Previously, on The Vampire Diaries
Isobel Flemming: Hey Alaric! How’ve you been since I ripped your heart out, burned it, danced on the ashes, mothered an illegitimate child, hid her from you, slept with Damon, let Damon feed on me, and got turned into a vampire? And how’s Elena doing?
Alaric Saltzman: Eff. You.
Isobel Flemming: Well okay then! I’ll just go on a murder spree!
Elena Gilbert: Hey you! Just calling to check in!
Damon Salvatore: I-
Team Damon: Squee!
Damon Salvatore: Ahem, I’m fine, but Stefan… He’s all good and noble and not fanging innocent young girls anymore. You have him so whipped.
Elena Gilbert: Yay! Well I have to go meet Caroline!
Damon Salvatore: Have fun with her. I know I did.
Thomas: Direct quote. I <3 Damon.
Caroline Forbes: All of my friends are fighting, and that makes me sad! Because if they’re fighting, they’re too busy to pay attention to me!
Elena Gilbert: Sadface.
Stefan Salvatore: Broodface.
Alaric Saltzman: Angstface.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, what’s up with the emo-fest? You guys look like your long lost vampire wife / mother came back and threatened to murder the whole town or something.
Everyone Else: …
Damon Salvatore: …goddammit.
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! I’d like to introduce you to Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick and Largely Nude Sometimes Gay Cowboy! Vampire mind control powers rock!
Uncle John Gilbert: Look, babe… I may need you, but that doesn’t mean I like you. I do not approve of your lifestyle.
The Republican Party: Hey, we hate gays vampires, too! We should do lunch!
Isobel Flemming: Anyway, did you find the Original John Gilbert’s Vampire Gizmo yet? No? Well, in that case, vampire bitchslap powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Allright, allright, letting Isobel murder the entire town is off the table. But I still don’t think it’s a good idea for you to meet with her.
Elena Gilbert: But why? She’s my mother and well I don’t really love her in fact I kind of hate her but I still want to know where I come from because I never really believed that story about the stork and now I think it might have been a bat because you know vampire and besides it isn’t like she’s going to fang me or something! Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.
Elena Gilbert: Can you hear me, Stefan?
Stefan Salvatore: Why yes, my wildly inconsistent powers of vampire hearing allow me to hear your hushed whisper in this crowded bar with perfect clarity!
Elena Gilbert: Oh good! I was afraid that I’d have to meet my mother all alone and there would be no one to protect me from the evil, child abandoning, husband leaving, whole town threatening vamp-
Isobel Flemming: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: -ire.
Isobel Flemming: Time for some character development! I’ll go first! I’m a huge bitch!
Elena Gilbert: That’s it?
Isobel Flemming: Yep!
Alaric Saltzman: I don’t get it! Why is my wife so cold and callous? Stefan is a vampire, and he’s all noble and good! You’re a vampire, and you’re… well, a dick, but at least you have feelings! What happened to Isobel?
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire sociopathy powers activate. It’s a thing. Can we kill her now?
Isobel Flemming: So, long story short, I want The Original John Gilbert’s Plot Device, and I’ll murder the entire town until you give it to me. And did I mention that I’m a huge bitch? Because I am. Tootles!
Elena Gilbert: Weep!
Stefan Salvatore: Cautious attempts at comfort!
Bonnie Bennet: Screw you, vampire boy! I’m outta here!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna, Jeremy again. I’ve tried to leave you like three hundred voice mails today, but I guess you’re not getting them, because you didn’t call me back instantly. I heart you!
Uncle John Gilbert: Girl trouble, huh? I hope she’s not off plotting revenge for the murder of her mother or anything! But seriously, if you need someone to talk to… well, let’s just say I have intimate knowledge of the female of the species, if you know what I mean.
Aunt Jenna: Gag!
Uncle John Gilbert: I got into your pants, didn’t I?
Jeremy Gilbert: Gag!
Damon Salvatore and The Mostly Naked Jazz Singer Chick: Play Strip Poker.
Damon Salvatore: Is losing.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Swoon!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Damon! I want the Plot Device! Oh, and did I mention that I want it so I can give it to… Katherine? Also: sexy time now?
Damon Salvatore: One: I like this town, and I would appreciate it if you could not screw this up for me. Two: I like Elena, and I”m pretty sure she’s going to get bored with Stefan’s emotude soon-
Team Damon: Yay!
Damon Salvatore: …and I would appreciate it if you would not screw that up, either. Three: Katherine is a bitch. Four: I’m all about killing the messenger, because it sends a message. Also: throat grab! Head slam! Angry face!
Thomas: I still <3 Damon.
Bonnie Bennet: Elena, I’ve been a terrible friend! I know something’s wrong… what happened?
Elena Gilbert: I met my birth mother!
Bonnie Bennet: That’s great!
Elena Gilbert: She’s a vampire!
Bonnie Bennet: That’s less than ideal!
Tyler Lockwood: Hey bro, how’s your mom?
Matt Donovan: Oh, you mean the mom that I caught you playing tonsil hockey with? Eat me.
Tyler Lockwood: That… didn’t go how I planned.
Bonnie Bennet: Hey Elena! All of those Plot Devices the Original John Gilbert invented? Total crap! My ghost-witch-aunt used magic to make them work! The one your mom wants is a weapon! It kills vampires! That makes me happy!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Elena! Do you know where Anna is?
Elena Gilbert: …how would I know where Anna is?
Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the vampire you’re sleeping with, or the vampire everyone watching wants you to be sleeping with, has talked to her recently.
Elena Gilbert: Sure, Elena. Just write everything down in your diary. No one’s ever stolen a diary before. And if they did, they wouldn’t believe vampires are real! They’d just assume you’re crazy, and throw you in a looney bin. Great plan, Elena, great plan.
Isobel Flemming: Hi Elena! This is my gay cowboy friend! He’s going to jump on that float and make it come crashing down on your ex-boyfriend!
Gay Cowboy Friend: Leap!
Float: Crash!
Matt Donovan: Scream!
Stefan Salvatore: Vampire lifting the really heavy truck thing off my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend powers activate!
Isobel Flemming: Wow, breaking humans sure is easy! And fun! Also, I have your brother! Tell Damon I said hello! Also: I’m a huge bitch!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! I invited you over to my house of ill repute so I could tell you that I kidnaped your nephew! That advances my plans somehow!
Uncle John Gilbert: Isobel, I know that there’s good in you. I can feel it. Let him go. </heartfelt>
Isobel Flemming: Well, that’s one option. Alternatly:
Gay Cowboy Friend: Lamp smash! Throat stomp! Rib kick!
Isobel Flemming: Ring of Not Dying snatch!
Uncle John Gilbert: Bleeds quietly on the carpet.
Elena Gilbert: So the plan is, you give us the Plot Device, Bonnie un-magics it until it doesn’t work any more-
Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch!
Elena Gilbert: -and we get Jeremy back without any more bloodshed.
Damon Salvatore: …okay, you lost me at “no more bloodshed.” Also, I don’t really trust Bonnie. You know, since I tried to kill her and all.
Elena Gilbert: Soulful eyes. You can trust me, Damon.
Damon Salvatore: …I am so getting into those pants.
Team Damon: Yay!
Uncle John Gilbert: Bleed. So the Original John Gilbert invented a Weapon of Mass Vampstruction. Groan. And there’s a group of evil(er) vampires coming back to Mystic Falls, to take revenge on the town. Whimper. Isobel wants them dead, too, which is cool. Bleed. But she also seems to want me dead, which is less than ideal.
Bonnie Bennet: Special effects powers activate! There, the weapon designed to get rid of vampires, for whom I have shown an intense, personal hatred, is destroyed. No, I’m not lying about it so Isobel can wipe out all of the vampires in Mystic Falls! Why would you ask that? Nervous laugh.
Isobel Flemming: All right Elena, Jeremy and Uncle John Gilbert are safe back at home. Gimme the Plot Device that I know Damon gave you, because he’s in love with you.
Damon Salvatore: Well that’s awkward.
Team Damon: Yay!
Stefan Salvatore: I am going to severely brood at you when we get home.
Elena Gilbert: Jeremy, I can explain everything…
Jeremy Gilbert: Sweet! Because I’m really wondering what happened during the period of time you had Damon erase from my memories! Doorslam!
Isobel Flemming: Hey Alaric! Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula> You’re totally over me! But don’t worry, I’m still a huge bitch!
Anna: My momma’s dead!
Jeremy Gilbert: So… no nookie tonight?
Stefan Salvatore: So, about you putting the moves on my girl…
Damon Salvatore: No worries, bro! We’re just friends. The kind of friends that talk to each other about the deepest secrets, and cry on each other’s shoulders, and stare longingly into each other’s eyes while the boring other vampire detoxes in the wine cellar. By the way: Uncle John Gilbert is also Papa John Gilbert! I’m going to go practice my comforting skills! Tootles!
Stefan Salvatore: …sonofa…
Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! The Plot Device and your Ring of Not Dying are on the doorstep. Do me a favor and kill all those vamps from the tomb. Also: could you murder Stefan and Damon until they’re dead?
Uncle John Gilbert: Boy can I!
Isobel Flemming: Thanks babe!
Caroline Forbes: Bonnie! What’s wrong!
Bonnie Bennet: Well, I may have deliviered a weapon capable of killing her boyfriend into the hands of a woman who really really wants to kill her boyfriend. And then promised them that the weapon was a dud. Also: what do you think about my new bangs?
The Plot: Thickens.
[...] On to the next episode! [...]
LMAO! This was priceless. Loving these recaps. Keep ‘em coming!
Your Jeremy killed me;
Anna: My momma’s dead!
Jeremy Gilbert: So… no nookie tonight?
Pahahaha.
Oh and, “Thomas: Direct quote. I <3 Damon."
As do I, Thomas. As do I. ;)
Team Damon FTW! ;)
i love how you call him Uncle John Gilbert every single time. they totally do that on the show and it is super weird. awesome recap. for realz.
Stefan: I’m servely going to brood at you when we get home.
Bahahahaha!! Amazingness! Because its so true he did look like that(Team Damon ftw :D )
Oh and the Jeremy&Anna scene was so wrong but I couldn’t help but laugh because of that I guess LMAO! Keep it up babes!
Loved it, Thomas! And congrats on the Julie Plec tweet!
I giggled out loud at “I’m am going to severely brood at you when we get home”. I have to wonder though, does Stefan know his brother at all?? Why in the world would he tell Damon not to pursue Elena? Like, seriously? When has Damon EVER backed down from a challenge!?
I love your recaps! Hilarious! I love how you always put stuff about Stefan being gay and then cross it out, cuz I’m convinced that Paul is gay and probably has a crush on Ian, haha! I can’t wait to read your season finale recap! Thanks, Thomas!
@ Kim C, i dunno that I’d say Paul is gay – isn’t he supposed to be engaged to Torrey somebody? I do think he has a serious man-crush on Ian though. Then again, who can blame him? Ian’s pretty much awesome in every way.
I laughed a lot at it. The names of the places are the best! Great job as usual (:
Love as usual. I’m a huge bitch!!! LOL!
Enjoy the recap and really enjoy that you interact with the folks who post comments.
While this isn’t the first inconsistancy and betting it won’t be the last one, but Uncle John Gilbert says nobody thought vampires would return to Mystic Falls in modern times, right?
But that research paper that Jeremy wrote for half a dozen episodes plus Isobel’s Ph.D. at Duke was about how Mystic Falls has periodic sprees of “wild animal attacks” and it has the highest rate of those mysterious wild animal attacks and disapearances in the Commonwealth of Virginia? Plus wouldn’t the townspeople know the whole church burning stuff failed when they found Papa Salvatore’s corpse drained of blood with fang marks on his neck the very next day?
Loved it :D great job as always
and as the founder of team damon “big fat yay” our boy is definitly getting some.
That was hilarious! Yours recaps always so ironical and actually accurate. Love it. Without them it wouldn`t be that funny to watch this series. Thank you, Tomas :)
Great job as always!! Didn’t you just love the scene with Damon and Isobel!! Seriously badass!!! Also noticed you did the recap a little sooner like you mentioned before…thanks!! Can’t wait for the finale recap next week hopefully you are able to do it in the same amout of time but if not no biggie. :)
Hey everyone, sorry I’ve been silent the last 24 hours or so… I got caught up doing boyfriend type things with my girlfriend type person :-)
Hey there Lil, thanks, I;m glad you enjoy the recaps :-)
Thanks Tina. I meant the “Uncle John Gilbert” thing to be kind of a joke, but you’re right, they do drop that in kind of frequently. Thanks :-)
Thanks DefineDelicate. :-) It’s true… Stefan’s go-to reaction is brooding. I wish they’d let him show his fangs a little more often, so to speak.
Thanks Ang :-) You’re absolutely right… if there was one thing that Stefan could have done to make Damon want Elena even more, it was telling him that he can’t have her.
I’m excited that the whole love triangle thing is out in the open now, and Damon can start making more of an active play for Elena. I think that’s a very rich well for some very interesting stories, and I can’t wait to see what the writers come up with.
Much obliged, Kim C :-) I don’t think Paul is gay – wikipedia actually says he’s dating Nina Dobrev, but I don’t know how accurate that it. But there’s nothing wrong with a little man-crush on Ian Somerhalder!
Ang: re: man crushes: I’m straight as an arrow, but I think Ian is gorgeous. There’s no shame in it.
Much obliged Tatiana :-)
Thanks Tracy :-) That was my very first reaction to Isobel: “well, the writers sure want us to know she’s a bitch!”
Hey SGWB, thanks :-) I’m actually kind of surprised that people (aside from my real-life friends) 1. read these and 2. comment, so it seems like writing back is the least I can do. :-)
You’re right about the inconsistencies. For a group of people that don’t expect vampires to show up, they sure have done a lot of vampire-related prep. The police even have vampire code words and training. And Stefan has been in the area recently enough to have a picture in a newspaper associated with the “animal attacks.”
Of course, maybe all of the prep was of the “better safe than sorry” kind, like a fire drill; you practice, but you never expect to actually have to escape a burning building.
Or, Uncle John Gilbert might have been referencing the tombpires specifically. The odd Salvatore brother here and there, sure, but maybe no one expected an entire horde of revenge-bent bloodsuckers to descend on Mystic Falls.
Thanks Sam :-) I agree – I’m pretty sure Dalena is going to happen, even though I’m also sure that Stelena is how the story will end. What I’m interested in is how the writers spin it to make that 1. happen and 2. okay. Mostly, I think Stefan is in for some light character assassination…
Thanks Lynx :-) That’s really what my sense of humor is all about… accurate observations taken to an absurd degree.
Thanks Candig :-) Yeah, the Isobel / Damon scene was pure badass. Even though there are more powerful vampires around – like Pearl, before her unfortunate case of wood poisoning – that are stronger, the Salvatore brothers are still pretty damn tough, and I love it when they get to showcase their badassery.
One of the things that makes Damon a great character is that he’s so unpredictable. You never know if he’s being self-serving or noble, and he can switch from playful to terrifying in the blink of an eye. That scene between Isobel and Damon could have gone either way: Damon could have been all “touch Elena and I’ll cut you,” or he could have been all “well, you’re hot and have nice lady bits, so let’s do this thing,” and either would have been perfectly in character for him. He’s a wildcard, and I love that the writers have kept him that way. His “redemption” arc, such as it is, has been more about him having occasional moments of nobility, and not a complete reformation. He’s still evil, and that’s just much more fun. :-)
My own quick thoughts on things:
!. I’d like to see more done with Stefan. He has a very dualistic nature: when he’s around Elena, he’s doing the whole Perfect Boyfriend thing, but he can also be a complete badass, like when he broke down the door to rescue Elena and Bonnie from Ben the Vampire Bartender, and he can be scary, like when he compelled and fanged that Miss Mystic Falls competitor. And it’s very established that he tries very hard to hide that dark side from Elena. I’d like to see that played up more. I’d like to see Stefan being the uber-perfect boyfriend in response to Damon’s interest in Elena, and I’d like to see Stefan become more and more… violent, I suppose, in response to the increasing threats in Mystic Falls. And I want to see how Elena reacts when she inevitably finds out.
2. I want Bonnie to become the Mini-Bad for this show, sort of a Dark Willow Lite. I fell in love with the character in Fool Me Once, when she lost her Grandmother, but she’s squandered a lot of that good will in the last two episodes. But her hatred of all things vampire, and her power – she may be the most powerful character on the show, at this point – could make for some interesting stories. I kind of want her to go down a route where she starts going after Stefan, for “Elena’s own good.”
3. Katherine. I want her in Mystic Falls. And I also want the writers to stay a thousand miles away from any “Katherine is impersonating Elena and ruining her life” stories.
4. Anna. I want her to go on revenge streak. And I want Jeremy to help her.
Thanks for your great recaps! Hilarious! Hey, what does “<3" mean? I tired to Bing it (meh), but couldn't fine it.
Thanks femlyn2 :-) Look at <3 sideways… it’s a heart ;-)
Like someone else commented earlier it’s really cool that you respond to your fans and that’s really what we are….your fans. I read your reply to my comment and your “thoughts” about things and I 100% agree with you plus you where dead on about Damon being a wild card. For instance when it came down to Damon having to rescue Stefan from the tomb vampires I had read comments on websites where people where coming up with scenarios about how Damon will get in but I dont think anyone had any idea he would do what he did. Also(ya there’s more)even though my fave couple is Stefan/Elena I am totally for a Stefan/Bonnie thing. I mean when Elena eventually gets with Damon I don’t want Stefan in the shadows watching and brooding from afar. That will just be pathetic for his character(of course I hope in the end Stelena do end up together). Thanks in advance for reading/putting up with my chatty cathy comment. Also please ignore my grammer as I am terrible when it comes to that.
Thanks Candig… everyone’s feedback means a lot to me, and like I said, responding seems like the least I can do. Besides, these conversations are fun! :-)
I literally shouted when Damon snapped the house-owner’s neck. I totally didn’t see that coming, but it was still completely in character, and those are the best kinds of surprises. A Stefan/Bonnie thing, for example, would need a lot of groundwork laid to be believable, because Bonnie is so completely anti-vampire. But Damon can do all kinds of surprising things, because his character is so mercurial. And the writers must have a sticky note on their monitors that says “Damon is unpredictable. And dangerous.” And I love that.
Like I said, I think Stefan/Bonnie would be hard to pull off believably, but you’re right, having him sulk in the background would suck, for him as a character and for us a viewers. I think what needs to happen is that he becomes so focused on something else – maybe stopping Katherine – that he pushes Elena away… that he wants to push her away. And, of course, into Damon’s waiting arms.
This is why I want them to play up the dualities in his character. I want to see more of him as the perfect boyfriend – bringing flowers and cooking dinner and all of that – when he’s with Elena, and I want to see the uber-badass – the tough-as-nails, cold, menacing, deadly vampire – when he’s not with Elena. And eventually, I want to see that darker side overtake him. At the same time, Damon’s noble side would be moderating his darker instincts. It would almost be like they’re trading places.
Found your site through Julie Plec’s tweet.
I love your sense of humor and the way in which you write these hilarious recaps; they have just the right dose of sarcasm, but underneath all the asurdity it also is really clear that you like the show very much. Great job!
I want Katherine in Mystic Falls, too; I even think she’s planning on returning and that’s why she wants to get rid off the tomb-vampires. But I agree that Katherine pretending to be Elena is a bad plot device.
Thanks Sandra :-)
Yeah, I do love the show. I’m sort of pre-disposed to – I’m a vampire junkie – but I really do like what they’ve done with all of this. The writers and the cast do a fantastic job.
I can’t wait to see what Katherine has planned!
OMG, so glad a friend told me about your blog today. You are hilarious. I love your “cut to the chase” version of Damon and the team Damon comments. hehe. I lol’d when Bonnie announced “I’m a witch!” Can’t wait for Thursday now…I’ll be following you!
Thanks so much Kel… glad you like the recaps! Team Damon FTW! :-)
Love your interpretations of Damon! I mean, I love Damon, his attitude, quotes , and his ability to put two and two together XD!
“Isobel Flemming: Hey Uncle John Gilbert! The Plot Device and your Ring of Not Dying are on the doorstep. Do me a favor and kill all those vamps from the tomb. Also: could you murder Stefan and Damon until they’re dead?
Uncle John Gilbert: Boy can I!”
That part killed me. totally.
Look who’s a new father now . You know, I tried to make a family tree of Elena’s biological and adopted family. Result? GOD! Isobel was such a total bitch! (well, not new, but…) She had a baby with her best friend’s sister’s ex boyfriend? (possible also friend)
But good news, Elena and Jeremy ARE actually related!
“Jeremy Gilbert: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the vampire you’re sleeping with, or the vampire everyone watching wants you to be sleeping with, has talked to her recently.”
You were NEVER so right :)
“Damon Salvatore: [...] Two: I like Elena, and I”m pretty sure she’s going to get bored with Stefan’s emotude soon-”
I hope so. Btw, what happened to Stefan’s bloody problem? Did he get over it so quick?
I SO want the writers to kill us tonight!
Thanks Ellie! :-)
Elena’s whole family… whatever… is a mess. Worse when you stat factoring in who slept with who. It’s one big soap-opera tangle. I hope we learn why she looks so much like Katherine soon…
And yeah, Stephan… one week in the cellar, and he’s totally clean. I call shenanigans! It’s like one of those TV preachers that gets caught with a guy in the bathroom… a few days of “intense prayer,” and they’re straight as an arrow. Right…
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