Scott McCall: We have to jam the door closed!
Stiles Stalinski: I know! I’ll run back outside, grab the bold cutters I used to open the school, and cram them in the door handles!
Scott McCall: No! Stiles! Don’t! You might die!
Thomas: Yeah, please. Don’t. That would be terrible. Really.
Stiles Stalinski: So I would just like to thank you for dragging me into all of this. Really, it’s been a pleasure.
Scott McCall: No problem, bro! Anyway, we should plan our escape!
Stiles Stalinski: How about we make a lot of noise, draw the Alpha’s attention, and then hope we can beat him in the hundred yard dash to my Jeep?
Scott McCall: That sounds like a-
Alpha Wolf: Super werewolf ripping the battery out of Stiles’ Jeep and throwing it through the window powers activate!
Scott McCall: -Terrible idea.
Stiles Stalinski: We need to get somewhere with no windows!
Scott McCall: The entire school has windows!
Stiles Stalinski: Somewhere with less widows!
Scott McCall: The locker room!
Stiles Stalinski: Why, I am also drawn to the place where young men disrobe! Let’s go!
Scott McCall: So Stiles, this would be a great time to call you dad.
Stiles Stalinski: …
Scott McCall: Who is the Sheriff?
Stiles Stalinski: So the Alpha can eat him? Pass. Let’s go rummage through Derek’s body and steal his car, instead.
Scott McCall: Wait, I hear something! Quick! Into the
Scott McCall and Stiles Stalinski: Pee themselves in fear.
Janitor Bob: Hi guys! I-
Alpha Wolf: Super werewolf eating the janitor powers activate!
Janitor Bob: Have the worst job in the world. Dies.
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Allison! Sorry Scott’s a douchebag! We’re coming to take you to the party!
Allison Argent’s Phone: Hi Allison! Please meet me at the school. It’s super important, and I’m totally not going to murder you. XOXO Scott (not the Alpha)
Stiles Stalinski: Aaaaaaand he locked this door, too. So why does this guy have such a rager for you?
Scott McCall: Derek says that he’s stronger when he has a pack.
Stiles Stalinski: Great. A mass murdering psycho-wolf that values teamwork.
Alpha Wolf: Hi guys!
Scott McCall: Quick! Run! His super-speed isn’t reliable when he’s chasing main characters!
Jackson Whittemore: So… do I need to state the obvious?
Allison Argent: That it looks like Scott and Stiles broke into the school?
Jackson Whittemore: I was going to say “that we’re in a horror movie”, and “oh for the love of god don’t go running into the dark, scary school”, but yeah, that too. Anyway, since I’m kinda over Lydia, would you like me to demonstrate my manhood by accompanying you into this obvious trap?
Allison Argent: …Nah. But you’re kind hot when you think a girl’s in imminent danger.
Lydia Martin: Speaking of a girl being in imminent danger… I will cut a bitch, bitch.
Alpha Wolf: Hi guys! Still chasing you!
Scott McCall: Constipated face!
Stiles Stalinski: I would really, really like to kill that thing. Or at least make it cry. Or! Keytoss!
Alpha Wolf: Keychase!
Stiles Stalinski: Wolftrap!
Alpha Wolf: Wolfrage!
Scott McCall: Will just continue to be useless while Stiles saves the day.
Jackson Whittemore: That’s weird… the hood on that crappy Jeep looks crappier than usual! I should go explore!
Lydia Martin: I should come with you!
Jackson Whittemore: I’d rather have Allison come!
Lydia Martin: …
Jackson Whittemore: But you can come too! Hey, don’t these marks look kind like they were made by human-hand-sized claws?
Lydia Martin: You know, you’re right! They totally look like WHY THE HELL AM I NOT AT A PARTY DRUNK AND PANTYLESS YET?
Stiles Stalinski: Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? Not this guy, that’s for sure!
Alpha Wolf: RAWR!
Stiles Stalinski: Eeep!
Alpha Wolf: Hey look! The room has a convenient drop ceiling, through which I can escape! Zoom!
Scott McCall and Stiles Stalinski: Facepalm.
Allison Argent: Scott! Hey Scott! I’m here, in the creepy-ass hallway, in the dark, like you wanted!
Alpha Wolf: Sneak sneak sneak…
Allison Argent: This better be some weird sex game… ’cause if I don’t get anything out of this, I’m gonna be pissed.
Jackson Whittemore: Really? We’re going to do the “girls always have to pee” joke now? Okay.
Lydia Martin: I have to pee!
Jackson Whittemore: That makes me want to have sex with Allison!
Alpha Wolf: Hi Jackson! I’ll be seeing you soon!
Allison Argent’s Phone: Here! Here! I’m right here!
Scott McCall: Wait! I know that noise! The ice cream truck is here!
Stiles Stalinski: So… everyone should meet in the lobby. Try not to get eaten on the way.
Allison Argent: So… why did you ask me to come here?
Scott McCall: Derp?
Allison Argent: So this text message wasn’t from you?
Scott McCall: Derp?
Jackson Whittemore: You know who doesn’t send random text messages asking his girlfriend to meet him in the school for no good reason? Me. Just sayin’
Alpha Wolf: Hi guys! You should all run away now! Super Alpha super speed powers deactivate!
Everyone: Quick! Barricade the doors!
Stiles Stalinski: Um, guys?
Everyone: Throw the desks in front of the door!
Stiles Stalinski: Guys.
Everyone: And the chairs, too!
Stiles Stalinski: Guys!
Stiles Stalinski: Good job with the doors. Now, about the twenty-foot wall of windows directly behind us…?
Allison Argent: So, anyone want to tell their girlfriend why she’s trapped in the school in the middle of the night with a giant mutant sheep dog trying to eat her? Anyone? Anyone named Scott?
Scott McCall: …Derp.
Stiles Stalinski: Fine, I’ll do everything this episode. Someone killed the janitor.
Allison Argent: No! Why? Who?
Scott McCall: IT WAS DEREK HALE!
Stiles Stalinski: …yes, that was the perfect moment for you to regain the ability to speak. Thank you for that. You fucking idiot
Scott McCall: And he killed his sister, and the guy in the video store, and your puppy, and everyone else!
Stiles Stalinski: Oh for fuck’s sake.
Jackson Whittemore: So, anyone want to call the cops? Like, your father?
Stiles Stalinski: …Nah.
Lydia Martin: Fortunately, I also have a cell phone. Hi, police? I’m trapped in the high school… where you were warned about a bunch of prank calls that were going to happen tonight? Fantastic.
Stiles Stalinski: So Scott? Little pow wow?
Scott McCall: I’m afraid Allison won’t sleep with me!
Stiles Stalinski: That’s nice. In more important news, how are we going to get out of here without dying in a horrible, violent, bloody fashion?
Jackson Whittemore: How about Stiles calls his dad personally, and asks him to send someone with a gun and decent aim?
Stiles Stalinski: Nope. Not gonna happen.
Jackson Whittemore: Okay, gimme the phone-
Stiles Stalinski: Facepunch! Also, yeah, I’ll call me dad now. And get his voice mail. Perfect.
Alpha Wolf: Hi guys! Again!
Scott McCall: So, here we are, trapped in the science lab, which is for some reason chained shut. Who wants me to go get the keys off of the janitor’s dead body?
Allison Argent: Um, I’m not quite ready to break up with you, so I vote no.
Everyone Else: Votes yes.
Lydia Martin: Hey, I can make you a self-igniting molotov cocktail! I… read it in Seventeen.
Scott McCall: I love this plan!
Lydia Martin: Jackson, hand me the sulfuric acid. It’s very important that you don’t hand me a different chemical. Just the sulfuric acid.
Jackson Whittemore: Yeah, whatever, here’s your shish kabob acid or whatever.
Allison Argent: So… I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’re an even worse liar than you are a hero, and I can tell that everything you’ve told me tonight is bullshit. Also, I’d really appreciate it if you stayed here with me until we all don’t die.
Scott McCall: Um… bye!
Scott McCall: Sniff sniff sniff!
Janitor Bob’s Bloody Corpse: I’m over here!
Allison Argent: I’m afraid!
Jackson Whittemore: Would you like me to comfort you with my penis?
Stiles Stalinski: Wait a minute…
Lydia Martin: Oh for fuck’s sake.
Scott McCall: Okay, after a scene that was drawn out way too long, I have the keys!
Alpha Wolf: Super werewolf smashing stupid Scott behind the bleachers powers activate!
Scott McCall: Super main character just barely escaping certain death powers activate!
Alpha Wolf: Super werewolf growling at Scott in a menacing manner powers activate!
Scott McCall: Super human throwing a molotov cocktail at the werewolf powers activate!
Jackson Whittemore: Super douchebag fucking up the recipe for a molotov cocktail powers activate!
Alpha Wolf: Super Alpha making Scott wolf out and murder his friends powers activate!
Jackson Whittemore: Super were-pup having a violent allergic reaction to the Alpha’s call powers activate!
Scott McCall: I’m gonna eat my girlfriend! And not in a way she would like!
Scott McCall: I want to murder all of my friends!
Allison Argent: I’m going to say something just loud enough to trigger a happy memory!
Scott McCall: Now I’m having second thoughts!
Allison Argent: I think there’s something wrong with Scott!
Scott McCall: Stiles and me are just friends!
The Police: Finally show up.
Sheriff Stalinski: Don’t worry guys! We’ll search this entire school for the bodies you claim are laying around, even though we can find no trace of any of them!
Scott McCall: So, I’ve been thinking that maybe the Alpha wanted me to kill all of you. Kinda like an initiation thing.
Stiles Stalinski: You mean he didn’t want to kill us, he wanted you to kill us?
Scott McCall: Yep! And I was really into it, too!
Stiles Stalinski: Well I’ll just be over here, applying to a private school on the East Coast. Tootles!
Dr. Noname: Hi guys! I’m still alive!
Allison Argent: Hi Scott! So I’ve been thinking, I’m actually way out of your league, and it looks like Jackson is available now, so I’m going to go have sex with him now. Bye bye!
Scott McCall: :-(
The Plot: Thickens.