Damon Salvatore (in the Mirror): So, Bonnie’s really good eulogy. Let’s see: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today, to
celebrate mourn the loss of that bitch our friend Bonnie, who was pretty much useless a very powerful witch, and who always put the plot other before herself. And she was… fuck, I don’t know, really pretty, and not at all annoying, and we’re really sad to see her go. Whisky.
Wolf Mode Tyler: Grr! Arf! Woof! (Which is to say: “I’m going to hump your leg. After I tear it off.”)
Caroline Forbes: This sucks!
Matt Donovan: Don’t worry! I have bullets! Bang.
Caroline Forbes: Hey! Why did you shoot
my new boyfriend Tyler?
Matt Donovan: …
Caroline Forbes: Oh, whatever. Super vampire ripping your arm out of its socket when I drag you through the woods at roughly the speed of sound because I don’t understand the basics of human anatomy or physics powers activate!
Katherine Pierce: So, that’s a werewolf bite, huh? It doesn’t look too bad, as far as festering sores go.
Damon Salvatore: That’s funny, I was thinking the same thing, except I was gonna say “you don’t look too bad, as far as traitorous, backstabbing whores go.”
Katherine Pierce: So what are you going to do now?
Damon Salvatore: If I play my cards right? An entire sorority house. Later!
Aunt Jenna: Why is my head all fluffy?
Elena Gilbert: You remember how I told you people become vampires?
Aunt Jenna: Yeah?
Elena Gilbert: …
Aunt Jenna: Oh.
Elena Gilbert: But it’s okay! Just don’t drink any blood, and Klaus won’t be able to
Greta the Teenage Witch: Wrist-cut!
Aunt Jenna: Nom nom nom!
Elena Gilbert: Nevermind.
Jeremy Gilbert:So, any luck finding a spell to keep Elena from becoming a vampire?
Bonnie Bennet: No, but my horoscope in Seventeenis awesome this month!
Elijah: So the curse has to be broken in stages. First the werewolf gets sacrificed, because no one cares about Jules. Then the vampire, so we can stretch out the “are they reallygoing to kill Jenna” drama. Then the doppelganger technically has to die, but everyone knows Elena is going to make it through. That’s when Bonnie needs to make a funny face and pretend to be useful.
Stefan Salvatore: And we’re sure Bonnie will make it through this alive? Because it’s super important that Bonnie makes it through this alive. I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to Bonnie. Also: Bonnie.
Alaric Saltzman: Wait, which one of my students are you sleeping with?
Damon Salvatore (on the Phone): Hi Stefan! Just wanted to let you know that Klaus turned Jenna into a vampire, and he’s planning on ripping out her heart in the next forty-five minutes or so.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh no! Not another girl I care about more than my supposed soul-mate!
Alaric Saltzman: …I’m not going to like this news, am I?
Elena Gilbert: So… how ya feeling?
Aunt Jenna: Surprisingly normal. Except everything is more vivid, and I feel kind of dead and emotionless inside, and I really want to rip out everybody’s throat and gorge myself on the delicious, frothy ichor.
Elena Gilbert: …and suddenly I’m very happy that Greta put us all inside Magic Circles of Not Going Anywhere.
Jules: GWWWAAAAAHHHHHH WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK?
Greta the Teenage Witch: Well, the SPCA won’t let us rip the heart out of a wolf on-air, so I magicked up your transformation to take a few hours. Have fun with that!
Elena Gilbert: Aren’t you supposed to be all “balance of nature” or some crap?
Greta the Teenage Witch: Well, yeah, but Klaus is reallygood in bed.
Klaus: Hi guys!
Greta the Teenage Witch: So, moonrock?
The Fiancee: Don’t get too close to the fire. It’ll melt.
Caroline Forbes: So, you don’t seem particularly surprised about this whole “vampire” thing…
Matt Donovan: Oh, yeah, your mom gave me anti-vampire pot and told me to fake amnesia so I could spy on you. It’s like a soap opera!
Caroline Forbes: My mom?!?
Matt Donovan: Oh, yeah. She hates
black people vampires. Grew up hating black people vampires, probably always gonna hate black people vampires.
Caroline Forbes: …and what about you?
Matt Donovan: The fact that my gun is full of wooden bullets? Not a coincidence.
Caroline Forbes: Pout.
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Damon! Seen Elena lately?
Damon Salvatore: Not since I fed her my blood and Stefan turned her over to Klaus.
Uncle John Gilbert: You what her your huh and Stefan did which?!? I thought your entire plan was to protect Elena!
Damon Salvatore: Dude, don’t even talk to me about shitty plans. I have been having that argument all. Day. Long.
Jules: Hi Elena! We haven’t met, but I’m-
Klaus: Super vampire heart ripping powers activate!
Jeremy Gilbert:Hey, this looks interesting! Emily Bennet wrote about a “resuscitation spell”…
Bonnie Bennet: Yeah, I saw that, but I have no idea what it does.
Thomas: …oh come on. The goddamn nameis “resuscitation spell”.
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Jeremy! So wacky story…
Bonnie Bennet: Oh no! Not Aunt Jenna! We have to save her!
Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, Bonnie. Let me break this down for you:
- Sheriff Forbes
- Uncle John Gilbert
- Anyone without a last name
- All of the extras
- Bonnie Bennet
Klaus: Look, the blood is boiling! Does that mean the spell’s working?
Greta the Teenage Witch: Well, it probably means your dribbling it into a giant fire, but let’s take it as a positive sign anyway.
Aunt Jenna: I feel really bad about all of this!
Elena Gilbert: I feel even worse about all of this!
Aunt Jenna and Elena Gilbert: Guilt party!
Matt Donovan: So do you think I killed Tyler?
Caroline Forbes: No, it takes a lot more than a wooden bullet to kill a werewolf. He’s probably out there, right now. Scared. Naked. Alone. Naked. Hurt. Naked.
Matt Donovan: …
Tyler Lockwood: Hi guys!
Caroline Forbes: Matt, quick! Give my your jacket, so that I can cover his unmentionables!
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Pout.
Matt Donovan: I am never wearing that jacket again.
Elijah: Okay, Bonnie did the locator spell thingie, so you’re all set to sacrifice any number of characters that aren’t her.
Stefan Salvatore: Great! Hey, it suddenly occurs to me… can I trust you?
Elijah: …yes. </fingers-crossed>
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi guys! I brought a big box of Deus Ex Machinas over!
Alaric Saltzman: …and then Stefan went off to get himself sacrificed.
Damon Salvatore: Can someone explain to me why in the nine fires of hell we aren’t just letting Bonnie kill Klaus? Jesus. What is this, life fifteen people that are trying to die to protect her? Why am I the only one that realizes Bonnie needs to die?
Thomas: Feels your pain.
Klaus: Okay! One werewolf sacrificed, one vampire to go!
Aunt Jenna: Wibble.
Stefan Salvatore: Klaus! I’m here to kick your ass and save my friends!
The Writers: whisper whisper.
Stefan Salvatore: Really? Okay, I guess. Here, you might as well hold onto my testicles, since I won’t be using them. Anyway, what I meant to say was “Klaus, I’m here to kiss your ass a little, in the hopes that you’ll let me (and possibly the girl I love) die instead of Jenna.”
Uncle John Gilbert: Hey! I found this neat spell that will allow a parent to die in order to save their child’s life. Does anyone know who Elena’s biological parent is? Anyone? Anyone?
Stefan Salvatore: So yeah, go ahead and kill me, instead of Jenna.
Klaus: Oh, I don’t know. I like the idea of three goddesses dying for me…
Vegtrix: Three goddesses? Klaus is Charlie Sheen now?
The Fiancee: Wow, that’s not… creepy-rapist-guy at all.
Elena Gilbert: So, what are they talking about up there?
Aunt Jenna: …um… nothin’.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Matt! I’ve decided that this is a great time to have a DTR talk!
Matt Donovan: That’s great! Because I was thinking about how much my life sucks, and I figured this would be a great time to make it suck even worse by breaking up with my super-hot girlfriend! Super idiot self-cock blocking powers activate!
Caroline Forbes: Pout.
Bonnie Bennet: Okay, Uncle Daddy John Gilbert is all set to die instead of Elena, so let’s go fuck up killing Klaus!
Jeremy Gilbert:Let’s do this!
Bonnie Bennet: Super wiccan kiss roofies powers activate!
Alaric Saltzman: Yeah, that’s probably for the best. I mean, he’s just a kid. Anyway-
Bonnie Bennet: Super wiccan sealing Alaric into the Mystic Falls Home For Immolated Wiccans powers activate!
Alaric Saltzman: Um, Bonnie?
Bonnie Bennet: Sorry Alaric, but I don’t see how having a highly-trained, experienced vampire hunter with an incredibly powerful arsenal of home-made weaponry along can possibly help us rescue that vampire-hunter’s about-to-be-murdered girlfriend. Also, I really don’t want you to have the chance to say goodbye to Jenna. See you tomorrow!
Thomas: Seriously wants this self-righteous, self-important, autocratic, hypocritical bitch to die in the most painful way possible. Twice.
Klaus: So Elena, do you want to pick which vampire I sacrifice?
Elena Gilbert: No! I-
Klaus: Good, because I have other plans for Stefan. Including Stake-not-quite-through-the-heart! and Neck-snap!
Aunt Jenna: Super vampire eating Greta the teenage witch powers activate!
Klaus: Um, yeah, about that… Super vampire heart ripping powers activate!
Aunt Jenna: Dies.
Thomas: Well, I’m glad all those #SaveJenna tweets worked out so well.
Klaus: So, who wants to eat a doppelganger?
Stefan Salvatore: This is it! This is our last chance! If I can just muster up the strength… reach deep down inside… give it everything I have… I can… collapse on the ground in a broken heap. Shit.
Klaus: Thanks for all your help, Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Fuck you, Klaus!
The Producers: Super slo-mo Elena is dying but there’s gentle music and soft lighting and it’s all kind of peaceful powers activate!
The Fiancee: Wow, he “drained all of her blood to the point of death” really quickly.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh no! I never saw any of this coming!
Klaus: Fangs! Fur! More fangs! Super werepire powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: Supper wiccan throwing just enough power at Klaus to not inconvenience myself powers activate!
Greta the Teenage Witch: Oh yeah? Well I-
Damon Salvatore: Super Damon neck snapping powers activate!
Greta the Teenage Witch: am dead.
Elijah: Hi Klaus! Super vampire heart ripping-
Klaus: Our family is still alive and I can show you where their bodies are hidden!
Elijah: …Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Elijah and Klaus: Run away!
All of Twitter: Oh. For. Fuck’s. Sake. #tvd
Damon Salvatore: See?!? I told you you couldn’t trust him!
Thomas: See?!? I told you you couldn’t trust him!
Damon Salvatore and Thomas: Consoling man-hug.
Jeremy Gilbert:Hey, you know that that spell you had Bonnie do to save Elena is going to kill you, right?
Uncle John Gilbert: Yeah, but it’s cool. Bonnie’s still alive, so it’s not like anyone important is going to die.
Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! Your fantastic plan resulted in the death of Jules and Jenna, and Stefan has a fist-sized hole where his back used to be. Also, I have no idea if Elena is going to-
Uncle John Gilbert: Dies.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, so Elena is all right. Oh, and Elijah betrayed us, and ran off with Klaus, who is now an all-powerful werepire. But to answer the question on everybody’s mind, yes, Bonnie is safe. Good job everyone! assholes.
Tyler Lockwood: Is mostly naked.
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Squee!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Tyler! Matt broke up with me!
Tyler Lockwood: Yes! Woo hoo! Party time! Who let the dog out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Victory lap.
Caroline Forbes: …
Tyler Lockwood: I mean, I’m very sorry, and I will be here for you in your time of sorrow. in your pants.
Jeremy Gilbert:Hi Elena! Uncle John wanted me to give you Alaric’s ring. I think that’s supposed to make up for seventeen years of being a douchebag.
The Entire Remaining Population of Mystic Falls (All Seven of Them): Turns out for Jenna’s funeral.
Uncle John Gilbert (via Hand Written Letter): Dear Elena, Sorry I’ve been such an asshole your entire life. Here’s my Magic Ring of Not Dying. I know it won’t work for you, because that would be too useful, but you can give it to your child some day. Which means that yes, I’ve been thinking about you having sex. Love, Uncle Daddy John Gilbert
Damon Salvatore: So, on top of all of this, I’d really like to thank you all for putting me in a position to get bitten by a werewolf. I’m really looking forward to living out my last forty-eight hours in an anguished, frothing fever dream. You guys are the best. Really. assholes.
The Plot: Thickens.