Scott McCall: So… two guys, alone, in the woods…
Stiles Stalinski: That’s right, big boy. You know what we’re here for…
Scott McCall: Emotionally vulnerable… going through terrifying yet thrilling changes…
Stiles Stalinski: Oh yeah…
Scott McCall: Just broke up with a girl that he never actually had sex with…
Stiles Stalinski: I hear you man, I hear you…
Scott McCall: So we’re going to…
Stiles Stalinski: Drink Jack until we puke!
Scott McCall: Oh! Oh. Oh.
Some Random Dude: Hey look, it’s two little bitches!
Scott McCall: Wolfeyes!
Some Random Dude: Aaaaaaand we’re out of here.
Some Random Dude’s Random Friend: So, what do you think about not getting eaten tonight?
Alpha Wolf: Om nom nom nom tasty extras nom!
Some Random Dude: Dies.
Some Random Dude’s Random Friend: Dies. In a fire.
Melissa McCall: So… wanna talk about all your seething teenage emotional problems?
Scott McCall: No.
Melissa McCall: Well all right then!
Allison Argent: So… thanks for the ride and all, but do you think you could actually let me out of the car now?
Chris Argent: I’m thinking… no.
Kate Argent: Oh come one, let the girl live a little! Or die in a horrible werewolf mauling. Whichever!
Allison Argent: Thanks Aunt Kate! Byebye now!
Kate Argent: So Chris-
Chris Argent: Don’t say it, Kate! Your look says it all. I was dumb, and unprepared, and sat on my ass when I should have been out kicking it instead. You were right.
Kate Argent: That’s nice and all, but I was just going to say that you’re almost out of gas.
Chris Argent: …That too.
Allison Argent: It was pretty crazy how we almost died last night, wasn’t it?
Lydia Martin: Almost as crazy as wearing that jacket with that dress!
Allison Argent: Say, what do you think about me dumping Scott?
Lydia Martin: What no I don’t want to sex him he’s not even my type why would you say that that’s just silly hey look at the time I have to get to class and not fantasize about your kinda-ex-boyfriend all period see you at lunch bye bye!
Stiles Stalinski: Dad! You need to be really careful when you’re out looking for… Derek Hale. Because… Derek Hale might hurt you. Because… Derek Hale is the bad guy. Derek Hale.
Sheriff Stalinski: Don’t worry, Stiles! I brought in special help!
Special Agent Dick Wulfkill: Hi guys! No, I don’t have anything to do with Chris Argent, why would you ask that?
Scott McCall: Hi Allison! I just wanted to say-
Allison Argent: Hey look at that spot on the ground over there! That spot on the ground over there really is interesting! I think I’m just going to stare at that spot on the ground until the end of class!
Professor Tweedjacket: Okay everybody, sit down, shut up, and fail your test.
Scott McCall: Wow, it sure is weird how all I can think about is murdering all of my friends. Maybe I should take a cold shower! Runs away.
Stiles Stalinski: Wait, you’re going to take a shower? I’m coming too! Also runs away.
Stiles Stalinski: Please be naked… please be naked… please be naked…
Scott McCall: Hi Stiles! I’m showering in my jeans!
Stiles Stalinski: :-(
Special Agent Dick Wulfkill: Hi guys! So what’s the plan?
Kate Argent: Well, I was thinking about going off half-cocked and throwing as much violence at the problem as humanly possible.
Chris Argent: And I was thinking about taking a slow, methodical approach to hunting, capturing, and killing the Alpha.
Ensign Redshirt: And I was thinking about dying in a completely foreseeable manner.
Mrs. Argent: And I was thinking you should find Derek, kill him slowly, and cut his body in half when you’re done. Now who wants a cookie?
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Allison! You have chocolate on your lip. Let me lick that off for you!
Allison Argent: Thanks Jackson! Say, we should spend a lot of time together, and share all of our intimate secrets with each other, and then have sex!
Scott McCall: Super werewolf hearing all of this from five states away and crushing the wall with the back of my thick skull powers activate!
Coach Bobby Finstock: Okay everybody, half the team is out with pink eye, so Stiles is on first line, and Scott is co-Captain. Also: gay joke. None of this makes a goddamn bit of difference, but we have to do something to fill up forty minutes of air time. Let’s go play lacrosse!
Jackson Whittemore: Grr! This adds yet another layer to our intricate rivalry! When I finally turn into a wolf, shit is going to go down.
Stiles Stalinski: So Scott… can you use your wolf nose to see if Lydia wants to sex me?
Scott McCall: Well, I suppose I could use the fact that she either ignores you or insults you every time you’re around her as evidence, but sure, I’ll drag her into a secluded area and ask her all kinds of intimate details.
Stiles Stalinski: Thanks!
Scott McCall: So Lydia, do you think Alli-
Lydia Martin: Super mean girl tonsil hockey powers activate!
Scott McCall: Wow, I need to take credit for Stiles saving people’s lives more often.
Stiles Stalinski: So, does she dig me?
Scott McCall: …Sure. Now excuse me while I go give another player a concussion.
Danny: Concusses.
Lydia Martin: Oh no! Not my gay best friend! Are you all right?
Jackson Whittemore: Say, why is your lipstick all smudged?
Stiles Stalinski: …wait a minute…
Kate Argent: So Allison… want to learn how to use a Taser?
Allison Argent: Boy do I!
Kate Argent: Be careful… teddy bear fur is flammable!
Allison Argent: That was fun! But! I’m sad about Scott! And I hope Derek Hale, Scott’s bestest friend in the whole world, doesn’t hurt him! Because he’s also a murderer!
Kate Argent: …This development intrigues me…
Melissa McCall: Hi Scott!
Stiles Stalinski: Oh, hi Scott’s mom! It’s me, Stiles! I made a key to your front door!
Melissa McCall: That’s… terrifying. Almost as terrifying as the bag of BSDM gear you dragged in here. Anyway, I’m going to work. Use a condom.
Stiles Stalinski: Hi Scott! Dig the serial killer vibe, it really works for you. Say, are you dumb enough to let me trick you into getting chained to the radiator?
Scott McCall: I sure am!
Stiles Stalinski: Oh thank god.
Allison Argent: Fondles the archery equipment.
Jackson Whittemore: Hey baby, I’ve got a shaft you can fondle… if you know what I mean. (I mean my penis.)
Stiles Stalinski: So, making out with Lydia? Dick move.
Scott McCall: You’re lucky that’s all we did. She was practically asking to bear my puppies.
Allison Argent: So… I don’t think it was Derek Hale in the school the other night.
Jackson Whittemore: I agree with everything you have ever said or thought or done ever. Also: great shirt. I can’t wait to see it on the floor.
Scott McCall: Stiiiiiiles… oh Stiiiiiiiiiilllllllessss… you should really let me out of these chains, Stiles…
Stiles Stalinski: So, what exactly have I done that makes you think I am that retarded?
Scott McCall: Well, you do hang out with me.
Stiles Stalinski: Good point.
Allison Argent: Also… I’m pretty sure my dad knows something about all of these murders.
Jackson Whittemore: Why’s that?
Allison Argent: Mostly because he has a giant collection of murder tools, and a murder-happy sister, and they all hang out in a “We Love Murder” club on Wednesdays. They read books. About murder.
Scott McCall: Hey Stiles… guess who has two thumbs, four fangs, and enough lycanthropic strength to break out of these handcuffs? This wolf.
Stiles Stalinski: Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckshit.
Scott McCall: Super werewolf trying to run in slow motion but really just kind of flailing around like an idiot because I just hit puberty and I don’t really know where my limbs are powers activate!
Jackson Whittemore: So, about that night at the school… what would you say if the killer looked less like Derek Hale, and more like some very affordable CGI?
Allison Argent: Why, I just red a book about a monster that looks like very affordable CGI!
Wolf Mode Scott McCall: Grr! Me am angry wolf! Angry wolf eat stupid girlfriend! And stupid girlfriend’s stupid new boyfriend!
Wolf Mode Derek Hale: Slaps Scott on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Stiles Stalinski: Look! A bunch of cops! And a bunch of ambulances! And a bunch of body parts! I sure hope my father wasn’t rent asunder by a monster or something!
Sheriff Stalinski: Hi Stiles! I’m not dead!
Chris Argent: So… is that Stiles?
Kate Argent: Sure is! Can we torture him now?
Chris Argent: …Maybe.
Scott McCall: So Derek… I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided that this whole “uncontrollable rage / proficiency at sports” thing is a drag, and I was wondering if there was a cure?
Derek Hale: Well, the legends say that you’ll be cured if you kill the one that turned you, but since we’ve been renewed for a second season, I kind of doubt that it’s going to work. But we can probably burn a few more episodes trying!
Alpha Wolf: Hi everybody! If this was True Blood, you’d be seeing my ass now! Of course, you’d also be seeing Joe Lee Micken’s ass, so count yourself lucky!
Jackson Whittemore: That’s odd! There’s a fingernail lodged in the roof of my car! And wait! It just happens to match Scott McCall’s glove, which I’ve been saving in a drawer for the last several weeks! Because I’m creepy as all fuck!
The Plot: Thickens.
Jackson: because I’m creepy as all fuck!
LOVE THAT!
“Stiles Stalinski: Wait, you’re going to take a shower? I’m coming too! Also runs away.”
oh Thomas you are so mean to my boy Stiles, but funny as hell.
Great episode again, i just can’t get enough of this show. What bothers me most is i really think i shouldn’t like it, i should be able to stop, but i just can’t. *sigh* I know what you’re thinking, Why fight it if it feels so right?? My point exactly.
Thanks Tiffany :-)
Hi Hayley :-)
Stiles brings it on himself… or at least the writers do. Even in cannon he’s constantly asking guys if they think he’s hot. I wash my hands of all responsibility ;-)
I’m kind of in the same boat as you. Not quite so bad, but I knew I was in trouble when I stayed up last week to watch the show as it aired. The whole time I’m watching one of these, I’m telling myself how awful it is… and wondering why I’m kind of enjoying it. </secret-shame>
I do wish they’d improve Scott’s wolf face… it’s so bad. Those side burns… i mean, really??
Stiles made me go aww this week. When he freaks out when he can’t find his dad then gives him a big hug. I like how it made sense when you find out his mom died. Also him giving that doggy bowl to Scott, badass
Hayley:
The wolf makeup is atrocious . And I think Derek’s was even worse… like he grew some kind of an afro or something. I laugh every time I see one of them. They really, really need to fix that.
HI Mary :-)
Stiles has been growing on me. He was clearly the hero last week, and his snark has been improving. The doggie bowl joke was pretty funny, though if I was in his position, I don’t know that I’d be antagonizing the cornered serial killer…
I’m so glad u write these recaps so I don’t have to watch the show. I gave it a shot & could only get through half an episode & I feel as though I’m better off just reading your recaps lol.
So tonight was the first episode of Teen Wolf I’ve bothered to watch. Firstly, Stiles reminds me of my best friend’s ugly-ass boyfriend. Except without the FULL unibrow…and the stretch marks…and Stiles is not QUITE as creepy. At least he can refrain from asking girls he barely knows about their (nonexistent) sex life. Ahem. Even if he does follow his best friend into the shower.
Secondly, the atrociousness of the acting on this show rivals that of shows such as “Degrassi” and “The Secret Life”. I reiterate my sentiments that TVD remains the best quality show on the CW — or on TV, for that matter.
Thirdly, “Jackson Whitmore: And look! It just happens to match Scott McCall’s glove, which I’ve been saving in a drawer for the last several weeks! Because I’m creepy as all fuck!”
Ah, Thomas. You make me laugh. Every time I think of that I actually giggle in a most uncharacteristic fashion. Poor Allison, though — she’s either stuck with weird-face wolf-boy Scott McCall (did his jaw not look completely malformed in the scene with Lydia??) or creepy-ass cocky jock Jackson Whitmore.
She should go for Jackson. He’s so much hotter — looks a bit like Jensen Ackles. That, and his secret (his collection of mysteriously mangled athletic equipment) is much less likely to kill her. And let’s face facts, it takes quite an imagination to come up with a freak accident for that one.
Bottom line, Scott (or whatever the actor’s name is, Tyler?) needs to beef it up — sorry, it’s just the expectation of a werewolf character now, deal with it, kid — if nothing else, it might up your chances with Allison (“Eff off, Scott, you left me for dead in a claaaa….aaabs. Abs. Kiss me, you fool!”). That and the actors need to kick it up a notch — particularly whoever it is that plays Allison’s aunt — she’s like a weak imitation of Jules (whom I think we all hated, and who didn’t even get a death scene) who’s supposed to have a cool-aunt-Jenna sense of humor and a streak of killing fettish (?!).
Great recap, as always, Thomas! :)
Hi Christina :-)
Just one more service I provide ;-)
Hi Rebekah :-)
I think one of the biggest problems the show has is that they cast people that are actually high-school aged… so the acting chops just aren’t there yet. And Scott hasn’t had time to get all big and buff. He’s like twelve.
I will lose a ton of respect for Allison if (when) she ends up with Jackson… he’s an uber douche. And he’s going to be a werewolf, so it’s not like she’s even winning on the safety side of things.
Also, I bet he has a pair of her underwear in his locker or something. Creepy bastard.
TVD really does put all of these other shows to shame. A lot of the time, Teen Wolf feels kind of like it was written by TVD fanfic authors… you can tell they love TVD, but they just can’t quite capture the same feel.
haha…just realized I fell asleep during the episode, so I could only read half of your recap. LOL
Loved it. I almost forgot how comepletely useless some scenes were (Jackson licking the chocolate from his finger; the Lacrosse-team-meeting etc.).
Since when is Lydia into Scott? And…did I miss the official break-up scene between Lydia and Jackson???
Hi Sara :-)
The “licking the chocolate from my finger” thing was actually a nice moment… it showed that he has a perceived level of intimacy, and Allison’s reaction shows that she was kind of into it, too.
The locker room scene – hell, almost every locker room scene – was useless. Scott is good at sports, Jackson is jealous. Thanks, got it.
And yes, you did miss the official break-up… in the previews for next week’s episode.
Thomas, I simply wish you had the time to recap more shows so that you could post one recap a day (I know, this is utterly selfish and I do realize how much work you put into these…). You make me laugh so much! I won’t go into quotes, there are too many good, strike that, hilarious ones. Thanks!
Thanks Sara :-)
I’ve fallen into a pretty good rythm with these, so it takes me about two hours to write a recap – one hour to watch the show, and another hour to write – but yeah, this is about as much as I have time for.
There might be a brief period this fall where I’m doing four shows at once – Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, True Blood, and Secret Circle – which is going to get insane.
Jackson Whittemore: That’s odd! There’s a fingernail lodged in the roof of my car! And wait! It just happens to match Scott McCall’s glove, which I’ve been saving in a drawer for the last several weeks! Because I’m creepy as all fuck!
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckshit.
ROFLMAO. *dies laughing*
Dear Mr Thomas,
u make me laugh so much i keep falling from my chair..
by any cahnce u can post recaps everyday? :D your recaps make me actually wanna watch the show. i dont watch True Blood but after readingyour hilarious recaps i sure will chk it out :)
thank u for making my days always :)
and by any chance can u do the recap for Supernatural too?? its my fav show :D
Thanks Hetal :-)
Sorry to say, but posting a recap every day is just too much… these take about two hours each, and I do have something of a life outside of the blog ;-)
I love Supernatural, too, but I think they’re too far in for me to start recapping now. And the show is already so funny, I’d pretty much just be copying their script word-for-word ;-)
With each passing episode, I love Stiles more, and dislike Scott more.
Also – I think Jackson’s a douche and a bit of a numbskull, but his character shows potential. He’s clearly being given real-personality layers, and hey, the boy’s hot. I’m easily pleased okay?
The scene where Stiles is all worried about his dad – and the ensuing hug – really choked me up. Dylan, who plays Stiles, is about the only teen whose acting I really, fully believe! The others need to up their game, because he’s making them all look bad by comparison.
Awesome recap as per usual. :D
Hey Ellie :-)
I’m losing patience with Scott. When he’s not sitting on his ass sucking his thumb, he’s either being a douche or actively doing the stupidest thing possible. I can’t wait until Derek has the “so thanks for pinning like eleven murders on me” talk next week.
Stiles is the best actor on the show, no doubt. Someone said that he was Stephanie Myer’s choice to play Jacob Black (which… not Native American, and not ripped, but okay).
The way I heard it, Tyler Posey – he plays Scott I-became-a-werewolf-but-somehow-remained-a-lame-ass McCall – was touted to be Jacob Black. He’s partly Mexican, I think, but has a vaguely Native American look.
If Derek decides to ACTUALLY commit a murder (on Scott) for Scott’s actions these past two episodes, I totally won’t blame him.
– Ellie.
If Derek went on a murder spree, it would be the best episode of all time. That man really needs to clean house. Yet another thing he could learn from Damon…
Wolf Mode Derek Hale: Slaps Scott on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
HAHAHAH!!! Best line EVER!
Thanks Candi :-)
As for Scott/Tyler’s limitations due to his age? I must disagree. May I remind you that Taylor Lautner was only 17 when he got all buff for Twilight? Scott’s grace period is over. We. Want. Squee.
Actually, Allison and Jackson are the characters I’m the least disappointed with. Sure, they’re not very well developed, but that’s up to the writers, and I’m pretty okay with what the actors have done with what they were given thus far.
However, I’m agreed with you, Thomas, about the distinctly fanfic-like feel which Teen Wolf has. So, let’s get some PROFESSIONAL writers out there so we can bring in more cash so we can afford a less-affordable CGI. I’m a Harry Potter fan, but it doesn’t mean I want to see Remus Lupin outside of that domain.
It’s actually quite sad that “The Tudors” ended before the girl who plays Lydia had a chance to be on it — I feel like she would have been really good at playing one of those medieval hoes — because her seduction skills are scary in a way that would be titillating to grown men and absolutely terrifying to a teenage boy. I’m surprised (and yet not) that Scott wasn’t totally turned off when she came on to him like that. Like, seriously? His wolfmones must have been raging that day if that girl didn’t scare him spitless. And has Lydia always been such a skank? Scott is more appealing than Stiles, but only just. Well, hopefully now Stiles will stop moaning all the time about wanting to do sex to her. (Then again, it seems he has some ability to be a good judge of character if he seems to think that’s all Lydia’s good for. Clearly that’s all Lydia thinks Lydia is good for.) If possible, it’s even sadder now than it was at the beginning of the show.
OH, and the makeup/prosthetics? Fail does not begin to cover it. FAIL. Is a little better.
Love your recaps, Thomas — can’t wait till your TVD starts up in September! :D
Hi Rebekah :-)
I think Lautner is an exception, rather than the rule. The kid had a several-million-dollar incentive to get as ripped as possible, and he pulled it off. I honestly don’t think most men – regardless of age – could have pulled that off.
And I don’t think any of the actors really have the emotional depth to make these characters jump of the screen. Some actors can take a shitty character and inject life to them, and while these guys are doing their best with what they’ve been given, I don’t think any of them really transcend what they’ve been given. Ian Somerhaulder, for example, would make Derek fucking hilarious.
I hope that getting dumped by Jerkson will make Lydia wake up and stop being such a… whatever it is she’s playing. She’s one of the more interesting characters, and I’d like to see her step up and step out a bit.
It will be so nice when I’m writing about TVD again lol
Ah, Thomas. We all know comparing anyone (outside of the brilliantly cast TVD) to Ian Somerhalder is just unfair. Poor saps. Honestly, though, I feel like they would have transplant the entire TVD cast over to Teen Wolf to make it anywhere near as amazing. Thank God, it’s never going to happen. Cause that would be a travesty.
Hey Rebekah :-)
You’re right… TVD has one of the best casts going. There really isn’t anyone I don’t like as an actor, even if the character they play makes me want to set up a good old fashion witch burning.
Ok after this show I am never going to a locker room again because they are badly lit and have ominous music that says “you are going to die”. I was wondering where Alison’s mom went but now that she’s back she scares the crap out of me! Jackson is so funny…and a complete jerk. I can’t wait for him to either get killed or become a werewolf. Scott’s run through the woods was the most awkward thing I have seen on his show. Wolf Mode Derek looks somewhat better than Wolf Mode Scott who looks absolutely ridiculous, they really need a better budget for next season. I saw in the comments you are recapping Secret Circle! I was debating whether to watch it but I think I’ll tape it so I can read your recaps after. I do like Britt Robinson the lead, she was good in Life Unexpected. I think Lydia’s new name should be chlamydia. She had a line in the bowling episode that was like “I do a lot of sucking for his benefit”… like really? I don’t want to hear about that writers. Great recaps as always!
Hi Tina :-)
Jackson is the perfect mini-bad for this show. He’s kind of Scott’s complete opposite. Unfortunately, he’s also more interesting. He should have been the one to get wolfed.
I agree, Derek’s makeup is better, but it’s still not good. There’s a really clear look at him, in bright light, in the next episode, and it took me a few minutes to stop laughing.
I’ve got my fingers crossed for Secret Circle. Kevin Williamson knows what he’s doing – he’s a big part of why TVD is so good – so I’m kind of excited.