Rachel Reporter: And in a shocking development, a resident of Mystic Falls died in what appears to be a completely non-bobcat related accident…
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I’m sorry I kinda chewed you out right after your girlfriend died! Why didn’t you tell me?
Damon Salvatore: Because you’re an eighteen year old high school student and the only people allowed to help me through my grief are Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker?
Elena Gilbert: But enough about you! Let’s talk about Stefan, who totally called me last night!
Damon Salvatore: What did he say?
Elena Gilbert: Absolutely nothing!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, that sounds like Stefan. Anyway, do you remember that conversation we had about all of the murders Stefan is doing? Trail of bodies? Pools of blood? Ruined dart boards? Stefan’s a lost cause.
Elena Gilbert: But if he was a lost cause he wouldn’t have called me!
Damon Salvatore: Now? You pick now to start being all logical and insightful? Goddammit.
Elena Gilbert: Anyway, I’m going to go get my thirty year old history teacher out of bed. Tee hee!
The Door: BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Damon! I’m-
Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric!
Alaric Saltzman: -Half naked.
Elena Gilbert: I need to know everything there is to know about Stefan’s current whereabouts!
Alaric Saltzman: And I will be further contributing to your delinquency because…?
Elena Gilbert: It would be a shame if I had to tell your boss you greeted me with your pants off! Tee hee!
Alaric Saltzman: Goddammit. Fine. Stefan’s been tracking werewolves in Tennessee and-
Elena Gilbert: I know where Tennessee is! I’ll go get the car!
Alaric Saltzman: You know Tennessee is an entire state, right?
The Fiancee: Their relationship becomes more inappropriate every episode.
Klaus: So Stefan, we’ve been walking for hours. Do you need a sip of water, or a little sit-down, or…?
Stefan Salvatore: No, but I could use a nice tall glass of shut the hell up.
Klaus: Broody Stefan is broody.
Stefan Salvatore: Sick of wandering across the Bible Belt looking for werewolves Stefan is sick of wandering across the Bible Belt looking for werewolves.
Klaus: Speaking of: hi, werewolves! I’m Klaus, this is the mangled body of your buddy Ray Sutton, and my broody friend over here is completely unimportant.
Linda Lupine: …Shit.
The Fiancee: This brings back unfortunate memories of Church Camp.
Thomas: I would totally go to church camp if it had vampires and werewolves.
Carol Lockwood: Morning Tyler! Can I interest you in a piping hot cup of vervain-laced coffee?
Tyler Lockwood: Sure!
Carol Lockwood: Oh thank god! For a minute there I was afraid you were a monster!
Tyler Lockwood: Say, have you seen Caroline?
Carol Lockwood: Nope! And I certainly didn’t shoot her with a poison dart and then lock her in a dungeon and then call a that guy from Heroes to come and murder her!
Matt Donovan: Hi Jeremy! I’m mostly naked!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Matt! I’m still seeing your dead sister!
Matt Donovan: Don’t you think your girlfriend, who is also a witch, who also caused this problem, might be more helpful than the bus boy who just found out about all of this like two episodes ago?
Jeremy Gilbert: Please! I just Binged “speaking to the dead” and printed out a seance ritual! What could go wrong?
Elena Gilbert: Hi Tyler! Do you know where I could find a group of werewolves in Tennessee tonight?
Tyler Lockwood: Sure do! Just let me pull up my Werewolf Flash Mob app and see where they’re camping!
Elena Gilbert: Boy, the Windows Phone 7 sure is great!
Tyler Lockwood: Almost as great as the Prius you’ll be driving to Tennessee!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Alaric! You know what I haven’t had in a while? A suicidal plan!
Alaric Saltzman: Take my keys. I’m too drunk to drive, but I’m sober enough to keep you alive. Whisky.
Klaus: You know what the coolest thing in the world is? A vampire that can walk in the sun, mixed with a werewolf that can ignore the moon.
Linda Lupine: …You’re describing youself.
Klaus: Yes I am, and I’m awesome.
Stefan Salvatore: Anyway, who would like to volunteer some tasty human blood so that Ray-
Ray Sutton: Convulse! Gurgle! Twitch!
Stefan Salvatore: -can complete his transformation into a vampire?
Klaus: If you’d like to volunteer, just be a tall blonde kid in a green shirt.
The Tall Blond Kid in a Green Shirt: Dammit.
Klaus: The rest of you have a choice: join me, or die.
Lucy Lupine: I choose to die!
Klaus: Wait, really? That’s… they don’t usually do that. I don’t… oh fuck it, you’re drinking my blood anyway. Necksnap!
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Matt! Have you seen Caroline?
Matt Donovan: Why no, I have not seen my former girlfriend, who you stole from me and then attempted to impregnate with werepire puppies. Why ever do you ask?
Tyler Lockwood: No reason. Just kind of hoping she’d be around to help me through the most painful experience imaginable tonight.
Matt Donovan: Oh right, the whole “my bones crack and my jaw extends and fur sprouts out everywhere and suddenly I’m a dog thing!” Do you need a hand with that?
Tyler Lockwood: Nah, I got it. What I need is a cup of coffee that doesn’t taste like rat poison.
Matt Donovan: Oh, that’s the vervain. The Sheriff makes me put it in the coffee every once in a while to make sure none of the patrons are vampires.
Tyler Lockwood: …Wait a second…
Carol Lockwood: Hi Bill! Thanks so much for coming! So, about Caroline being a vampire…
Horned Rimmed Glasses: No sweat, I have a torture kit in my back seat. I love what you’ve done with your hair!
Alaric Saltzman: Here Elena! Take a wolfsbane grenade!
Elena Gilbert: Thank’s Alaric! Here’s your Magic Ring of Not Dying!
Alaric Saltzman: I can’t take that from you! Your creepy-ass Uncle Daddy gave it to you, and I don’t want to sully his good memory!
Elena Gilbert: But if you die in the woods, you’ll miss happy hour!
Alaric Saltzman: …Give me the ring.
The Fiancee: Subtle reference to Alaric’s alcoholism is subtle.
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire throwing Elena like thirty feet through the air and into the river powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: WTF?!?
Damon Salvatore: Mostly, I wanted to annoy you as much as you annoy me.
Alaric Saltzman: Dude. Fistbump.
Damon Salvatore: Fistbump.
Ray Sutton: I don’t feel so good. Part of it is the fact that you murdered all of my friends, but mostly it’s the fact that my insides are trying to become my outsides.
Stefan Salvatore: So this is the master plan? Create an invincible army?
Klaus: Well, I have to get ready for the war!
Stefan Salvatore: War? What war?
Klaus: You know, the war that I’m certain someone will declare on me once they realize that I’m building an invincible army.
Stefan Salvatore: Your logic is troubling. Hey, is something wrong with your new werepire?
The Fiancee: Generally, when your eyeballs are bleeding, “something’s wrong” is an understatement.
Elena Gilbert: You gave up on Stefan!
The Fiancee: He gave up on cutting his hair!
Alaric Saltzman: I gave up on everything!
Damon Salvatore: I know I’m going to regret this, but… I’ll help you look for Stefan.
Elena Gilbert: Yay!
Damon Salvatore: But let’s be out of here by moonrise. Unless you want to relive that whole deathbed kiss thing.
Elena Gilbert: Pout!
Ray Sutton: Well, thanks for the immortality and/or slow, painful death, but Super werepire running away and doing somersaults through the air powers activate!
Klaus: Stefan? Fetch.
Ray Sutton: Supere werepire giving Stefan a deadly infection powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Worst. Camping trip. Ever.
Alaric Saltzman: Hey, should we try to be quiet, so that the pack of werewolves and pair of vampires don’t hear us coming?
Elena Gilbert: NAH. I THINK WE SHOULD BE AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE SO WE DON’T STARTLE THEM. IT’S LIKE GOING BEAR WATCHING.
Klaus: Hi Stefan! Anything interesting happening in the woods?
Stefan Salvatore: No my girlfriend isn’t alive and here in the woods with us! Why would you even ask that? That’s crazy!
Tyler Lockwood: Hey mom? About giving me anti-vampire poison?
Carol Lockwood: Hey Tyler? About you hooking up with a monster?
The Fiancee: She’s a monster? He’s a fucking werewolf!
Tyler Lockwood: Shh! I haven’t told her that yet.
Ray Sutton: Hey, cool, a vampire! Fangs!
Damon Salvatore: Hey, cool, I’m going to die again!
Elena Gilbert: Hey, Damon, catch this grenade!
Ray Sutton: That went differently in my head.
Jeremy Gilbert: Yeah, so I need some personal items in order to make a connection with your dead sister.
Matt Donovan: Um, bro? Could you put down the box of underwear?
Elena Gilbert: Okay! Now that’s he’s tied up, we’re-
Ray Sutton: OH MY GOD IT HURTS IT HURTS TURNING INTO A WEREWOLF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY HURTS!
Elena Gilbert: Screwed.
Alaric Saltzman: Okay, we’re almost out! As long as no one trips and falls-
Elena Gilbert: Trips and falls.
Alaric Saltzman: I really set myself up for that one.
Wolf Mode Ray Sutton: Hi Elena!
Damon Salvatore: Here doggy doggy doggy!
Wolf Mode Ray Sutton: Bye Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Oh no! We have to save Damon!
Alaric Saltzman: Elena Gilbert, I am your elder, your history teacher, and your dead legal guardian’s boyfriend, and I am telling you to leave these woods.
The Fiancee: Oh sure, nowhe wants to be an adult.
Carol Lockwood: Um, Tyler? Why are we down here?
Tyler Lockwood: I’ll explain, just let me finish taking my clothes off first.
Carol Lockwood: Yeah, that’s the part I needed explaining on…
Ray Sutton: Hi Damon! I’m here to kick your ass!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Ray! I’m here to rip your heart out!
The Official TVD Season Three Heart-Rip-O-Meter: 1
Damon Salvatore: So Stefan? If you’re really serious about the whole “stop following me” thing? You might want to not call your obsessive compulsive girlfriend so often.
Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! Despite her best efforts, Elena managed to not kill me again this week. Let’s go home!
Elena Gilbert: Wait! Up on that hill!
Damon Salvatore: What?
Elena Gilbert: Never mind. I thought I saw a rare Spotted Owl, but it was just Stefan.
Matt Donovan: Hi Jeremy!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Matt!
The Fiancee: I kind of expected Matt to Big Dramatic French Kiss Jeremy right then.
Vicki Donovan: Hi Jeremy! I want to be alive again!
Anna: Hi Jeremy! She’s a lying devil beast who will drag your soul to hell!
The Fiancee: Man, it sucks when your dead ex-girlfriends are fighting.
Klaus: Hi Stefan! All of my werepires are dead!
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, about the wererabies that’s slowly killing me?
Klaus: Even though I broke the curse, killed the vampire, murdered the werewolf, and executed the doppelganger, just like they told me!
Stefan Salvatore: …Goddammit.
Klaus: Anyway, since you’re the only one who loves me, here’s some tasty healing blood. Let’s go murder a convent full of nuns or something, okay?
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena? Why were you so worried about me dying?
Elena Gilbert: What, do you need me to spell it out? I
want to do sex to you worry about you.
Damon Salvatore: Cool. I’m going to go drag Stefan back from the bleeding edge of insanity, I want you to remember how you feel about me. Hi Alaric!
Alaric Saltzman: I don’t own a comb!
Carol Lockwood: Hi Tyler! I’ve been staring at your junk for the last six hours!
Tyler Lockwood: So, can you do something to help Caroline?
Carol Lockwood: I’ll do anything if it’ll get you to put on some pants!
Carol Lockwood (on the phone): Hi Bill! So I’ve been thinking… maybe vampires aren’t all bad! And maybe we shouldn’t torture Caroline to death!
Horned Rimmed Glasses (on the phone): What was that? You’re breaking up! Can’t hear you! Bye bye!
Caroline Forbes: Daddy?
The Fiancee: Heart = Broken.
The Plot: Thickens.
Another strong entry in the “hey, does anyone remember when vampires used to be fun” sweepstakes!
I love that Alaric just totally owns his alcoholism. Doesn’t front, doesn’t make excuses, just tosses back a shot and gets on with business. And seriously, he has all of the best toys. I laughed out loud when he opened his backpack and had a pack of stakes, a pair of brass knuckles, and a goddamn antiwerewolf grenade.
Damon is officially out of his moping phase. Throwing Elena into the water was such a dick move, and he did it for no reason at all, other than maybe wanting to see her in a wet tshirt. I also loved that he just let the wolfsbane grenade blow up in his face, because why the hell not?
And his little speech to Elena, about remembering how she feels when Stefan is back? Fantastic. It isn’t enough for Damon to hit that while Stefan is away… he wants to wait until Stefan is back, and he wants Elena to chose him anyway. That really, really speaks to his ego and, in a strange way, to his honorability. He won’t steal Elena behind Stefan’s back… he’ll do it right in front of him.
And now for the shocking confession of the week: I kind of want Bonnie back. I know, I know, I’m probably jinxing myself, but these people made me like Stefan,and I want to see if they can do the same thing with Bonnie. That’s the challenge, TVD team. Write a Bonnie arc that doesn’t make me want to light kittens on fire.