Scott McCall: So… two guys, alone, in the woods…
Stiles Stalinski: That’s right, big boy. You know what we’re here for…
Scott McCall: Emotionally vulnerable… going through terrifying yet thrilling changes…
Stiles Stalinski: Oh yeah…
Scott McCall: Just broke up with a girl that he never actually had sex with…
Stiles Stalinski: I hear you man, I hear you…
Scott McCall: So we’re going to…
Stiles Stalinski: Drink Jack until we puke!
Scott McCall: Oh! Oh. Oh.
Some Random Dude: Hey look, it’s two little bitches!
Scott McCall: Wolfeyes!
Some Random Dude: Aaaaaaand we’re out of here.
Some Random Dude’s Random Friend: So, what do you think about not getting eaten tonight?
Alpha Wolf: Om nom nom nom tasty extras nom!
Some Random Dude: Dies.
Some Random Dude’s Random Friend: Dies. In a fire.
Melissa McCall: So… wanna talk about all your seething teenage emotional problems?
Scott McCall: No.
Melissa McCall: Well all right then!
Allison Argent: So… thanks for the ride and all, but do you think you could actually let me out of the car now?
Chris Argent: I’m thinking… no.
Kate Argent: Oh come one, let the girl live a little! Or die in a horrible werewolf mauling. Whichever!
Allison Argent: Thanks Aunt Kate! Byebye now!
Kate Argent: So Chris-
Chris Argent: Don’t say it, Kate! Your look says it all. I was dumb, and unprepared, and sat on my ass when I should have been out kicking it instead. You were right.
Kate Argent: That’s nice and all, but I was just going to say that you’re almost out of gas.
Chris Argent: …That too.
Allison Argent: It was pretty crazy how we almost died last night, wasn’t it?
Lydia Martin: Almost as crazy as wearing that jacket with that dress!
Allison Argent: Say, what do you think about me dumping Scott?
Lydia Martin: What no I don’t want to sex him he’s not even my type why would you say that that’s just silly hey look at the time I have to get to class and not fantasize about your kinda-ex-boyfriend all period see you at lunch bye bye!
Stiles Stalinski: Dad! You need to be really careful when you’re out looking for… Derek Hale. Because… Derek Hale might hurt you. Because… Derek Hale is the bad guy. Derek Hale.
Sheriff Stalinski: Don’t worry, Stiles! I brought in special help!
Special Agent Dick Wulfkill: Hi guys! No, I don’t have anything to do with Chris Argent, why would you ask that?
Scott McCall: Hi Allison! I just wanted to say-
Allison Argent: Hey look at that spot on the ground over there! That spot on the ground over there really is interesting! I think I’m just going to stare at that spot on the ground until the end of class!
Professor Tweedjacket: Okay everybody, sit down, shut up, and fail your test.
Scott McCall: Wow, it sure is weird how all I can think about is murdering all of my friends. Maybe I should take a cold shower! Runs away.
Stiles Stalinski: Wait, you’re going to take a shower? I’m coming too! Also runs away.
Stiles Stalinski: Please be naked… please be naked… please be naked…
Scott McCall: Hi Stiles! I’m showering in my jeans!
Stiles Stalinski: :-(
Special Agent Dick Wulfkill: Hi guys! So what’s the plan?
Kate Argent: Well, I was thinking about going off half-cocked and throwing as much violence at the problem as humanly possible.
Chris Argent: And I was thinking about taking a slow, methodical approach to hunting, capturing, and killing the Alpha.
Ensign Redshirt: And I was thinking about dying in a completely foreseeable manner.
Mrs. Argent: And I was thinking you should find Derek, kill him slowly, and cut his body in half when you’re done. Now who wants a cookie?
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Allison! You have chocolate on your lip. Let me lick that off for you!
Allison Argent: Thanks Jackson! Say, we should spend a lot of time together, and share all of our intimate secrets with each other, and then have sex!
Scott McCall: Super werewolf hearing all of this from five states away and crushing the wall with the back of my thick skull powers activate!
Coach Bobby Finstock: Okay everybody, half the team is out with pink eye, so Stiles is on first line, and Scott is co-Captain. Also: gay joke. None of this makes a goddamn bit of difference, but we have to do something to fill up forty minutes of air time. Let’s go play lacrosse!
Jackson Whittemore: Grr! This adds yet another layer to our intricate rivalry! When I finally turn into a wolf, shit is going to go down.
Stiles Stalinski: So Scott… can you use your wolf nose to see if Lydia wants to sex me?
Scott McCall: Well, I suppose I could use the fact that she either ignores you or insults you every time you’re around her as evidence, but sure, I’ll drag her into a secluded area and ask her all kinds of intimate details.
Stiles Stalinski: Thanks!
Scott McCall: So Lydia, do you think Alli-
Lydia Martin: Super mean girl tonsil hockey powers activate!
Scott McCall: Wow, I need to take credit for Stiles saving people’s lives more often.
Stiles Stalinski: So, does she dig me?
Scott McCall: …Sure. Now excuse me while I go give another player a concussion.
Lydia Martin: Oh no! Not my gay best friend! Are you all right?
Jackson Whittemore: Say, why is your lipstick all smudged?
Stiles Stalinski: …wait a minute…
Kate Argent: So Allison… want to learn how to use a Taser?
Allison Argent: Boy do I!
Kate Argent: Be careful… teddy bear fur is flammable!
Allison Argent: That was fun! But! I’m sad about Scott! And I hope Derek Hale, Scott’s bestest friend in the whole world, doesn’t hurt him! Because he’s also a murderer!
Kate Argent: …This development intrigues me…
Melissa McCall: Hi Scott!
Stiles Stalinski: Oh, hi Scott’s mom! It’s me, Stiles! I made a key to your front door!
Melissa McCall: That’s… terrifying. Almost as terrifying as the bag of BSDM gear you dragged in here. Anyway, I’m going to work. Use a condom.
Stiles Stalinski: Hi Scott! Dig the serial killer vibe, it really works for you. Say, are you dumb enough to let me trick you into getting chained to the radiator?
Scott McCall: I sure am!
Stiles Stalinski: Oh thank god.
Allison Argent: Fondles the archery equipment.
Jackson Whittemore: Hey baby, I’ve got a shaft you can fondle… if you know what I mean. (I mean my penis.)
Stiles Stalinski: So, making out with Lydia? Dick move.
Scott McCall: You’re lucky that’s all we did. She was practically asking to bear my puppies.
Allison Argent: So… I don’t think it was Derek Hale in the school the other night.
Jackson Whittemore: I agree with everything you have ever said or thought or done ever. Also: great shirt. I can’t wait to see it on the floor.
Scott McCall: Stiiiiiiles… oh Stiiiiiiiiiilllllllessss… you should really let me out of these chains, Stiles…
Stiles Stalinski: So, what exactly have I done that makes you think I am that retarded?
Scott McCall: Well, you do hang out with me.
Stiles Stalinski: Good point.
Allison Argent: Also… I’m pretty sure my dad knows something about all of these murders.
Jackson Whittemore: Why’s that?
Allison Argent: Mostly because he has a giant collection of murder tools, and a murder-happy sister, and they all hang out in a “We Love Murder” club on Wednesdays. They read books. About murder.
Scott McCall: Hey Stiles… guess who has two thumbs, four fangs, and enough lycanthropic strength to break out of these handcuffs? This wolf.
Stiles Stalinski: Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckshit.
Scott McCall: Super werewolf trying to run in slow motion but really just kind of flailing around like an idiot because I just hit puberty and I don’t really know where my limbs are powers activate!
Jackson Whittemore: So, about that night at the school… what would you say if the killer looked less like Derek Hale, and more like some very affordable CGI?
Allison Argent: Why, I just red a book about a monster that looks like very affordable CGI!
Wolf Mode Scott McCall: Grr! Me am angry wolf! Angry wolf eat stupid girlfriend! And stupid girlfriend’s stupid new boyfriend!
Wolf Mode Derek Hale: Slaps Scott on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Stiles Stalinski: Look! A bunch of cops! And a bunch of ambulances! And a bunch of body parts! I sure hope my father wasn’t rent asunder by a monster or something!
Sheriff Stalinski: Hi Stiles! I’m not dead!
Chris Argent: So… is that Stiles?
Kate Argent: Sure is! Can we torture him now?
Chris Argent: …Maybe.
Scott McCall: So Derek… I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided that this whole “uncontrollable rage / proficiency at sports” thing is a drag, and I was wondering if there was a cure?
Derek Hale: Well, the legends say that you’ll be cured if you kill the one that turned you, but since we’ve been renewed for a second season, I kind of doubt that it’s going to work. But we can probably burn a few more episodes trying!
Alpha Wolf: Hi everybody! If this was True Blood, you’d be seeing my ass now! Of course, you’d also be seeing Joe Lee Micken’s ass, so count yourself lucky!
Jackson Whittemore: That’s odd! There’s a fingernail lodged in the roof of my car! And wait! It just happens to match Scott McCall’s glove, which I’ve been saving in a drawer for the last several weeks! Because I’m creepy as all fuck!
The Plot: Thickens.