@iansomerhalder: Poor Damon…
Retweeted by @MrsSalvatore22 and 1,634,749 others
@FangBanger101: Oh no! #DontDieDamon RT @iansomerhalder Poor Damon…
@VampiresFTW: Poor Damon… #savedamon #asilaydying #tvd finale
@Sexyhalder69: We have to save Poor Damon!
@ih8weres: I can’t believe what Tyler did to Poor Damon!
Thirty-two million tweets later…
Damon Salvatore: Wait, you think I’m going to die? Ian’s just sorry that I’m surrounded by idiots.
Elena Gilbert: I miss Aunt Jenna! Weep!
Damon Salvatore: Don’t worry, it gets easier. But you know that already. Because so many of your parents have died.
Elena Gilbert: …
Damon Salvatore: Anyway, I dropped by to beg your forgiveness. Forcing my… blood… down your throat was a dick move.
Elena Gilbert: I don’t know, Damon… it might take a while for me to get over that.
Damon Salvatore: How does twenty-four hours sound?
Damon Salvatore: Well, there’s really only one solution for this werewolf bite… whisky, and self-immolation. Whisky! Ring toss! Burn!
Stefan Salvatore: Damon, no! You can’t kill yourself!
Damon Salvatore: Right, because I want to spend the next couple of days hallucinating and in torturous pain.
Stefan Salvatore: It’s okay, I have a plan!
Damon Salvatore: …I am so screwed.
Klaus: Whoooo! Being an immortal murder machine rules!
Elijah: That’s nice. Could you put some pants on?
Klaus: Whoooo! Being able to change into a werepire at will is awesome!
Elijah: That’s great. So, about my family? And, could you put some pants on?
Klaus: Lighten up! I’m still celebrating being completely unkillable, even by you!
Elijah: …This is going to bite me in the ass, isn’t it? And speaking of ass, could you please put on some pants?
Alaric Saltzman: Hey, could you pour a shot of whisky? Because if you keep one shot, they can’t say I drank an entire bottle! Clang!
Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Hi Alaric! I need help!
Alaric Saltzman: I’m sorry, you must have me confused with someone who’s allowed to help. You know, as opposed to being locked into a civil-war-era wiccan crematorium. By one of your history students. While your girlfriend gets murdered.
Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): So… still angry about that, huh? Well what if I told you you could get revenge on Klaus?
Alaric Saltzman: I’m in!
Stefan Salvatore (on the phone): Great! But instead of “Klaus”, it’s “Damon”, and instead of “revenge”, it’s “saving him from were-rabies”.
Alaric Saltzman: …I hate everyone.
Jeremy Gilbert:Are we seriously going to another crappy Mystic Falls event?
Elena Gilbert: Of course we are! If we let on that something’s wrong, they might find out we have no adult supervision, and make us live with someone who will actually send us to school!
Caroline Forbes: We’re like Scarlet O’Hara! Except instead of Atlanta burning, it’s just whatever gets too close to Bonnie’s brain, and instead of a roguish Southern gentleman you have roguish Southern vampires, and instead of the Union Army we have to fight a clan of unkillable monsters!
Caroline Forbes: And there’s food!
Jeremy Gilbert: Now you’re talking! What do we have to eat?
Caroline Forbes: Bunnies!
Everyone Else: …
Caroline Forbes: …I brought corn chips, too.
The Fiancee: Where do they get these costumes? Do they just have hoop skirts laying around? Because it’s hard to find hoop skirts. I’ve tried.
Bonnie Bennet: Dear hundred dead witches: Please help our bestest friend Damon from dying from were-rabies. Hugs and kisses, me. (Except she said it all Latin-ey.)
Emily Bennet: We’re thinking… no. Super wiccan brain frying powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: Well that sucked. But one of the dead witches whispered something!
Stefan Salvatore: What?
Bonnie Bennet: She said my ass looks great in these jeans! Oh, and something about Klaus.
Thomas: I told you so! Eat Klaus! Eat him eat him eat him!
Carol Lockwood:So Elizabeth… about all the vampires wandering around town. And werewolves. And witches.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Don’t worry, I totes got this under control.
Carol Lockwood:Really? Because the shockingly high mortality rate of the Senior Class would suggest otherwise.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Just wanted to let you know that Tyler gave Damon were-rabies. And I brought popcorn!
Elena Gilbert: Oh no! Popcorn isn’t on my diet!
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, and Bonnie says that Damon will be fine. As long as I can beat up Klaus.
Elena Gilbert: What about Klaus?!?
Stefan Salvatore: No, I said… “clean the house.” I want to help you clean the house. Because you’re all alone. Because Jenna died.
Elena Gilbert: …Thanks?
Katherine Pierce: Damon Salvatore! It’s rude to watch a woman in a sate of undress! Tee hee!
Elena Gilbert: Damon! She doesn’t love you! Walk away!
Katherine Pierce: Oh, ignore her and undo my corset.
Damon Salvatore: …Well at least were-rabies isn’t all bad.
Katherine Pierce: Stefan! Why the hell am I still stuck in this craphole?
Stefan Salvatore: Well, it’s a long story, but a bunch of people died, Damon has were-rabies, and it turns out Elena’s plan failed in a completely unforeseeable manner.
Klaus: Hi guys!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Klaus! Since my last attempt to talk to you like an honorable man went so well, I figured I’d drop by and try it again!
Klaus: Yeah yeah yeah, I’ll get to you in a minute. First, I have to honor Elijah’s request to be reunited with his dead family.
Stefan Salvatore: “Reunited with his dead family”? That’s an odd, legalistic way to phrase things…
Klaus: Super werepire stabbing my idiot brother in the heart with the Magic Dagger of Why Do We Call it Killing Them When They’re Only Kind of Asleep powers activate!
Elijah: Dies. For the fourth time.
Klaus: So, Stefan… what can I do for you? I mean, besides stab you with this wooden stick.
Stefan Salvatore: Just… bleed… give me the cure… twitch… and I’ll do… convulse… whatever you want… exsanguinate.
Klaus: Really? You mean I’d get to have a mostly useless goodey-two-shoes of my very own? How could I say ‘no’?
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Damon! I brought you your two favorite things!
Damon Salvatore: College girls and… more college girls?
Alaric Saltzman: Blood and whisky!
Damon Salvatore: You’re the only person that loves me. Which is weird, since I pretty much got your girlfriend killed.
Alaric Saltzman: Nah, that was Bonnie.
Damon Salvatore: Also, I kinda turned your wife into a vampire.
Alaric Saltzman: Nice try. Stefan warned me about your recent suicidal tendencies.
Damon Salvatore: Goddammit.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hi Elena! I’m here to prove to the Mayor
‘s wife that I’m not a complete screw up!
Alaric Saltzman: Let’s see… O-negative, O-negative, where’s the O-negative?
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hi Alaric! I’m here for Damon! Doorslam!
Alaric Saltzman: …Why am I always getting locked into rooms?
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Hi Damon! I’m here for… Damon?
Damon Salvatore: Hi Liz! Super vampire throwing the Sheriff into the wall super hard powers activate!
Alaric Saltzman: Seriously, can someone let me out? Anyone? Hello?
Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): Hi guys! Damon’s on the lose. And kinda crazy. Just thought you might want to know.
Bonnie Bennet: Don’t worry, everyone! I got this!
Jeremy Gilbert:The same way you “got” Jenna?
Bonnie Bennet: …
Jeremy Gilbert:Who is now dead?
Bonnie Bennet: Pout.
Klaus: So, I’ve heard all kinds of rumors about what a badass you used to be…
Stefan Salvatore: Totally made up. I couldn’t be interesting if I tried.
Klaus: Super werepire biting Katherine powers activate!
Katherine Pierce: Have I mentioned how much I hate not being the Big Bad anymore? Because I really hate not being the Big Bad anymore.
Klaus: Also: Super werepire healing Katherine with my werepire blood powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: That was sweet! Do it again!
Damon Salvatore: Wow were-rabies sucks. I sure hope nothing happens to add to my confusion.
A Cute Young Girl: We need to decide on costumes for Mystic Falls Movie Night!
Another Cute Young Girl: I know, let’s wear Civil War costumes!
A Cute Young Girl: That’s a great idea! I saw a bunch of great pictures the last time we were all at the Salvatore mansion!
Another Cute Young Girl: Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: I hate everything about everyone.
Elena Gilbert: So… you might just want to let me out of here to talk Damon out of eating the entire town.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Sorry Elena, but you’re known to consort with
black people vampires, and I just can’t trust someone with such poor judgement. Deputy, keep an eye on her.
Joey the African American Deputy: Well this is awkward.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Ah ha! I’ve caught you! And now I will use my knowledge of vampire lore to launch a useless attack! Bang.
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire getting out of the way of the bullet powers activate!
Jeremy Gilbert: …Shit. Thump.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Is officially the worst public servant in the entire world.
Caroline ForbesMaybe my blood can cure him!
The Fiancee: Vampire Jeremy! Vampire Jeremy! Yay yay yay!
Elena Gilbert: I need to get out of here, but I can’t let the Deputy know I’ve escaped? What ever shall I do? Wait, I know! Super elena throwing the chair through the window powers activate!
Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys, I… wait, what? Another dead Gilbert? Jesus, are you trying to kill the entire family?
Bonnie Bennet: It’s okay! I’m a witch! I can fix him with my brain!
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: You can’t move him! This is a crime scene!
Caroline Forbes: …You are officially not allowed to have an opinion about this.
Klaus: So, I’m thinking we should take a road trip…
The Fiancee: Do it! Do it! Then we’ll be Stefan-free for an entire season! Stefan free is the way to be!
Klaus: Anyway, I’ll give you Damon’s cure if you’ll drink some human blood with me.
Stefan Salvatore: Polite sip.
The Fiancee: It’s another vampire Capri Sun!
Klaus: Come on, chug, you pussy!
Stefan Salvatore: Clang!
The Fiancee: A vampire Capri Sun of evil!
Stefan Salvatore: Blood-gluttony!
The Fiancee: I fucking love cherry!
Bonnie Bennet: So, the witches say there will be consequences for bringing Jeremy back…
Alaric Saltzman: So, Alaric says “shut the hell up” and “save the goddamn kid”.
Bonnie Bennet: Super wiccan nosebleed powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Katherine!
Elena Gilbert: …poop.
Damon Salvatore: Why are you always running from me?
Katherine Pierce / Elena Gilbert: Because I know you’ll always chase me! Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: Fangs!
Elena Gilbert: Every time I hang out with this guy, someone’s bodily fluids are going down someone else’s throat. There’s got to be something wrong about this.
Caroline Forbes: So Bonnie called. Jeremy’s all right.
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: Oh thank god someone cleaned up my terrible mistake!
Caroline Forbes: …yeah, cleaning up terrible mistakes is pretty much a full time job for us. So, about you thinking I’m a demon-spawned hell beast?
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: …
Caroline Forbes: Super Barbiepire pouty eyes powers activate!
Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes: …oh… all right then. Hugs.
Caroline Forbes: Is adorable.
Jeremy Gilbert (via Skype):Hey Bonnie! Thanks for bringing me back from the dead!
Bonnie Bennet (via Skype): No problem, Jeremy! You can thank me tomorrow! With sex!
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Jeremy! Is it okay if I crash here tonight? Because it’s either this or the bus station. You know, since Klaus still has my apartment and all.
Jeremy Gilbert:Sure man. And thanks for everything.
Alaric Saltzman: No problem, you can thank me tomorrow.
Alaric Saltzman: No sex.
Jeremy Gilbert: Oh thank god.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! It’s all right, I’m right here.
Damon Salvatore: Let’s see… fevered visions, gut-wrenching pain, a fatal infection, and if there’s anything resembling a just god in this universe, I’m going straight to hell when I die. No, I’m going to go ahead and say this is not “all right”. So why don’t you take off?
Elena Gilbert: Or, I could get into bed with you! Tee hee!
Team Dalena: Begins to quiver.
Damon Salvatore: Also, I’ve been thinking… none of this is really Stefan’s fault. Or Katherine’s. It was really my own choices that led me to this place. </character-growth><redemption-arc>
Klaus: So, how’s that human blood working for you?
Stefan Salvatore: Ha! Little do you know that I’ve spent the last several
years days building up an immunity to human blood! months
Stefan Salvatore: Nope. Totally evil again. Om nom nom tasty human blood nom.
Klaus: Sweet! Katherine, could you take this to Dam-
Katherine Pierce: Super vampire getting the eff out of here powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: So, I’ve reached the “acceptance” stage of this little grief. My only regret is hurting you, Elena, but I’m glad that we met.
Elena Gilbert: Aw, that’s the sweetest thing any vampire has said to me in minutes! Chaste kiss!
Team Dalena: Fucking explodes.
Katherine Pierce: Hi guys! Don’t worry, crisis is over, Damon’s going to be all right. Oh, and Stefan’s out on a bender at the local sorority. Have fun sleeping with Damon. I know I did.
Klaus: I really can’t believe Elijah fell for the old “pretend you’re going to resurrect your slightly dead family but really stab your brother in the heart with a magic dagger instead” trick! Anyway, Stefan, would you like to murder this innocent young girl?
Stefan Salvatore: Boy would I! Fangs!
Thomas: Checks his house to see if the writers have it bugged.
The Plot: Thickens.
Jeremy Gilbert:I wonder if there’s anything to eat in this place…
Vicki Donovan: Hi Jeremy!
Anna: Hi Jeremy!
Jeremy Gilbert:…I see dead people!
The Plot: Thickens. Again.