Melissa Glaser: Hi guys! Are we ever going to start an episode with my clothes on?
The Producers: Nope.
Nick Armstrong: I can get my girlfriend naked with my brain!
Cassie Blake: “About this strange and mystic ho, tell me everything I need to know!”
Bing: Um, Cassie? You don’t have to rhyme to make a search engine work.
Cassie Blake: Hi Diana! I binged this week’s exposition!
Diana Meade: Great! I have a conveniently scheduled meeting with a heretofore unmentioned school council, but I bet my boyfriend Adam, who is my boyfriend, would love to take you!
Adam Conant: No, not really.
Diana Meade: Great! Have fun making sex metaphors together!
Faye Chamberlain: “I really hope my magic’s not still broken, and I’ll test it by making this locker open!”
The Locker: Remains stubbornly locked.
Melissa Glaser: “When witches gather in a flock, we have the power to make this bolt unlock!”
Faye Chamberlain: Thanks Melissa! Magic was way more fun when we could actually do it! We should practice making boys fall in love with us! Or each other! Or both!
Melissa Glaser: Yeah, that’s nice, but I’m kind of tied up tonight. By Nick. Nick is tying me up tonight.
Faye Chamberlain: Don’t forget your safe word! It’s “I’m a total loser who’ll spread my legs for anyone that pays me the slightest compliment,” right?
Cassie Blake: Hi creepy old guy! I’m the daughter of the woman who set your sister on fire! Any chance we could talk to her?
Wade Barnes: Sure thing! She’s right over there, next to the pile of body parts!
Heather Barnes: Drools.
Cassie Blake: Well I sure am sorry that my family destroyed your lives! But I’ve got to get to match class!
Heather Barnes: Super violent vegetable powers activate!
Cassie Blake: Or I could stay for coffee!
Wade Barnes: So Cassie! Based on the fact that my comatose sister briefly came to life and grabbed your arm, I have determined that you are a witch, and must therefore be burned at the stake!
Cassie Blake: Wait, what?
Wade Barnes: Nothing.
Cassie Blake: So, that burn mark on Heather’s arm?
Adam Conant: Yeah, it’s a blah blah blah, and this is all your mother’s fault. We should go make light posts explode now.
Cassie Blake: Hey Adam? You know how there’s only this one Book of Shadows, and Diana controls it? Well… I kinda have a surprise.
Adam Conant: I want to get you so pregnant right now.
Cassie Blake: That’s… nice, but could we try and find out a way to un-hex Heather first?
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Melissa! Sorry I called you a dumb slut for sleeping with the guy that used to want to sleep with me! Also, isn’t that him making googley eyes at some other girl? Bye bye now!
Adam Conant: So Cassie, funny story. I kinda need your blood to cast the un-hexing spell. Because your mother used her blood in the first place. But don’t worry, I’m sure that this isn’t going to go horribly wrong!
Cassie Blake: Okay, but you have to hold my hand while you prick me!
Diana Meade: This isn’t awkward at all! Also: I have limited confidence in your ability to work blood magic!
Cassie Blake: No it’s cool! I have a Book of Spells, too!
Diana Meade: …Fantastic.
Melissa Glaser: Hi Nick! I’m angry that you were talking to another girl!
Nick Armstrong: Hi Melissa! I’m going to offer vague excuses!
Cassie Blake: Hi Faye! Do you want to do some dark magics that Diana had forbidden me from even contemplating?
Faye Chamberlain: You’re goddamn right I do!
Faye Chamberlain: “We can’t stay in this haunted house all day…”
Cassie Blake: “…so lets magic this bitch until she’s okay!”
Heather Barnes: Drools.
Wade Barnes: Boy, I sure hope no one broke into my house to perform dark magics on my sister!
Faye Chamberlain: Well that was awesome and all, but I think it’s time we go back to your place and let me take a peak at what you’ve been hiding!
Cassie Blake: Faye, I told you I’d show you the Book of Spells tomorrow!
Faye Chamberlain: Yes. The Book of Spells. That is what I was talking about.
Heather Barnes: I feel much better!
Wade Barnes: That’s great!
Heather Barnes: Except for all of the murder in my heart!
Wade Barnes: That’s less than optimal!
Melissa Glaser: Hi Nick! I’m sorry I overreacted!
Nick Armstrong: Hi Melissa! I’m sorry I had sex with tons of girls!
Melissa Glaser: I mean, it’s not like you’re my boyfriend or anything…
Nick Armstrong: Yeah, that bait right there? I will not be taking it.
Diana Meade: Hi Adam! So I looked through my Book of Spells, and it says that the mark on Heather’s arm was meant to stop a horribly evil monster from gaining entry into our world and murdering everyone in its path!
Adam Conant: I… have to make a phone call.
Faye Chamberlain: I fucking love spell books!
Cassie Blake: Your addictive personality concerns me!
Heather Barnes: Knock knock knock!
Cassie Blake: Hold on I have to go let an evil demon spawn into my house!
Heather Barnes: Itchy I’m itchy everything is itchy and I have to see Amelia but everything is itchy!
Cassie Blake: Amelia’s dead! But I”m her daughter!
Heather Barnes: Great! Maybe you can help me with the demonic entity that crawled inside of me the night all those people died! Demonspasm!
Adam Conant (on the Phone): Boy, I sure hope someone answers Cassie’s phone so I can alert her to the terrible danger we’re all in!
Faye Chamberlain (on the Phone): Hi Sweetie! I’m Cassie! You should come over to my house and make magic with me! Naked! You know, because of all the subtext.
Heather Barnes: Hey, did you know that demons follow witches wherever they go? Pea soup! Head twist! Eye bug!
Cassie Blake: Boy, I sure hope I never meet a demon!
Heather Barnes: …Okay, you totally deserve this. Wallsmash!
Faye Chamberlain (on the Phone): Hey Adam? When this hellspawned bitch murders me? Make sure you mention how it was your girlfriend who took my powers away in the eulogy.
Nick Armstrong: We should have more sex!
Melissa Glaser: Faye!
Nick Armstrong: Of course Faye can join in!
Melissa Glaser: …How about we save her life before we do sex to her?
Cassie Blake: Super wiccan… not suing my powers but pulling the demon’s hair instead powers activate!
Faye Chamberlain: Quick! Let’s hide out in the open!
Adam Conant: Heather! Don’t make me look at you sternly!
Heather Barnes: Oh no! Not a stern looking at!
Wade Barnes: Hi Heather!
A Random Car: Hi Heather!
Heather Barnes: Dies.
Cassie Blake: Hi Wade! It sure is wacky the way your sister came after me for no good reason at all, isn’t it!
Diana Meade: Oh well, at least the demon didn’t crawl into someone else’s body!
Nick Armstrong: Hi Melissa! Just an FYI, I’m going to be a total cock for the rest of the series! But I figure by saying it up front, you’ll think I’m honest and noble and a tortured romantic, and still give it up!
Melissa Glaser: Boy will I!
Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! I took my girlfriend home and didn’t tell her I was coming over here! Would you like some totally platonic help cleaning up your house?
Cassie Blake: Sure! And then maybe you can help me Bing “chance harbor witch fire of 1995″!
The Demon: Hi Melissa! We should be best friends!
The Plot: Thickens.
Sorry this one took so long, everyone. It’s funny how a little thing like a wedding and a honeymoon can totally screw up your writing schedule.
I’ll just add a few quick thoughts to this one, since we’re already a week ahead.
First, I still love Faye. I love that she’s never completely evil or completely good. In particular, I kind of dug how last week she was all in Nick’s face for treating Melissa like a sex object, and this week she was jealous that he actually listened to her. And I enjoy her “I’ll do anything for a sweet hit of spell book” is fun to watch, too.
The Cassie / Adam / Dianna triangle is getting just a little bit repetitive. They need to change this up or put it to bed. It will be interesting to see how Dianna responds to losing her monopoly on Books of Shadows, though.
All in all, a perfectly serviceable episode.