Malcolm: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. <dracula>
Sookie Stackhouse: Yawn.
Malcolm: Glower.
Liam: Fangs!
Vampire Bill: No… SUHCKY! IS! MUHN! (Except he said it… well, pretty much like that)
Malcolm, Diane, and Liam: Pout!
Malcolm: So, who wants to eat Jerry?
Vampire Bill: I do! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Jerry the Gay Fangbanger’s Brain: I’ve got vampire AIDS!
Sookie Stackhouse: Um, Bill? He’s a very… positive… individual, if you know what I mean.
Malcolm: So, who wants to torture Jerry? Peace out!
Sookie Stackhouse: So… suhcky is yuhs?
Vampire Bill: This is going to be hard to explain, isn’t it? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: Don’t worry, I about to develop a real kink for being lied to and manipulated.
Tara Thornton: So… that vampire’s fanging your would-be girlfriend.
Sam Merlotte: So? The entire county is banging your would-be boyfriend.
Tara Thornton: We’re pretty fucked up, aren’t we?
Sam Merlotte: Word.
Dawn Green: Aw, where’s Jason?
Vincent the Fashion Forward Vampire: In my belly!
Dawn Green: Sob!
Vincent the Fashion Forward Vampire Jason Stackhouse: Surprise!
Dawn Green: Punch! Laugh! Sex!
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, that sure was fu-
Vampire Bill: Hi Sookie! (Except he appeared all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: God dammit Bill!
Vampire Bill: Hey, did you know that I don’t have any brain waves?
Everyone That’s Seen Season Three: You got that right.
Sookie Stackhouse: So… I think we should see other people!
Vampire Bill: Angry face!
Sookie Stackhouse: Yes, that’s the way to win me over. Go all angry vampire on me.
Thomas: Well, yeah, actually…
Tara Thornton: My mom’s a drunk!
Sam Merlotte: My mom’s a bitch! Literally!
Tara Thornton: We should have sex!
Sam Merlotte: Nah, I think I’m gonna wait until Sookie realizes she wants to jump my bones.
Tara Thornton: More booze?
Sam Merlotte: More booze.
Tara Thornton: Gee, it’s a real shame that I have this vagina just sitting here, not being used.
Sam Merlotte: Well, when you put it that way…
Little Sam: Hi Tara!
Dawn Green: Unf unf unf!
Jason Stackhouse: Unf unf unf!
Liam: Hi!
Little Jason: Bye!
Dawn Green: Vampire sex is the best sex!
Jason Stackhouse: You’re a dirty ho!
Dawn Green: I have a gun!
Jason Stackhouse: Well I think I need to be going now!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Bill!
Vampire Bill: Never sneak up on a vampire, Suhcky! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: So I was thinking that we should have the sex now!
Vampire Bill: I agree! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey. With his penis.)
Sookie Stackhouse: Vampire sex dreams are weird.
Sam Merlotte: Woof! Ruff! Bark!
Tara Thornton: Crazy ass white people.
Jason Stackhouse: You know what would help my erection? Anything that doesn’t involve vampires.
Vampire Bill: Hi guys! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Malcolm, Diane, and Liam: Hi buzz kill!
Vampire Bill: So, if you don’t step off of Suhky, I’m going to sick the Vampire Queen of Louisiana on you (Except he threatened them all formal and accent-ey)
Sam Merlotte: Ah crap, I scared off another girl with the barking thing, didn’t I?
Lettie Mae Thornton: Hi Tara! Bible thump!
Tara Thornton: Stupid bitch!
Lettie Mae Thornton: Jesus is gonna smite your ass! Face smash!
Tara Thornton: Fuck this place. So. Hard.
Sookie Stackhouse: Super Sookie doing all the yard work really fast powers activate!
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Sookie! Why on earth are you working so hard?
Sookie Stackhouse: I was getting a hand cramp from masturbating so much. Vampire blood. It’s a thing.
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: I… think I’m going to make lunch now.
Tara Thornton: She hit me in the head with a vodka bottle!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! I can fix you up with some synergistic drug interactions.
Senator Closet Case: So I left the… you know… on the… in there… and call me when the… special thing… comes in.
Tara Thornton: Fuckin white people.
Sam Merlotte: You know what this town needs? A vampire slayer.
Thomas: What town doesn’t?
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Grandma! Do you think I should keep seeing Vampire Bill?
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Well, sex with a supe can be pretty great. Like how you can hear everyone’s thoughts because of that fairy I banged back in the ’50s.
Sookie Stackhouse: Wait, what?
Jason Stackhouse: Hi Lafayette! I need your help!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You damn right you do! Sultry eyes.
Jason Stackhouse: I need Viagra!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! I don’t carry anything legal. But if you’re interested in priapism, I’ve got some V laying around.
Jason Stackhouse: Thanks bro!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! That’s some expensive mojo.
Jason Stackhouse: Aw, can’t I just take my clothes off for you?
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You damn right you can!
Tara Thornton: Wibble.
Sookie Stackhouse: This seems like a great place to touch myself lay in the sun!
Sam Merlotte (on the phone): Hi Sookie! Dawn’s dead asleep! Can you go call the police wake her up?
Dawn Green’s Corpse: In retrospect, sleeping with Jason that vampire anyone was a mistake.
The Plot: Thickens.
Sam Merlotte: You know what this town needs? A vampire slayer.
Thomas: What town doesn’t?
*****************************
LOL! How true. They sure do have sex a lot on this show, don’t they? You capture it very well. The almost – well okay, actually – gratuitous sex scenes. But still entertaining. Bill is so cool..:)
Hi Eve :-) Yeah, Bill was pretty cool back in this season. And I’m hoping he’ll be cool again, now that he isn’t so laden down…
Memo to self: Do NOT read Thomas’s blog while at work. Co-workers look at you funny when you suddenly burst out laughing at your… spreadsheet! Yeah, that’s it…
LOL’d at the guest appearances of Little Sam and Little Jason. Honestly, Little Jason should get his own billing as a series regular. Jeebus, that boy #@%$s a lot.
Vampire Bill: Hey, did you know that I don’t have any brain waves?
Everyone That’s Seen Season Three: You got that right.
BWAH!! And sadly true.
Grandma Adele Stackhouse: Well, sex with a supe can be pretty great. Like how you can hear everyone’s thoughts because of that fairy I banged back in the ’50s.
Sookie Stackhouse: Wait, what?
Hee!
Great retrocap, Thomas. You’re hitting your stride with your True Blood voice.
I LOVE IT!! You are an absolutely hysterical genius. Thank you!
lol, loved the recap, Every town needs a Vampire Slayer……..Suddenly wondering if you could recap BTVS, lol
Adored your vampire Bill accent! Thank you for sharing your cutting whit and humour!
Hey Dayna :-)
Jason really was shameless in the first season, wasn’t he? The boy should be a walking poster child for the free clinic. Ugh.
It’s kind of fun being able to drop in references from the future lol
And yeah, I’m getting my voice back with these. I actually re-wrote a chunk of the first half… it was like my brain woke up and went “wait, these are supposed to be funny, gimme a second here…”
Thanks Michelle :-)
I love Buffy so much. Maybe I will do some recaps, when things slow down with TVD and TB.
Thanks Misty :-)
I second Michelle’s idea PLEASE do recaps of BTVS, that show was amazing. And it fits with your vampire recapping theme!
You are absolutely hilarious! I love your recaps. I reread them and still laugh even though I know the funny bit. I read these mostly at work (because I desperately need some good humor here) and I get so many funny looks but I really don’t care. I would fall out of my chair if you were to recap the rest of season 1 and do season 2–but most importantly I’d LOVE LOVE LOOOOOOOOVE to see your take on Buffy. That’d be so fantastic!!
Thanks Jenny and Brittany :-)
I do plan to finish TB Season One (once TVD takes wraps its season). Buffy is something I’m keeping in mind if I have a few months with no TB or TVD, but I’m not making any promises right now.