Faye Chamberlain: Hi Cassie! I’m slutty!
Cassie Blake: Don’t you mean a slutty witch doctor?
Faye Chamberlain: …That too! Speaking of slutty, you know what would be a great follow-up to ruining the longest-lasting relationship in the history of Chance Harbor High? Inviting that guy from episode three whose name no one can remember! And buying me this voodoo doll which is probably not possessed at all.
Calvin Wilson: Hi Cassie! Please pay no attention to the fact that touching my hand causes things to explode!
Cassie Blake: Say Grandma? A whole bunch of things exploded when I touched the shop keeper’s hand this afternoon, and I was wondering… just how many witches are there in Chance Harbor?
Grandma Jane: …The mail man. I’m pretty sure the mail man isn’t a witch. Although his ability to deliver parcels in wind and rain and sleet and snow is kind of suspicious. But other than that, it’s witches all the way down. Anyway, I have to conveniently leave town on the spookiest night of the year, and go find the body of Dawn’s grandfather. TTFN!
Adam Conant: Hi dad! Thanks for getting my girlfriend to break up with my with your drunken ramblings!
Ethan Conant: I didn’t say those things because I was drunk, son. I said them because I’m an asshole.
Cassie Blake: Hi Faye! Thanks for bringing the special effects! Hi Diana! Thanks for bringing your relationship drama! Hi Simone! Thanks for bringing a shard of a ritual murder knife, carefully inscribed with the symbol that will soon cause me to doubt the loyalties of all those around me!
Cassie Blake: Hi Jake! I found a piece of a Wiccan murder weapon, and I figured I’d show it around to random strangers until someone recognized it and slaughtered me for having it!
Jake Armstrong: “For another chance to make my play, make this truck need Tripple-A!”
Jake Armstrong: Hi Calvin! I just wanted to let you know that I have a Plot Device that’s been attuned to your specific energies, and if you tell Cassie anything about anything, I’m going to murder you with my brain! And this mandrake root. And this personal item. And this blood. And a match.
Calvin Wilson: Wibble.
Jake Armstrong: Have a great day!
Cassie Blake: Hi Mr. Wilson! I was wondering if you could tell me what this Shard of Witch Knife is, even though I know it’s a Shard of Witch Knife, because you seem to have an entire Witch Knife in your Cabinet of Magical Killing Tools. And did you just pee your pants?
Calvin Wilson: …Please leave.
Melissa Glaser: Hi Jake! Come here to honor the memory of your brother, who died like seventy-two hours ago?
Jake Armstrong: Haha no! I came here to visit my parents, and then piss on my brother’s grave. Because screw that guy, right?
Melissa Glaser: Well, yes, actually I was.
Jake Armstrong: Anyway, I have to get to my “I Hate Witches” club meeting. They get really mad if you’re late.
Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! I have a Magic Computer Program that will piss off Thomas to no end! We should probably flirt until it’s done flipping through photographs, which is totally how computers search for stuff!
Cassie Blake: I don’t believe in horoscopes! You should keep doing sex to Diana!
Faye Chamberlain: We should have a threesome! Or a foursome!
Adam Conant: Hey, the computer is done doing things computers don’t do! And it says that the symbol carved into the knife that witch hunter tried to murder you with, which was carved with another symbol representing “slaughter all the witches,” means “slaughter all the witches”!
Cassie Blake: …This is a shocking and completely unforeseen development.
Jake Armstrong: Hi boss! I made you a bunch of Plot Devices of Magic Murder! Say, did you know that if you kill a witch in the wrong way, their power can pass on to another witch, making them even stronger? That’s a wacky story, isn’t it?
Chris Argent: …I suddenly have reservations about letting you plan all of this. But on the bright side, at least Cassie’s date is a witch hunter!
Cassie Blake: Hi Jake! The fact that Simone had a witch-hunter blade makes me question the validity of your story!
Jake Armstrong: Oh come on, those three symbols don’t mean anything.
Cassie Blake: But there were only two… wait a second…
Faye Chamberlain: Well, we’ve spent about ten thousand dollars decorating the house… what else should we do?
Melissa Glaser: We could use magic to make the decorations come to life and eat people! I’m sure that won’t go terribly wrong!
Cassie Blake: Hi guys! Jake is probably a murdered, so I figured I’d pawn him off on Faye. That’s cool, right?
Adam Conant: Hi Diana! Your teeth are silly, but your boobs are amazing! Also, I was thinking that star-fate is a bunch of crap, and we shouldn’t throw away five years of love just because my drunk-ass father thinks our horoscopes don’t match up. Instead, we should decide for ourselves how we feel, and fight to make that happen!
Diana Meade: …Nah.
Calvin Wilson: Hi Ethan! It’s been a while since we’ve dropped some vague-yet-menacing information about our past, so I thought I’d stop by for a drink!
Ethan Conant: Thank god! I was looking for an excuse to get even more hammered!
Luke: Hi Cassie! I’m here to enjoy your company and totally not murder you!
Cassie Blake: Great! I’ll go get some more ice!
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Jake! Love the costume! Let me guess… easily seduced college boy?
Piggy: Hi Melissa! Chloroform!
Nobody: Notices this.
Faye Chamberlain: We should have sex now!
Jake Armstrong: Sure, just let me finish stealing some personal objects of magical significance.
Faye Chamberlain: Your lack of enthusiasm leads me to believe you have nefarious intentions!
Jake Armstrong: …It could just be that I don’t think you’re hot.
Faye Chamberlain: …I don’t understand what those words mean when you put them in that order.
Cassie Blake: That’s odd… Jake owns a stiletto with the Let’s Kill Us Some Witches symbol on it!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Cassie!
Cassie Blake: …Poop.
Jake Armstrong: Don’t worry, Cassie, there’s nothing creepy going on here. Look. a whole bunch of other Let’s Kill Us Some Witches knives! Don’t you feel better now?
Faye Chamberlain: …You’re a creep, and Melissa is gone, so I’m taking Cassie now. Okay?
Cassie Blake: Okay!
Calvin Wilson (on the phone): Hi Cassie! Just wanted to tell you that you’re in danger. Horrible, terrible danger. Yep, this guy, who you know personally, is planning to murder you and all of your friends. Man, am I glad that I’m not you. I mean, it must really suck to have a witch hunter on your tail. But don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be all right. All you have to do is not trust this one guy.
Cassie Blake (on the phone): And that guy is….?
Jake Armstrong: Hi Calvin!
Calvin Wilson: Would you spare my life if I told you the secrets of Cassie’s dark past, and even darker magic?
Jake Armstrong: …Nope.
Piggy: Hi Diana! You have something on your face… mind if I wipe it off with this chloroform-soaked rag?
Diana Meade: Sure!
Cassie Blake: Hi Adam! Have you seen Melissa? Or Diana? Or anyone else? Because I’m pretty sure that-
Some Guy That’s Not Adam: Chloroform!
Chris Argent: Hi Cassie! I’ve placed you all in this circle of iron sulfide in oder to block your powers. Powers which are an affront to Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ(TM).
Luke: Hereditary bigotry is awesome!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Chris! Not to spoil your party or anything, but Cassie is a super-special kind of evil, and if you kill her with a Magic Plot Device, it’ll totally unleash armageddon.
Chris Argent: What if I kill her with a gun? No? Darn.
Luke: I want to save you all from the fires of hell! By murdering you and sending you to hell! Bye bye, Diana!
Cassie Blake: I can prevent religious assholes from killing my friends with my brain!
Luke: …I should probably be hitting you with a wrench or something right now, but instead, I think I’ll try using another Magic Plot Device.
Cassie Blake: I can also make religious assholes explode with my brain!
Jake Armstrong: Hi guys! Some guy in a pig mask, who I was totally not working with, jumped me and brought me here! Wacky night, huh?
Adam Conant: Hi Diana! Seeing you almost die made me sad! We should comfort each other with the sex!
Diana Meade: I appreciate your offer, but politely decline!
Adam Conant: My penis is sad now!
Cassie Blake: Hi Jake! Religious bigots are stupid! I sure am glad that I apparently have the power to blow them up with my brain, even when the rest of the circle is incapacitated!
Jake Armstrong: Yeah, that’s really special.
Calvin Wilson (from the grave, via parchment): Dear Cassie: Here’s an ancient occult ritual that will certainly be significant to the plot in roughly seven days. Sorry I didn’t tell you who that guy is that you shouldn’t trust. I spent too much time with your mother. -Calvin
Grandma Jane: Hi Henry! I just dropped by to say hello… to your corpse. And bring you back to life with this Magic Plot Device!
An Unseen Assailant: People who die should stay dead! Headkick!
Damon Salvatore: I agree!
I don’t have a whole lot to say about this one, except:
Phoebe Tonkin is currently competing with Olivia Wilde and Deborah Anne Woll for “most attractive human being alive.”
Jake is deliciously evil. I really enjoyed his interaction with Calvin. The Merry/Menacing vibe works for him. His ernest smile when he’s planning evil is fantastic.
The whole Magic Murder Plot Device thing was… kinda dumb. I mean, it would have been great if they needed a way to kill them remotely, as insurance, but they way they used them? They would have been better off shooting them in the head and dumping the bodies in the harbor. Religious bigots are dumb in lots of ways, apparently.