Cassie Blake: Hi guys! Just wanted to let you all know that I can do magic by myself now! Jake taught me, in between rounds of incredibly athletic sex.
Faye Chamberlain: I hate everything about you.
Cassie Blake: Also, that odd-yet-friendly shopkeeper the police found lying on the side of the road, suffering from an advanced case of an as-yet unidentified Super Virus? He left me this scroll covered in Satanic markings. I’m pretty sure it’s harmless, but I figured we should ask my grandma about it anyway.
Diana Meade: Awesome! Let’s all come up with some flimsy excuses for why we have to go to Faye’s grandpa’s house this weekend!
Faye Chamberlain: Dibs on rubbing salt in my mother’s “I killed grandpa” wound!
Chris Argent: Hi Jake! Way to blow our needlessly complicated murder plot!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Chris! Way to… star in a poorly-written remake of an 80′s Michael J. Fox werewolf movie.
Chris Argent: That was incredibly lame.
Jake Armstrong: Whatever. I’m going to go
sleep with murder Cassie.
Faye Chamberlain: Hi mom! Heard from Grandpa lately?
Dawn Chamberlain: Well I certainly didn’t murder him with my brain, that’s for sure!
Faye Chamberlain: Okay then! Cassie’s grandmother is shacking up with him, and we need to ask her about this copy of the Necronomicon some dead guy gave us, so we’re going to pack a bunch of booze and head up there for the night. Don’t worry, we’ll call if we find any dead bodies!
Diana Meade: Hi Faye! I told Jake to give Cassie a ride, so you could come with us! That way they can have lots of sex, and we can sing 99 bottles of witch’s brew on the wall!
Faye Chamberlain: I hate everything about you, too.
Dawn Chamberlain (on the phone): I’m starting to think that my plan to manipulate our kids and murder our way back to occult power may have unintended side effects…
Charles Meade (on the phone): Don’t worry! I hid the body in shallow water and kidnapped Cassie’s grandma! There’s no way any of this will come back to haunt us.
The Ghost of Grandpa Chamberlain: Speaking of haunting…
Jake Armstrong: There’s a storm coming…
Cassie Blake: I know, right? We’ve had demons, and then your brother died, and then that crazy witch-bitch with the knife, and then the creepy-yet-endearing shopkeeper died of Super Eczema, and then we all got kidnapped, and then I lit a guy on fire with my brain, and then
Jake Armstrong: I was talking about the clouds and the thunder and the rain. But enough about the weather! Let’s talk about you! And your mother. And your father. And anyone in your family that practiced magic. And any pacts your ancestors may or may not have made with the devil, the deed to which takes the form of a creepy-ass parchment with barely-legible text.
Cassie Blake: …It sure is rainy, isn’t it?
Cassie Blake: That’s odd! No one’s home, even though my Grandma and Faye’s Grandpa should be enjoying post-coital snuggles right now!
Faye Chamberlain: That’s even odder! The phantom of some little girl is crying out to me for help! Also: you’re gross.
Adam Conant: Hey, the power’s out! How thematically appropriate!
Cassie Blake: Look! My Grandma’s scarf! And also a text message that says this entire trip was unnecessary.
Faye Chamberlain: Fantastic. Boys, get the generator working. Girls, help me raid the liquor cabinet. Cassie, go die in a dire.
The Lady of the Manor: This seems like the perfect setup for a Witch Orgy.
Faye Chamberlain: That’s odd, I don’t remember leaving a pair of wet, little-girl-sized boots at the top of the stairs!
Ten seconds later:
Faye Chamberlain: That’s odd, I don’t remember removing a pair of wet, little-girl-sized boots from the top of the stairs!
Charles Meade: Hi Dawn! I roofied Grandma Blake!
Dawn Chamberlain: Roofies aren’t enough to keep her down!
Charles Meade: They always work on you.
Dawn Chamberlain: Wait, what?
Charles Meade: …Would you like to go look for your daughter’s spell book now?
Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Cassie! I think you should do sex to Jake!
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Jake! I think you should join me upstairs for a long, hot bath!
The Lady of the Manor: Faye’s subtlety is so elegant.
Adam Conant: Hi Diana! I think we should have lots of make-up sex!
Jake Armstrong: Hey Cassie, do you know what happens when the dark, sarcastic anti-hero teaches the young, beautiful heroin something by using intimate physical contact?
Cassie Blake: Team Delena goes fucking nuts?
Jake Armstrong: Well, yes, but so does Team Jassie.
Cassie Blake: I can make fire with my trembling lady bits!
Faye Chamberlain: Well, here I am, drunk, naked, and wet. I sure hope nobody… fills my bathtub with seaweed? This plot sucks.
Faye Chamberlain: And here it is, the… completely normal bathtub. I really hate you, Cassie.
Cassie Blake: But I didn’t do anything! I’m going to have hot, torrid sex with the guy you want to have hot, torrid sex with, but still!
Charles Meade: Hi Dawn! Found the spell book! And a bunch of cheap Llewwllyn crap!
Dawn Chamberlain: Your new, assertive attitude concerns me!
Charles Meade: Sorry, babe! I found a magic stone, and now I have my stones back!
Diana Meade: Removes her clothing.
Faye Chamberlain: Removes any hope the guys had of hitting that.
Jake Armstrong: Removes any doubt that he was working with the Witch Hunters.
Cassie Blake: Removes any hope Adam had of getting back with Diana, and Faye had of hooking up with Jake.
Faye Chamberlain: Removes herself from the room.
The Creepy-Ass Ghost Girl: Hi Faye! We should be best friends! I probably won’t even murder you!
Faye Chamberlain: Okay!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Cassie! Did you know that intense emotion is the key to solo magic?
Cassie Blake: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to receive your newsletter! Smootch!
Jake Armstrong: Sorry, babe. If I see you naked, it’ll be weird when I have to kill you.
Diana Meade: Your feelings for Cassie make me angry!
Adam Conant: Your anger makes me angry!
Diana Meade: Hate sex?
Adam Conant: Hate sex.
Cassie Blake: That’s strange! Faye left the car running, and the lights on!
The Creepy-Ass Ghost Girl: Hi Cassie! Faye’s this way! Don’t worry, she’s totally not murdered! Follow me!
Cassie Blake: Okay!
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Cassie! The Creepy-Ass Ghost Girl is actually… Baby Phantom Faye! Dun dun dun!
Faye Chamberlain: So yeah, the Baby Phantom Faye is me from like twelve years ago. From the day I almost drowned, actually. And my Grandpa saved me.
Cassie Blake: I bet that isn’t significant at all!
Charles Meade: Hi Grandma Jane! Would you like some Evil Gloating, followed by some mind rape? Just say nothing if you do!
Faye Chamberlain: Wait, I think Spectral Me fell into the lake! And since it’s a well-established fact that phantoms breathe, I am going to drown myself to save her!
Cassie Blake: Or, I could just magic up the corpse of you dead Grandfather, and we could call it a night.
Faye Chamberlain: Yeah, I guess that works, too.
Faye Chamberlain: Wow, it sure was awful the way I had to find the murdered corpse of my own grandfather!
Dawn Chamberlain: I agree wholeheartedly! Good thing I had nothing to do with this, huh? That would make dinner awkward!
Jake Armstrong: It’s amazing how you were able to see the echos of Grandpa Chamberlain’s memories of Faye! It can only mean one thing!
Cassie Blake: Who told you we had a brief yet torrid love affair?
Jake Armstrong: I was going to say that it means you have an inherently powerful form of magic inside of you, but this is way more interesting. Proceed.
Adam Conant: Man, having sex with you is awesome!
Diana Meade: I agree! Breakup sex is the best! Too bad you can only have it once!
Adam Conant: :-(
Adam Conant’s Penis: :-(
Jake Armstrong: Hi Chris! Someone murdered an Elder Witch! Also, I think Cassie’s boobies might be leading me into a redemption arc!
Grandma Jane: Hi Cassie! Did you have fun at Grandpa Chamberlain’s cabin? You know, the place I was never at?
Cassie Blake: But your scarf was inside!
Grandma Jane: I’m sure that minor inconsistency isn’t important at all! We should have cookies!
Just a few quick comments.
I like what they’re doing with Charles Meade. Without his magic (or the magic-enabling crystals), he’s a sad sack of a little man. But with magic, he’s a take-no-shit, do-what-I-want-and-to-hell-with-you-if-you-don’t-like-it asskicker. This is the guy we saw in the first episode. Charles has no confidence in himself, but he has utter confidence in his magic.
I’m predicting that Charles goes completely to the dark side, and Dawn ends up being the one that takes him down. Or is at least instrumental in his defeat. One way or the other, Charles is going to be the start of her redemption arc.
Jake showing Cassie hot to do solo magic was hot, and not just because they made a fire. Of course, there’s probably a reason entire web sites are devoted to naughty school girls and the teachers that have to… manage them.
I also love Jake’s continuing inner conflict. I’m not wild about the “if you have blue eyes, blond hair, and nice boobs, you can totally reform your abusive boyfriend” message, but if I set aside any social commentary, this plot line works for me.
I’m intrigued by this John Blackwell guy, and want to know more about him. I’m a sucker for hidden evil. This is one of TVD‘s go-to tropes, and it works so well there, I’m excited to see TSC taking a similar approach.