Elijah: Hi Klaus! I can see from the look on your face that you’re not the one who set me free, so I’m going to assume it was Damon, since he’s the only one that ever gets off his ass and does anything in this town. And speaking of Damon … do you remember all those scenes where the Salvatore brothers got angry at each other and smashed up their library? How much do you think the fans would love to see us do that?
Klaus: But I just finished redecorating!
manvamp punch! Doorsmash!
Klaus: Chokeslam! Tablecrush! Daggeryonk!
Elijah: Really? You’re going to pull the dagger out of him and use it on me? You would really rather deal with someone who … well, let’s not give the fans too much info at once.
Klaus: Right you are! Oh by the way, I murdered Dad with his Enchanted Slaughter Stick and the Salvatores have our mother. That last bit’s supposed to be a secret, but it’s all over Twitter.
Elijah: Wow, some people are real dicks.
Klaus: Right? I mean sure I’ll have a hybrid bite barbiepire on her birthday and then storm in like a boss and give her a wrist job and a thousand-caret bracelet, but eve I wouldn’t spoil the biggest TVD mystery of the season!
Elijah: You have truly grown noble in the
years months days I have slumbered, brother.
Klaus: You know it! Hey, speaking of noble, remember how you made a promise to stand by my side forever and always? Well Taylor Swift totally stole your catch phrase. Also, remember how you forgot to add an “unless you turn out to be an utter bastard who murdered our mother and then our father and then leaves our entire family to rot for decades at a time” claus? Well I’d like to capitalize on that oversight!
Alaric Saltzman: Morning Elena! Have I told you that I love living here? Because it’s awesome having a teenage girl to talk to about my rampant alcoholism and failed love life!
Elena Gilbert: You do remember that I’m your student, right? And that we’re kind of depending on you to pay the mortgage? ‘Cause “lynch pin of a vampire love triangle” and “hybrid blood donor” don’t exactly pay well and we sent Jeremy out of town, so that fat bus boy paycheck isn’t rolling in any more.
Alaric Saltzman: I drunk dialed Meredith last night!
Elena Gilbert: Don’t get fired, is what I’m saying.
The Lady of the Manor: Sure, like Alaric is still physically capable of getting a hangover.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Elena! Just dropped by to let you know that the Medical Examiner was murdered with a Gilbert Family Stake and the murder weapon is covered in your fingerprints! Any ideas on what may have transpired?
Elena Gilbert: I bet it was a shapeshifting were-ocelot working with a New Orleans voodoo priest!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Why, that’s what I was thinking!
The Lady of the Manor: Elena’s family has personalized vampire-killin’ stakes? Awesomesauce.
Neville the Corgipire: They need to be more careful with their fetch sticks!
Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Come on, Elena! You know that were-ocelots leave a distinctive bite pattern around the victim’s nuzzle region! It must have been Meredith, who used to date the guy, and who was fighting with the guy right before he died, and who bloodjacked me, and who is crazy enough to be dating Alaric!
Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): You’re on speaker phone, dick.
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Come on, Damon, there’s no way the writers are mean enough to put Alaric in Another doomed relationship, right?
Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): …
Damon Salvatore (on the phone): …
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Poop.
Damon Salvatore (on the phone): Anyway, I’m going to go drive the audience wild with homoerotic tension. Talk to you later!
Elijah: Hi Damon! I got your note!
Damon Salvatore’s Note: Dear Elijah: All of these people suck and are ugly. Let’s be awesome and hot together. xoxo -Damon
Damon Salvatore: So quick question: I stole this Magic Coffin of Not Opening, and Klaus seems really nervous about whatever’s inside. Any idea what might have him so spun up?
Elijah: You’re not on Twitter, are you?
Stefan Salvatore: So Bonnie! And … Bonnie’s Mother … You guys sure did screw things up, didn’t you? I mean, if Damon hadn’t been around to bat cleanup you two would have succeeded in giving Klaus everything he wants, losing all of our leverage, and probably assured the doom of everyone you care about!
Abby Bennet Wilson: I have a pouch full of herbs!
The Lady of the Manor: And those will certainly prove invaluable.
Stefan Salvatore: Anyway, I was thinking you could help make up for your incredible uselessness by opening this here Magic Coffin and finally providing us with a weapon we could use against Klaus!
Abby Bennet Wilson: I don’t have any powers!
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, I know. Honestly? I just need a place to stash you until the writers decide it’s time to tell the audience what everyone on Twitter already found out.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! Just dropped by to ask if you happened to murder a medical examiner with one of my family’s personalized weapons and then somehow left my fingerprints all over the crime scene!
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, I see how it is. A guy goes on one six month murder spree, leaving a trail of bodies that would make the worst human serial killers in history bleed with jealous, then spends a couple of months playing henchman to the guy responsible for all of the terror and torment you’ve suffered over the last two and a half seasons, then kidnaps you and threatens to murder you in the same way your parents died, and suddenly he’s the prime suspect in every little murder in town! Did you even ask Damon if he staked the guy?
Kate Linnea Welsh: Protip: When you ARE a murderer, you lose the right to be mad at people who suggest you might be a murderer.
Thomas: Please. The only person Damon’s staked lately was Elena. With his penis.
Meredith Fell: Hi Caroline! Your dad sure was mad that I used vampire blood to save his life!
Caroline Forbes: I know, right? It’s like the guy’s a walking metaphor for religious bigotry and gay rights and hypocrisy!
Meredith Fell: Anyway, I signed his discharge papers last night, just so he’d shut the hell up! Try not to bite anyone on the way out!
Caroline Forbes: Okay! I’ll just call my dad and find out where he went!
Bill Forbes’ Phone: Bleedeybleep! Bleedeybleep! Bleedeybleep!
Caroline Forbes: That’s odd, I can hear my dad’s phone ringing inside that janitor’s closet! The one with the pool of blood leaking out from under the door. Wait a second …
Bill Forbes: Hi Caroline! I’ve been murdered! X-(
Neville the Corgipire: He was mean to that nice doggy! I’m glad he’s dead!
The Lady of the Manor: Ding dong, the deadbeat dad’s dead!
Thomas: This episode is awesome already!
Elena Gilbert: Um, actually, what with the vampire blood in his system …
Bill Forbes: Hi Caroline! I’m undead! :-(=
Neville the Corgipire: This development sucks!
The Lady of the Manor: …But he got better.
Thomas: I take it back!>
Abby Bennet Wilson: Hey Bonnie, look at what I Just found! Your Baby’s First Spell Book says that we can unlock the Magic Coffin … if we can somehow assemble two generations of witches that can read some Latin backwards!
Bonnie Bennet: Why, we’re two generations of witches!
Abby Bennet Wilson: And I just got the Learn Latin Backwards program from Rosetta Stone Software!
Bonnie Bennet: This is remarkably convinient!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I’m naked!
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Squee!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! I picked out some clothes for you!
Millions of Girls Across the Nation: Boo!
Damon Salvatore: Anyway, Elijah invited us over for dinner. This is, of course, all a clever ruse designed to give the teenage witch and her daughter time to activate their plot powers.
Stefan Salvatore: Speaking of Elijah, you do remember what happened the last time we trusted him, right? I think it involved a sudden betrayal, the deaths of several people, and Klaus becoming unkillable?
Damon Salvatore: Bro, the fangirls were ready to murder someone. I’d rather face Elijah than a pack of rabid women any day of the week.
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, yeah, that’s fair.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Mr. Forbes! Any chance you saw your attacker?
Bill Forbes: Yeah, like the writers are going to make it that easy on you.
Caroline Forbes: Yeah, okay, in more important news, let’s get you some blood so you don’t die, okay?
Bill Forbes: Never! I’d rather die than be ga- a vampire!
Alaric Saltzman: Hi Elena! I’ve been inventorying all of my weapons! I checked the ones I hide here, the ones I hide in the school, the ones I hide in my apartment, the ones I hide in Damon’s car, the ones I hide in Damon’s closet, the ones I hide under Damon’s bed, the ones I hide under Damon’s pillow, the ones I hide in Damon’s bedside table! And you know what I’ve discovered? The only person who had access to the types of weapon used to murder Meredith’s ex was … Meredith!
Elena Gilbert: Great! Now that we’ve ruled her out as a suspect, we can start looking for the person who will turn out to be the actual murderer in a shocking, yet frustratingly foreseeable turn of events!
Alaric Saltzman: I’m so very lonely.
Klaus: Stefan! Damon! How nice of you to drop by! I had the girls here dress in very revealing clothing and fix us a nice supper! And while this little conversation is bound to end in failure, and quite possibly your painful deaths, let’s enjoy the moment while it lasts! Shall we?
Damon Salvatore: Herk!
Thomas: That look? That’s the look of a man who’s finally realized he’s in over his head.
The Lady of the Manor: Why do all of the vampires on this show eat people food instead of people?
Klaus: So Damon! I wanted to thank you for undaggering my brother here!
Damon Salvatore: Well, I knew how close you two are, and I thought it would be a nice surprise! ;-)
Thomas: That wink? That wink just spawned a thousand slashfics.
Stefan Salvatore: Hey, do you guys remember the time Klaus murdered his mother and then blamed it on his father and then buried his family in magic coffins for centuries at a time?
Damon Salvatore: Hey, do you remember when you killed dad? You might want to dial down the judgement until dessert.
Neville the Corgipire: Do you think they’ll drop any food for me?
Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! So do you really think Meredith vamped my father?
The Lady of the Manor: I do! I do!
Caroline Forbes: Or maybe it was Tyler! He’s all “Klaus is awesome” and “I love Klaus” and “sure I’ll bite my girlfriend for you” and “what it’s your birthday here I got you this bracelet out of a gum ball machine” and “thanks for helping me free myself from Klaus’ evil grip and oh yeah by the way nom nom nom Caroline’s daddy nom” and maybe Klaus had him do it to mess with you?
Elena Gilbert: No, my money’s still on the were-ocelot.
Caroline Forbes: Anyway, I’m going to go in there and shove some blood down his throat so he doesn’t die!
Elena Gilbert: Caroline, no! Everything has been taken from him except one thing: his right to chose for himself! And you should never take away someone’s right to chose for themselves! Unless it’s your brother and you think you know better than him or it’s your aunt and you don’t want her to know you’re banging a vampire or it’s literally anyone else who isn’t doing exactly what I want them to do!
Caroline Forbes: Elena? What was the hardest part about losing your dad?
Elena Gilbert: Well, the horrible screams mixed with the burbling sound as he drown and the look on his face as he sank into the cold embrace of the dark waters of Fell’s Falls River and the way he reached out desperate for salvation only to have me pulled away by the guy I would later have sex with kind of sucked. Also he stopped coming to my birthday parties.
Matt Donovan: Hi guys! I’m in this episode again!
Elena Gilbert: Why are you wearing that helmet?
Matt Donovan: Yeah, so the doctor said that the way I get bashed against a wall every time I’m on screen really isn’t good for me. He said something about “multiple concussion syndrome” and compared me to a professional football player which was cool but then the room started spinning and I forgot who I was and started talking about how I need to meet my sister on the playground for snacks and that really wasn’t as cool.
Elijah: So! Where’s the lovely Elena this fine evening?
Stefan Salvatore: Why don’t you ask Damon that?
Damon Salvatore: Because I don’t keep my girls on a leash?
Elijah: I feel that I am missing something.
Klaus: It’s a long story.
Stefan Salvatore: I went ripper and told Elena I hated her and then she kissed Damon and now I’m pissed.
Klaus: But that’s the abbreviated version. Hey, speaking of abbreviated version, who want’s to know about the Original Petrova?
Thomas: ME ME ME ME ME TELL ME TELL ME NOW TELL ME OR I WILL SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE.
Elijah: So yeah, when we showed up in Virginia in 1,000 CE, we were surprised to find a Bulgarian chick named Tatia had beaten us here! She looked a lot like Nina Dobrev, she’d already had a kid by some guy that we probably murdered, and Klaus and I both had a thing for her.
Thomas: This show really should just call itself Vampires Fighting Over Nina.
Elijah: And our mother was sick of us fighting over her so she took her and used her blood in the spell that turned us into vampires. But we were still jealous of each other, so we spent the next couple of decades cock-blocking each other.
Klaus: But then I was like “dude, bros before hos” and Elijah was like “totally!” and then we swore to never hurt one another unless he made me grumpy in which case I reserved the right to stick a magic dagger in his chest and bury him for a few years.
Stefan Salvatore: You two actually make our family seem functional, you know that?
Bonnie Bennet: The secret of this coffin is bitter …
Abby Bennet Wilson: Reveal what was revealed on Twitter!
The Magic Coffin of Not Opening: Pop!
Abby Bennet Wilson: Cool! Wanna check inside?
Bonnie Bennet: No way! I’m going to go call Damon and tell him I’m about to be useful! Bye bye!
The Magic Coffin of Not Opening: Boom!
Abby Bennet Wilson: …Poop.
Bonnie Bennet (via text message): Dear Damon: just wanted to let you know that I have nothing useful to report! Heading back into the cave to mumble Latin now!
Damon Salvatore: Anyway, here’s what I’ve been thinking. Klaus has a major hard-on for that coffin and we’ve both got major hard-ons for Elena, so why don’t we give you the box, you skip town, we all burry our grudges, and I burry my little vampire in Elena?
Elijah: That sound fair!
Klaus: Okay, three points. One, I still need Elena to make my completely useless hybrid army. Two, both of you have threatened to turn Elena into a vampire against her will, and she’s useless to me with fangs. Three, sitting before me is the greatest assembly of horrible planning the world has ever seen, a pair of men so terrible at plotting the demise of a Big Bad and the protection of their beloved that real vampire slayers actually have a saying: WWTSBDBYSDTEO: What Would The Salvatore Brothers Do Because You Should Do The Exact Opposite. So, in closing, no, I will not be leaving town, and no, I will not be abandoning Elena Gilbert.
The Lady of the Manor: You should share her! It’s a devil’s three-way!
Thomas: That’s a devil’s four way, love. A five-way, if Elijah gets bored.
Dayna Barter: Sign. Me. Up.
The Lady of the Manor: If there are two many girls, it’s a full-blown orgy. Not that I have a problem with that.
Brian Cummings: At some point it stops being a “way” and starts being a gang bang.
Damon Salvatore: Anyway, I’m going to go call my useless wiheheheheather man and see if it’s a good night to take a stroll.
Elijah: I’ll come with you!
Klaus: And I’m gonna eat an extra! :-)=
Matt Donovan: Hey Elena, how come none of the lights in your house work?
Elena Gilbert: Well, either we blew a fuse or we still live in Mystic Falls and are in terrible, terrible danger.
Matt Donovan: Oh cool, I’ll reset the circuit breaker. It’s over by the pool of blood and pile of body parts, right?
Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! I’m dead! x-|
The Twitters: NOOOOOOOO!
Matt Donovan: I’ll call 911!
Elena Gilbert: I have a better idea! He’s wearing a Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying, and since I’m a supernatural creation … stab stab stabity stab!
Alaric Saltzman: Thanks Elena! x-|
Damon Salvatore: Okay Klaus, we’ve made out offer … how about you counter?
Klaus: Okay! Here’s my offer: you two fuck off and leave Elena alone, and her life stops being an unrelenting torrent of horror, loss, and suffering.
Damon Salvatore: And let Matt get her pregnant? Screw that.
Klaus: Or, I could just burn Stefan alive. Kick! Punch! Armbreak! Kneestomp! Firelace!
Damon Salvatore: …I’ll go get the coffin.
Elijah: I’ll come with. I hate the smell of burning Salvatore.
Caroline Forbes: Hi Daddy! can I get you anything? Gin and tonic? Whisky? A tiny sip of blood so you don’t effing die right in front of me?
Bill Forbes: Nah, I’m good. Croak!
Caroline Forbes: Weep!
The Lady of the Manor: I just want to hug that girl and tell her everything’s going to be ok.
Elijah: Hi Klaus! I’ve finally realized that you can’t be trusted! Also? You shouldn’t leave those coffins unlocked …
Kol: Hi brother! Facepunch!
Finn: Yo Klaus! Handpierce!
Rebekah: Hi Nick! Gutstab!
The Lady of the Manor: Ooo, I want some Finn please.
Elijah: Salvatores? Time to peace out. This is family business.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! Can you stay with me and comfort me and hold me?
Matt Donovan: Any chance I’ll get to touch a boob?
Elena Gilbert: Nope!
Matt Donovan: Eh, who am I kidding? I’ll stay anyway.
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, you know what I’ve figured out? That all of my plans are terrible and all of your plans are pretty awesome and I should probably do everything you tell me to do ever.
Damon Salvatore: Speaking of awesome plans, wanna head down to the Viking Cave?
Stefan Salvatore: Sure! Right after I tell the audience that I still love Elena and will always love Elena and Elena Elena Elena and look out world here comes Boring!Stefan!
Sheriff Liz Forbes (on the phone): Hi Elena! Just called to tell you that Meredith has an iron-clad alibi! Good luck not getting murdered tonight!
Alaric Saltzman: Well, I’m alive again. Though at this point, I’m honestly not sure that’s a good thing anymore.
Bonnie Bennet: Hi Guys! I’m unconscious!
The Magic Coffin: And I’m empty!
Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon, you know what I said about your plans always being awesome? I rescind my statement.
Rebekah: Hi Klaus! I’m going to smash the hell out of your new house, then murder Elena!
Elijah: And then we’re all abandoning you!
Klaus: I’m going to murder all of you until you are dead.
Esther: Hi Klaus! You murdered me and locked me in a box and blamed your father and turned our family against each other! And do you know what I’m going to do now?
Klaus: …Kill me?
Esther: No, silly! I’m going to forgive you, then lead this family in a reign of terror that will eclipse the paltry shenanigans the so-called super naturals of this town have reveled in!
The Plot: Thickened on Twitter a couple of hours ago.
So, as you can probably tell from my “I’m no bitter” rantings up above, the shocking surprise and the end of this episode was helpfully ruined for me by someone who is no longer allowed to talk to me on Twitter. This really, really pisses me off, and I want to reiterate: if you send me spoilers, I will block you.
That little kick to the jewels aside, I really liked this episode. I mean, we have The Salvatores sitting down with The Originals in an honest-to-god Gangland Meeting, and it was perfect. The false politeness, the forced smiles, the double entendres … it was pure magic. And then the Originals came out to play, and then all of the squeeing.
The Mysterious Murderer intrigues me. My bet right now is on Katherine, since she has the same finger prints as Elena … although that might be a bit of misdirection. I could also kinda-sorta see Jeremy going to the Dark Side because people keep futzing around in his brain, but that seems kind of unlikely to me. So for right now, my money is solidly on “I don’t know.”
I still want to know what’s up with Alaric’s ring … why did it heal him so fully this time, when it barely got him back to breathing when he was hit by the Hybrid’s Evil Hybrid?
I didn’t care for Bill Forbes’ storyline. Yeah yeah, gay hypocrite, I know. I am glad he’s dead, though. I really, really hated him.
Bonnie wasn’t completely useless! And neither was her mother! They’re still plot devices, as opposed to real characters, but at least they aren’t annoying!
With that, it’s late, so I’m going to sign off for now. I’ll post more thoughts in an update, or in the comments, tomorrow. I’ll leave you with a little shameless self promotion: Sire is on sale, and you can pick it up for just $2.99, and I’d be honored if you’d give it a shot.
Okay, a few more thoughts.
My joke about Boring!Stefan aside, I am a lot more confident in Stefan’s inevitable redemption arc after this week. Those simple words, “I love her,” show that he’s capable of being into – possibly even with – Elena and be a badass. As long as he keeps his edge, he can hook up with whoever he wants.
As for Damon … like I’ve said, I’m a Damon guy, not a Delena guy, so while this sucks for him, I’m not too broken up oer it. And honestly? Damon is at his
best most entertaining when he’s in one of his woe-is-me Elena-loves-Stefan self-destructive spirals. I’m kind of hoping for the return of the neck-snapping, heart-ripping, sorority-chick-banging Damon from Season Two. I don’t want him to be a full-fledged bad guy, but I don’t need him to be an actual good guy, either.
Esther is a wild card for me. After talking to some people in the comments, I’m not sure is she’s actually Team Klaus or just pretending to be Team Klaus until she has enough power to take him on directly. I’ve always assumed it was Esther who was screwing with Klaus from the Other Side, but it could also have been Ayana, couldn’t it? Either way, Im excited to see what she has planned, and to watch the carnage unfold.