Malcolm: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. <dracula>
Sookie Stackhouse: Yawn.
Vampire Bill: No… SUHCKY! IS! MUHN! (Except he said it… well, pretty much like that)
Malcolm, Diane, and Liam: Pout!
Malcolm: So, who wants to eat Jerry?
Vampire Bill: I do! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Jerry the Gay Fangbanger’s Brain: I’ve got vampire AIDS!
Sookie Stackhouse: Um, Bill? He’s a very… positive… individual, if you know what I mean.
Malcolm: So, who wants to torture Jerry? Peace out!
Sookie Stackhouse: So… suhcky is yuhs?
Vampire Bill: This is going to be hard to explain, isn’t it? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: Don’t worry, I about to develop a real kink for being lied to and manipulated.
Tara Thornton: So… that vampire’s fanging your would-be girlfriend.
Sam Merlotte: So? The entire county is banging your would-be boyfriend.
Tara Thornton: We’re pretty fucked up, aren’t we?
Sam Merlotte: Word.
Dawn Green: Aw, where’s Jason?
Vincent the Fashion Forward Vampire: In my belly!
Dawn Green: Sob!
Vincent the Fashion Forward Vampire Jason Stackhouse: Surprise!
Dawn Green: Punch! Laugh! Sex!
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, that sure was fu-
Vampire Bill: Hi Sookie! (Except he appeared all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: God dammit Bill!
Vampire Bill: Hey, did you know that I don’t have any brain waves?
Everyone That’s Seen Season Three: You got that right.
Sookie Stackhouse: So… I think we should see other people!
Vampire Bill: Angry face!
Sookie Stackhouse: Yes, that’s the way to win me over. Go all angry vampire on me.
Thomas: Well, yeah, actually…
Tara Thornton: My mom’s a drunk!
Sam Merlotte: My mom’s a bitch! Literally!
Tara Thornton: We should have sex!
Sam Merlotte: Nah, I think I’m gonna wait until Sookie realizes she wants to jump my bones.
Tara Thornton: More booze?
Sam Merlotte: More booze.
Tara Thornton: Gee, it’s a real shame that I have this vagina just sitting here, not being used.
Sam Merlotte: Well, when you put it that way…
Little Sam: Hi Tara!
Dawn Green: Unf unf unf!
Jason Stackhouse: Unf unf unf!
Little Jason: Bye!
Dawn Green: Vampire sex is the best sex!
Jason Stackhouse: You’re a dirty ho!
Dawn Green: I have a gun!
Jason Stackhouse: Well I think I need to be going now!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Bill!
Vampire Bill: Never sneak up on a vampire, Suhcky! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: So I was thinking that we should have the sex now!
Vampire Bill: I agree! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey. With his penis.)
Sookie Stackhouse: Vampire sex dreams are weird.
Sam Merlotte: Woof! Ruff! Bark!
Tara Thornton: Crazy ass white people.
Jason Stackhouse: You know what would help my erection? Anything that doesn’t involve vampires.
Vampire Bill: Hi guys! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Malcolm, Diane, and Liam: Hi buzz kill!
Vampire Bill: So, if you don’t step off of Suhky, I’m going to sick the Vampire Queen of Louisiana on you (Except he threatened them all formal and accent-ey)
Sam Merlotte: Ah crap, I scared off another girl with the barking thing, didn’t I?
Lettie Mae Thornton: Hi Tara! Bible thump!
Tara Thornton: Stupid bitch!
Lettie Mae Thornton: Jesus is gonna smite your ass! Face smash!
Tara Thornton: Fuck this place. So. Hard.
Sookie Stackhouse: Super Sookie doing all the yard work really fast powers activate!
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Sookie! Why on earth are you working so hard?
Sookie Stackhouse: I was getting a hand cramp from masturbating so much. Vampire blood. It’s a thing.
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: I… think I’m going to make lunch now.
Tara Thornton: She hit me in the head with a vodka bottle!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! I can fix you up with some synergistic drug interactions.
Senator Closet Case: So I left the… you know… on the… in there… and call me when the… special thing… comes in.
Tara Thornton: Fuckin white people.
Sam Merlotte: You know what this town needs? A vampire slayer.
Thomas: What town doesn’t?
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Grandma! Do you think I should keep seeing Vampire Bill?
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Well, sex with a supe can be pretty great. Like how you can hear everyone’s thoughts because of that fairy I banged back in the ’50s.
Sookie Stackhouse: Wait, what?
Jason Stackhouse: Hi Lafayette! I need your help!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You damn right you do! Sultry eyes.
Jason Stackhouse: I need Viagra!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! I don’t carry anything legal. But if you’re interested in priapism, I’ve got some V laying around.
Jason Stackhouse: Thanks bro!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! That’s some expensive mojo.
Jason Stackhouse: Aw, can’t I just take my clothes off for you?
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You damn right you can!
Tara Thornton: Wibble.
Sookie Stackhouse: This seems like a great place to
touch myself lay in the sun!
Sam Merlotte (on the phone): Hi Sookie! Dawn’s
dead asleep! Can you go call the police wake her up?
Dawn Green’s Corpse: In retrospect, sleeping with
Jason that vampire anyone was a mistake.
The Plot: Thickens.