The Producers: So Mr. Ball… do you mind if we call you testicle?
Alan Ball: Um, yes, actually…
The Producers: So Mr. Testicle, what exactly is this… True Blood… all about?
Alan Ball: Well, it’s based on the Charlaine Harris’ best-selling Southern Vampire Mysteries, narrated by telepath Sookie Stackhouse and revolving around her love affair with the vampire Bill Compton. Sookie becomes fascinated with Bill when she learns that she is somehow unable to hear his thoughts.
The Producers: Wait, a human girl and her vampire boyfriend, one of them is a telepath, the other is a big black hole of “you can’t hear me”… why does this sound familiar?
Stephenie Meyer: Innocent whistle.
Alan Ball: Well, although the Southern Vampire Mysteries came first, that’s an excellent point, actually… this series is perfectly timed to capitalize on the sudden vampire explosion…
The Producers: …
Alan Ball: While providing an edge and a humor lacking in much of today’s vampire fiction…
The Producers: …
Alan Ball: And I think I can talk Anna Paquin into taking off her shirt.
The Producers: Let’s make a TV show!
The Cute Young Girl: You know what would spice up this road trip? A handjob!
The Cute Young Boy: You know what else would spice up this road trip? Stopping at this craphole convenience store that just happens to be selling Tru Blood!
Nan Flanagan, Spokesvampire (on the TV): So you see, we
homosexuals vampires deserve the same rights as everybody else!
Bill Maher (slumming): But aren’t vampires all
child molesters blood sucking fiends?
Nan Flanagan, Spokesvampire (on the TV): …no.
The Cute Young Couple: You totally sell Tru Blood! Do you get like real life vampires and stuff?
Vigo the Gas Station Goth: I vant to suck you blood!
The Cute Young Couple: OMG A VAMPIRE!
Vigo the Gas Station Goth: Haha, I’m just kidding!
Bubba the Redneck Hillbillypire: Haha, I’m going to murder everyone in this store! Fangs!
The Cute Young Couple: Runs.
Vigo the Gas Station Goth: Urinates.
Bubba the Redneck Hillbilly: Y’all have a nice day now, ya hear?
Sookie Stackhouse: lalala if I think hard enough I can’t hear all of my redneck customers’ dirty sex thoughts lalala!
Sam Merlotte: I am so totally going to (try to) hit that.
The Purple Hose Beast: I’m a horrible person!
Tara Thornton: Me too!
Mike the Manager: You’re fired!
Tara Thornton: I quit! And my prisonbabbydaddy is gonna come kick your ass!
Mike the Manager: Wibble.
Tara Thornton: I don’t have a prisonbabydaddy you pathetic racist!
Sam Merlotte: Sookie! Your emotionally unstable friend is on the phone!
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh, she probably just assaulted her boss and quit her job again.
Dawn Green: Don’t look now, but the most horrible people in the world are about to sit in your section!
Mac Rattray: Slaps his sister-wife’s ass.
Denise Rattray: Slaps her brother-husband’s face.
Mac Rattray’s Brain: I wanna have hot dirty sex with Sookie!
Denise Rattray’s Brain: I wanna eat onion rings!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Lafayette!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You look like a porn star!
Sookie Stackhouse: No, that’s not till like halfway through the season.
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Pussy! Pussy pussy pussy! Puuuuuuuusy!
Dawn Green: My ass is amazing!
Arlene Fowler: I have great tits!
Sookie Stackhouse: I strongly object to all of this!
Maudette Pickens: Oh baby! I love it when you go down on me while I’m watching TV!
Jason Stackhouse: So, whilst I was betwixt your neathers, I couldn’t help but notice something that looks suspiciously like fang marks…
Maudette Pickens: What? I like rough sex! And if it kills me, I’ll die happy!
Jason Stackhouse: …so, I’ve gotta be going now…
Maudette Pickens: Wanna watch the tape?
Jason Stackhouse: …maybe…
Tara Thornton: My life sucks!
Sookie Stackhouse: So does mine!
Sam Merlotte: Anything I can do to make it better?
Tara Thornton and Sookie Stackhouse: …
Sam Merlotte: For example, my penis could make your life much better.
Tara Thornton and Sookie Stackhouse: …
The Door: Opens.
The Wind: Blows.
The Violins: Play.
The Lights: Dim.
The Drama: Is melo.
Vampire Bill: Sits in Sookie’s section.
Sookie Stackhouse: Sam Sam Sam, I think we got our first vampire sam I’m so excited Sam squee!
Sam Merlotte: Vampire? What vampire?
Sookie Stackhouse: That vampire! The really pale guy? With the hundred-year-old haircut? And the blood on his lips? And the fangs?
Sam Merlotte: Nope! I don’t see no vampire.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Mr. Vampire!
Vampire Bill: Hi! Do you have any Tru Blood? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)
Mac and Denise Rattray: Shifty eyes.
Maudette Pickens (on the sex tape): I’m getting sexed!
Liam McKnight (on the sex tape): I’m a demon!
Jason Stackhouse (on the couch): If I wasn’t getting head, this would be terribly disturbing!
Denise Rattray: I would truly enjoy being violated by a vampire!
Sookie Stackhouse: She’s a slut!
Tara Thornton: She’s gonna get eaten!
Sookie Stackhouse: Bill’s not like that!
Tara Thornton: You’ve known him for fifteen minutes!
Sookie Stackhouse: I’m a
shockingly bad good judge of character!
Denise Rattray’s Brain: I’m gonna drain Bill dry and sell his blood!
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh hold on, I’ve got to go save a vampire’s life.
Sam Merlotte: And I’ve got to go save my way into Sookie’s pants. Watch the bar for me?
Sookie Stackhouse: Why, this giant, rusty chain is just the sort of thing an enterprising telepath would need to rescue a vampire from the dirty clutches of a pair of no good blood sellers!
Jason Stackhouse: Let’s have awkward rough sex!
Maudette Pickens: Let’s tape it, too!
Jason Stackhouse: Wait, what?
Vampire Bill: Slowly bleeds to death. Or however that works.
Mac and Denise Rattray: Are rednecks.
Sookie Stackhouse: Super not explained until the third season wrapping a chain around Mac Rattray’s throat powers activate!
Denise Rattray: I am so going to cut you.
Sookie Stackhouse: Yeah yeah yeah, I have a vampire boyfriend now, so suck it!
Vampire Bill: Um, little help? (He would have said it all formal and accent-ey, except he wasn’t in excruciating pain.)
The Mysterious Puppy of Indeterminate Origin: Don’t mind me, just here to mark my territory! Pees on Sookie’s leg.
Vampire Bill: Thank you.
Sookie Stackhouse: Super telepath not being able to hear a vampire’s thoughts powers activate! I can’t hear you!
Vampire Bill: THANK. YOU.
Thomas: <3 Season One Bill.
Vampire Bill: So, not afraid of hanging out with a hungry vampire in the middle of the dark woods?
Sookie Stackhouse: No, I’ll just wrap the Rattray’s silver chain around my neck.
Vampire Bill: …which does nothing to cover the artery in your groin.
Sookie Stackhouse: Language!
Vampire Bill: Anyway, you want my blood? Makes you healthy, improves your sex life…
Sookie Stackhouse: No thanks, I’m healthy as a horse, and the only sex life I have is with Freddy Fingers, so…
Vampire Bill: Super vampire rushing across the clearing powers activate! What are you? </throaty voice>
Sookie Stackhouse: I’m a waitress! Named Sookie! What’s your name?
Vampire Bill: …Bill </throaty voice>
Sookie Stackhouse: Bill? Vampire Bill? Not Antoine or Langford or something not lame? Okay then.
Vampire Bill: Broody face.
Sam Merlotte: Hi Sookie! I’m useless! And jealous!
Sam Merlotte: Hi Tara! Want a job?
The Nightmare: Begins.
Jason Stackhouse: Hi everybody!
Dawn Green: ~* Hi sexyface! *~
Tara Thornton: Eye roll.
Jason Stackhouse: Raging boner.
Dawn Green: Cock tease!
Jason Stackhouse: Sadface!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Grandma! Guess what?
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Did you get a date?
Sookie Stackhouse: …No. I met a vampire!
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Oh! Are you going to date him?
Sookie Stackhouse: …No.
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Oh. Goodnight, then.
Vampire Bill: Sooooookie! Soooooookie! Look out your wiiiiiindow!
Sookie Stackhouse: Why, it is that handsome vampire whom I saved from the Rattrays! I should run outside and parlay with him!
Vampire Bill: Hi Sookie! I’m naked!
Sookie Stackhouse: I’m horny!
Vampire Bill: I’m hungry!
Sookie Stackhouse: I’m glad this is just a dream!
Jason Stackhouse: So… about this new hobby of beating up drug dealers…
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh, don’t worry! I’m sure that after the scare I gave them, they won’t even think about waiting for me outside of Merlotte’s and kicking me in the teeth until my spleen explodes! Tee hee!
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Hi Jason! Did you hear that someone strangled your sorta girlfriend, Maudette Pickens, to death last night?
Jason Stackhouse: …shit.
Sookie Stackhouse: I heard she was sleeping with a vampire!
Jason Stackhouse: Hey! Did you know that some women like to be bitten by vampires? And that some women even get paid to get bit by vampires?
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: That’s so trashy!
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s so much easier than waitressing!
Jason Stackhouse’s Brain: lalala I totally didn’t kill Maudette Pickens last night lalala
Sookie Stackhouse: Wait, what?
Jason Stackhouse (on the phone): Hi Dawn! We should have sex!
Dawn Green (on the phone): No!
Jason Stackhouse (on the phone): Please?
Dawn Green (on the phone): Okay!
Sheriff Bud Dearborn: Hi Jason!
Andy Bellefleur: Did you fuck and then murder Maudette Pickens?
Jason Stackhouse: …shit.
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Hi Sookie! Do you think Vampire Bill would like to talk to our history group, The Sons of God Damn The North For Stealing Our Slaves?
Sookie Stackhouse: …I’ll ask him.
Tara Thornton: Hi skank!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Hi whore!
Bubba: Um, could I get a drink or something?
Tara Thornton: Fuck off!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Hey, could someone tell Sookie her brothers a murderer?
Everyone in the Bar: Sorry your brother’s a murderer Sookie!
Sookie Stackhouse: D-:
Vampire Bill: Appears out of nowhere.
Sookie Stackhouse: :-D
Everyone in the Bar: D-:
Vampire Bill: I do believe that you are something more than human… Sucky. </foreshadowing>
Sookie Stackhouse: Why Bill… you make me want to invite you to a Civil War club!
Vampire Bill: …why don’t I just meet you after work?
Sam Merlotte: God dammit Sookie you can’t keep putting yourself in danger like this!
Sam Merlotte’ Brain: And my penis will keep you safe and sound!
Sookie Stackhouse: I really hope Tara bursts in here to interrupt this awkward moment.
Tara Thornton: Hi Sookie! I’m a bitch!
Sookie Stackhouse: Thank god.
Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill! Where are you Bill!
Mac and Denise Rattray: Facekick!
The Plot: Thickens.