And lo, the prophets did speak of a dark time that should fall upon the earth, when fangs would not flash, whiskey would not clang, and eyebrows would not act. In this dark time, sarcasm would not echo in the air, and nary a forehead would be touched in intimacy, for the dark sorceress Plec had retreated into the night, to recoup and to recover.
The prophecy was true, but it was incomplete.
For the fell necromancer Williamson, long a cohort of the Dark One, and himself schooled in the ways of the macabre theatre, had followed Plec into seclusion.
Gone from our televisions were the exploits of a bubbly blond demnspawn. Absent from our Thursdays were the deep-V shirt of her blond counterpart, who is not her half-brother and if you say otherwise I will stab you with a fork. Missing from the air was the bead-bedecked bosom of a young Australian model.
The hellatus, that vile thing spoken of is harsh tones and acidic whispers, had grown strong, and another show had fallen to its appetite.
And the days did become weeks, and our spirits did suffer.
For a dark power stirred in the blond hellchild, brought forth with renewed vigor by the rested and refreshed Williamson. A force both wild and wicked surged through her, compelling her to acts of power and darkness. And as she felt the untamed magics rushing through her, she did speak … “I kinda like it.”
Jake Armstrong: Hi Cassie!
Cassie Blake: Eep!
The Lady of the Manor: Call a girl. Jesus, you people. Does anyone on the CW own a phone, or is it all “sneak into your dark room and deliver a cryptic message” mail these days?
Jake Armstrong: Sorry about selling you and your friends out to a bunch of guys that wanted to murder you for the vile crime of being born! On the bright side, I’ve turned over a completely new leaf, and an ready to proceed with sexytimes!
Cassie Blake: Your proposal is interesting, however … Super Cassie force choke powers activate!
Jake Armstrong: This crushed larynx and ruptured spleen are most uncomfortable!
The Lady of the Manor: Go on now, Cassie Vader!
Thomas: Darth Blake!
Bonnie Bennet: Wait, this happens to you, too?
Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! Just dropped by to see how you’re feeling!
Cassie Blake: Aside from the recurring dreams of murder and mayhem, I’m feeling great!
Adam Conant: So, still evil?
Cassie Blake: Still evil.
Adam Conant: Hey! Maybe your mother passed down good magic, and that will trump your father’s bad magic!
Cassie Blake: And maybe pigs will fly out of my butt!
Adam Conant: I actually know a spell for that. I’m planning to use it if Jake ever comes back into town.
Diana Meade: Grandma Kate! How nice of you to drop by with no warning and for an extended period of time! What brings you into town?
Grandma Kate: Oh, you know! Just came by to catch up with you, emasculate my son, murder your new best friend, and sacrifice a child in order to remain looking like I’m thirty years old, despite being a “grandmother.”
Diana Meade: Great! See you after school!
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Melissa! Why so mopey?
Melissa Glaser: Because my boyfriend was murdered by a demon?
Faye Chamberlain: Yeah, like three episodes ago! The audience has already mentally dubbed Jake into all of the scenes Nick was in! Which kind of means you had sex with him! Which kind of makes me hate you! Bee Tee Dub, wanna go practice black magic in the shady part of town?
Melissa Glaser: …I hate you. Pick me up at six.
Grandma Kate: Hi Dawn! Just dropped by to offer threatening condolences about all of the mysterious harm befalling the Elders in this town, and to call BS on your fake romance with Charles. Have you ever seen a frog in a microwave? Because I can do that with my brain! See you at the PTA meeting!
Dawn Chamberlain: …Swear words.
Diana Meade: Hi Adam! Mind if I ask why you’re googling “how to tell if the blond girl I totally want to have sex with is a demon succubus from the pits of hell and if so do I still need to use protection”?
Adam Conant: Oh, you know! Cassie is going through a lot of changes these days, and she wants to know if she should go on the pill before she inevitably sleeps with
Jake me. And if she’s going to manifest as the antichrist and destroy the work in a hail of smoke and brimstone.
Diana Meade: So that’s a “yes” on the antichrist thing, then?
Melissa Glaser: So is anyone worried about how Cassie keeps trying to choke people with her brain?
Faye Chamberlain: To be fair, this is the first time she’s actually chocked anyone with her brain.
Cassie Blake: Thank you!
Faye Chamberlain: She lit the other guy on fire with her brain.
Cassie Blake: Never mind.
Adam Conant: Cassie, it’s all right! I don’t mind if you’re a little rough, we just need to think of a safe word. Maybe “ack ack I’m dying oh God I’m dying”.
Cassie Blake: And it is once again time to blow this popsicle stand.
Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Charles! Your mother dropped by the office and threatened to turn me into a goldfish in a blender. And then turning that blender on.
Charles Meade: Fear not, my beloved! I shall talk sternly to my mother, and she shall never bother you again!
Dawn Chamberlain: Yeah? ‘Cuase I was thinking we should just kill her.
Diana Meade: Hi Cassie! Nice attraction spell you’ve got going there, but you really don’t need it. Adam has been humping your leg with his eyes since you got into town. But you probably know that, because I came over her last night crying about how I had to break up with the only man I’ve ever loved because he was in love with you.
Cassie Blake: Oh, I’m not trying to attract Adam! I’m trying to attract Jake.
Diana Meade: You mean the guy who tried to murder us with his herb garden? Why would you want to attract him?
Cassie Blake: Well, I’m not trying to attract his clothes.
Diana Meade: …Oh.
Melissa Glaser: Um, did you steal this page out of Cassie’s Book of Shadows?
Faye Chamberlain: Oh come on, it’s not like she’s going to discover my treachery and remove my gall bladder through my nose with her brain or anything! Besides, this page is a totally new kind of magic that we’ve never ever tried before, and have no knowledge of, and might summon the dark forces of hell! And I think I can do it solo!
Melissa Glaser: Faye, you’re the hottest girl on this show. You don’t need to do it solo.
Faye Chamberlain: Right? That’s why I found this guy!
Melissa Glaser: TotallyGenuineVoodooNoReallyItsLegitAndNotFakeAtAll.GeoCities.com? Is GeoCities even still alive?
Faye Chamberlain: See! He can bring web sites back from the dead! He’s a necromancer!
Melissa Glaser: You’re going to wake up in a parking lot wearing some dude’s shirt again, aren’t you?
Faye Chamberlain: Hopefully!
Diana Meade: Hi Grandma Kate! This is Cassie Blake!
Grandma Kate: Oh, you must be the daughter of the witch who nearly destroyed us all by consorting with the demon, and did in fact bring forth the vile spawn of woe, AKA you!
Cassie Blake: …
Grandma Kate: I mean, so nice to meet you, and sorry for your loss.
Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Charles! Let’s open our mouths and angrily jam our tongues together, as we have so often done in the past, and are completely comfortable doing!
Charles Meade: 0_o I mean: :-*
Grandma Kate: …Yeah, that was authentic.
Grandma Kate: So, about the strange deaths and illnesses befalling my peers?
Charles Meade: So, about the obviously poisoned wine that is obviously poisoned?
Dawn Chamberlain: Charles, honey? If I was going to murder someone, I’d do it by letting you touch a boob in exchange for making their head explode.
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Lee! Nice bungalow! How long have your parents owned it? Do you do really serious magic like making a rabbit appear out of a hat, or do you just do the small stuff, like picking the wrong card out of a deck?
Lee LaBeque: I am descended from a long line of powerful priests, and command the forces of darkness with my very words!
Faye Chamberlain: Great! Maybe you can command the fell spirits to get you your safety blanket and a warm glass of milk!
Lee LaBeque: I know a spell that involves getting naked.
Faye Chamberlain: Let’s go!
Adam Conant (via brick through the window): Hi Diana! Can I come up and talk about you like you aren’t even there? XOXO -Adam
Cassie Blake: So, did you come here to make sure I didn’t murder your ex with my brain?
Adam Conant: No, I came here to see you two in your underwear. And to let you both know that you’re way more important to me than Diana ever was. See you guys in class!
Lee LaBeque: Okay, in this spell, you take off your shirt, and I rub your boob, and then I use my magic wand to
Melissa Glaser: Aaaaaand we’re done here.
Grandma Kate: Hi Cassie! I couldn’t help but notice that you have dark magic inside of you!
Cassie Blake: So … is there like a cream I can use?
Grandma Kate: As a matter of fact there is! It’s made out of mandrake root!
Cassie Blake: … Isn’t mandrake the stuff witches use to murder other witches?
Grandma Kate: Meet me in Dead Body Woods at midnight, and I’ll give you a jar!
Diana Meade: Hey Cassie? Do you remember how our parents told my Grandma’s generation about their magic, and then there was all this fire and sorrow and death, and then they couldn’t do any magic any more?
Cassie Blake: …Yeah?
Diana Meade: Great! Because I just wanted to tell you that I trust my Grandma completely and you should do anything she ever asks you even if its something weird like cutting your hand open and bleeding on a magic death totem!
Cassie Blake: Okay!
Faye Chamberlain: “Stupid bowl made out of glass, shatter with a big old crash!”
The Glass Bowl: …
Faye Chamberlain: …I really need to stop falling for that old “let me touch your boob and something magical will happen” line.
Melissa Glaser: Don’t beat yourself up, Faye! I mean, which one of us hasn’t taken out clothes off for some guy just because he has a really cheesy GeoCities site and a web cam and he says he’s going to make you a star and of course you have to be naked that’s how everyone gets their start no really the big roles where you get to leave your clothes on come later!
Faye Chamberlain: … So can we go murder him with our brains?
Melissa Glaser: No?
Grandma Kate: Okay, I’ve prepared the ceremony site. Now, this might seem a little creepy, but I just want you to know that
Cassie Blake: Oh, its okay! Diana told me that you’re cool and that I should do anything you ever ask me even if its something weird like cutting my hand open and bleeding on a magic death totem!
Grandma Kate: …Well that was easier than I expected. Super elder knocking Cassie out with my brain (and a death tree root) powers activate!
Diana Meade: That’s odd … why does Grandama have a copy of Murdering a Cute Young Demonspawn Before She Can Usher In The End of Days for Dummies? … Oh poop.
Diana Meade: Hi Adam! I think I might have done a bad thing with Cassie last night!
Adam Conant: Yeah you did, you bad girl you!
Diana Meade: …I told her to go into the woods with my Grandmother, who is carrying a bottle full of mandrake and a subscription to Witch Murder Quarterlyin her suitcase.
Adam Conant: …The picture in my head was a lot hotter than that.
Charles Meade: Hi Dawn! I found out that my mother is lying to me, and probably plotting some nefarious plot!
Dawn Chamberlain: You know what would solve this problem? Giving me the crystal so I can murder her with my brain!
Charles Meade: You know what else would solve this problem? Sucking my big old magic wand.
Dawn Chamberlain: … I liked you a lit better when you were whipped.
Grandma Kate: Hi Cassie! I waited until you woke up so I could tell you that my cleansing spell is foolproof, and has no lasting ill effects! Except death. Super elder burying Cassie alive with my brian powers activate!
Cassie Blake: Grandma Kate! No! I’m not Ryan Reynolds!
Adam Conant: Well, we’re at Pile of Corpses Canyon, but Cassie could be any
Cassie Blake: Super Cassie blowing up the coffin and exploding out of the ground with my dark brain powers activate!
Adam Conant: where.
Diana Meade: Cassie! Are you all right?
Cassie Blake: …Your grandmother is not a nice person. And for the record? If she offers to give you a cookie and tuck you into bed? Say no.
Charles Meade: Hi Mom! You seem to be acting all nefarious and shifty tonight! What’s up with that?
Grandma Kate: Oh, you know, made a casserole, did some knitting, tried to murder Cassie Blake, watched Dancing With the Stars.
Charles Meade: … I have to register my strong objections to this development.
Grandma Kate: Also, I know you killed Uncle What’s His Name and mind-whammied Grandma Jane.
Charles Meade: Right then, carry on, avert the apocalypse, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, et cetera et cetera.
Faye Chamberlain: Let’s see … fake blood, fake chicken feathers, The Big Book of Fake VooDoo… yep, this guy is getting brain melted.
Lee LaBeque: Hi Faye! I see that you have seen through my cleaver ruse! But! What you don’t know is that I really am descended from a long line of powerful Voodoo priests, and that I can give you back your magic, if you’re willing to engage in a simple series of tantric sex rituals!
Faye Chamberlain: Okay!
Diana Meade: So yeah, I’m totally sorry about telling you to trust my grandmother. You’d really think I would have remembered all of the children she lured into the house with candy, and their anguished screams as she slowly, lovingly drew the life out of their very marrow.
Cassie Blake: Oh, no, it’s cool. I mean, I thought she made a really good chicken francaise. Mistakes were made on both sides.
Diana Meade: You’re so understanding!
Cassie Blake: Yeah, well, it helps that I’m picturing you on fire, burning but somehow unable to die.
Diana Meade: …
Cassie Blake: And that, you know, I could make it happen.
Diana Meade: Wibble.
Cassie Blake: Being a satanseed is awesome! Hey, did you remember to DVR Gossip Girl?
The Plot: Thickens
Guys? I kinda love Cassie.
She wasn’t anything special in the first few episodes. Just kind of a bland, go-ahead-and-insert-yourself-into-the-story lead character. But now? Now she’s turning evil, and she’s turning awesome. And it’s really cool that Britt Robertson has the chops to pull it off.
It’s no secret that I love a good anti-hero. What’s interesting is that, until now, this whole “walk on the dark side” thing was talked about, but never shown. Sure, she’s had access to powers denied the rest of the circle, but she always used them for good, to protect herself and the others.
Not anymore. Now she’s straight-up force choking bitches, in true Darth Vader style. And I love it.
I’m kind of disappointed with the turn Faye has taken recently. I think they’ve lost sight of the mean-girl-with-a-broomstick thing she had going earlier on, and that I found so interesting. Fortunately, it looks like this will be fixed in the next episode.
Also: “hey, I know this great spell, all I have to do is feel you up?” Kinda brilliant, not gonna lie. I am convinced that that’s how the whole “skyclad” thing got started.
Adam walking into Diana’s room to tell Cassie (and Diana) that Diana didn’t deserve to know what Cassie and Adam were doing? Dick move, my friend. Dick move. Also: way to make sure you never hit that ever again.
Finally: to everyone suggesting that either Adam or Jake is the other Balcoin child? Jesus Christ riding a pink raptor, stop it. Cassie has macked on both of them, and if there’s one thing television does not need, it’s another freaking incest plot. Personally, I still hope that Diana is the one to freak out and go all Maleficent on everyone.