Faye Chamberlain: I bet my family’s crystal is in my mom’s underwear drawer! Because now that my grandpa is dead, I’m certain my mom has it!
Melissa Glaser: Maybe she even murdered him for it!
Faye Chamberlain: Melissa! That’s crazy talk! Hey, do you want to read about my mom’s sexual exploits? Because they’re all in this journal right here!
Melissa Glaser: Hey, this page says you might be the other Balcoin child! I bet this isn’t even a red herring they’re dropping to set up a shocking twist at the end of the episode!
Faye Chamberlain: You’re probably right! I’m going to go try to blow things up with my brain!
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Cassie! Lemme see that crystal real quick! “Instead of casting a spell that matters, I’ll make it so all of this glass shatters!”
John Blackwell: Faye! We have a very limited effects budget, and we can’t afford to have you blow it all on juvenile antics!
Cassie Blake: Don’t you mean the crystal’s power can be drained, so we need to save it for our battle with the witch hunters who, in a shocking act of hypocrisy, have summoned demons to destroy us?
John Blackwell: That’s what I said!
Jake Armstrong: Wait, we need to set up the plot for the episode real quick!
Adam Conant: Let’s all go on a bunch of crystal scavenger hunts!
Faye Chamberlain: And wallow in unresolved sexual tension!
Diana Meade: And unleash the darkness lurking within us, ushering in a new age of sorrow and woe!
Diana Meade: What?
Diana Meade: Hi Grant! I have to mumble mumble lame excuse to not hang out with you, but don’t worry, my self esteem and standards are still low enough for me to sleep with you!
Diana Meade: Just not tonight!
Melissa Glaser: Oh, why don’t you two crazy kids go and make a bunch of babies … it’s not like our lives are hanging in the balance or anything!
Diana Meade: Great thanks see you later bye bye come on naked time less talk more run away and do the nasty!
Melissa Glaser: …That was sarcasm.
Callum: Hi Melissa! Any chance I can exploit you for my own personal gain? In particular, the acquisition of magical powers?
Jake Armstrong: Hi Callum! Let’s get in a slap fight!
Melissa Glaser: I need to hang out with better men.
Grandma Jane: Hi Cassie!
Cassie Blake: Hi Grandma sorry Grandma I was totally going to clean up and hide my pot stash and throw out the pregnancy tests oh and by the way my evil father is back in town and I kind of joined his team and also the DVR forgot to record Matlock!
Grandma Jane: What! But I love Matlock!
Jake Armstrong: So, about you ditching Adam to come with me …
Cassie Blake: Yeah, I-
Jake Armstrong: Finally realized that I’m like eleventy billion times the man Adam is and decided you’d like to have sex with someone that wears less eye shadow than you? I knew it!
Cassie Blake: No, I-
Faye Chamberlain: Sorry Cassie, I don’t swing that way. Except with Diana.
Callum: This trip is going to be awesome.
Melissa Glaser: Good news! I think I found my grandmother’s crystal!
Adam Conant: Great!
Melissa Glaser: Bad news! I also found fifteen million other crystals!
Adam Conant: Crap!
Melissa Glaser: She collects a lot of crystals, is what I’m saying.
Adam Conant: Yeah, I got that, thanks.
Jake Armstrong: Welcome to my crazy uncle’s crazy cabin!
Cassie Blake: “The only spell we have in stock, will make this door’s locks unlock!”
The Door’s Locks: Click. Clack. Clop. Ratchet. Unhook. Slide. Click.
Faye Chamberlain: Well that’s not creepy. And neither is the Unibomber Chic decore!
Cassie Blake: Hey, is this a list of our names and birth dates? And photos of us as children? In our swim suits?
John Blackwell: Hey Charles? Remember how you were a huge pussy and that’s why the witch hunters beat us all those years ago?
Charles Meade: No, but I do remember how you were a raging ego maniac that got the woman I loved killed!
John Blackwell: Nice chat!
Charles Meade: Great catching up with you!
John Blackwell: See you at the next homicide!
Charles Meade: I’ll bring snacks!
Royce Armstrong: “These intruders I will disable, by crushing them with this table!”
Jake Armstrong, Cassie Blake, and Faye Chamberlain: “Teach this guy a lesson good, by smashing him with this wood!”
Royce Armstrong: Woah woah woah, I didn’t know you guys could do magic! Let’s be best friends! Did you guys know Kennedy was killed to prevent him from telling the world we never walked on the moon? Kind of like how you’re all going to be killed because of mumble mumble vague prophecy crazy eyes!
Grandma Jane: Hi Charles! Wanna take on the most dangerous dark magician in history using only spells I’ve cobbled together from ingredients in my kitchen?
Charles Meade: Sure! This probably won’t end horrible for us at all!
Royce Armstrong: Hey, did I ever tell you guys how John Blackwell was conducting his own Balcoin eugenics program, and that there’s a really good chance at least two of you are related? And that there’s an even better chance that this is going to result in the death of you, your loved ones, everyone you’ve met since 1992, most of the people in your zip code, and a good number of people who have names that rhyme with yours?
Jake Armstrong: That sucks! You know what would really help prevent all that murder? A magic crystal!
Royce Armstrong: Nice try, Jake, but you’ll never fool me into telling you the crystal is buried in a mine thirteen miles outside of town, turn right onto Crow’s Gulch Road, then left at the old oak tree, take the elevator marked “Shaft Three,” and beware of the spell that prevents Balcoin children from drawing near!
Cassie Blake: Wow, thanks Mister Armstrong!
Royce Armstrong: Thanks? For what?
Faye Chamberlain: Say, what’s so special about these crystals, anyway?
Royce Armstrong: Together they form a crystal skull! The most dangerous weapon of destruction ever created!
Thomas: Well the Crystal Skull certainly destroyed the Indiana Jones series…
Grant: Okay, you’re gonna want a sweater because it’s cold, and nice panties because I’m horny, and a new cell phone picture for Adam because he’s totally kissing you in this one!
Diana Meade: All of that sounds great, but can I convince you to rifle through my underwear drawer until I’m done feeling my ex boyfriend’s crystals? Thanks!
Diana Meade: Can we hurry this up? Because I have a raging case of blue balls, and I don’t think that’s even anatomically possible.
Grant: Hi guys! My unending interest in these crystals, and Diana, probably means I’m evil!
Diana Meade: Hey, did you see the leopard print thong in the third drawer?
Grant: Got to go be right back I’ll be upstairs see you later!
Adam Conant: “Magic break this masking hex, so Diana can finally have sex!”
Diana Meade: Great thanks guys have fun with your crystals and your magic and your saving our lives and your preventing the apocalypse I’m gonna go do a little cultural exchange if you know what I mean I mean I’m going to have sex with an Australian!
Faye Chamberlain: Hey Cassie! You know how Royce was all “oooh John Blackwell was trying to breed a generation of evil magic users ooooh!” Well my mom totally banged your dad. Like, all the time. Says so right here.
Cassie Blake: What?!?
Jake Armstrong: Oh yeah, everyone knows your dad was a big old whore. Knocked up like half of Chance Harbor.
Cassie Blake: What?!?
Jake Armstrong: What, you didn’t know? Hell, there’s like a fifty percent chance you’ve made out with your brother this season.
Royce Armstrong: Hey guys? Some dude named Callum broke in, stole my map, and laughed maniacally about ushering in the end of the world. Do you guys want pizza?
Faye Chamberlain: Why yes, I would love to be instilled with the raw power of the devil himself!
Royce Armstrong: Of course you can have pepperoni!
Grant: So Diana, would you rather have sex on the boat, or sex on the beach, or sex under the docks, or sex-
Diana Meade: Hold on mid term geology project emergency be right back go ahead get naked and send me pictures I’ll be back bye bye!
Melissa Glaser: Okay, let’s go find that crystal before my scuzzy ex boyfriend claims it for himself!
Adam Conant: It sure is a bummer that the small effects budget prevents us from using magic!
Melissa Glaser: Don’t you mean the iron ore in the ground?
Adam Conant: That’s what I said!
Grandma Jane: Hi John! How’s things? Murder any innocent people lately? Summon any demons? Unleash any evil?
John Blackwell: Well as a mater of fact I-
Charles Meade: “Make this guy’s brain real chill, so this bastard we can kill!”
Grandma Jane: Hold on, I want to ask him about who really murdered my daughter.
Charles Meade: Oh Jane, why do you want to dig up the past? You should totally put all thoughts of who may or may not have “murdered” your “daughter” in the “pilot” with this “crystal” that I’m “holding.”
Melissa Glaser: How are we going to find this crystal?
Adam Conant: Don’t worry, there’s an app for that!
Melissa Glaser: And who’s going to jmp across this gaping chasm?
Adam Conant: …Rock paper scissors for it?
Callum: Hi guys! You know what doesn’t work in this mine? Your magic? And you know what does work in this mine? My gun!
Melissa Glaser: Hey Adam, you remember that knife you tried to stab those ghosts with? Still carrying that thing? No? Okay.
Cassie Blake: Okay, new plan! You guys go after Callum! You guys run around and scream! And I’ll try to get into the mines, proving that Balcoin children can’t enter!
Faye Chamberlain: “Having dark magic would be sweet, and my first spell will turn Callum to meat!”
Diana Meade: Um, Faye? Little problem your genealogy …
Cassie Blake: “Faye’s so cute when she tries magic, but I can cause an accident tragic!”
Callum’s Stunt Double: Wipes out.
Grandma Jane: “While I’ve got John Blackwell caught here, make him reveal who killed my daughter!”
John Blackwell: Sorry, no idea.
Charles Meade: Okay then! Let’s get on with the murder! “When I burn this lock of hair, John will die, that’s only fair!”
Grandma Jane: Dies.
John Blackwell: Yeah, so next time you asswipes try doing a voodoo hex on me? Don’t. Oh, and can you clean up this body before Cassie gets home? Thanks honey.
Callum: So, this was one wacky misunderstanding, wasn’t it?
Jake Armstrong: “Since my urge to murder’s lacking, I’ll just cast a spell of tracking!”
Callum: …This is my last episode, isn’t it?
Faye Chamberlain: Hi John! Let’s talk about my mom! In particular, how you put me in her belly!
John Blackwell: Sorry Faye, I wrapped that rascal. No way was I impregnating someone in the Future High School Principle’s Association of America.
Diana Meade: Hi Cassie! Thanks for coming over! It sure was wacky what happened at the mines, right? Like how Adam almost got shot? And Faye thought she had individual powers? And how when I tried to go into the mines I found out that they were blocked by this giant flashing sign that said “Diana Meade is the Other Balcoin Child (and Also Cassie’s Sister)?”
Cassie Blake: Wait, what?
Diana Meade: Yeah, Faye totally thought your dad banged her mom! Crazy, huh?
It’s late and I’m tired, so this will be brief.
This episode continued TSC‘s winning streak. TVD is back on it’s game, TSC is on fire … Thursday nights are officially awesome. I’m really happy with how this season is wrapping up.
Diana’s whole thing with Grant makes her look like 1. an idiot, 2. a spineless hussy, and 3. a self-centered asswipe. “But guuuuuyyyyyyys! I can’t save all of our lives from demons, or prevent the end of the world! I have a daaaaaaate with a hot boooooooooy!” Easily my least favorite part of the show.
I am, however, excited to know that she’s the other Balcoin.
Jane’s death was sad (she’s a great character), but an awesome twist. Almost TVD-worthy.
John Blackwell is a badass. I love watching him be evil, and always one step ahead of everyone.