This week on the Web brings you the latest (badass) Batman poster, Klaus’ Original siblings, Breaking Dawn (ten times shorter and one hundred times more honest), Voyager hauling ass for interstellar space, Verizon and Amazon being dicks, a raging bigot running for President, and more!
A Little Less Humbug
Child’s Play: My favorite Christmas charity. These folks are guaranteed not to throw out your donation because it offends their religion.
Pop Culture
Sire is going up to $5.99 on January 1st: Get it while it’s cheap.
Sire book club: Come join our discussion on the hottest teenage vampire novel written by a guy named Thomas of 2011! This link is to Chapter One, and you can follow the links inside to the next chapters.
Vampire Diaries scoop: Delana gets hotter, Stefan gets revenge, and Mystic Falls gets pissed: Is it January yet?
Vampire Diaries: Klaus’ brothers revealed: Commence squeeing and/or calling for someone’s violent death as appropriate.
Chris Zylka joins Secret Circle full-time: He plays Jake, and his chest plays Cassie’s love interest.
Bane leaves Batman broken: The new Dark Knight Rises poster, which is awesome.
Every episode of What Not to Wear ever: It’s kind of horrible.
J.J. Abrams and Mark Schwahn join forces for a new CW pilot: Which is being compares to Felicity and One Tree Hill. Apropos of nothing, Kerri Russel is beautiful.
Theater sets aside seats for Twitter users: I have, on a completely unofficial basis, implemented this same policy at my local theater. The seats are located in the nearest Emergency Room.
Final Fantasty VII remade with the Unreal engine: God, if they would just get around to remaking this game, they could literally print money with it.
If Breaking Dawn 4 Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest: This is kind of awesome.
The rules of magic according to fifty great fantasy series: Excuse me while I go lose the rest of my day.
I don’t even know what to file this under maybe WTF?
H&M: our bikini models are just real models’ heads pasted onto a computer-generated “ideal” body: I don’t even know.
Bah Humbug
Amazon offers 15% off if you scan an item in-store, then order it online: Genius move or dick move, I’m not sure which. Probably both.
Fireplace for your home: So you can stream video of a fireplace on Netflix now.
Die Old
Eating fish once a week may cut cardiovascular disease in women by 90%: I’m too tired to run the numbers myself and make sure the “90%” part isn’t bullshit, but regardless, eating fish is a fantastic idea. And as soon as I’m out of Oreos, I will return to doing so. #FuckItTillNewYears
Science!
Voyager is about to reach interstellar space: How awesome is it that a man-made object is about to leave our solar system? Very awesome. And it’ll be even more awesome when aliens find it, trick it out, and send it back out way.*
Computers and Technology
Verizon: Excited about Google Wallet? Well fuck you then: Another corporation acting like an asshole. Shocking.
Amazon recruits authors to its lending program: Amazon is doing a bunch of promotion, and offering a bit of money, but there’s a catch: the book has to be a Kindle exclusive. Mark my words: within five years, and probably sooner, we’re going to be bitching about how Amazon is abusing it’s monopoly.
Politics and Religion
Obama channels Roosevelt’s ‘New Nationalism’: I watched part of this speech over lunch; when he flatly said Regan’s trickle-down economics “don’t work”, people started fucking applauding. Good on him for calling the GOP out on their bullshit. Next step: change words into actions.
Why health insurance is a losing bet: Yours truly opines.
Between 2008 and 2010, 30 corporations spend more money lobbying than they paid in taxes: Ask not what your country can do for you…
Little boy talks to Michele Bachmann about his gay mom: “My mommy’s gay but she doesn’t need fixing.” Damn right, son. Also: this kid was not coached to say this, according to an eye-witness. Also also: fuck you, Michele Bachmann.
Rick Perry is a bigot: And it turns out homophobia doesn’t play well on the internets. This thing had 15,2822 thumbs-down when I first saw it. Chances are it will have been removed from the ‘tubes by the time you read this.
This is how you deal with peaceful protesters : What in the flying fuck is so hard to understand about “make no law”? I can kind of understand how these dipshits have trouble parsing “petition the government for redress of grievances”, because that’s a mouthful, but aren’t there supposed to be lawyers and stuff who can explain why these people are exercising a constitutionally protected right? (via The Lady)
Former Delta consultant: Airport security is bullshit: I know, I know, you’re all surprised.
School administrator takes standardized tests, declares them bullshit: Although he’s a bit more eloquent than that. (via Brian Cummings)
Church overturns ban on interracial couples: “Shit, Paw! They done caught us bein’ biggated ass pirates!” “Well fuck, Ma! Guess we durn better pretend to not be shitheels fer a while! Yeehaw!”
A Brief History of the Apocalypse: I would like to point out that the fourth entry on this list is Jesus Christ, who said (sometime around 30AD): “Verily I say unto you, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”
Final Fantasy VII is so overrated. It’s not a bad game, it’s just not as awesome as the hype would lead you to believe. That being said, I’m very surprised that Square Enix hasn’t remade it with shiny new graphics yet. They spend more time remaking the older FFs than making new ones. (Seriously, they’ve remade Final Fantasy IV five times… and I have every single one.) But maybe that’s not a bad thing, considering XIII was garbage, XIV is a failure, XI is just a time and money sink, and X and XII are “meh” at best.
The world of JRPGs has made me sad in the past few years. I’ve been looking forward to Western RPGs way more than JRPGs, which is too bad because I have about three bookshelves that show I love my JRPGs.
Julie Plec is bound and determined to get rid of me. TWO Thomas Dekker look-alikes for Original Siblings? Couldn’t get ONE dude, and a Claire Holt look-alike? See, now they REALLY have to write well. I’m not watching a sausage fest with the sound off. I’ve about had it up to here with Jewish Vikings.
I hate the Jake character on TSC. He looks like Ivan Drago – The Formative Years, when he was a happy boy, and the steppes were alive with the sound of music; before he was turned into a Rocky-breaking machine.
Of course, that could be just the envy talking, Cassie’s Newton Cradle doesn’t tick-tock when it’s pressed up against his abs.
Obama went into the belly of the beast (Kansas) to deliver a speech that should’ve been part of his inaugural address. At this point, I’m certain that was a campaign speech. He’s not going to find any real strength until he has more, and stronger allies in Congress. I think the “Stick” speech was designed to lengthen his coat-tails in November 2012.
I don’t think Obama is, or should be, worried about his own job. The Republicans have managed to steer into a perfect storm, where they’ve put forth a slate of candidates that gets the pulse of the 30-33% of the country they can count on as their base racing, but has no chance of capturing enough of the center to win a general election.
This field is SO batshit crazy, Santorum, the ULTIMATE Conservative Christian, Right-Swing Republican Straight White American Male; can’t get any attention for, or traction with his own bigotry and small mindedness.
The ultimate nominee is headed for Doleville. The tea leaves currently tell me Obama is re-elected by 8-12%. I’m seeing 56-44, 54-46, something like that.
DATELINE – Pikeville, KY. Stopped reading there. ‘Nuff said.
And, I tried to find a complimentary source to confirm Christ’s quote from 30AD. No one responded to me e-mails. They all tasted death over 1900 years ago.
Hi Ellyria,
FFVII was my favorite game of pretty much ever (aside from The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, which is the greatest game ever made and I will cut a bitch is anyone disagrees with me), but that was back when I was in my mystical woowoo phase, so the story resonated with me. I’m not sure how I’d react to it today.
I will say, however, that Sephiroth was a BAMF.
But so many people have a hard on for FFVII that it’s hard to believe they haven’t remade it. It would literally print money for them.
I am looking forward to Skyward Sword, too.
Hi Brian,
We really aren’t TVD‘s target demographic. We should count ourselves lucky that we get as much fanservice as we do.
I kind of love Jake. If for no other reason than he’s a vast improvement over the piece of wood carved into the shape of a warlock he replaced.
Right now, everything Obama does is campaigning. I think he’ll win, but it’s not going to be a cakewalk. There are enough idiots, and enough people who have been scammed into voting against their own interests, that he’s going to have to compete for this thing.
But the coattails will be a big thing, too. If I was a Democrat strategist, I would have Obama out there saying that a vote for a Republican is a vote for gridlock, a vote for the 1%, and a vote for a recession. Just pound on the fact that if you let the Republicans have a single seat, they will use it to fuck every single piece of legislation that comes up for a vote.
I kind of love watching the Tea Partiers try to out-crazy each other, but I’m genuinely scared that America is a place where these assfucks can be taken seriously as Presidential candidates.
And that Jesus quote is a fun one to throw out at “100% true, 100% literal” Evangelical types. Not that I really talk to them much anymore.
Actually, that’s exactly what they are doing.
The Democrats have seized the framing of the argument, with a HUGE assist from Occupy.
In ’04, the Republicans managed to frame any disagreement with Bush as “unpatriotic.” The Patriot Act and Iraq War were the two biggies. I was working for the one guy, out of a field of nine candidates for the Democratic Nomination who had a vote, and DID vote against both.
We nominated the guy who was for both before he was against both, and the sitting President managed to keep it close enough that vote spoilage beat the “flip-flopper from Massachusetts.”
Fast forward to today, and NOTHING is going to take the economy and jobs out of the top spot on the voters’ priority list. Unless the economy suddenly and unexpectedly gets hot, in which case Obama rides it home easily to a 2nd term.
That’s going to marginalize the social conservatives (again, I STILL can’t get over how deep the Republicans are in crazy that Santorum is just 2nd runner up in Miss Crazy 2012). Yeah, you can count on the evangelicals to vote against their economic self-interest, but now that the argument is framed as “99% vs. 1%” you’re going to see a LOT less of people in trailer parks voting to give their BOSS a tax break.
Romney (this year’s model “flip-flopper from Massachusetts), and Gingrich are the 1%. Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman are vying for the title this year’s Kucinich (may be crazy enough to be right) and the rest of the field is social conservatives.
But the language is the key. Things like Obama’s speech in Kansas, and using the 99% vs. 1% are examples of how the country and the Democrats are speaking the same language. If they can stay to it as a coherent strategy, Obama is home free.
I really, really hope they don’t fuck this up.
Talking about the 99%, and fairness, and the American Dream are all solid, winning points. And painting the Republicans as a party solely devoted to stopping any progress on those fronts is also a winning strategy — and true.
The Democrats are just so goddamn stupid sometimes. And spineless. They need to either get in the game or sit down and let someone else play.
And you’re dead on — the fact that Santorum isn’t even in the running for craziest mother lover of the year says a lot about where the Republican party is right now. Reagan would be spinning in his grave.
I was hoping for another female Original :[
I think Julie Plec rules that out a while ago, but I’m not certain; I tend to stay away from spoilers.
Honestly, I’m just hoping for MOAR KAT and MOAR BARBIE KLAUS
Female vampires on TVD: Rose: dead, Jenna: dead, Becky: temporarily dead, Isobel: dead/plot device, Pearl: dead, Anna: dead, Bethanne: dead, Lexi: dead, Vicki: dead, Kat: plot device, and Caroline aka The Best.
Oh I always thought that John and the Book of Revelation explained the Jesus quote but maybe that’s a cop-out. *shrug*
And Rick Perry should know better, honestly. Does he seriously think that’s gonna work?
I wouldn’t lump Katherine in the “plot device” category … sometimes she’s naked, too.
Hi nvo,
The Revelation really isn’t about the end of the world, it’s about Roman persecution of first century Christians. It’d kind of a sequel to Daniel’s apocalypse. So, no, it wouldn’t qualify as seeing the coming of the kingdom of god.
And no, Perry doesn’t know better. I’m amazed there’s enough in his brain to keep his skull from collapsing.
Oh obsessively literal Christians. So stupid how that quote is supposed to mean that Jesus was coming back in a couple years but all the times he said you’ll never know are ignored. But I could go on about stupid Christians all days. I know the two things spend a lot of time together but you’d think more people would realize that stupidity and faith don’t have to go hand in hand. Apparently not.
I won’t lie about being disappointed that both new Originals are guys. Every female cast on this show ends up awesome. Well except Greta but she drank kool-aid. Why can’t we have more awesome ladies?
I’m sure I’m missing something but I’ve been ignoring the TVD fandom over the hiatus. What is this MOAR business and should I be incoporating the word into my daily vocabulary?
Along with Child’s Play (an excellent charity) may I also suggest people call their local foster care office. These kids are often ignored over the holidays as people assume the foster parents will get them gifts (not true) or ignore them completely. The teens especially get overlooked as people decide they’d rather give a gift to the 3 year old then the 16 year old. Despite the 16 year old having been shuffled around in multiple homes and ignored for Christmas and birthdays over hte last 8 years. So yeah, if you want to do some good and you want to be even more local, get involved with the foster care department.
Finally, on the airport security thing, oh my word. So I’ve now been stopped four times and gone through the pat-down and bag search. Once it was over a crochet needle. Note that knitting needles are permitted but apparently I constituted a threat with a crochet needle. Twice it was because I moved about a milimeter in the x-ray machine. And at Thanksgiving, I was stopped because the Dominion cards in my suitcase registered as a weapon. Dominion. As in the fantasy card game. However, my brother walks through with a number of explosive chemical residues on his bag and all he had to say was that he’s a biology student. Also my sister had pepper spray in her purse last week and wasn’t stopped. Stupid fraking system!
Hi Melissa,
I honestly don’t take a whole lot of comfort knowing that people believe that the God is going to end the world, four horsemen, beast with seven heads, etc etc, but are adamant that the date is unknown. End of the world cults frighten me, and the details don’t particularly matter.
I think TVD has a pretty solid lineup of women; I can understand wanting more Barbie Klaus types, but this show has done pretty right by the ladies so far.
MOAR is just an intentional misspelling of “more”. It’s lolcat speak.
That’s really depressing, re: foster children. This world really disgusts me somethimes.
I just don’t fly anymore. My definition of “within driving distance” has steadily increased over the years. It’s up to about 11 hours now.