The Producers: Hi guys! Lt’s do something wacky and daring this week!
The Writers: Like what? Actually give Allison some character development? Give Scott some likable characteristics? Make all of that Derek/Stiles slash canon?
The Producers: Close… let’s kill off the only interesting character we have!
The Writers: …We should have stuck to writing taco commercials. That was so much more rewarding.
Scott McCall: Darn it! I forgot where I parked, and I lost my keys, and a werewolf just slashed my milk bottle to ribbons, and I think I left my wallet in the store, and… wait a minute…
The Big Bad Wolf: Hi Scott!
Scott McCall: Super teenwolf running like a motherlover powers activate!
Scott McCall’s Phone: He’s hiding right over here!
Scott McCall: Ohshitohshitohshit
Derek Hale: Hi Scott!
Scott McCall: …I really hate you. Also, I need you to teach me how to werewolf.
Derek Hale: Fine. The first thing I need you to do is build up a lot of sexual frustration, so stay away from your girlfriend.
Scott McCall: Wait, why do I need to be sexually frustrated again?
Derek Hale: …
Scott McCall: Fine, I’ll stay away from her.
Scott McCall and Allison Argent: Are not away from each other.
Allison Argent: So, would you like to take my shirt off?
Scott McCall: :-D
Kate Argent: Hi Allison!
Scott McCall: D-:
Kate Argent: So what’s up?
Allison Argent: Oh you know just studying really hard. So hard that I’m our of breath, my hair is messed up, and I’m in my underwear.
Kate Argent: Reminds me of college. Anyway, I just dropped by to tell you that you’re descended from a long line of werewolf hunters, your boyfriend is the devil, and we’re totally setting up a Romeo and Juliette scenario for later this season. If you want to know more, you can google la bete du gevaudan, which will take you to this wikipedia article.
Thomas: Is impressed that they actually threw in a google-able plot point.
Scott McCall: Is less impressed.
Allison Argent: Bye Scott! Sorry sexytime turned into familyhistorytime, but I promise you’ll get to touch a boob eventually!
Alpha Wolf: Not if I have anything to say about it!
Scott McCall: Ohshitohshitohshit
Alpha Wolf: Also: I’m going to draw a swirly on your window.
Scott McCall: A swirly? That’s supposed to be threatening?
Alpha Wolf: Kid, you try drawing when your thumbs turn into giant meat cleavers.
Scott McCall: Thank god, I’m home, and alone, and no one is hiding in the dark to-
Derek Hale: Hi Scott! What’s new in your life?
Scott McCall: Jesus! Stop doing that! Also: do you have any idea what it means when a werewolf draws a spiral on your windshield?
Derek Hale: Nope no idea at all never seen it before and it certainly doesn’t mean we’re totally fucked but anyway I’ve got to be going so I’ll talk to you later and also remember no sex I want all of that hot manwolf energy for
myself your training bye bye!
Scott McCall: …I really, really hate you.
Scott McCall: It’s pretty sweet how everywhere I go, I bump into someone that reminds me of how much my life sucks right now. Oh, Hi Stiles!
Stiles Stalinski: …
Scott McCall: Still not talking to me?
Stiles Stalinski: You mean because of how you almost got my father killed? No.
Scott McCall: Okay… so I guess you don’t want to help crate train me tonight then.
Stiles Stalinski: I am so there!
Allison Argent: So my aunt was telling me about this awesome legend, called la bete du gevaudan…
Lydia Martin: The what of juju who?
Allison Argent: La bete du gevaudan… it’s french for “hairy boyfriend with long fingernails”.
Lydia Martin: So… highschool freshmen?
Allison Argent: They thought he was a shapeshifting wolf wizard! And my great great great great granddaddy killed him!
Lydia Martin: Yawn.
Allison Argent: And there’s a picture!
Lydia Martin: Panic.
Stiles Stalinski: Hey, your girlfriend is over there… want to create some false tension by running away from her?
Scott McCall: Boy do I!
Stiles Stalinski: So I’ve got a great idea… I’m going to teach you to control your little werewolf by strapping you to this heart monitor, and throwing balls at your face!
Scott McCall: …
Stiles Stalinski: Lacrosse balls.
Scott McCall: Oh. Okay. That makes… no sense at all. But I guess it’s better than the alternative.
Jackson Whittemore: I cannot believethis idiot is a better athlete than I am.
Scott McCall: I sure hope I don’t die alone and miserable!
Stiles Stalinski: I know how to fix that! Let’s go avoid your girlfriend some more!
Scott McCall: Okay! Say, what smells like death?
Jackson Whittemore: Smells like death. And dreams about wolf paws ripping out of his face.
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Allison! You sure are pretty!
Allison Argent: …Thanks?
Jackson Whittemore: I like you!
Allison Argent: …
Jackson Whittemore: And Scott!
Allison Argent: Oh good I was afraid you meant-
Jackson Whittemore: We should have a threesome!
Allison Argent: That. That was what I was afraid of. That right there.
Allison Argent: Hi Scott! I want you to be my lab partner, so we can study together! We can study anatomy!
Scott McCall: I… uh… don’t want to bring your grade down.
Allison Argent: That’s okay, I was planning on bringing something… else… up.
Coach Bobby Finstock: Hi Scott! Are you still mentally retarded? Or are you just illiterate, and kind of ugly?
Scott McCall: Goes to his murder place.
Allison Argent: Soothes the savage beast. </euphamism>
Scott McCall: Goes to his happy place.
Stiles Stalinski: Hey Scott! You know how every time you’re about to wolf out, and Allison touches you or says your name or blows perfume your way, and you don’t wolf out anymore? I think Allison might be the key to you not wolfing out.
Scott McCall: …Boobies. :-D
Stiles Stalinski: Okay Scott, I’ve got a way to practice not wolfing out. You stand there, and think happy thoughts
Scott McCall: Okay, and what are you going to do?
Stiles Stalinski: Key this large gentleman’s car, then blame it on you.
Scott McCall: I don’t think that’s-
Stiles Stalinski: Hey guys! Look at what that douche did to your ride!
A Rather Large Gentleman and his Rather Large Friends: Curbstomp!
Scott McCall: Wolfmode… no, boobies.. no, wolfmode… no, boobies… boobies ftw!
Derek Hale: Hi Uncle Peter! I need some advice! There’s an Alpha running around, and my sister’s dead, and I have this annoying brat I need to teach to werewolf, and GOD DAMMIT TALK TO ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHAKE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
Nurse Ratchet: That… in not on the approved treatment list.
Uncle Peter: I’m in here somewhere!
Derek Hale: Hi viewers! I parked across four spots, because I’m an asshole! Also, it’s snowing in California! Also also, I drive a super hot Camaro… be sure to tell the dealer you want one because you saw it on Teen Wolf!
Scott McCall: So getting beaten up sucked.
Stiles Stalinski: Kinda like how my dad getting hit by a car sucked?
Scott McCall: Exactly! Friends?
Stiles Stalinski: Friends.
Scott McCall and Stiles Stalinski:
Man boy hug.
Derek Hale: Hi Dr. Noname! Someone gave me a photo of you standing next to a dear that had our patented Death Swirly carved into it’s flesh. How do you think we should proceed here?
Donald Rumsfeld: Torture him until he confesses!
Derek Hale: Sounds like a plan!
Dr. Noname: :-(
Scott McCall: Hi Derek! What are you doing here?
Derek Hale: I think your boss is the Alpha, and I have a way to prove it! I’ll just keep cutting off body parts until they spontaneously regrow!
Dr. Noname: Whimper.
Scott McCall: Super werewolf instabeard powers activate!
Derek Hale: You’re no fun anymore.
Scott McCall: Supere werewolf self control powers activate!
Derek Hale: Hi Scott! I brought our hostage! So what’s the plan?
Scott McCall: I’m gonna use the PA system to amplify my wolf-howl, and draw the Alpha to us, thus proving Dr. Noname is not, in fact, the bad guy.
Derek Hale: Great idea! So, what are you going to do when the Alpha shows-
Alpha Wolf: Hi guys! Spine rip!
Derek Hale: Dies.
Scott McCall: …That went differently in my head.
The Plot: Thickens.