Eric Northman: Why do you smell so…
Sookie Stackhouse: You know perfectly well why I smell… like I do.
Thomas: Resists the urge to make a Summer’s Eve joke.
Eric Northman: So… I would very much like to have you for dinner.
Sookie Stackhouse: And I would very much like to break your nose.
Eric Northman: Your resistance to having your throat torn open saddens me. As does my newfound case of amnesia.
Sookie Stackhouse: Goddamn vampires. Okay, what’s the last thing you remember?
Eric Northman: Crazy bitch with weird eyes, a pall of darkness falling over my life, losing all sense of self, purpose, and joy… and then I left your house and got mind raped by a witch.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well I guess I can help you get your memories back. But! There are some very important rules. One, there will be no winking. Two, there will be no nudging. Three, there will be no fanging. Four, I am contractually obligated to wink, nudge, and fang at least every third episode, so all of these rules will go flying out the window really soon.
Eric Northman: :-)=
Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hi Marnie! You’re not dead!
Marnie Stonebrook: Hi Jesus! I don’t remember what happened!
Tara Thornton: Hi Lafayette! Thanks for bringing me to Vampire Gang Bang night!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Can we all sit down and address the fact that Eric Fucking Northman is both pissed off at us and powerful enough to murder us thirteen times before the first body hits the floor?
Marnie Stonebrook: I’m not going to let him take away our constitutional right to practice our religion!
Jesus the Gay Nurse: That’s the spirit! Now what did you do to drive him away?
Marnie Stonebrook: I have no idea!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! We are all fucked as the head cheerleader at homecoming.
King Billybob the Redneck: Once upon a time, long before the modern age, mankind was intimately linked to the natural world, and to the animal spirits all around us. But then one day, sky people came and seduced man, and taught him to forsake nature. But there were two people, Ghost Daddy and Ghost Mommy, who didn’t want to leave nature, and so they prayed to the Great Panther Spirit, and asked him to intervene.
Crystal Norris: And do you know what the Great Panther Spirit did?
Tombo: They kidnapped a local police officer, drugged the shit out of him, infected him with were-rabies, and raped him until he fathered an entire new generation of shapeshifters?
Crystal Norris: That’s right!
Jason Stackhouse: I am still not a fan of this plotline.
Vinney the Vampire Vance: Om nom nom tasty willing waitress nom!
Bubba Joe: Quick, bust out the video camera!
Billy Jean: Hi guys! :-D
Bubba Joe: psst your supposed to be afraid.
Billy Jean: Oh right! I mean, aieeee!
Vinney the Vampire Vance: …yeah, screw this. Super vampire super speeding away powers activate!
Bubba Joe: See! Vampires are killers. To learn more, go to vamps-kill.com. And make sure to like us on Facebook!
Vampire Bill: So… you’re kind of a fucking idiot, aren’t you? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Vinney the Vampire: Yeah, totally my bad, bro.
Vampire Bill: Okay, so we’re all agreed. You’ll be executed, and I’ll go fang my secretary. Later! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Vinney the Vampire: Wait, what?
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Bill!
Vampire Bill: hi Jessica!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: I just ate a guy at Fangtasia!
Vampire Bill: Jesus I really hate my life right now. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: So what should I do?
Vampire Bill: Tell him the truth. And then mind-whammy this shit out of him. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Eric! You can totally come into my house, which you do not own, and which I can throw you out of at any time! Tee hee!
Eric Northman: You use English funny.
Some Random Guy: Oh yeah baby, bite that neck, oh, oh, oh.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: …You can either be more convincing, be quiet, or be murdered. Pick one.
Sookie Stackhouse (on the Phone): Hi Pam! Eric’s here, and he may or may not have been lobotomized by witches! Just thought you should know!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: …shit.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Sookie! So it’s all agreed, you’ll hide Eric for an indefinite amount of time while I murder my way to an answer. Great!
Sookie Stackhouse: Or, I could just drop him off at Bill’s.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: I. Will. Cut. A. Bitch.
Eric Northman: Super Eric throwing anyone that threatens Sookie across the room, even if it’s Pam, who is awesome, and even though it’s Sookie, who is not, powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: What I mean to say was, dearest Sookie, pretty please with sugar on top, look after Eric, and don’t turn him over to Bill, how has already tried to murder him.
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s because Eric fanged me!
Eric Northman: I did? :-)=
Sookie Stackhouse: Against my will!
Eric Northman: Oh, sorry. :-(=
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jessica! Why is this creepy ass voodoo doll back here?
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Hoyt! So I might have accidentally had fang with another guy tonight.
Hoyt Fortenberry: I’m angry!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes! </dracula>
Hoyt Fortenberry: I’m happy!
Sookie Stackhouse: And here’s your cubby hole…
Eric Northman: This house really is mine!
Sookie Stackhouse: Yep!
Eric Northman: Are you mine?
Sookie Stackhouse: Nope!
Eric Northman: You belong to another vampire? :-(=
Sookie Stackhouse: Nope!
Eric Northman: :-)= Would you like to be mine?
Sookie Stackhouse: Nope!
Eric Northman: :-(=
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! So I’ve got a plan… we go to Fangtasia, throw our asses on the ground, beg for forgiveness, and throw him a Marnie-shaped bone.
Tara Thornton: Your plan sucks!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! And you need to go have hot lesbian sex with your hot lesbian girlfriend.
Jesus the Gay Nurse: …That part of the plan makes sense.
Jason Stackhouse’s Phone: Hi Jason! A fast rescue is close at hand! Yet still frustratingly out of reach!
Andy Bellefleur: Hi Jason’s phone! I’m angry you’re not at work! Also: I’m seven kinds of hooked on V! Call me!
Sam Merlotte: Andy? What’s up?
Andy Bellefleur: Fuck you Sam! I am not on drugs! Take in your damn trash! And mow your damn lawn! And cut your damn hair! Gunpull!
Sam Merlotte: We… are going to have a conversation about this, in the very near future.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Alcide!
Alcide Herveaux: Hi Sookie! Even though you’ve brought me nothing but pain, stress, and life-threatening danger, I’m happy to see you!
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s great, because I need a favor! Can you take care of Eric Northman for me?
Alcide Herveaux: Sure, lemme go get my stake collection…
Sookie Stackhouse: No, I mean let him move into your house, and sleep in your basement, and maybe snack on you from time to time.
Alcide Herveaux: …You really are a terrible person, aren’t you?
Debbie Van Pelt: Speaking of terrible people that Alcide wants to sleep with, Alcide and me are back together! Praise Jesus! Twelve steps! Work it until it works!
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I’m going to go see if I can ruin anyone’s life back in Bon Temps. See you later!
Maxine Fortenberry: Look at these creepy ass dolls they’re selling on QVC, Tommy! I wonder if my fascination with creepy ass dolls has anything to do with the creep ass doll that keeps showing up at Hoyt and Jessica’s?
Sams Brother Tommy: Beats me! I’m too busy trying to screw you out of money! Because I’m a shit!
Paul the Natural Gas Investor: Well I can certainly help with that!
Maxine Fortenberry: I love creepy ass dolls!
Crystal Norris: Hi Jason! I’ve got some medicine that will help you… rise to the occasion!
Jason Stackhouse: Om nom nom tasty life saving antibiotics nom!
Crystal Norris: It’s Mexican Viagra!
Jason Stackhouse: I hate this storyline so much.
Tara Thornton: Hi Sookie! Do you think you could use some of the undo influence you seem to have over vampires to help a brother out? In specific, to stop Eric from dragging Lafayette into a dirty hole and torturing him to death?
Sookie Stackhouse: But I don’t wanna help other people!
Tara Thornton: …
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh, fine. He’s a lot easier to talk to since the witches brain fucked him anyway.
Tara Thornton: Interesting story that…
Sam Merlotte: Hi Tara! I <3 vaginas!
Tara Thornton: Sorry, so do I.
Sam Merlotte’s Penis: :-(
Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hey Tara, did Lafayette say anything about paying Terry a hundred dollars to Terry to cover his shift so he could go to Fangtasia and commit suicide by vampire?
Tara Thornton: God. Damn. It. Quick, to the bitchmobile!
Vampire Bill: Hi Eric! It’d be great if you could return a single goddamn phone call some time in this century! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Portia Bellefleur: Hi Bill! We should fuck!
Vampire Bill: No strings attached? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Portia Bellefleur: No strings attached.
Vampire Bill: :-)=
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Arlene! Do you think Devil Baby would like a Devil Doll?
Arlene Fowler: …
Terry Bellefleur: He sure would!
Devil Baby: Approves.
Sams Brother Tommy: Hi Sam! Could I interest you in a money making scheme?
Sam Merlotte: That depends on the nature of said scheme.
Sams Brother Tommy: It involves defrauding an old widow out of the true value of her property!
Sam Merlotte: I’m thinking… no.
Sams Brother Tommy: I’m so sick of you acting all high and mighty, with your “not fucking people over” and “not committing crimes”. Punk bitch.
Vampire Bill: Wink wink wink!
Portia Bellefleur: Nudge nudge nudge!
Vampire Bill: Nom nom nom!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Eric, I’m home from trying to get rid of you! Which… apparently worked.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Lafayette! Thanks for dropping by! I saved a room for you. You might remember it as “the place I was tortured for several days of unrelenting agony, and then watched Eric rip a man into tiny pieces with his bare hands.” But we just call it the Pink Room.
Tara Thornton: I have a gun loaded with wooden bullets!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: I for some reason don’t remember that I am almost infinitely faster than you!
Jesus the Gay Nurse: I’m a voodoo king!
Everyone: …
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Anyway, I was thinking that we could bring you Marnie the Menopausal Witch, and we could call it even.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Okay. But if you don’t have her here in twenty-four hours, I will personally eat, fuck, and kill every single one of you.
Thomas: <3 Pam.
Marnie Stonebrook: Dear Moon Goddess, I am a complete fucking nut, and I’m going to cut myself with this here magic dagger until you fill my void. </euphamism> Wristslash!
Crystal Norris: Wink wink wink!
Jason Stackhouse: Please just kill me.
Crystal Norris: Nudge nudge nudge!
Jason Stackhouse: Seriously, I would much rather die at this point.
Everyone in Hotshot: But if you die, who are we going to panther-rape?
Jason Stackhouse: Fuck!
Everyone in Hotshot: Okay!
Jason Stackhouse: No, not… oh goddammit.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, looks like I have the house to myself. I think I’ll read a novel! Maybe Grave Secret, by Charlaine Harris!
Claudine: Hi Sookie! I’m here to take you back to Ferngully!
Sookie Stackhouse: You mean the place with the evil troll people and the mad queen and the rotting light fruit? No thanks.
Claudine: But I’ve been so good to you! Like, when I saved you from the Ratrays, way back in Season One. In fact, I-
Eric Northman: OM NOM NOM NOM TASTY FAIRY CRACKBLOOD NOM NOM NOM
Claudine: I…
Eric Northman: NOM NOM NOM
Claudine: Dies.
Sookie Stackhouse: You just killed my fairy godmother!
Eric Northman: …Sorry. :-)=
The Plot: Thickens.
Aaaand, the very first section kills me *dead*. I’d quote the funny, but it’s ALL funny.
I am so loving amnesiac Eric. That sheepish, bloody little grin at the end was made of So. Much. Win. Skarsgaard is killing it.
Now if someone would just haul the dagger out of Elijah and stick it in Bill, I would be deliriously happy.
this episode was really funny, but everyone agree that AB should start focusing on what is important, that is of course ERIC :)= (love the emoticon btw)
great recap i already told you by twitter, but i´m curios you missed the part where bitchy snooki ask for money to pam, to babysit eric.. that was really low even for her, she is leaving rent-free in eric`s house!! he has saved her many times, she knows deep inside he cares for her… i really really REALLY hate that girl, i would love eric ends up with someone else, even lafayete!! LOL
I’m just trying to imagine Lafayette’s reaction to the previous post…
Nice recap.
Dear Thomas:
Delightful recap, darling. Don’t delete the episode, I want to watch it when I get home from the beach on Tuesday.
<3 Your Fiancee
Alan Ball: Super make-Sookie-read-a-book-by-Charlaine-Harris-for-no-reason-because-I-think-that’s-self-referential-and-clever powers activate!
Amen amen and lmao!!! This show should really just be about Eric, who is rocking the amnesia and innocent look hilariously, Pam, who probably should eat, f**k and kill 1/2 the stupid town anyway, lol and Lafayette :) those 3 make the entire show :) I am still grossed out and disturbed by poor Jason’s were-panther rape and only on this show would a creepy ass dirty doll exist to give to a 10 month old baby…poor baby Mikey, whether he’s evil or not, who wants to play with that s**t :) Insane and enjoyable as always ;)
I think season 4 might turn out better than season 3, I just hope they don’t screw up the finale like last time or put in too much shapeshifter BS,
Also, is it just me or are fairies really, really useless in this universe?
<3 amnesiac Eric and Pam.
I'm having a terrible day, but your recap made things a bit better, Thanks!
Yay – TG recaps are always great!!
I was dreading when AB would actually pen a script for this season. Creepy. Ass. Doll. Sums up this episode perfectly. It certainly was what Claudine looked liked before she went poof. Ugh!
Kudos to Alexander Skarsgaard for totally acing the character of Eric. Him and Kristin Bauer-Van Straton need a their own show. Really. Joe M as Alcide, totally wasted character – he reminds me of Alaric in some ways…not physically, just what how they are being under used in their respective shows.
BTW: Thanks for adding creepy ass doll and devil baby to my vocabulary.
Hey Dayna :-)
Skarsgard is amazing. His little grin is goddamn hilarious. He’s seriously like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Even Bill isn’t bothering me so much this season. He’s a lot better when he’s away from Sookie. Of course, everyone is better when they’re away from Sookie.
Hi Carmen :-)
So far it looks like they’re doing a pretty good job with keeping the storylines tight and focused. I could still do with less Tommy (or any of the shifters, for that matter), but at least Eric features heavily in the primary storyline.
Yeahm Sookie asking for money was kind of a bitch move, but I can’t fit everything into these recaps. Things get dropped, either for length or for flow.
Fajen:
I’m pretty sure it would start with “bitch Please!” ;-)
Dear The Fiancee,
Okay :-*
<3 Lobster
Hi Melissa :-)
I actually got a kick out of the mini-shout-out. It would have been even funnier if she was reading one of the Southern Vampire Mysteries.
Hi Alicia :-)
Eric really is the heart of the show. Some of the other characters are great, but Eric is what keeps me coming back, Glad to see that they’re giving him his due.
And yeah, Jason’s situation is seven kinds of messed up.
Hey Jez :-)
Yeah, this show is not great with the season finales. Part of it is, I think, a budget issue – a giant throwdown between Russell and Eric would have been expensive – but part of it is just bad writing.
I think Fey are pretty much always useless, but in TB,, they’re comically useless. Magic Missile!
Glad I could make you smile a bit :-)
Thanks Jil :-)
Yeah, the GoblinFey makeup is pretty terrible, and the Antichrist’s Creepy Ass Doll plot has me on the edge of my oh I don’t give a fuck.
Skarsgard is just perfect. His grin at the end, when he ate Claudine? Hilarious. And yeah, Alcide can Alaric can share a beer at the Sidekick Cafe.
And vocabulary expansion is just one more service offered by the Institute for Higher Sarcasm. :-)
Love, love, love the recap!! My favorite line by far:
“Eric Northman: Crazy bitch with weird eyes, a pall of darkness falling over my life, losing all sense of self, purpose, and joy… and then I left your house and got mind raped by a witch.” So true!!
I definitely think each episode this season has gotten better so far. Primarily due to amnesiac Eric. I agree that Skarsgard is brilliant. It is so much fun to see that side of him. And yes, the grin at the end was priceless!!! It was so good that it gave me high hopes for the next episode…until I saw Mama Mickens in the preview. Blech. I was hoping that we only had to deal with Tommy. That’s painful enough.
Thanks again for yet another fabulous recap!!!
Jason Stackhouse: I hate this storyline so much.
Agreed! Jason is never part of the main storyline. That sucks! God, his scenes are just horrible! Was that supposed to be sexy? I really wish Eric would come and “accidently” eat the whole lot of creeps in that town.
And yes, Eric is awesome!
Great recap again!
Thanks emily :-)
No, I don’t think that Jason’s scenes were supposed to be sexy. I’m pretty sure they realized – and intended – that they were fucked up.
Thanks Misty :-)
I think that was my favorite line from the recap, too lol
This season is definitely heading in the right direction. It’s an improvement over Season Three, and there’s a complete lack of Goddamn Maenad. If only they’d cut out Sam’s Redneck Family…
This was a VERY funny recap. LOVE it!
Thanks Patricia :-)
Found this review thanks to Amy at SVB and LOVED it! Totally hilarious! I was LOLing for real while reading it. Great job!
And I also <3 Pam! I'm with the majority in that Pam and Eric are what makes True Blood worth watching!
OMG that was great I can’t stop laughing.
“…Quick, to the bitchmobile!” LOL
I loved the scenes with Eric. Also, the one where Sookie washes his feet, and he laughs ’cause of the tickling? Love his little laugh. Can’t understand why she’s washing his feet though, he’s lost just his memory, not the ability to use his hands :D. Unless they wanted to shoot the scene from a different angle…
Hi VPG :-) Glad you got a kick out of it. Which site is SVB again?
Haha thanks SacredmOOn :-)
Hi Patrizia :-)
I love Eric’s innocent/naughty thing. Skarsgard is fucking aces in this role. This is one of the best thing’s they’ve done in this show.
You’re right, about the foot washing. I hadn’t thought of that.
Great recap! thank the gods for amnesiac Eric. Skarsgard just saved the season. I was getting tired of fast forwarding lol Alcide’s 45 seconds on screen (not that I was counting or anything) was a “bitch please” moment. Of course Debbie’s 10 seconds were a kick in the gut.. and I was looking forward to the joker-ish scar she was left with.. oh well uhm “super fast wolfy healing thingy powers activate”
TinkerSookie washing Eric’s feet= AB’s twisted version of Sookie Magdalene?
Hope the Future Mrs posts her thoughts on the episode as well lol
Take care, see y’all next week!
I have nothing to say but to thank you for existing, sir. :)
Hey Soly :-)
Yeah, Skarsgard keeps us coming back for more. I would like more Alcide time, but if that comes at the price of more Debby time… eh. But Skarsgard makes it all worth it. The man deserves a raise.
I was kind of wondering if they were trying to do some sort of Jesus reference with the whole foot washing thing, except instead of a Jewish prophet, she’s just a horrible person, and instead of a prostitute, she’s… just a horrible person.
The Fiancee was out of town… the Sisters Three and the Mother had a girl’s weekend. She should be rejoining us next week. :-)
You’re welcome, Linds ;-)
Hoyt and Jessica’s relationship would go better if he had some vervain!
When I was watching the episode and Pam said “But if you don’t have her here in twenty-four hours, I will personally eat, fuck, and kill every single one of you,” my first thought was that it was total badass and that I loved it. My second thought was that I bet you’d have a I <3 Pam in your recap the next day, and I was right, lol. Love your recaps. They very much make Sookie bearable lately. :)
Hey Beth :-)
I’m glad that they’re at least addressing the fact that Jessica can mind-whammy him. That’s be a huge oversight if they didn’t.
Hi Nicki :-)
That was badass, and I do <3 Pam lol. Now if only the main character could be awesome…
Ooops, late! The next ep is almost upon us! Squee! Just had to say: Awesome as always! I love love love the fact that Eric just ate Claudine like an afterthought with an “oops, sorry :-)=” I kind of liked her in the books, but I hope this FIRMLY closes any back doors to fairy land so we can drop that plot line. Not loving the shifters either, but I don’t have as much against Sookie as you do. It’s interesting about the money she asks from Pam. In the book it’s Jason demanding money and Sookie is embarrassed by it. It’s like they intentionally make her less likable in the show. The whole foot washing scene is also from the book. Book Eric is behaving a lot more like a scared child and the scene is kind of sweet. Guess they wanted to include it. Can’t wait for more naked Eric!!
Hi Sofia :-)
Eric’s “sorry I ate your fairy” grin was hilarious. This show needs to do more of that stuff.
It’s been a while since I’ve read the book this is based on (a few years already?), so I miss a lot of what was original compared to what is new. But it does seem like they try to make Sookie less likable in the show. Which makes no sense at all.