The Producers: All right folks, everyone have a nice break? Good. Because this is a very important episode.
The Writers: Do we finally get to explain how a fifteenth-century Bulgarian chick ended up playing a key role in an Aztec curse?
The Producers: …No. This episode is special because it’s Thomas’ birthday.
Ian Somerhalder: Wait, the same Thomas that writes those fiendishly clever recaps?
Nina Dobrev: Or the devilishly handsome blogger who lightheartedly points out of minor foibles?
Katerina Graham: Or the guy who cries out for my slow, painful demise every time I’m on screen?
The Producers: The very same! And since it’s his special day, we’re going to make this episode extra special for him…
Ian Somerhalder: I’ll go pick out a shirt to take off!
The Producers: No, you don’t… actually, yeah, that’s a good idea. Write that in. But no, we had something else in mind.
Nina Dobrev: I suppose Elena and Katherine could make out. I mean, that’s kind of a logistical problem, but I’m pretty flexible.
The Producers: No, we’re saving that for Sweeps. We were thinking…
Katerina Graham: Wibble.
The Producers: Relax, we’re still having that contest for Longest Running Annoying TV Personality, we can’t kill Bonnie off yet… Glenn Beck is still beating us.
The Writers: Actually…
The Producers: Anyway, there’s this one thing that still bugs Thomas about the show… and we need a new man-witch…
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Hi Aunt Jenna! You must be the girl that’s dating my husband!
Aunt Jenna: Hi Isobel! You must be the reason Alaric isn’t getting any ever again!
Elena Gilbert: Why am I always around for new developments in my history teacher’s sex life?
Stefan Salvatore: Really? No one told her about Isobel? I mean, literally everyone else in Mystic Falls knows about this stuff now. Half the high school drinks blood, the other half needs a flee dip when the moon gets to shiney, and the only restaurant within a hundred miles was just blown up by a guy doing his very best Carrie impersonation. Why are we still keeping Jenna in the dark?
Damon Salvatore: Eh, Alaric’s got the Clark Kent fantasy that he’s trying to work out.
Katherine Pierce: Hi guys! Just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page with the not giving me over to Klaus!
Damon Salvatore: …you forgot to lock the door again last night, didn’t you?
Stefan Salvatore: …Sorry.
Aunt Jenna: Hi guys! I’ve had some time to think about it, and I’ve decided that I’m totally okay with you lying to me about year not-really-dead mother and/or wife.
Alaric Saltzman and Elena Gilbert: :-D
Aunt Jenna: Just kidding. Eff you.
Alaric Saltzman and Elena Gilbert: D-:
Uncle John Gilbert: :-D
Alaric Saltzman: Super Alaric face punch powers activate!
Uncle John Gilbert: D^:
Elena Gilbert: Golf clap.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Stefan! I still can’t find Matt, and I’m worried that he- oh wait, I have to pimp the Ford Focus, I’ll call you back later!
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Hi guys! Uncle John invited me in, because that’s always a good idea. Anyway, we’ve got a problem… Klause knows about Elena and Katherine.
Elena Gilbert: God! Why does everyone know that I’m the Petrova Doppelganger?
Uncle John Gilbert: …in hindsight, it was probably a mistake to register ElenaGilbertIsThePetrovaDoppelganger.com. Totally my bad.
Jeremy Gilbert: Wow, everyone’s dead!
Damon Salvatore: I know, right? Self-high-five!
Bonnie Bennet: Hey! Don’t be disrespectful! We need to honor their memories by rifling through theirs things, stealing all of their ancient tomes, and casting a spell to suck the leftover energy out of every dead witch in Mystic Falls.
Damon Salvatore: Hold on, let me jot that down…
* Eyebrow exercises
* Practice witty comebacks
* Find a new hiding place for the moon rock (important!)
* Hide Stefan’s hair gel
* Refule flamethrower
* Harness dead witch power
Jeremy Gilbert: Wow, there sure are a lot of books here! I hope we don’t have to read through them all!
Bonnie Bennet: Don’t worry! I’m a witch! I have a card catalog in my brain!
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Hi Katherine! Would you like to betray the Salvatores and Elena in order to save your own ass?
Katherine Pierce: Boy would I! But can we do something about this lingering lesbian tension first?
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Sure! And nothing cuts through sexual tension like moon rocks, am I right?
Damon Salvatore: So I’ve been thinking… we need to do a better job of keeping Elena safe, and you know what the safest place in Mystic Falls is? My bedroom?
Stefan Salvatore: Dude, didn’t the last chick who slept in your bed get staked through the heart?
Damon Salvatore: …
Stefan Salvatore: By you?
Katherine Pierce: Hey guys, if you had to hide an immensly powerful magical artifact, where would you put it? Hypothetically?
Damon Salvatore: So… you really shouldn’t mistake the fact that I haven’t set you on fire in your sleep for trust.
Thomas: <3 Damon.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: So yeah, mysterious fire, bodies littering the ground, the usual.
Carol Lockwood: Vampires?
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Is it ever not vampires?
Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena Hi Stefan we live in Virginia Stefan and you really should lose the parka but anyway I’m sad because Matt is missing and I know he’s mad at me because he thinks I ate his sister which I totally didn’t but he wouldn’t believe me and Tyler left town so it’s not even like I have a rebound guy lined up!
Stefan Salvatore: Eh, maybe he’ll come around. I mean, Elena did. After I mind-whammied her.
Elena Gilbert: Wait, what?
Stefan Salvatore: Nothing! Innocent whistle.
Jeremy Gilbert: So, are you sure this is the right place?
Damon Salvatore: Yes, I’m sure the creepy ass mansion in the middle of the creepy ass woods in the right place.
Jeremy Gilbert: :-(
The Souls of Hundreds of Dead Witches: Hi Damon! Glue trap! Sun burn!
Damon Salvatore: So… I’m going to go play X-Box. Peace out.
Katherine Pierce: Let’s see… if I were the moon rock, where would I be?
Stefan Salvatore: Really? You think this is a good idea?
Damon Salvatore: Come on, it even looks like soap. She’ll never think to look for it in my bathroom!
Katherine Pierce: Yoink!
The Fiancee: There is now way he would own that much fruity soap.
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Hi Alaric! I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for outing you to your girlfriend!
Alaric Saltzman: Wait, you told her about those pictures I took of Damon?!?
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: …No, I meant about me not being dead. Anyway, I wanted you to know that I really loved you.
Alaric Saltzman: Aw, that’s-
The New Warlock in Town: Super Albino Wiccan mind scrambling powers activate!
Alaric Saltzman: -Painful.
Bonnie Bennet: Okay, I’m ready. Boy, I sure hope this ominous whispering isn’t a bad omen…
Carol Lockwood: And here to accept this donation to the Elena Gilbert’s Mother Foundation is-
Katherine Pierce: Hi Elena! It’s time for your weekly kidnapping!
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Hi Uncle John Gilbert! Fangs! Neck rip! Stair toss!
Carol Lockwood: …I just had that hallway cleaned.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! I should get you out of here!
Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: Oh thank heavens you’re here!
Thomas: Elena needs a secret tattoo.
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire knowing this isn’t really my girlfriend powers activate!
Katherine Pierce: Super vampire stabbing my idiot ex-boyfriend with an anti-vampire-pot needle powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: Oh God! It’s terrible! I can’t take it!
Jeremy Gilbert: Bonnie! What’s wrong!
Bonnie Bennet: They’re making me relive that terrible Ford Focus commercial I was just in!
Carol Lockwood: That’s right folks, false alarm, nothing to see, especially not the large pool of blood, filter out calmly.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Uncle John Gilbert is dead!
Damon Salvatore: He’ll get better. It’s a thing.
Matt Donovan: Hi Sheriff Forbes! So about your vampire daughter eating my sister…
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: …dammit.
Damon Salvatore: Well, I guess this is as good a place as any to dump Uncle John Gilbert’s temporary corpse. Oh, my, I seem to have gotten blood on my shirt. Well, I guess I’ll just have to… fanservice!
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Squee!
Damon Salvatore: And then wash my hands with one of these… fancy… soaps… God. Damn. It. Facepalm.
Katherine Pierce: Okay, I got the moon rock. Where’s my magic twin?
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Yeah, so about that…
The New Warlock in Town: Super Albino Wiccan mind scrambling powers activate! Again!
Caroline Forbes (on the Phone): Hi Matt! I know you’re mad, but you’re also… standing in my living room. I guess I’lll hang up now. So what’s up?
Matt Donovan: Oh, you know, I accused your mother of covering up my sister’s murder, assaulted a law enforcement officer, and got grounded at her place. What’s new with you?
Jeremy Gilbert: So how powerful are you now?
Bonnie Bennet: Watch this! Lame ass wiccan weather powers activate!
Halle Berry: I did that first.
Damon Salvatore: Look, I’m telling you, this is the nicest foreclosure in town. If they’re not here, I’ll.
Stefan Salvatore: …
Damon Salvatore: …look somewhere else.
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Thanks for coming with me Elena! I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for everything.
Elena Gilbert: Yeah, that’s great. So what’s Klaus’ big plan this week?
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Oh, he wants the moon rock and Katherine. Totally nothing to do with you.
Elena Gilbert: Then why did you guys kidnap me again?!?
Isobel Flemming-Saltzman: Just for the hell of it, really. We get a kick out of it. Anyway, I’m all Anne Rice-ey now, and tired of this endless immortal life of, oh, eighteen years or so, so… super vampire ripping off my Magic Necklace of Not Exploding in the Sunlight and blowing up like a firecracker powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: There is not enough therapy in the world for what I have been through in the last three months.
Caroline Forbes: And that’s the entire story: everyone that’s a vampire in Mystic Falls, all of the werewolves, all of the wiccans, the Lame Ass Curse, everything.
Matt Donovan: Great! Can you make me forget all of that now? Fingers crossed.
Stefan Salvatore: Sorry about your mother dying again, babe. But we got you a present!
Damon Salvatore: The deed to the Castle! Sign this, and the place is yours, meaning no vampires can get in without your permission!
Thomas: Join us next week for a thrilling episode of Vampire Property Lawyer!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Guys! I’m…
Damon Salvatore: Strangle!
Uncle John Gilbert: Dying again!
Jeremy Gilbert: That’s funny… this magic book says that the spell that can kill Klaus is so strong that it’ll kill you, too…
Matt Donovan: Hi Sheriff Forbes! You’re right, that anti-vampire pot sure is tasty! On a completely unrelated note, I have a really funny story for you…
Elena Gilbert: Hi Uncle Daddy John Gilbert! I know that you’ve caused nothing but pain and misery for everyone in my family, but I’m going to forgive you again! Because I’m smart like that!
The New Warlock in Town: Mumble mumble vaguely Latin!
Katherine Pierce: Um, why are you mumbling over Alaric?
Alaric Saltzman Klaus: Hi Katherine!
The Plot: Thickens.