The Brother Strause: So every alien invasion movie I’ve ever seen has involved a cop or a soldier or a scientist or someone else how can we make out movie different?
The Other Brother Strause: We could make it revolve around an idiot rap star, his douche bag friend, his knocked-up girlfriend, and that guy from Dexter…
The Brother Strause: Brilliant!
The Brothers Strause: So yeah, it’s an alien invasion flick. You know Independence Day? Yeah, it’s nothing like that.
The Guy Who Cuts The Trailer: Independence Day? Got it.
Hypnotic Blue/White Lights: Fall from the sky and shine all over LA.
The Love Interest: Uuugh how can it be morning already? Also: morning sickness!
Thomas: Oh good, if there’s one thing my alien invasion movies were missing, it was unwanted pregnancy melodrama.
The Annoying Douchebag: Why, that’s not the light of morning! It’s the light of something else which I will now go check on.
Hypnotic Blue/White Lights: Walk towards the light! </poltergeist>
The Annoying Douchebag: Okay!
Hypnotic Blue/White Lights: Kidnap!
Thomas: Oh thank god, I didn’t want to spend the next two hours with that douche bag.
The Annoying Douchebag: Surprise! I’m actually in the entire movie!
The Idiot Rap Star: Hi Douchebag! I invited you to LA to celebrate my birthday! And offer you a job doing computer-ey stuff! And to cause some relationship strife between you and your girlfriend, who may or may not want to move to LA with you!
Thomas: Does this contribute to the plot in any way?
The Idiot Rap Star: Nope! But don’t worry, we’ll only talk about this for the next half hour!
The Aliens: Hi guys! We’re here for your brains!
The Annoying Douchebag: I have an irresistible urge to throw myself off this balcony and into the cold embrace or some alien tentacles!
The Idiot Rap Star: No! Annoying douchebag tackle!
The Brothers Strause: Hey, you remember that scene from Independence Day where the mother ships were just floating over the cities, and it was really creepy? Let’s do that!
The Idiot Rap Star: I’m going to go up on the roof and see what’s happening!
The Annoying Douchebag: I’m going to come with you!
The Aliens: We aren’t going to kill these guys yet!
The Flying Squid Alien: Vroom! Zoom! Yeroom!
The Alien Mothership: Super alien human sucking powers activate!
The Humans: Whee this is the best ride ever whee!
The Aliens: Nom nom nom tasty human brains nom!
The Humans: Boo this is the worst ride ever boo!
The Idiot Rap Star: Okay, new plan! I’m going to go steal my neighbor’s keys, and then we’re gonna make a run for my boat!
The Love Interest: Two points: One, you’re a rap star, and you own like thirty seven cars. Two, why are we going out on your boat?
The Aliens from Signs: Just go with him on this.
The Brothers Strause: Hey, you remember that scene from War of the Worlds, where the alien tentacle periscope thing came creeping through the house, and it was really scary? Let’s do that!
The Neighbor: Okay! What do I do?
The Aliens: Yoink!
The Brothers Strause: Sorry!
The Idiot Rap Star: Okay, I’ve got the keys! I’ll hop in my pimpmobile, and you guys follow me in the neighbor’s SUV!
The Annoying Douchebag: Wait, why are we taking two cars?
The Idiot Rap Star: So that there will still be main characters left when the giant brontosaurus alien steps on me!
The Brontosaurus Alien: Smoosh!
That Guy From Dexter: Hi everybody! I’m in charge now! Back to the apartment!
A Couple of Unnamed Random People: What about us!
That Guy From Dexter: Run at the flying squid alien, yelling “please please please at my tasty brains please!”
A Couple of Unnamed Random People: Okay!
The Flying Squid Alien: Nom nom nom tasty human brains nom!
That Guy From Dexter: Okay, new plan! We stay here!
The Annoying Douchebag: And then?
That Guy From Dexter: We stay here some more!
The Love Interest: For how long?
That Guy From Dexter: Until we’ve padded the running time out long enough to call this a feature length film!
The Annoying Douchebag: I’m sick of waiting around here! I’m going to go back up on the roof or something!
The Love Interest: No! I want to stay here!
The Annoying Douchebag: That makes me angry!
That Guy From Dexter: Take your hands off her!
The Annoying Douchebag: No way! She’s my girlfriend, not yours, so I get to make all of her choices for her! Also: the alien hypno-ray gave me super strength for some reason, so I can totally kick your ass, but don’t worry, this isn’t going to come up again!
The Annoying Douchebag and The Love Interest: Head for the roof.
That Guy From Dexter: Well, I’ll just blow out the pilot light and turn on the stove, then wait for the brontosaurus alien to show up, and take him out with my hotel-sized IED.
The Brontosaurus Alien: Hi Sgt. Batista! I’m a huge fan of your work, and-
That Guy From Dexter: Lighting a cigarette and blowing up a fifty story building powers activate!
The Brontosaurus Alien: Wow, dude, I just wanted an autograph. Dick move.
The Annoying Douchebag: Thank god that building-leveling explosion didn’t actually cause the roof to collapse!
The Brothers Strause: Hey, you remember that scene from Independence Day, where the air force was dogfighting with the alien ships, and it was really awesome? Let’s do that!
The Air Force: Okay!
The Alien Mothership: Explodes.
The Air Force: Self high five!
The Alien Mothership: Super alien self-reassembly powers activate!
The Air Force: Sadface!
The Flying Squid Alien: Hello, remaining lead characters, I’m hear to eat your brains!
The Love Interest: Axe smash!
The Annoying Douchebag: Roid rage!
The Flying Squid Alien: Twitch, flop, die.
The Alien Mothership: Dick move, lead characters. Anyway, I’m going to suck you up in my light vacuum now.
The Annoying Douchebag and The Love Interest: Okay!
Thomas: Really. At this point, even the main characters were so sick of this movie that they were just like “fuck it” and sat around and waited for the aliens to eat them. Which leads us to:
The Brothers Strause: Hey, you remember that scene from Aliens, where the people were all like cocooned in the alien nest and being used as food or incubators or whatever, and it was really gross? Let’s do that!
The Aliens: You know what? Ever we’re kinda bored with the brain eating. But a job’s a job, so…
The Annoying Douchebag: Dies.
The Love Interest: D-:
The Aliens: Okay, one lead character left. Wait, you’re pregnant? Let’s take you to our extra-special brain sucking room, then.
The Love Interest: What for?
The Aliens: The studio has another room filled with rubber tubes and petroleum jelly, and the investors like to think they’re getting their money’s worth. Does it really matter? Just stick with us for another couple of minutes, and this shit-fest will be over with.
An Alien: Nom nom nom tasty human brain nom!
Another Alien: Nom nom nom tasty human brain nom!
A Third Alien: Hey, the Annoying Douchebag’s brain is glowing red instead of blue! Oh well, I bet that won’t cause me any problems. Nom nom nom- aw fuck.
The Annoying Douchebag: I’m an alien now!
An Alien: Nom nom nom tasty love interest brain nom!
The Annoying Douchebag: Alien ass kicking powers activate! Don’t worry, love interest! I’ll save you from these hundreds of aliens that are now surrounding us!
The Audience: Awesome! This could be really interesting! What happens next?
The Brothers Strause: Beats the shit out of us. Roll credits!