Prof. Adrian R Harris: Well, here I am, at school, in the middle of the night, for no reason. Like you do.
Alpha Wolf: Hi there! I can talk now! And I’m pissed at you!
Prof. Adrian R Harris: PleasedontkillmePleasedontkillmePleasedontkillme
Derek Hale: Don’t worry, I’ll save-
The Police: Nobody move! We have you surrounded!
Derek Hale: …who the hell told them that I was here?
The Writers: We did!
Derek Hale: Is faster on foot than the cops are in cars.
Chris Argent: Hey sister! I found Derek! He’s on foot, by the iron works!
Kate Argent: Then… who’s driving his car?
Scott McCall: Whee! Vroom! Screech!
Stiles Stalinski: Um, Scott? You’re doing twenty miles an hour. This is not impressive. At all.
Scott McCall: Pout.
The Police: Release the hounds!
The Hounds: Grr!
Derek Hale: Semiwolfface!
The Hounds: Whimper!
Chris Argent: Well, I suppose I could shoot Derekwith this explosive crossbow thingie, but… that would end the show, so I’ll just shoot the wall, instead.
Scott McCall: Hi Derek! Need a lift!
Chris Argent: Bang bang bang bang bang!
Derek Hale: Boy, sure is a good thing that I got the racing stripes / bullet proof armor package on my shiny new 2011 Camaro, available at a Chevy dealer near you!
Scott McCall: Man, those police sure were angry!
Derek Hale: Well, that makes sense. You know, because you told them I murdered an entire orphanage.
Scott McCall: Geeze, you frame one guy for murder, and you never hear the end of it.
Derek Hale: Anyway, I need you to break into your ex-girlfriend’s house and steal her family heirloom / wolf hunter decoder necklace thing.
Stiles Stalinski: …Don’t mind me… I’m just going to stare fawningly at your rugged, handsome jawline.
Stiles Stalinski: So this is going to be easy! Just ask her to borrow the necklace! So that you can examine it! To see if it contains any secrets! Secrets that will lead you to the Alpha Werewolf!
Scott McCall: …Allison has boobies.
Stiles Stalinski: …Goddammit.
Doctor Nick: Hi Jackson! That sure is an interesting scratch there! Just let me take this chainsaw to the back of your neck, and then I’ll pull some wolfsbane out in the most painful manner possible!
Jackson Whittemore: What?!?
Derek Hale: Hi Jackson! I said, “I’m going to rip your spine out now!”
Jackson Whittemore: What?!?
Doctor Nick: I said, “stop eating wolfsbane, you dope-head assclown.”
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Scott’s mom! Mind if I look something up on the hospital computer?
Melissa McCall: Hi Jackson! I’ve never heard of HIPPA, so sure, go ahead!
Jackson Whittemore: Googles “what the fuck is Scott McCall’s issue?”
Google: He’s a goddamn werewolf.
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Scott! I know what you are!
Scott McCall: I was just holding those playgirls for a friend!
Jackson Whittemore: …I meant a werewolf. And if you don’t help me become a werewolf too, I’m going to tell Allison all about your little secret.
Scott McCall: …Okay, let’s do that. Hey Allison! Jackson has something he wants to tell you. See, he thinks I’m a werewolf. Yeah, no joke. Your new boyfriend thinks I’m a goddamn werewolf. Who’s the weirdo now?
The Writers: Whisper whisper whisper.
Scott McCall: …I mean, “Oh no, please, Jackson, I’ll do anything, just don’t tell people I’m a werewolf. Please.”
Stiles Stalinski: How did he find out?
Scott McCall: He found my stash of gay porn!
Stiles Stalinski: I mean about the werewolf thing.
Scott McCall: Oh, right, that. No idea.
Scott McCall: Hi Allison! I have some stuff I want to send you, okay?
Allison Argent: …Okay.
Scott McCall: It’s a bunch of pictures of us making out!
Allison Argent: Aaaaaaand you’re a douche.
Stiles Stalinski: Hi Scott! How did it go with Allison?
Scott McCall: …
Stiles Stalinski: Oh, that’s right, it was so, you so fucked it up. Okay, new plan, just break into her house, rifle through her panty drawer, and steal the thing.
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Scott! I bet you can hear me with your super wolf hearing! You better make me a werewolf, or I’m going to sex you ex-girlfriend so hard she won’t be able to walk straight until the next full moon!
Scott McCall: …I really hate that guy.
Jackson Whittemore: Of course, if you domake me a werewolf, I’m still going to sex her so hard that she’ll be bow-legged for a fortnight, so… there’s really no upside to this for you.
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Allison! Swimming sure is fun!
Allison Argent: It sure is!
Jackson Whittemore: We should go swimming together more often! Maybe we could do it naked!
Allison Argent: Okay!
Scott McCall: Don’t mind me, I’m just going to go through this here bag, looking for jewelry. Nothing unusual here.
Lydia Martin: Jackson! What is this text message about!
Jackson Whittemore: It’s about me dumping you. Because you suck. And I think Allison can suck better.
Lydia Martin: …Well you’re a stupid head! So there!
Sheriff Stalinski: Hi Stiles!
Stiles Stalinski: Hi… Derek!
Derek Hale: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Sheriff Stalinski: What was that?
Stiles Stalinski: Nothing nothing at all no serial killers in here that’s for sure hey are you coming to the game that would be great hope to see you there no I’m not hiding anything okay bye bye!
Derek Hale: I am going to tear-
Stiles Stalinski: My clothes off?
Team Sterek: Approves.
Scott McCall: Let’s see… frilly underwear, a bunch of bras I’ll never get to see, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Werewolf Hunting, socks, ah! Werewolf Hunter Decoder Necklace!
Danny: You want me to what?
Stiles Stalinski: Hack into the phone system and find out who sent this text message to this phone that I stole.
Danny: And you think I can do that because?
Stiles Stalinski: It’s convenient to the plot!
Danny: Hey, is that the most wanted mass murderer in California over there?
Stiles Stalinski: …No… that… my cousin.. Miguel.
Danny: And is that blood on his shirt?
Stiles Stalinski: …He gets… really bad nosebleeds. Hey Miguel! Why don’t you borrow one of my shirts!
Derek Hale: Abshot!
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Squee!
Stiles Stalinski: No, that one’s too small. Try again.
Derek Hale: Abshot!
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Squee!
Stiles Stalinski: No, that color’s no good, try
Derek Hale: Angryface!
Stiles Stalinski: Or that one’s okay.
Scott McCall: Okay! Well, that was a very successful robbery! Now it’s time to-
Chris Argent: Hi Scott! Why don’t you come inside for a while?
Scott McCall: …I suck at everything.
Danny: Okay, so the Alpha’s text message came from… Scott’s mom!
Derek Hale and Stiles Stalinski: …Shit.
Chris Argent: So Scott! Let’s talk about how you’ve been hanging out with a
werewolf serial killer.
Scott McCall: …I really hate my life.
Allison Argent: Well, I think I’ll just go for a run through the… old Hale House. I’m sure that will be completely safe.
Allison Argent: well it looks like this place is totally-
Kate Argent: Hi Allison!
Allison Argent: I hate being afraid and I’m always afraid and being afraid sucks and I’d like you to teach me to murder fear with an assault rifle!
Kate Argent: …You remind me so much of myself. Just… scrawnier.
Chris Argent: You see, Derek is-
Scott McCall: Derek is a good person even though I blamed him for the murders and besides everything I’ve done I did to protect your daughter because she’s awesome and I love her and I want to touch her boobies and I can’t do that if she’s dead well I could but that would be really weird and I’m not into that kind of thing!
Allison Argent: …Now I’m conflicted!
Scott McCall (on the Phone): Hey guys! I got the necklace! There’s nothing special about it!
Stiles Stalinski (on the Phone): Okay! Don’t worry, your mom totally has nothing to do with the Alpha!
Scott McCall (on the Phone): Wait, what?
Derek Hale: Hey Stiles? Facesmash!
Stiles Stalinski: Dude, what was that for?
Derek Hale: You knowwhat that was for. Sullying out love.
Jackson Whittemore: Hi Scott! How goes the “turning this guy you hate into a werewolf” thing?
Scott McCall: It’s not that simple! There’s an Alpha werewolf! And hunters!
Jackson Whittemore: …That must be the Argents.
Scott McCall: How do you know that?!?
Jackson Whittemore: Dude, her dad deals assault weapons, and their name means “silver” in french. And Stiles’ dad is too useless to be a hunter.
Stiles Stalinski (on the Phone): Hey Derek? Your Uncle isn’t here. And neither is his nurse.
Derek Hale (on the Phone): Why, that can only mean one thing! My Uncle must be the Alpha!
Peter Hale: Hi guys!
Nurse Jennifer: Ah ha! I see you’ve stumbled onto our clever plan! Which is-
Derek Hale: Facepunch!
Peter Hale: …Well that wasn’t nice. Asskick!
Derek Hale: Punchingbag!
Peter Hale: Villain exposition speech!
Sheriff Stalinski: So… about your relationship with the girl that murdered the Hale girl?
Prof. Adrian R Harris: Well, I’m a total geek and haven’t gotten laid since the eighties, and this girl asked me how I would get rid of a body using Chemistry!and I told her and then the Hale house blew up. She was wearing a wolf hunter decoder necklace. You might want to look out for that.
Peter Hale: Oh by the way, this horrible facial burn? Gone now! Now let’s talk about my master plan…
Coach Bobby Finstock: Hey guys! I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but if we don’t win this game, I’m going to fail you in Econ. Bye bye now!
Kate Argent: Hey Allison! that boy sure is cute! Why haven’t you had all of his babies yet?
Allison Argent: Well, the wolf bites on the back of his neck are kind of a turn off.
Kate Argent: …Wait a minute…
The Plot: Thickens.