well, let’s just say I have intimate knowledge of the female of the species, if you know what I mean.
Aunt Jenna: Gag!
Uncle John Gilbert: I got into your pants, didn’t I?
Jeremy Gilbert: Gag!
Damon Salvatore and The Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick: Play Strip Poker.
Damon Salvatore: Is losing.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Swoon!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Damon! I want the Plot Device! Oh, and did I mention that I want it so I can give it to… Katherine? Also: sexy time now?
Damon Salvatore: One: I like this town, and I would appreciate it if you could not screw this up for me. Two: I like Elena, and I”m pretty sure she’s going to get bored with Stefan’s emotude soon-
Team Damon: Yay!
Damon Salvatore: …and I would appreciate it if you would not screw that up, either. Three: Katherine is a bitch. Four: I’m all about killing the messenger, because it sends a message. Also: throat grab! Head slam! Angry face!
Thomas: I still <3 Damon.
Bonnie Bennet: Elena, I’ve been a terrible friend! I know something’s wrong… what happened?
Elena Gilbert: I met my birth mother!
Bonnie Bennet: That’s great!
Elena Gilbert: She’s a vampire!
Bonnie Bennet: That’s less than ideal!
Tyler Lockwood: Hey bro, how’s your mom?
Matt Donovan: Oh, you mean the mom that I caught you playing tonsil hockey with? Eat me.
Tyler Lockwood: That… didn’t go how I planned.
Bonnie Bennet: Hey Elena! All of those Plot Devices the Original John Gilbert invented? Total crap! My ghost-witch-aunt used magic to make them work! The one your mom wants is a weapon! It kills vampires! That makes me happy!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Elena! Do you know where Anna is?
Elena Gilbert: …how would I know where Anna is?
Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the vampire you’re sleeping with, or the vampire everyone watching wants you to be sleeping with, has talked to her recently.
Elena Gilbert: Sure, Elena. Just write everything down in your diary. No one’s ever stolen a diary before. And if they did, they wouldn’t believe vampires are real! They’d just assume you’re crazy, and throw you in a looney bin. Great plan, Elena, great plan.
Isobel Flemming: Hi Elena! This is my gay cowboy friend! He’s going to jump on that float and make it come crashing down on your ex-boyfriend!
Gay Cowboy Friend: Leap!
Matt Donovan: Scream!
Stefan Salvatore: Vampire lifting the really heavy truck thing off my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend powers activate!
Isobel Flemming: Wow, breaking humans sure is easy! And fun! Also, I have your brother! Tell Damon I said hello! Also: I’m a huge bitch!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! I invited you over to my house of ill repute so I could tell you that I kidnaped your nephew! That advances my plans somehow!
Uncle John Gilbert: Isobel, I know that there’s good in you. I can feel it. Let him go. </heartfelt>
Isobel Flemming: Well, that’s one option. Alternatly:
Gay Cowboy Friend: Lamp smash! Throat stomp! Rib kick!
Isobel Flemming: Ring of Not Dying snatch!
Uncle John Gilbert: Bleeds quietly on the carpet.
Elena Gilbert: So the plan is, you give us the Plot Device, Bonnie un-magics it until it doesn’t work any more-
Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!
Elena Gilbert: -and we get Jeremy back without any more bloodshed.
Damon Salvatore: …okay, you lost me at “no more bloodshed.” Also, I don’t really trust Bonnie. You know, since I tried to kill her and all.
Elena Gilbert: Soulful eyes. You can trust me, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: …I am so getting into those pants.
Team Damon: Yay!
Uncle John Gilbert: Bleed. So the Original John Gilbert invented a Weapon of Mass Vampstruction. Groan. And there’s a group of evil(er) vampires coming back to Mystic Falls, to take revenge on the town. Whimper. Isobel wants them dead, too, which is cool. Bleed. But she also seems to want me dead, which is less than ideal.
Bonnie Bennet: Special effects powers activate! There, the weapon designed to get rid of vampires, for whom I have shown an intense, personal hatred, is destroyed. No, I’m not lying about it so Isobel can wipe out all of the vampires in Mystic Falls! Why would you ask that? Nervous laugh.
Isobel Flemming: All right Elena, Jeremy and Uncle John Gilbert are safe back at home. Gimme the Plot Device that I know Damon gave you, because he’s in love with you.
Damon Salvatore: Well that’s awkward.
Team Damon: Yay!
Stefan Salvatore: I am going to severely brood at you when we get home.
Elena Gilbert: Jeremy, I can explain everything…
Jeremy Gilbert: Sweet! Because I’m really wondering what happened during the period of time you had Damon erase from my memories! Doorslam!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Alaric! Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula> You’re totally over me! But don’t worry, I’m still a huge bitch!
Anna: My momma’s dead!
Jeremy Gilbert: So… no nookie tonight?
Stefan Salvatore: So, about you putting the moves on my girl…
Damon Salvatore: No worries, bro! We’re just friends. The kind of friends that talk to each other about the deepest secrets, and cry on each other’s shoulders, and stare longingly into each other’s eyes while the boring other vampire detoxes in the wine cellar. By the way: Uncle John Gilbert is also Papa John Gilbert! I’m going to go practice my comforting skills! Tootles!
Stefan Salvatore: …sonofa…
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! The Plot Device and your Ring of Not Dying are on the doorstep. Do me a favor and kill all those vamps from the tomb. Also: could you murder Stefan and Damon until they’re dead?
Uncle John Gilbert: Boy can I!
Isobel Flemming: Thanks babe!
Caroline Forbes: Bonnie! What’s wrong!
Bonnie Bennet: Well, I may have deliviered a weapon capable of killing her boyfriend into the hands of a woman who really really wants to kill her boyfriend. And then promised them that the weapon was a dud. Also: what do you think about my new bangs?
The Plot: Thickens.