Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Okay Tara, you just sit right here in this chair. To which I have tied you. With excessively thick ropes.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Dude, she totally clashes with the drapes.
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Fangs!
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Fangs!
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi, Vampire Bill, and Lorena: Walk in covered in stripper blood.
Tara Thornton: Hi Bill!
Vampire Bill: …goddammit.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: I don’t like it when you bring strange men home! Pout!
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Hello? King? Doing King-type stuff? Sometimes that involves talking to other men. Drama queen.
Tara Thornton: Hi Bill it’s really good to see you Bill and we sure did miss you Bill but since you’re here can you maybe untie me and get me the hell out of here?
Vampire Bill: Yawn.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, the girl?
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Dude, she’s a trainwreck! Can’t hold a job, can’t keep a steady boyfriend… we’re like twins!
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Fair enough. And Bill Compton?
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Well, this file full of photos from when Sookie was a kid means he’s either a big time pedo, or the Vampire Queen of Louisiana sent him to befriend her in order to gain access to her telepathic powers. Or both.
Alcide Herveaux: Grr! Me am angry werewolf! Angry werewolf drive like asshole!
Sookie Stackhouse: Say, when you’re done trying to murder us with a pothole, could you take me to see the Vampire Queen King of Mississippi? I’m pretty sure that won’t be life threatening for either of us! Tee hee!
Alcide Herveaux: Facepalm.
Eric Northman: I-
Thomas: Squee!
Eric Northman: Wait, what?
Alice Cullen: He does that. You get used to it.
Thomas: Squee!
Alice Cullen: See?
Eric Northman: Oh. All right then. So, I told you, I come in peace, and you can get your goon-hands off of me.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Hello there? Who is this?
Eric Northman: Charm.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt.
Eric Northman: So, long story short, Bill Compton went missing, and he’s suspected of selling vampire blood.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Well, what a happy coincidence! Vampire Bill just happens to be my new Sheriff! Let’s ask him if that’s true!
Vampire Bill: Hi Eric!
Eric Northman: Huh. Well that’s awkward. But if you’re here, that means Sookie’s…
Vampire Bill: No longer mine. Grumble.
Eric Northman: Victory dance!
Vampire Bill: But, no. I already told the King that you’ve been dealing V on the Queen’s orders.
Eric Northman: Viking curse words. So, new plan. Wanna help me murder the Magister?
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Your idea intrigues me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Eric Northman: Victory dance! Again!
Debbie Van Pelt: The Vampire Queen King’s gonna murder you if anyone finds out about the biker bar full of werewolves hopped up on vampire blood!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi!
Debbie Van Pelt: White trash rage powers activate!
Sookie Stackhouse: Taunting the supernatural with no regard for my safety, or the safety of the guy protecting me, powers activate!
Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: So, do you like your new nightgown? And your new bed? And your new restraints?
Tara Thornton: …yes?
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Yay! Also, who the fuck is Lafayette? I thought you said no boyfriends? Throat grab!
Tara Thornton: Cousin! Also: gay!
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Oh, good! Say, wanna see something cool? Vampire texting really fast powers activate!
Thomas: 0_o
Jason Stackhouse: Hi guys! I’m her to blackmail Andy into giving me a job! Is he in?
Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.
Thomas: Runs to get a drink.
Alcide Herveaux’s Brain: I should sneak off and tell the Packmaster about the vampires and the blood and the brands and the almost-were sex.
Sookie Stackhouse: Why, I’d love to meet the Packmaster! Thanks so much for inviting me!
Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.
Jason Stackhouse: Is a train wreck.
Tara Thornton: Run away!
Cooter: I protest!
Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hi Lafayette!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Is my momma dead?
Jesus the Gay Nurse: No! I came here to… see you.
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Is someone saying I deal drugs? Because it’s a damn lie, and I’ll cut anyone that says otherwise!
Jesus the Gay Nurse: No! I thought we could… go see a movie?
Lafayette Reynolds: …
Jesus the Gay Nurse: Together?
Lafayette Reynolds: …
Jesus the Gay Nurse: I’m gay!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Sweet.
Alcide Herveaux: So, what do you want to do about the vampires and the werewolves and the blood and the almost-were sex?
Packmaster Fraidycat: Run and hide until it’s all over?
Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.
Jason Stackhouse: Washes a Sheriff’s car. Nakedly.
Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Drives by. Sultry-ly.
Jason Stackhouse: Steals a cop car to chase her down. License and registration, please.
Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Nope.
Jason Stackhouse: Name and phone number?
Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Dude, you’re not a cop. You’re not even wearing clothes.
Jason Stackhouse: Date at Merlotte’s?
Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: …maybe.
Arlene Fowler: Hi Jessica! I won’t look you in the eyes because you dead people like to hypnotize us alive people! </racist>
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi customers! Be sure not to tip your waitress! </vampire-mind-whammy>
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jessica! This is my girlfriend, Jenny the Extra, who I’m bringing around because you never call!
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Screw him. He’s a redneck, and you’re hot. Let’s have sex.
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Whaaa! My prisoner lover tried to escape from me? Why? Why? Why?!?
Tara Thornton: Um, if I tell you that it’s because the other vampires scare me, will you not eat me?
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, Franklin found Sookie’s family tree in your house, and I’m pretty sure your Queen has you looking into human telepathy.
Vampire Bill: Nope. That’s bullshit. Sir. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)
Andy Bellefleur: Stackhouse! Good news! They’re gonna make you a deputy! All you have to do is pass the physical!
Jason Stackhouse: Score!
Andy Bellefleur: And the written exam!
Jason Stackhouse: Sadface!
Lafayette Reynolds and Jesus the Gay Nurse: Bitch please! Flirt.
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Hey, can I stay with you tonight?
Sam Merlotte: Sure, just tell your family where you’ll be.
Sam’s Brother Tommy: I’m thinking… no.
Sam Merlotte: Why? What’s your redneck father want from you?
Sam’s Brother Tommy: Hey look at the time got to be going nice talking to you see you later bye bye!
Thomas: Great. Sam’s Redneck Father is a Redneck Pedophile. Goddammit, show.
Cooter: Hey, did you hear that your Bon Temps waitress is sucking werewolf cock now? Right here in Jacksonville?
Vampire Bill: Super vampire kicking the werewolf’s ass until he tells me where Sookie is powers activate!
Burly the Big Vampire Bodyguard: Lumbers in dumbly.
Vampire Bill: Super vampire kicking burly vampire bodyguard’s ass so I can go rescue Sookie powers activate!
Jason Stackhouse: I thought you stood me up!
Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Nope! Here I am! And now I’m leaving!
Jason Stackhouse: But wait! We haven’t had out “make out on a moonlit riverside” scene yet!
Jason Stackhouse and Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Make out on a moonlit riverside.
Eric Northman: So, can you help me get my Progeny back from the Magister yet?
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Actually, I have to go let a werewolf suck on my wrist for a bit. But can you keep my boy toy occupied for a while? I think he’s got a crush on you.
Lorena the Crazy Maker: Hi… Eric?
Eric Northman: …interesting.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Boys only!
Eric Northman: Charm.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt.
Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.
Thomas: Runs to the bathroom.
Tara Thornton: Baby, we need to talk.
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Don’t say that. Women say that, everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts.
Thomas: Loves this show.
Tara Thornton: No no no, it’s just that I haven’t eaten in like three episodes, and I’m kind of hungry.
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Headsmack! Of course! Let’s go to a fancy restaurant!
Tara Thornton: Yay!
Franklin the Friendly Vampire: We can celebrate your last day as a human!
Tara Thornton: …fuck.
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and here’s where we keep our Japanese porn cartoons…
Eric Northman: Saucy!
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and this is our shelf full of ancient weapons
Eric Northman: Exotic!
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and this is where we keep the crown we took from your father’s head after we killed your whole family with werewolves!
Eric Northman: …I am going to murder everyone in this house. Twice.
Vampire Bill: Suckhy!
Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!
Vampire Bill: You must GTFO! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)
Cooter: Hi! I’m here to kidnap you!
Sookie Stackhouse: Weird hands of light that throw away the evil supe powers activate!
The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Wheeee! That was fun! Do it again!
The Plot: Thickens.
Another fantastic funny recap! I ran out both times they showed Sam’s redneck family (I honestly thought that storyline was going to be better, but it sucks!), but I also don’t like Jason’s storyline either… =.=’ that Crystal chick’s mystery bored me to tears. Other than that, Eric is still being the awesome-est Eric he can be. And I’m kind of digging the werewolf story line too. Anyhow, keep the recaps comin’!
Thanks Patt :-) I loved that Eric was involved with the Mississippi vamps, but now that he’s got a blood oath of vengeance to fulfill… I’m positively giddy to see what he does to the King. :-D
Loved..the runs to the bathroom..parts..cause that is what i do!lol
Lol, Hi Alice! *waves and runs off to finish reading*
(Thomas, your taste in fictional vampires is impeccable. Seriously, how freakin amaaaazzzing are those two?!?)
Okay, i’m done. Fabulous recap, Thomas! I’m still tickled that all Lafayette’s dialogue starts with “Bitch please!” lol. Also, you think Joe Lee’s a pedo? God, I hope the writers are more creative than that. ick.
And OMG, FRANKLIN. I mean his insanity defies description… there are no words. I love it! The speed-typing ‘motherfucker’ was awesome. “I’ll erase it so you can watch again” .. lol!
Heh, thanks Ang… I like to think of myself as something of a vampire connoisseur. ;-)
Sam’s Redneck Family… I’m done. I just don’t have it in me to care, and I hope the entire family is murdered off by a random passing vampire. No resolution to their plot lines, no development in their character arcs, just mid scene, one of the Magister’s minions is like “hey, I’m hungry. FANGS!” and then they’re not on the show ant more.
Someone (on io9, I think) said that he thought Joe Lee was using his son in dog fights or something, but I got a pedo vibe from him. But whatever. As long as they’re dead by the end of the season.
Franklin is amazing. Creepy/Hilarious/Creepy in turns. Moments like “don’t say we need to talk, when a girl says that, it all goes black and I wake up surrounded by body parts” are why I watch this show lol.
And I *cannot* wait for Eric’s Epic Saga of Viking Revenge. I really want to watch him throw down and tear people apart.
Oh, hey Amy… sorry I didn’t reply earlier, I thought you were Ang too :-) Yeah, Sam’s Redneck Family is like a builtin break lol :-)
Hi Thomas. I usually only lurk, but I had to comment this time. For starters your recaps are stupendously hilarious and have me laughing out loud every single time. Fantastic job.
And this week’s was no exception. My favorite line?
“Eric Northman: …I am going to murder everyone in this house. Twice.” LMAO!!!
Just fabulous. Can’t wait to read next week’s recap. :)
Hi Cindy, thanks for reading… glad you’re enjoying yourself :-) I’m watching this week’s episode now, and can’t wait for viking-geddon :-)