Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! I just dropped by to harass you for digging up your father’s grave with Jake!
Cassie Blake: Hi Adam! I know it sounds bad and horrible and evil and maybe like we were trying to perform some sort of dark magic ritual and I know it’s desecration of a grave and I know that’l like illegal and stuff but you have to understand I had a vision and in that vision my father didn’t die and then I had to know for sure so yes we dug up my father’s grave but only to prove that my father was still alive and not for any nefarious purpose.
Adam Conant: No, yeah, I’m cool with the grave robbing. I’m upset that you did it with Jake. ‘Cause of the possessive and controlling thing. That’s like character development, right?
The Lady of the Manor: Dude. It’s not your job to protect her. You know, since she isn’t yours.
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Jake! I just wanted to say that I’m sorry your parents were murdered by witch hunters! Oh and also I understand that you totally want to wreck bloody magical vengeance on them. But you know who’s not going to understand? Your pint-sized pixie crush.
Jake Armstrong: Thanks for the heads-up, Faye! But you do realize that every single force choke on this show has been performed by the Blond Beelzebub, right?
Faye Chamberlain: And since I understand your dark urges and dangerous needs, we should have sex! Again! You know what they say, once you go Faye
Jake Armstrong: You can finally make the football team?
Faye Chamberlain: …That is not what they say.
Cassie Blake: You know what? Adam might be right! About how dangerous this medallion is, and not about Jake, because meyow, am I right? Anyway, I’m going to hide the Pendant of Perdition in the Secret Cubby Hole of Secrecy! I sure hope no one that’s seen me open this comes in to steal it while I’m away!
Lucy Gibbons: Hi Cassie! You’re Amelia Blake’s daughter!
Cassie Blake: …Not another one.
Lucy Gibbons: Hi Cassie! I’ve been having nightmares about the boat fire every night for the last fifteen years! And I’m also psychic! So when you brain-tripped into the past, I saw you there! And that sacred me! And then! A bunch of witch hunters came by asking if I knew where you are!
Cassie Blake: Witch hunters? What did they want?
Lucy Gibbons: Oh, the probably wanted to buy girl scout cookies from you or something. They’re pretty swell guys, totally trustworthy, didn’t murder your father or anything.
Cassie Blake: Yeah, actually they didn’t murder my father. ‘Cause he’s still alive and all.
Lucy Gibbons: Poop. I mean great!
The Lady of the Manor: This is why time travel needs to be handled by Doctors who know what they’re doing.
Dawn Chamberlain: That’s odd! I have an inexplicable pattern of scars on my hand! Almost as if some sort of spell is taking effect! But that’s just silly, so I’m going to go ahead and ignore that!
Charles Meade: Hi Dawn! Great plan, giving the town drunk the ability to shape reality with his booze-soaked mind. I’m going to go kill him, and then I might kill you, so you might want to stay out of my way.
Dawn Chamberlain: Charles! How did we end up on opposite sides like this?
Charles Meade: Fifteen years of blue balls, Dawn. And you tried to kill my mother. But mostly the blue balls.
Ethan Conant: Hi Diana! Would you like to help plan a huge surprise party for my son, your ex-boyfriend?
Diana Meade: Boy would I! I mean, last year I did this whole thing with cookies and a whipped cream bikini and you don’t even want to know where the cherries went and this year it’s all like “Dear Adam, Happy birthday! I hope your year is filled with happiness and joy and absolutely no sex between you and that little blonde whore and also if you could not get murdered by a demon that would be sweet” and then how do I even sign it like is “xoxo” too much or is it not enough I don’t know what to do aahh!
Ethan Conant: You know, Adam still cares about you. He talks about you all the time.
Diana Meade: Really?!?
Ethan Conant: Well, mostly at night. In his bedroom. And it’s more of a “moan” than a “talk”. But yeah, all the time.
Diana Meade: This is suddenly uncomfortable!
Adam Conant: Almost as uncomfortable as me standing here listening you talk about my love life and my surprise party!
Cassie Blake: And then she said I was being hunted by witch hunters!
Jake Armstrong: Wow, that’s totally new information that we did not possess before she arrived!
Cassie Blake: So I think we should figure out how this medallion thing works! That way we can stop them! Forever! By lighting them on fire with my brain!
Jake Armstrong: Great! Let’s go down into the basement! I bet there’s way more sympathetic energy down there!
Cassie Blake: Because of the symbol carved into the ceiling?
Jake Armstrong: The ceiling, the candles, the rose petals, the air mattress … I just think it’s generally a good environment.
Jake Armstrong: So how do you think we activate the medallion?
Cassie Blake: Beats me! I’m going to do this the same way I do all of my spells … stare at it with a squinty face until something impressive happens!
The Earth: Boom shake rumble rumble boom!
Jake Armstrong: Super blond jock Cassie tackling powers activate!
Cassie Blake: Why, I have ended up on top of you, and between your legs! Tee hee!
Adam Conant: What the hell is going on?!?
Neville the Corgipire: Why is he angry?
Thomas: He thinks they’re having sexytimes.
Neville the Corgipire: That’s silly! He’s not behind her!
Thomas: …Watch your mouth.
Neville the Corgipire: I’m always watching my mouth! It’s at the end of my snout! I can’t really look away!
Thomas: Touche, Corgi, touche.
Cassie Blake: Adam! Wait! We were just trying to figure out how the medallion works!
Adam Conant: The whole house was shaking!
Cassie Blake: Wait, the earth moved for you, too?
Adam Conant: Not. Helping.
Cassie Blake: Anyway, this television psychic showed up on my doorstep and said that the witch hunters were coming and I saw my father use this medallion to stop them once and now I think I can use it to stop them from killing us!
Adam Conant: Your father used it to protect our parents?
Cassie Blake: Yep!
Adam Conant: To protect my dead mother? And Diana’s dead mother? And Melissa’s dead mother? And your dead mother? And Faye’s dead father? And Jake’s dead everyone?
Cassie Blake: …I am an attractive blond and your argument is invalid.
Cassie Blake: Hi Jake! I might have kind of just told Adam that he was right and dark magic was stupid and circle magic is awesome!
Jake Armstrong: So we’re done here?
Cassie Blake: No way! I want to go get dark magic tips from the kookie psychic lady!
Melissa Glaser: Hey, did you hear Cassie dug up her father’s grave?
Faye Chamberlain: Of course she did! She’s a freaky little Stepford Ghoul with daddy issues! Anyway, I have some Unpronounceable Voodoo Drugs that we should try!
Melissa Glaser: Did your skeevy voodoo boyfriend give that to you?
Faye Chamberlain: And herpes!
Cassie Blake: Hi Lucy! I was hoping you could tell us how to use the medallion to protect ourselves from witch hunters!
Lucy Gibbons: You have the Balcoin Medallion? Well, in a completely normal and not at all suspicious turn of events, I just happen to have access to the spell that will activate the medallion for you! Is there a safe place we can meet?
Cassie Blake: How about the house I almost tore down with my brain earlier today?
Lucy Gibbons: Great!
Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Lucy! Remember how fifteen years ago you betrayed us and sold us out to the witch hunters and then a lot of us died? Because I sure do! Also, I cast a spell on you that would make my hand bleed any time you got within ten miles of Chance Harbor!
Lucy Gibbons: Really? It makes your hand bleed? Couldn’t you, like, get a mild buzzing in your head, or maybe your left and right butt cheek could alternate falling asleep, or literally anything other than your soft, tender hand opening up and bleeding all over the place?
Dawn Chamberlain: …Shut up.
Cassie Blake: Hey Jake? Funny story. Someone broke into my house! And then into my bedroom! And then they rifled through my underwear drawer! And then they might have taken the Pendant of Perdition.
The Lady of the Manor: If you put a Magic Medallion on top of a Book of Shadows, do they make evil little babies?
Dawn Chamberlain: So Lucy! I’ve been thinking about how you were supposed to protect John Blackwell and how you totally didn’t protect John Blackwell and how you can make up for killing John Blackwell by finding me a half dozen magic crystals!
Neville the Corgipire: Hey! The guy who owned me before you was named Blackwell!
Thomas: Wait, what?
Neville the Corgipire: Yep! Check my papers!
Thomas: Rustle rustle rustle… shit.
Neville the Corgipire: I’m a devil corgi!
Jake Armstrong: Okay, let’s think this through. All we have to do is figure out who knows about your Secret Cubby Hole of Secrecy and would want to wear your panties.
Cassie Blake: OMG! It was Adam!
Melissa Glaser: I think Diana is awesome for throwing this party for he ex! And I think Diana is brave for being so strong in the face of a blond bed robber! And I think Diana is hot when she wanders around in that bathrobe that’s so short it’s almost indecent!
Faye Chamberlain: And I dub thee: Delissa.
Cindy McLennan: Fandom, can we please lay off the couple names portmanteaux (mash-ups)? They were tired back in Buffy’s heyday.
The Fandom: No!
Faye Chamberlain: Anyway, you seem to be having way more fun than me, so I’m going to do another line of Unpronounceable Voodoo Drug! And since I’m a total badass who knows exactly how this works and am not faking it in any way, I’m going to pour the whole bag out onto my hand in the middle of a windstorm!
Melissa Glaser: …You kind of suck. But if you can get ahold of one of your skeevey voodoo boyfriends, I’ll totally trade sexual favors for another hit!
Faye Chamberlain: Wow, you went from zero to crack whore even faster than I did.
Ethan Conant: Okay! It’s time for the birthday speech! Dear Adam: Happy birthday! I love you!
Everyone: Who the hell is Adam?
Ethan Conant: He’s my son!
Diana Meade: He stole my heart!
Cassie Blake: He stole my Magic Murder Medallion!
Cassie Blake: …Maybe we should talk about this outside.
Charles Meade: Nice toast! You have a great kid! It’d be a shame if something happened to him!
Ethan Conant: Nice lungs! It would be a shame if something happened to them! Like, if someone filled them with water, and then turned the water into fire, and then turned the fire into a swarm of bees!
Charles Meade: I’m gonna go get a drink!
Cassie Blake: Hi Adam! Let’s talk about how you’re a controlling, manipulative little freak who tries to make all of my decisions for me!
Adam Conant: I know, right? Pretty hot, isn’t it? Like, you girls are all into the Cullen thing still, right?
Cassie Blake: Sorry! There’s a new bunch of vampires in town, and we don’t go all schoolgirl for abusive boyfriends anymore. Instead, we pant after guys who leave trails of bodies everywhere they go!
Adam Conant: Well then Jake really is perfect for you! You know, because of all the murders he’s done.
Cassie Blake: Please! Like there’s any chance that Jake is going to be revealed as a stone cold killer at the end of this episode!
Melissa Glaser: Hi Callum! I’d like to trade sexual favors for some Unpronounceable Devil Drug!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Callum! I’d like to trade you getting the hell out of here for me not melting your brain with my brain!
Callum: Hi Jake! My masculinity is threatened, so I’m going to pretend to be dangerous now!
Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! I’ve had several seconds to think about it, and I’ve decided you’re right! I have no business making your decisions for you! So I brought you your Necromancy Necklace! It’s in my pocket. Yeah, the front pocket. Go ahead and reach in and grab it. The necklace. I mean the necklace. Mostly.
Adam Conant: Hey dad, are you okay?
Ethan Conant: I’m not drunk!
Adam Conant: …Oooooookaaaayyyyyy then.
Cassie Blake: Hey Jake! For no reason whatsoever, have you ever murdered anyone?
Jake Armstrong: Like, tonight? Or this week? Give me a timeframe here.
Cassie Blake: Aaaaand we’re done.
Dawn Chamberlain: Hi Lucy! Did you bring the Magic Crystals of Mayhem?
Lucy Gibbons: Nope! I brought something even better! The Stabbing Knife of Serial Killing! Gutstab!
Dawn Chamberlain: I’m beginning to question my abilities as a schemer!
Cassie Blake: So, all in favor of taking the advice of a woman we’ve never met and may or may not have been instrumental in our parent’s deaths? Okay then!
Ethan Conant: Well, there’s no one who wants to murder me for the magic talisman I carry, so I better pass out on this couch here with the Chaos Crystal in my jacket!
Charles Meade: Super nefarious pickpocketing powers activate!
Ethan Conant: This was a great idea!
Lucy Gibbons: Okay, everyone get in a circle and hold hands, then repeat after me!
The Secret Circle: “Let’s make our situation even more dour, by giving up all our power!”
Lucy Gibbons: Hahaha! I have fooled you into transferring all of your powers into the medallion! Now you are helpless, and the witch hunters will succeed in their noble quest!
Thomas: Oh, that’s adorable. She’s made Cassie angry. I love it when Cassie gets angry.
Cassie Blake: Thanks Thomas! “This dumb psychic is rather feckless, so let’s murder her with a magic necklace!”
Jake Armstrong: So… anyone else really turned on right now?
Adam Conant: Yep.
Faye Chamberlain: You have no idea.
Jake Armstrong: Hi Cassie! I’d love to teach you how to tap into your inner bad girl!
Cassie Blake: Yeah, despite all evidence to the contrary, I’m still pretending to be the good little girl. For at least the next two episodes.
Charles Meade: Hi Dawn! I just came to gloat over the … gaping stab wound in your gut? That’s not right. “Even though she wouldn’t sex me, magic make this woman healthy!”
Melissa Glaser: So, about that Unpronounceable Devil Drug?
Callum: So, about those sexual favors?
Melissa Glaser: Sorry! I’m just a tease!
Callum: That’s cool, I’ll just wait until the UDD turns your brain into jelly. It’s like wiccan roofies!
Jake Armstrong: Hi Faye! Interested in some hate-filled rebound sex?
Faye Chamberlain: I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my panties hitting the ground.
Diana Meade (in a note): Hi Adam! I filled your closet up with cookies, just like last year! But you’ll have to imagine the whipped cream bikini yourself. Although your father says you do that anyway!
-xoxo Sincerely <3 -Just dump Cassie and have sex with me again!
Lucy Gibbons: Hi Baldy! Funny story! I may have accidentally given Cassie the secrets to unlocking the Murder Medallion’s arcane power!
Baldy the Badass: That’s okay! I mean, it could be a lot worse! For example, you could be bleeding all over my carpets!
Lucy Gibbons: …That was a threat, wasn’t it?
Baldy the Badass: Yep!
Lucy Gibbons: Dies.
Cassie Blake: “Now my face is really serious, make this cabin shake something furious!”
The Ghost / Spirit / Shade / Whatever of John Blackwell: Hi honey!
Cassie Blake: Hi daddy!
The Plot: Thickens.
It is so good to see the Real Faye back. Bitchy, confident, and catty, and most importantly? Not hanging around with Scruffy McWhateverhisnameis or Greasy McQueen. I loved her “barking up the wrong shrub” comment, just because I’m tall and I love a good short joke, and Fake? They may end up being my OTP, especially if he drags Faye all the way out of her shitty drug addict voodoo plot. That is an albatross I am perfectly willing to let Melissa run with. Sorry, Melissa, but you’re expendable.
For the bulk of this episode, Adam graduated from “boring” to “dick.” I don’t know if this was an improvement, though, because I still didn’t care about him … he’s not the kind of dick I can root for. But I guess it’s besides the point anyway, since he seems to be back on the Cassie Train at the end of the episode.
Ethan and Diana talking about Diana’s failed relationship with his son? Maybe that’s how parents really are, I don’t know, but to me it just seems that the CW loves to throw adults into inappropriate discussions with teenagers.
I loved that Cassie noticed the medallion spell was going wrong, and that she was able to turn it around. Darth Cassie is still a fascinating plot line, and I’m glad that this is the crux of the season. One question, though: did the Circle really lose their powers, or did they stop the spell in time?
Ethan really is the most useless human being alive. Well, here’s the incredibly powerful item that pretty much everyone I know would murder to get ahold of… I better gift wrap it and then pass out on my couch. You’re welcome, guys! Though I am glad Charles has the crystal back, because Charles is way more fun when he has power.
And the Plot really did Thicken! It’s like the story is actually advancing or something!