Adrien Brody: Yawn. Wow, that was a good… nap… shit.
Adrien Brody: Wow, I sure am glad to be alive!
Russian Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at Adrien Brody.
Mexican Cannon Fodder: Points a gun at the Russian Cannon Fodder.
Hot Girl: Points a gun at the Mexcian Cannon Fodder.
Adrien Brody: Stop! We can’t fight each other! We have a common enemy!
Mexican Cannon Fodder: Yeah? Who?
Adrien Brody: …anyway, let’s go find the rest of our rag-tag bunch of
African Cannon Fodder and Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Play a game of grab-ass.
Japenese Cannon Fodder: Is silent. But deadly.
Topher Grace: Um, guys? Can someone get me out of this tree? Anyone? Help? Please?
The Predator: Stalks invisibly.
The Entire Jungle: Has been turned into a deathtrap.
Hot Girl: Wait, this reminds me of a report I read, years ago, about a US Special Forces member who used trees and vines to create traps that his opponent couldn’t-
Adrien Brody: Hey, check out this US Special Forces guy! He’s got a hole where his chest used to be!
Hot Girl: Nevermind.
Millions of Rounds of Ammunition: Are fired.
Adrien Brody: Thank God we’re all safe!
Mexican Cannon Fodder: Could someone put my lungs back in please?
Hot Girl: Sure is wacky how this makeshift compass can’t seem to figure out which way is north, huh?
Adrien Brody: That’s all right, we’ll just head for high ground and then head toward the nearest-
The FX Department: Hey, check out this matte painting we did of a bunch of alien moons!
Adrien Brody: Shit.
Adrien Brody: So, we’re trapped on an alien planet and being hunted for game. There’s only one thing to do…
Hot Girl: Follow the Hell-dogs’ tracks back to their base camp, and launch a surprise assault?
Adrien Brody: I was going to go with “use the cannon fodder as bait so I can figure out what’s trying to kill me”, but whatever you want to tell yourself, sweetheart.
Classic Predator: Is trussed up and hanging from a totem pole.
Adrien Brody: Hey Russian guy, go poke that thing with a stick, would ya?
Russian Cannon Fodder: Da!
Classic Predator: Angryface.
Adrien Brody: Wait for it…
African Cannon Fodder: Dies.
Adrien Brody: That was so cool.
Plasma Casters: Pew pew pew!
Hot Girl: So, it sure was kind of a dick move how you hid behind that bush while… whatever that African guy’s name was… got murdered to death.
Adrien Brody: Oh yeah? Well it’s also kind of a dick move that you haven’t given us any exposition yet!
Hot Girl: …fine. Recaps the original Predator movie.
Everyone: Holy shit reptile hunter aliens with mandibles and space ships and ray guns and invisibility cloaks and wrist knives and skull collections we’re all gonna die shit!
Adrien Brody: So, who wants to volunteer to be bait?
Topher Grace: …
Adrien Brody: Someone small, and fast…
Topher Grace: …
Adrien Brody: Someone that doesn’t have a gun…
Topher Grace: …
Adrien Brody: Thanks for volunteering, Topher! You run that way, and we’ll try to shoot the invisible death ray alien lizard before he rips your spine out, okay?
Topher Grace: This plan sucks.
Morpheus: I’ve been here for seven years!
Morpheus: You idiot! It’s been ten years!
Morpheus: Oh right! Hey, did you know that Predators come in two kinds?
Morpheus: Yep! Classic Predators and Super Predators!
Morpheus: The Super Predators hunt in threes!
Morpheus: And the Classic Predators serve no point whatsoever!
Adrien Brody: So… that scene in the trailer, where I get lit up with like fifty million Predator aiming lasers?
Morpheus: Totally not in the movie!
Everyone: Backs away slowly.
Adrien Brody: Say, if you’ve been living as a scavenger for the last decade, how come you’re so fat?
Morpheus: …you wanna light these asshole on fire?
The Predator: Hey, what’s all this noise?
Topher Grace: Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!
Russian Cannon Fodder: Worry not, little man! I will save you!
Russian Cannon Fodder: Pulls a grenade.
Russian Cannon Fodder and a Predator: Die.
Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Hey, these Predators are honorable, right? Like, they won’t kill a guy who isn’t armed?
Another Predator: Plasma caster!
Serial Killer Cannon Fodder: Oh. Dies.
Another Predator: Spine rip!
Hot Girl: That reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where the Predator ripped the spine out of a guy named Poncho!
Japenese Cannon Fodder: Well, we’re screwed. I think I’m going to face this alien lizard death ray guy head on, and at least die an honorable death.
Hot Girl: This reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where a guy named Billie took off most of his clothes and faced the Predator with nothing but a machete.
Japenese Cannon Fodder: Yeah? How’d that go?
Hot Girl: Death by Offscreen Scream.
Japenese Cannon Fodder: Bummer. Well, I have a katana, so the director is basically obligated to show me fighting.
Another Predator: Uncloaks.
Japenese Cannon Fodder: Bows ceremonially.
Six Foot Wrist Blades: Appear out of nowhere.
Japenese Cannon Fodder: Reconsiders this life decision.
Japenese Cannon Fodder and the Predator: Die.
Topher Grace: Man, I sure am glad these Predators like a challenge, and wouldn’t resort to anything like putting a bear trap on this path!
A Bear Trap: Sproing!
Topher Grace: Sadface.
Adrien Brody: Man, that sucks. Well, good luck. I’m going to go steal a spaceship.
Adrien Brody: I must find some way to communicate with this Predator that the other Predators tied to this totem pole! Thankfully I studied mime in college!
Adrien Brody: Makes a bunch of silly faces and wild gestures.
Classic Predator: Beep boop beep bop Earth hologram.
Adrien Brody: Score!
Super Predator: Tosses Hot Girl and Topher Grace into a pit.
Hot Girl: Well, this sucks, but if we work together, I think we can escape.
Topher Grace: Well, that’s one option. Or… I could stab you with this neurotoxin, and then ramble on about how I’m a serially killer that finally feels at home here on this planet of killers.
Hot Girl: But then how will you escape from the pit?
Topher Grace: Crazy eyes!
Classic Predator: Rawr!
Super Predator: Decapitate!
Adrien Brody: Sadface.
Adrien Brody: Hey guys, turns out I have no way off this planet after all, so I came back here for company. Let me help you out of this pit.
Hot Girl: Nnn! Hish a srl klr!
Adrien Brody: What was that?
Topher Grace: I think she said “He’s seriously cool. Er.”
Adrien Brody: Oh, that’s funny. I thought she said “He’s a serial killer, and you should stab him a few times, then boobytrap his body so that it injures the Super Predator, giving you a reasonable chance of winning.”
Topher Grace: Sadface.
Topher Grace: Bleeds quietly on the ground.
Super Predator: Nudge, nudge.
The Boobytraps: Go boom.
Topher Grace: Dies.
Adrien Brody: Covers himself in mud, and lights a bunch of fires
Hot Girl: This reminds me of a scene from the first movie, where a guy-
Adrien Brody: Enough, all right? We get it. This movie is one big homage to the original Predator. And how can you even talk? You’re paralyzed.
Hot Girl: Mrphl!
Super Predator: Rawr!
Adrien Brody: Decapitate!
More Humans (and Hell-Dogs and Lizard People and Things): Fall from the sky.
Adrien Brody: Well. Let’s go find a way off of this planet.
Hot Girl: How are we going to do that?
Adrien Brody: I have no idea. I just wanted the camera to fade to black, so we could have sexy time now.
The Camera: Fades to black.