Cassie Blake: Hi Grandma! Any idea what this Satanic Parchment, which coincidentally has your initials in flowing, Gothic script, is all about?
Grandma Jane: I have magic Alzheimer’s!
Holden Glaser: Hi Melissa! I will be playing the part of Supportive Out of Town Relative this episode! And also probably Quickly Murdered Extra!
Diana Meade: Hi Holden! I’m going to pretend that I don’t really remember you!
Melissa Glaser: But that’s silly! You had the biggest crush in the world on him! You remember! You were always over at our house, trying to impress him with your homemade jewelry and academic accomplishments!
Diana Meade: I’m going to go hang out with someone emotionally supportive! Like Faye!
Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Faye! What brings you to my office this fine, sunny afternoon?
Faye Chamberlain: …The haunting memories of my grandfather’s bloated corpse?
Dawn Chamberlain: Oh right! I forgot all about that, what with $SOCIAL_EVENT_THAT_WILL_END_IN_BLOODSHED coming up so soon!
Faye Chamberlain: Thanks for the pep talk, mom! I’m going to go stick pins into your voodoo doll now.
Cassie Blake: …And this is our inner sanctum, with all kinds of tools, artifacts, spells, and personal objects that an unscrupulous individual could use to magic us to death!
Jake Armstrong: Yoink!
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Jake! Is that a stolen object of personal significance and magical power in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Jake Armstrong: It’s… my family gemstone… which I’m totally going to put on my recently deceased brother’s grave, and not use to murder all of you!
Cassie Blake: See! Totally innocent! Now let’s get to deciphering the infernal script on this hell-parchment!
Jake Armstrong: It’s actually not in code… the pages are just stuck together.
Cassie Blake: …Is this a witch porno?
Jake Armstrong: It’s a family tree. See, here’s your grandfather, here’s your dad, here’s you, and here’s the eldritch hellspawn from which you all descend.
Diana Meade: Hi Cassie! I searched all over WiccanAncestry.com and EvilGeneology.com, but I didn’t find anything about your family!
Cassie Blake: Oh well! I guess the only responsible thing to do is go to $SOCIAL_EVENT_THAT_WILL_END_IN_BLOODSHED! I’m taking jake! Did you happen to meet any extras that could fill the void left in your… heart by Adam?
Jake Armstrong: Hi Chris! Cassie is the great-great-great-great granddaughter of Balcorne!
Chris Argent: But we eradicated the Balcorne line!
Jake Armstrong: Actually, they just changed their name to Blackwell. Anyway, I’m going to go see if there’s any evidence in Cassie’s underwear drawer.
Cassie Blake: Calvin! Hey Calvin! You didn’t go and get yourself murdered by an evil cult of witch hunters, did you? Because that would be really unhelpful.
Cassie Blake: Hi Jake! I think the odd yet friendly shopkeeper got eaten by wookies and also can you believe that Google doesn’t know anything about the dark secrets of my evil family’s hidden past and also I think we should go on a date tee hee!
Jake Armstrong: Sorry babe, I’m still torn between wanting to sex you and having to murder you.
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Adam! I’m convinced that Jake has some sort of nefarious plan that will lead to our inevitable doom!
Adam Conant: And this isn’t because he’s hanging out with Cassie?
Faye Chamberlain: Not just because he’s hanging out with Cassie.
Melissa Glaser: Hi Diana! You shouldn’t use my cousin as a rebound guy!
Diana Meade: It’s going to be really hard to write a joke about this scene, isn’t it?
Holden Glaser: Damn near impossible!
Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Charles! Are you done with the Magic Rock yet, or do you have more bodies to poorly hide in places my daughter will certainly discover them?
Jake Armstrong: …It’s really convenient that Cassie never bothers to close the curtains when she’s getting dressed.
Cassie Blake: Hi Grandma! I found this creepy-ass family tree in this wiccan porno mag, and I was wondering if you knew anything about it!
Grandma Jane: I still have magic Alzheimer’s!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Cassie! Wanting to sleep with you is currently trumping having to kill you, so let’s go to a generic social event together!
Charles Meade: Hi Jane! How are you doing?
Grandma Jane: Drools.
Charles Meade: …Excellent.
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Adam! You should watch Jake and not Diana, and I’m going to go scam drinks from the bartender! See you at the ritual murder!
Cassie Blake: Hi Jake! I have unresolved daddy issues!
Jake Armstrong: …Excellent.
Jake Armstrong’s Android of Evil: Hi Jake! It’s time to murder your crush and all her friends! Hope this isn’t an inconvenient time!
Holden Glaser: Hi Diana! This plot line is still happening!
Chris Argent: Hi Jake! We decided that since we can’t kill your crush without unleashing a Black Thing from the Beyond, we’d just kidnap her and torture her a whole bunch. Thoughts on that?
Adam Conant: That’s odd… Jake and that guy who tried to murder us all with the Magic Chia Pets seem awfully friendly… it’s almost like… is it possible… that Chris Argent reformed?
Jake Armstrong: Hi Cassie! I need you to do two things for me: 1. Don’t ask any questions, and 2. get into this van with “Free Candy” painted on the side.
Cassie Blake: Hi Jake! I’m starting to think you bringing me back to your room was just a lame attempt to bring me back to your room!
Jake Armstrong: Actually, I wanted to show you this Dungeons & Dragons manual, which clearly indicates that you are a Level II Succubus. And while that is initially exciting, the fact that you’re going to sprout scaly wings and then destroy the earth lessens the attraction.
Cassie Blake’s iPhone of Innocence: Dear Cassie: Party is great! Faye scored us good booze! Also Jake is trying to murder you. -Adam
Cassie Blake: So this whole Demon Satanspwan thing is a lot to take in… I think I need some time to think about it. Somewhere in public. Away from any sharp things. Maybe surrounded by my friends. And the police.
Cassie Blake: Well, here I am, alone, in my bedroom, with no easy means of escape. I sure hope no witch hunters are hiding in my closet!
Chris Argent: Hi Cassie! Chloroform!
Joe Random Witchhunter: Hi Jake! Cudgel!
Grandma Jane: Hi Dawn! Remember how you used to love John Blackwell so hard? Drool.
Charles Meade: …Interesting.
Dawn Chamberlain: Nice job with the mindrape, assclown.
Adam Conant: Hi Jake! If I wasn’t such a pussy, I’d kick your ass for putting Cassie in danger!
Jake Armstrong: And if I wasn’t so worried about Cassie, I… still wouldn’t give you the attention necessary to swat you away.
Jake Armstrong: Thanks for coming along, guys! The boat is made out of Magic Plot Material, so we can’t do any spells. Fortunately, this problem can still be solved with a whole lot of stabbing!
Adam Conant: I’m going to go rescue my true love. You guys do something useful, like block all of their bullets or something.
Jake Armstrong: “In the dark they’ll meet their doom, so make the dockside lights go boom!”
Chris Argent: That’s odd… all of these lights are exploding in an unusual… almost supernatural manner. Oh well, it’s probably nothing. Let’s continue our evil plan as-is!
Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! Get ready to owe me all kinds of Thanks For Saving My Life Sex!
Chris Argent: Hi Adam! Get ready to change your pants, because you’re about to piss them!
Cassie Blake: Hey, do you remember what happened the last time you used a Magic Plot Material to block my powers? Something about “Oh God, Oh God, why am I on fire”?
Chris Argent: … This plan may not have been as carefully thought out as I would like.
Jake Armstrong: “A moral lesson I did learn, and so beings my heel/face turn!”
Adam Conant: “A show about witches doing no magic is lame, so make this dock burst into flame!”
Chris Argent: Jake, I’m starting to doubt your commitment to our cause. Also, did you know Cassie has a sibling in the Circle?
Jake Armstrong: Please let it be Adam please let it be Adam please let it be Adam…
The Plot: Thickens.
And so begins Jake’s inevitable turn to the light side.
It wasn’t totally unbelievable – I mean, who hasn’t forsaken deeply-held beliefs and one’s entire social group for a cute girl – but I’m kind of surprised that it wasn’t completed this episode.
No, that’s not quite right. I expected Jake to be kind of an anti-hero for a few episodes; untrusted by the Circle, crushed on by Cassie, helping them out but not really being part of the team… basically, Season Two Damon with blond hair. What I didn’t expect was to see him sail off into the sunset with the team of heartless murderers who he had just betrayed.
I don’t see that ending well for him.
I’m hoping that Cassie’s lineage to the Most Unclean will make her a bit more interesting. She’s a bit too “generic attractive girl” for my taste right now. I like her chemistry with Jake, but I don’t quite buy her as the Harbinger of the End of Men.
Also: my favorite part of writing these recaps is making up titles like that.
I’m also going to make the controversial statement that the show Needs More Faye. The bitch with a heart of gold could pretty much carry this show, if they’d let her… just like Damon carries TVD. I understand that Cassie is the backbone of this show, just like Stelena is the backbone of TVD, but… you work with what you have, right?
Finally: Can someone tell me what the hell “Balcoin” means?