Eric Northman: Why do you smell so…
Sookie Stackhouse: You know perfectly well why I smell… like I do.
Thomas: Resists the urge to make a Summer’s Eve joke.
Eric Northman: So… I would very much like to have you for dinner.
Sookie Stackhouse: And I would very much like to break your nose.
Eric Northman: Your resistance to having your throat torn open saddens me. As does my newfound case of amnesia.
Sookie Stackhouse: Goddamn vampires. Okay, what’s the last thing you remember?
Eric Northman: Crazy bitch with weird eyes, a pall of darkness falling over my life, losing all sense of self, purpose, and joy… and then I left your house and got mind raped by a witch.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well I guess I can help you get your memories back. But! There are some very important rules. One, there will be no winking. Two, there will be no nudging. Three, there will be no fanging. Four, I am contractually obligated to wink, nudge, and fang at least every third episode, so all of these rules will go flying out the window really soon.
Eric Northman: :-)=
Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hi Marnie! You’re not dead!
Marnie Stonebrook: Hi Jesus! I don’t remember what happened!
Tara Thornton: Hi Lafayette! Thanks for bringing me to Vampire Gang Bang night!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Can we all sit down and address the fact that Eric Fucking Northman is both pissed off at us and powerful enough to murder us thirteen times before the first body hits the floor?
Marnie Stonebrook: I’m not going to let him take away our constitutional right to practice our religion!
Jesus the Gay Nurse: That’s the spirit! Now what did you do to drive him away?
Marnie Stonebrook: I have no idea!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! We are all fucked as the head cheerleader at homecoming.
King Billybob the Redneck: Once upon a time, long before the modern age, mankind was intimately linked to the natural world, and to the animal spirits all around us. But then one day, sky people came and seduced man, and taught him to forsake nature. But there were two people, Ghost Daddy and Ghost Mommy, who didn’t want to leave nature, and so they prayed to the Great Panther Spirit, and asked him to intervene.
Crystal Norris: And do you know what the Great Panther Spirit did?
Tombo: They kidnapped a local police officer, drugged the shit out of him, infected him with were-rabies, and raped him until he fathered an entire new generation of shapeshifters?
Crystal Norris: That’s right!
Jason Stackhouse: I am still not a fan of this plotline.
Vinney the Vampire Vance: Om nom nom tasty willing waitress nom!
Bubba Joe: Quick, bust out the video camera!
Billy Jean: Hi guys! :-D
Bubba Joe: psst your supposed to be afraid.
Billy Jean: Oh right! I mean, aieeee!
Vinney the Vampire Vance: …yeah, screw this. Super vampire super speeding away powers activate!
Bubba Joe: See! Vampires are killers. To learn more, go to vamps-kill.com. And make sure to like us on Facebook!
Vampire Bill: So… you’re kind of a fucking idiot, aren’t you? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Vinney the Vampire: Yeah, totally my bad, bro.
Vampire Bill: Okay, so we’re all agreed. You’ll be executed, and I’ll go fang my secretary. Later! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Vinney the Vampire: Wait, what?
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Bill!
Vampire Bill: hi Jessica!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: I just ate a guy at Fangtasia!
Vampire Bill: Jesus I really hate my life right now. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: So what should I do?
Vampire Bill: Tell him the truth. And then mind-whammy this shit out of him. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Eric! You can totally come into my house, which you do not own, and which I can throw you out of at any time! Tee hee!
Eric Northman: You use English funny.
Some Random Guy: Oh yeah baby, bite that neck, oh, oh, oh.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: …You can either be more convincing, be quiet, or be murdered. Pick one.
Sookie Stackhouse (on the Phone): Hi Pam! Eric’s here, and he may or may not have been lobotomized by witches! Just thought you should know!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: …shit.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Sookie! So it’s all agreed, you’ll hide Eric for an indefinite amount of time while I murder my way to an answer. Great!
Sookie Stackhouse: Or, I could just drop him off at Bill’s.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: I. Will. Cut. A. Bitch.
Eric Northman: Super Eric throwing anyone that threatens Sookie across the room, even if it’s Pam, who is awesome, and even though it’s Sookie, who is not, powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: What I mean to say was, dearest Sookie, pretty please with sugar on top, look after Eric, and don’t turn him over to Bill, how has already tried to murder him.
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s because Eric fanged me!
Eric Northman: I did? :-)=
Sookie Stackhouse: Against my will!
Eric Northman: Oh, sorry. :-(=
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jessica! Why is this creepy ass voodoo doll back here?
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Hoyt! So I might have accidentally had fang with another guy tonight.
Hoyt Fortenberry: I’m angry!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>
Hoyt Fortenberry: I’m happy!
Sookie Stackhouse: And here’s your cubby hole…
Eric Northman: This house really is mine!
Sookie Stackhouse: Yep!
Eric Northman: Are you mine?
Sookie Stackhouse: Nope!
Eric Northman: You belong to another vampire? :-(=
Sookie Stackhouse: Nope!
Eric Northman: :-)= Would you like to be mine?
Sookie Stackhouse: Nope!
Eric Northman: :-(=
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! So I’ve got a plan… we go to Fangtasia, throw our asses on the ground, beg for forgiveness, and throw him a Marnie-shaped bone.
Tara Thornton: Your plan sucks!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! And you need to go have hot lesbian sex with your hot lesbian girlfriend.
Jesus the Gay Nurse: …That part of the plan makes sense.
Jason Stackhouse’s Phone: Hi Jason! A fast rescue is close at hand! Yet still frustratingly out of reach!
Andy Bellefleur: Hi Jason’s phone! I’m angry you’re not at work! Also: I’m seven kinds of hooked on V! Call me!
Sam Merlotte: Andy? What’s up?
Andy Bellefleur: Fuck you Sam! I am not on drugs! Take in your damn trash! And mow your damn lawn! And cut your damn hair! Gunpull!
Sam Merlotte: We… are going to have a conversation about this, in the very near future.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Alcide!
Alcide Herveaux: Hi Sookie! Even though you’ve brought me nothing but pain, stress, and life-threatening danger, I’m happy to see you!
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s great, because I need a favor! Can you take care of Eric Northman for me?
Alcide Herveaux: Sure, lemme go get my stake collection…
Sookie Stackhouse: No, I mean let him move into your house, and sleep in your basement, and maybe snack on you from time to time.
Alcide Herveaux: …You really are a terrible person, aren’t you?
Debbie Van Pelt: Speaking of terrible people that Alcide wants to sleep with, Alcide and me are back together! Praise Jesus! Twelve steps! Work it until it works!
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I’m going to go see if I can ruin anyone’s life back in Bon Temps. See you later!
Maxine Fortenberry: Look at these creepy ass dolls they’re selling on QVC, Tommy! I wonder if my fascination with creepy ass dolls has anything to do with the creep ass doll that keeps showing up at Hoyt and Jessica’s?
Sams Brother Tommy: Beats me! I’m too busy trying to screw you out of money! Because I’m a shit!
Paul the Natural Gas Investor: Well I can certainly help with that!
Maxine Fortenberry: I love creepy ass dolls!
Crystal Norris: Hi Jason! I’ve got some medicine that will help you… rise to the occasion!
Jason Stackhouse: Om nom nom tasty life saving antibiotics nom!
Crystal Norris: It’s Mexican Viagra!
Jason Stackhouse: I hate this storyline so much.
Tara Thornton: Hi Sookie! Do you think you could use some of the undo influence you seem to have over vampires to help a brother out? In specific, to stop Eric from dragging Lafayette into a dirty hole and torturing him to death?
Sookie Stackhouse: But I don’t wanna help other people!
Tara Thornton: …
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh, fine. He’s a lot easier to talk to since the witches brain fucked him anyway.
Tara Thornton: Interesting story that…
Sam Merlotte: Hi Tara! I <3 vaginas!
Tara Thornton: Sorry, so do I.
Sam Merlotte’s Penis: :-(
Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hey Tara, did Lafayette say anything about paying Terry a hundred dollars to Terry to cover his shift so he could go to Fangtasia and commit suicide by vampire?
Tara Thornton: God. Damn. It. Quick, to the bitchmobile!
Vampire Bill: Hi Eric! It’d be great if you could return a single goddamn phone call some time in this century! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Portia Bellefleur: Hi Bill! We should fuck!
Vampire Bill: No strings attached? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Portia Bellefleur: No strings attached.
Vampire Bill: :-)=
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Arlene! Do you think Devil Baby would like a Devil Doll?
Arlene Fowler: …
Terry Bellefleur: He sure would!
Devil Baby: Approves.
Sams Brother Tommy: Hi Sam! Could I interest you in a money making scheme?
Sam Merlotte: That depends on the nature of said scheme.
Sams Brother Tommy: It involves defrauding an old widow out of the true value of her property!
Sam Merlotte: I’m thinking… no.
Sams Brother Tommy: I’m so sick of you acting all high and mighty, with your “not fucking people over” and “not committing crimes”. Punk bitch.
Vampire Bill: Wink wink wink!
Portia Bellefleur: Nudge nudge nudge!
Vampire Bill: Nom nom nom!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Eric, I’m home from trying to get rid of you! Which… apparently worked.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Lafayette! Thanks for dropping by! I saved a room for you. You might remember it as “the place I was tortured for several days of unrelenting agony, and then watched Eric rip a man into tiny pieces with his bare hands.” But we just call it the Pink Room.
Tara Thornton: I have a gun loaded with wooden bullets!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: I for some reason don’t remember that I am almost infinitely faster than you!
Jesus the Gay Nurse: I’m a voodoo king!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Anyway, I was thinking that we could bring you Marnie the Menopausal Witch, and we could call it even.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Okay. But if you don’t have her here in twenty-four hours, I will personally eat, fuck, and kill every single one of you.
Thomas: <3 Pam.
Marnie Stonebrook: Dear Moon Goddess, I am a complete fucking nut, and I’m going to cut myself with this here magic dagger until you fill my void. </euphamism> Wristslash!
Crystal Norris: Wink wink wink!
Jason Stackhouse: Please just kill me.
Crystal Norris: Nudge nudge nudge!
Jason Stackhouse: Seriously, I would much rather die at this point.
Everyone in Hotshot: But if you die, who are we going to panther-rape?
Jason Stackhouse: Fuck!
Everyone in Hotshot: Okay!
Jason Stackhouse: No, not… oh goddammit.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, looks like I have the house to myself. I think I’ll read a novel! Maybe Grave Secret, by Charlaine Harris!
Claudine: Hi Sookie! I’m here to take you back to Ferngully!
Sookie Stackhouse: You mean the place with the evil troll people and the mad queen and the rotting light fruit? No thanks.
Claudine: But I’ve been so good to you! Like, when I saved you from the Ratrays, way back in Season One. In fact, I-
Eric Northman: OM NOM NOM NOM TASTY FAIRY CRACKBLOOD NOM NOM NOM
Eric Northman: NOM NOM NOM
Sookie Stackhouse: You just killed my fairy godmother!
Eric Northman: …Sorry. :-)=
The Plot: Thickens.