Sheriff Forbes: Goodnight, Mr. Salvatore. Do be careful this chill evening, for a vile murderer doth be afoot, and stalking the noble Founder of this, our fair city!
Mr. Salvatore: Pish tosh! Verily I say that the victim’s association with the Founders is but chance and folly! Forsooth, to prove my theory I shall walk home unescorted, whistling a jaunty tune!
Sheriff Forbes: Indeed sir, but thou art a brave fellow! Truly I do hope thou shalt arrive at thy domicile unmolested!
The Lurking Shadow of Slaughter: I stabeth thee!
Mr. Salvatore: Egads! For I am dead!
Carol Lockwood: Hi Sheriff Forbes! Tell me who the murderer is! Tell me tell me tell me!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Sorry, but it’s against Mr. Saltzman’s constitutional rights for me to tell the unelected mayor of the town that he was accused of murder by a psychotic doctor.
Carol Lockwood: Pout!
Alaric Saltzman: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I am so hung over!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: And an accused murderer!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, accused by a psycho surgeon with files on all of the victims, the murder weapon, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Serial Killing, and a TODO list on her refrigerator that has exactly one item: Murder the Mystic Fall’s Watcher’s Council.
The Lady of the Manor: Why doesn’t Damon just bent the bars with his bare hands? Or his bare, well, anything.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Damon, if you don’t respect my authority, I’m going to arrest you, too!
Damon Salvatore: …Okay! Off I go!
Alaric Saltzman: Wait, what? You’ve murdered like fifty people in the last year alone, several of them in front of the Sheriff, and now you’re afraid of her?
Damon Salvatore: Sorry, bro. We can’t afford to pay you for this episode, so we have to stash you somewhere.
Elena Gilbert: Run run run run run run run!
Matt Donovan: Man, when Elena asked if I wanted to come over and get sweaty with her, I really thought she had something else in mind.
Elena Gilbert: Hey Matt, has Bonnie forgiven me yet? Because the death of her mother and Bonnie’s resulting poutfest is seriously cramping my style.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! Alaric’s been accused of murder and you need to do something!
Damon Salvatore: Well, I could tear out Dr. Fell’s throat. Or her tongue. Or compel her into recanting her accusation. Or compel the Sheriff into releasing him. Or tear the door off the cell with my bare hands. But all of those sound kind of lame, so I’m just going to go make fun of my brother’s addictive personality. Tootles!
Stefan Salvatore: Dear Diary, I am an unworthy creature, a vile abomination deserving only angst and punishment for my many vile deeds. Truly I am cursed, for my existence will be endless, and my sorrow eternal. The store was out of hair gel today, yet another sign that our vengeful god hounds my every step, pouring out the wrath I so truly deserve.
Damon Salvatore: “Dear Diary, A chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.” So Stefan, what say we ditch the emofest and activate our wonder twin powers and search our diaries for convenient information about the latest spat of murders?
Stefan Salvatore: That depends … can we do it in a flashback?
Damon Salvatore: Boy can we!
Stefan Salvatore: Hello attractive ladies! Say, can one of you hook me up with the details on how my … uncle … died?
Samantha Gilbert: Probably a vampire!
Mary-Anne Lockwood: Or maybe a werewolf!
Samantha Gilbert: I sure hope we don’t both die later tonight! Tee hee!
Damon’s Crow: Caw! Caw!
The Lady of the Manor: Hello Damon’s crow!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon I miss you Damon and I’d like to hang out with you Damon!
Damon Salvatore: Well, my hatred for you and the unending curse you have inflicted upon me is matched only by my love for whiskey, so … sure!
Rebekah: Hell Mrs. Mayor! Thanks for meeting me here at the place the locals usually conduct official city business! I have a completely normal and in no way strange question about the town’s history, and any great white oak trees that may or may not have been planted here.
Carol Lockwood: Well, I don’t know anything about any giant white oak trees, but I do know that, in an amazing coincidence, the Salvatore family used to own all of the logging mills in the area!
Rebekah: Great! I’ll just use my powers of
hatesex persuasion to convince the Salvatores to give me what I want!
Carol Lockwood: An orgasm?
Rebekah: Well, yes, that too.
Damon Salvatore: So Stefan, you know that time when you drank nothing but bunny blood for a decade, and the pressure and the longing and the bloodlust built and built and built until you couldn’t take it any more and then you snapped and you murdered an entire convent of orphaned nuns? And you remember the seventy three times that exact same thing has happened since then?
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, why?
Damon Salvatore: No reason, just reliving old times. Hi Rebekah! Looking for a nice, big hunk of wood?
Rebekah: Well, yes, actually. Just not the kind you’re thinking of.
The Lady of the Manor: Very subtle eye-fucking there, kids.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: I can’t let you go, Alaric, there’s too much evidence that you’re guilty! Like the fact that all of the victims have had a confrontation with Dr. Fell just before their death! And the fact that Dr. Fell has records on all of the victims! And the fact that Dr. Fell had one of the murder weapons in her possession!
Alaric Saltzman: And that makes me guilty how, exactly!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Alaric, please! You were obviously so smitten with her that you murdered all of those men for daring to treat her as anything less than the chaste and pure creature she so plainly is, then brought the murder weapon and records to her house in order to demonstrate your love for her!
Alaric Saltzman: …It’s no wonder vampires come here to do all their killing.
Rebekah: Hi Salvatores! Since your family is famous for the intricately detailed records you keep of every trivial detail, I was wondering if you still had a record of all of the trees ever cut down in Mystic Falls, possibly including a surprisingly large white oak tree that may or may not be capable of murdering my entire family!
Damon Salvatore: Sure, I’d love to have sex with you again!
Rebekah: That’s … not what I said. At all. Not even close.
Damon Salvatore: A three way? You bet! As long as it’s girl-boy-girl.
Rebekah: There is not enough liquor in the world.
Damon Salvatore: Of course you can lick her! Or bite her, or tickle her, or pretty much anything! As long as she doesn’t say the safe word!
Stefan Salvatore: You know why I go back to ripping, Damon? This. This is why. When I murder everyone in this room and paint a mural with their blood, I want you to remember that it was your libido that drove me there.
Damon Salvatore: Of course you can have a turn when I’m done! You’re my little brother! It would just be rude to say no!
Rebekah: Your narcissism really is impressive.
The Lady of the Manor: Damon’s level of don’t-give-a-fuck is impressive even for Damon.
Sage: Hello! I like to box!
Damon Salvatore: Hello! I’m going to pretend we have chemistry!
Cassie Blake and Adam Contant: Hey, that’s our job!
Rebekah: Sage? I know Sage! Because there are only ten people in the entire world and nothing ever happens except it happens in Mystic Falls! She used to date my brother Finn!
The Lady of the Manor: Back when he had decent hair?
Meredith Fell: Hi Elena! I just wanted to let you know that Alaric got arrested like four times for beating people up! And your mother filed like four restraining orders against him! And he’s been brought up on racketeering charges in seven states! And he doesn’t like puppies!
Elena Gilbert: I have sex with vampires!
Meredith Fell: Yes. Yes you do.
Rebekah: So all this talk of sex and serial killers is interesting, but let’s get back to the important business of the day … your family logging company!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! Where did you learn to pick a lock?
Matt Donovan: You know all that underwear that went missing, and you thought it got eaten by the drying?
Elena Gilbert: Yeah?
Matt Donovan: …
Elena Gilbert: Oh. Anyway, let’s look for a secret storage area full of incriminating evidence!
Matt Donovan: I keep my incriminating evidence behind a false panel in my hallway closet! I bet that’s where hers is, too!
Elena Gilbert: Matt, you’re a genius!
Damon Salvatore: In a town populated with vampires, werewolves, and men inexplicably attracted to Elena Gilbert, I find the idea of a woman stabbing a man implausible!
Rebekah: As a woman who was on top most of our night together, I find that insulting!
Stefan Salvatore: Can you all please just go away?
Damon Salvatore: I have a better idea! Let’s play “read from Stefan’s diary!” I’ll start: “Dear diary, even though I am a sanctimonious prick, Damon refuses to see the light and forsake his noming of naughty nubiles!”
Rebekah: Oh, let me play! “Dear diary, I think I have finally suppressed the vile impulses that plague me. It has been two days since I have
masturbated eaten a young woman, and I am convinced that this time I am finally free.”
Damon Salvatore: “Dear diary, I have fallen off the wagon again. After three days of glorious victory, I spied – completely on accident – a fair maiden’s petticoat. I can only blame the resulting seventeen murders on my father’s refusal to show my love.”
Rebekah: “Dear diary, tonight I met the most amazing woman. There’s a speakeasy in Chicago with a blond flapper named Becky who just drives me nuts. She wouldn’t give me the time of day, so I followed her home and watched her through her window all night long. She certainly did spend a long time in that shower, but I suppose hygiene is important. Still, I wonder just what she did to her pelvis that required such thorough cleansing …” Hey!
Stefan Salvatore: Someone please kill me.
Damon Salvatore: Om nom nom nom peasant girl nom!
Sage: Hi Damon! I’m back to pretend we have chemistry! And as an added bonus, I’m going to fake a lesbian subtext, mimic a seductive tone, and act like I know anything at all about being naughty!
Matt Donovan: Hey Elena! I just found an old Gilbert journal in Meredith’s Box of Incriminating Evidence!
Elena Gilbert: Hey, I just had a weird thought! Wouldn’t it suck if Meredith came home right now and caught us snooping through her stuff?
Meredith Fell: Hi guys! Nice box of evidence you got there!
Elena Gilbert: Pout!
Matt Donovan: Not gonna lie, this whole thing kinda turns me on.
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Hi Elena! Hi Matt! Thanks for fucking up my murder investigation! I’m going to talk to the Mayor about having them teach a course on the rules of evidence at the high school!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! We brought you girl to eat!
Rebekah: She’s cute and blond and innocent and helpless, just the way you like it!
Stefan Salvatore: No! The crushing weight of my guilt will not allow me to partake. For I have sworn-
Rebekah: Oh for fuck’s sake if you don’t eat her I will!
Damon Salvatore: And you know that if Reb-
Stefan Salvatore: OM NOM NOM TASTY BLOND GIRL NOM!
The Lady of the Manor: Bitey Stefan! Bitey Stefan! Yay yay yay!
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! Just dropped by to fuck up another one of Damon’s plans! Stefan, shouldn’t you be brooding in a dark room over your unworthiness to ever see me naked again?
Stefan Salvatore: Yes.
Elena Gilbert: I’m sorry, what was that?
Stefan Salvatore: I said I’m sorry for eating a cute girl, and I’m a terrible person and a horrible influence, and I’m going to my room to think about what I’ve done and how it’s hurt the people around me.
Elena Gilbert: And no watching TV while you’re up there!
Stefan Salvatore: Yes, ma’am.
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! I love Stefan! But I kind of love Damon, too! But the thing I love most of all is ruining male characters! So … wanna have sex?
Matt Donovan: Boy do I!
Elena Gilbert: Great! It’s been way too long since a guy has hopelessly fought to get into my pants!
The Lady of the Manor: Those two need to go their separate ways, have tons of sex with other people, then make mashed potato babies when they hit thirty.
Alaric Saltzman: Hi guys! Remember the rules: no sex until I’m too drunk to hear you. Also, do I smell like hobo pee? I think I smell like hobo pee.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I’m riding high on masochism right now, so could you make me feel a little worse?
Damon Salvatore: No, but I will relive the shocking tale of how I became the bad guy of Season One, and how you became the Ripper of Monterey!
Sage: Hi Damon! You should become a bad guy!
Damon Salvatore: …Okay! Hey Stefan, you should become a ripper again!
Stefan Salvatore: …Okay! Headrip!
Britney Spears: ♫ Oops I did it again! ♫
Damon Salvatore: Wasn’t that trilling?
Stefan Salvatore: Almost as thrilling as this book that says Samantha Gilbert was the Mystic Falls Murderer of 1912!
Damon Salvatore: Wait a second … I killed Samantha Gilbert. Hold on, is there some kind of a plot device that brings people back from the dead after a vampire kills them?
Stefan Salvatore: …Nothing comes to mind, no.
Meredith Fell: Hi Alaric! I only told the sheriff you were a murderer because I thought you weren’t a murderer! But now that I know you’re a murderer I told her you aren’t a murderer and brought you the evidence that proves that you’re a murderer!
Elena Gilbert: Alaric, she’s right! This old Gilbert journal starts out normal and then goes crazy crazy crazy and I think the Magic Ring of Not Dying is frying your brain and making you black out and making you go all stabby!
Meredith Fell: Also, pay no attention to my Magic Ring of Questionable Origin, which certainly didn’t belong to Samantha Gilbert in 1912!
Alaric Saltzman: What was that? I should pour myself a giant glass of whiskey? Okay!
This was kind of a lackluster episode. Sage just isn’t doing it for me; she doesn’t have the kind of sexual energy or menace that would appeal to Damon, especially while he was still pining over Katherine. She’s supposed to be the reason Damon became the monster we met in Season One, but I just don’t see it.
Even the moments that were supposed to be dark and sexy, like when she told Damon that women aren’t just for food, but also for pleasure, fell flat. This is a rare case when I think the writing was solid but the acting failed to deliver; if Nina Dobrev had been given a line like that, she would have killed it.
So Alaric is a murderer except he’s not except he is. I really don’t care, but that’s mostly because some assholes on Twitter felt the need to spoil this plotline for me. Which sucks, because before this mini-break, the Mystic Falls Murderer was an interesting, exciting mystery.
The writers tossed Team Delena a bone with Elena’s line about Damon being under her skin and her inability to shake him, but I still maintain that Damon can do better. He needs to have some more hate sex with Rebekah and then find out where Katherine ran off to.
Elena herself seems determined to return to her “annoying and mostly useless” ways. I’m proud that she didn’t immediately make Bonnie’s grief over
a total stranger’s acquisition of super powers mother’s tragic death about her, but you could tell she wanted to. Then she fucked up a murder investigation, fucked up Damon’s rehab session with Stefan, and pretty much declared her intention to fuck up Matt by, well, fucking Matt. That character could be killed off and the show would lose pretty much nothing, and gain a reason to bring Katherine back.
I would have loved to have been involved in the roundtable where they brought up the Missing Oak Tree and the Salvatore Logging Company, because apparently no one in attendance realized that “the family logging company” is just about the worst way they could have possibly brought the Salvatore brothers into that story arc.
Just a quick thought, but the more I think about Sage, the more disappointed I become. Damon’s turn to the dark side should have been an iconic moment, one of those things we’re still talking about three seasons down the line. Instead, it was some chick with no chemistry and ugly shorts that mad him go all bad guy? That was a seriously wasted opportunity.
And seriously, who the hell decided that making her a boxer was a good idea?