Vampilaric Stabman’s ToDo List:
- Grade papers
- Smash students’ civil war dioramas
- Torture Caroline
- Fail Elena Gilbert
- Vampire genocide
The Lady of the Manor: I think I prefer Dr. Jones to Evilaric as a history teacher.
Caroline Forbes (on the phone): Hi Tyler! We should have all of the hot sweaty sex!
Tyler Lockwood (on the phone): Love to babe, but I have to pretend to be Klaus’ bitch for a while longer! Today I’m giving him a mani-pedi!
Rebekah: Hi Caroline! In order not to totally ruin this plot, I’m going to pretend my ears aren’t sensitive enough to hear a mosquito fart in a hurricane!
Caroline Forbes: That’s really nice of you! Almost as nice as coming over to clean up after yet another dance that you didn’t get to attend! Sorry your mother hijacked your body, wore you around like a meat suit, used you to steal the Ultimate Weapon of Vampire Vanquishment, then had Evilaric stab you in the heart with a Magic Dagger of Kinda Dying for a Little While!
Rebekah: Aw, thanks! And I’m sorry my mother turned your history teacher / vampire hunter / contributor to the delinquency of minors into a rage-driven, unkillable stab machine! He seemed really nice!
Caroline Forbes: He was! Totally not the kind of guy who would kidnap you, tie you to a chair, ram pencils through your hands, then gag you with a vervain-soaked rag!
Rebekah: That’s … oddly specific.
Caroline Forbes: You’re right! I sure hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me later!
Vampilaric Stabman: Funny you should say that … necksnap! Carolinedrag! Sunburn!
The Lady of the Manor: YOU KEEP YOUR WHORE HANDS OFF OF CAROLINE!
Rebekah: I’ll just be … over here, then …
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena! Just stopped by to see if there was any way I could use your delicate emotional state to get your panties off!
Elena Gilbert: Sorry Stefan, but I’m busy remodeling Alaric’s bedroom! Tee hee!
Stefan Salvatore: Are you … ?
Elena Gilbert: Turning the whole thing into a walk-in closet? You bet I am! I mean, where else am I going to keep all of those thousand-dollar historical ball gowns?
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Stefan!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Jeremy! I-
Jeremy Gilbert: Came over to apologize for ruining our lives, after which you’ll collect your asshole brother and leave town for good?
Stefan Salvatore: No, actually I just came over to try and bang your sister.
Jeremy Gilbert: Oh. Well, that’s almost the same thing, really.
Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! We have a serious problem!
Bonnie Bennet: Hi guys! I kinda sorta gave Alaric all of my tasty blood, and he’s kinda sort a merciless vengeance machine with an unlimited factory warranty.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh no! I can’t believe it!
Damon Salvatore: Right? He had her right there, fangs in her neck and everything, and he just let her live. This city deserves a better class of criminal.
Stefan Salvatore: Did you just quote The Dark Knight?
Damon Salvatore: What? DKR comes out in a couple of months! I’m excited!
Stefan Salvatore: Damon, what have we said about pimping products that don’t pay for placement?
Damon Salvatore: Sorry, my bad.
The Lady of the Manor: I want Bonnie’s lipstick. Any makeup that can stand up to being nommed by Evilaric is a-ok by me.
Rebekah: Hi Klaus! Long story short, mama fucked us over again!
Klaus: Well that’s the last time I give a free pass to someone who wants to destroy me for personal revenge and because of the abomination I have become!
Rebekah: So, Chicago? Belize? Paris?
Klaus: Sure, whatever. Just let me go pack up the Doppelganger and we’ll be on our way.
Rebekah: Seriously? You’re still all about those damn hybrids? They’re fucking useless!
Klaus: Words hurt, Rebekah. Words hurt.
Stefan Salvatore: I can’t believe you let Alaric become a vampire!
Damon Salvatore: Don’t blame me! She’s the one who brain fried me and let her history teacher do literal body shots off of her!
Bonnie Bennet: If you’re so angry, why did you save me?
Damon Salvatore: Because your fans would murder the producers if we killed you off, and I’m the only character popular enough to save you without losing the audience!
Stefan Salvatore: Guys! This isn’t helping! But you know what would help? Killing Vampilaric before he kills us!
Bonnie Bennet: Good news! This problem can easily be solved with magic!
Damon Salvatore: Awesome! So what do we do?
Bonnie Bennet: Oh, not any magic I know. I’m just saying, in general, magic would probably be really handy in this situation.
Damon Salvatore: Why do I even try?
Elena Gilbert: Boy, I sure hope my boyfriends aren’t downstairs talking to my best friend about a menacing evil that’s about to invade our lives!
Vampilaric Stabman (on the phone): Hi Elena! Are you busy this afternoon?
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): No, just repainting your room because you’re dead! Why, what’s up?
Vampilaric Stabman (on the phone): I was hoping you could come over to the high school to talk about your midterm paper!
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Why, was there a problem?
Vampilaric Stabman (on the phone): Kind of! For one, I don’t think the town founders would appreciate you talking about how many vampires there were back then! Also, the Civil War didn’t happen long long ago, in a galaxy far far away! That was Star Wars!
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Darn it! I always get those two mixed up!
Klaus: Hi guys! So it turns out my mother created a remorseless engine of destruction last night, and I figured it would be a good idea to get the hell out of town!
Stefan Salvatore: If I knew it was that easy, I would have created a remorseless engine of destruction weeks ago!
Klaus: So anyway, I figured I’d drop by, warn you two, collect Elena, and head for Maui.
Stefan Salvatore: Wait, what was that part?
Klaus: Maui. I know, right? Turns out there’s a huge werewolf population in Hawaii. Wolves love to surf.
Stefan Salvatore: No, the part about Elena!
Damon Salvatore: That’s right! See, we’d never let her out from under our watchful eyes and protective … protection. Elena is safe as long as she’s with us!
Stefan Salvatore: Exactly! Hey Elena, come down here so we can taunt Klaus with how safe you are! Elena! Elena? Elena …
Damon Salvatore: Facepalm.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Vampilaric! I’m here to talk about my midterm! Why is Caroline tied to that chair, why are there pencils shoved through her hands, and why is she gagged with a vervain-laced rag?
Vampilaric Stabman: I caught her plagiarizing wikipedia. Have a seat!
Damon Salvatore: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! You can’t come iiiiiiiin!
Klaus: This is true. However, have you ever seen that photo of a toothpick driven through a block of wood by a hurricane?
Damon Salvatore: …Yeah…
Damon Salvatore: …Poop.
Klaus: Super vampire throwing a newspaper through the window powers activate!
The Lady of the Manor: I am in love with Klaus. Sorry, honey.
Thomas: Don’t worry, I am, too.
The Lady of the Manor: Oh. That … went differently in my head.
Damon Salvatore: Super Damon diving to the ground and covering my head powers activate!
Klaus: Super vampire throwing a soccer ball through the wall powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire hiding behind Bonnie powers activate!
Klaus: Super vampire throwing a picket fence through the house powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire throwing that picket fence right back powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire taking a phone call at a ridiculously inappropriate time powers activate!
Klaus: Super vampire I have a torch and a can of gasoline powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Okay, okay, you win! We can’t afford to build another set!
Klaus: Aw, but I wanted to burn the house down … Pout.
Stefan Salvatore: Also Vampilaric has both of our not-girlfriends.
Klaus: And you expect me to risk my life to save them?
Stefan Salvatore: No! If you die, there’s a one in four chance that we’ll die, too!
Damon Salvatore: I’ll risk it.
Stefan Salvatore: And a one hundred percent chance that Tyler will die!
Klaus and Damon Salvatore: So?
Stefan Salvatore: What about Caroline? Don’t you want to save Caroline?
Damon Salvatore: Or did she just reject you one time too many?
Klaus: Really? You’re going to play the “rejected by a girl” card? Tell me, how many girls have chosen you over Stefan? Katherine? Kept you around as entertainment until there was room on Stefan’s junk. Elena? Biggest cock tease on the Eastern seaboard.
Bonnie Bennet: Guys! Stop fighting! I can solve this problem with magic!
Bonnie Bennet: I mean, I could, if I knew the right spell, and if I was powerful enough, and if the wind blew just right, and if everyone at home clapped their hands and said “I do believe in witches!”
Klaus: We are so fucked.
Elena Gilbert: Vampilaric! Why are you gagging Caroline with a vervain-soaked rag?
Vampilaric Stabman: I caught her talking in class.
Elena Gilbert: I don’t believe you! We never go to class anymore!
Abby Bennet Wilson: Hi Bonnie! I’m here to help!
Damon Salvatore: Oh thank god! I was worried things couldn’t get any worse!
Klaus: So when this is all over with, you know I’m totally throwing Elena in the trunk and heading for Toledo, right?
Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, I kinda figured. I call shotgun.
Klaus: Really? What’s the catch?
Stefan Salvatore: No catch, I’m just really turned on by the idea of Elena being vulnerable while Damon isn’t around.
Damon Salvatore: Hey, remember that time we signed the deed to this place over to Elena, so vampires couldn’t get in? And then remember that time she died, so that the seal broke and vampires could get in again?
Abby Bennet Wilson: Hey, remember that time I was alive and I could talk to plants, and then you murdered me and I was dead and also a vampire and I couldn’t talk to plants anymore?
Damon Salvatore: Hey, remember that time when zzzzzzzzzzzzz sorry you’re boring the hell out of me wake me up when you’re useful or interesting OH WAIT that’ll be never guess I’ll just get drunk then.
Bonnie Bennet: Hey remember that time you fought an unkillable vampire so instead you desiccated him and wrapped him in chains and buried him in a crypt? Because we’d kind of like to do that again.
Abby Bennet Wilson: But Bonnie! To desiccate a vampire you’ll have to tap into … ~*~ dark magic ~*~
Thomas: DO IT DO IT DO IT GIVE IN TO YOUR HATE FEEL THE POWER OF THE DARK SIDE STRIKE HER DOWN AND RULE AT MY SIDE wait what’s going on?
Abby Bennet Wilson: Also, to perform the spell you’ll have to kill someone!
Thomas: DO THAT TOO I HAVE A LIST DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY LIST LET ME SHOW YOU MY LIST HEY IS THAT YOUR NAME AT THE TOP OF THE LIST WHY I THINK IT IS YOU KNOW MARTYRDOM IS IN THIS SEASON.
Bonnie Bennet: Hey, did you know that Samsung has this neat app that let’s you track your friends’ every move? See, I just enter Caroline and Elena’s names and this Samsung app shows me that they’re somewhere within a mile of here! If only Elena had had this awesome Samsung app the last several dozen times she’s been kidnapped!
Damon Salvatore: Is there an app that will make you shut up?
Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! I got your text message, and you’re right! You did break my heart! And I’m interested to hear how you plan to fix it!
Damon Salvatore: …The Gilbert kids aren’t real good at reading comprehension, are they?
Klaus: Speaking of reading comprehension, look at what I just found on Ancestry.com! It’s proof that I’m the vampire that created Katherine, and thus the Salvatores, not to mention Caroline and Tyler! So nobody better let me die, or there won’t be a show any more!
Damon Salvatore: Bro, you totally just printed that out at home. Ancestry.com doesn’t even do vampires.
Klaus: Sure, just keep telling yourself that.
Bonnie Bennet: Speaking of bloodlines, here, take a shot of witch blood! That’ll let me blah blah blah plot point!
Vampilaric Stabman: Bad news, Elena. I really don’t think you’re going to qualify for the Junior Vampire Hunter scholarship. You know, because you’re sleeping with a vampire. And making out in seedy motels with another vampire. And your best friend is a vampire. And your other friend’s mother is a vampire.
Elena Gilbert: Oh shucks! I was really counting on that scholarship now that you aren’t alive to pay for my education!
Vampilaric Stabman: But I have good news! You might still qualify if you do a little extra credit … like staking a vampire1
Elena Gilbert: I’ll do it! Just find me a vampire!
Caroline Forbes: Whimper.
Elena Gilbert: Oh! I see what you did there. Super Elena stake fake to vervain grenade smash powers activate!
Caroline Forbes: You can be sure the school board will be hearing about this, Mr. Saltzman!
Klaus: Caroline, honey? Why don’t you go eat one of the locals while I murder everyone in the building.
The Lady of the Manor: Still in love with Klaus over here.
Vampilaric Stabman: Super vampire Elena smashing powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Super main character making puppy eyes at the bad guy and convincing him not to eat me powers activate!
Stefan and Damon Salvatore: Super vampire tag team powers activate!
Vampilaric Stabman: Super vampire neck snap rolling DDT powers activate!
Klaus: Super vampire … just kind of standing here and poking him with my fingers a little but it’s enough for the spell shut up powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: Okay, here we go! “Stop Jeremy’s heart at my bequest, and give Vampilaric cardiac arrest!”
Vampilaric Stabman: Super vampire breaking Klaus’ wrist powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: Sweet! The spell didn’t work! Vampilaric is still undead and ready to murder us all!
Jeremy Gilbert: And why is that a good thing?
Bonnie Bennet: Because it wasn’t my fault this time!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Vampilaric! I’ve been thinking … Esther didn’t want you to live forever, and she said she needed my extra special Doppelganger blood to turn you into a vampire, and that probably means that killing myself would kill you to!
Vampilaric Stabman: Jesus, you pick now to become smart again? For fuck’s sake.
Klaus: Hi Elena! Thanks for saving my ass back there. Speaking of … I’m really sick of my mother using your blood to send violent abominations after me, so I figured I’d drain you dry and drop your corpse on the Castle steps.
Vampilaric Stabman: Hi guys! You’re probably wondering why I haven’t killed you yet. Well, funny story! You see, Esther bound my life to Elena’s, because Elena is the dead center of the universe, around which all other plot lines revolve! And Klaus figured that out, so he’s going to stock up on hybrid juice and then kill her! And me! And since it’s still daytime, and I can’t go outside, I need you two to do what you do best?
Damon Salvatore: Drink?
Stefan Salvatore: Inspire incestuous slashfic?
Damon Salvatore: Stir up the Shipper Wars?
Stefan Salvatore: Wax my eyebrows?
Vampilaric Stabman: Save Elena. Jesus. Why is everyone on this show so stupid?
Elena Gilbert: But Klaus! If you kill me, you won’t have enough blood to make an army! I mean, with six quarts of my blood, you can only create what, seven, eight million hybrids?
Klaus: Yeah, I was thinking about that. Turns out, I don’t really need a hybrid army.
Elena Gilbert: Because you have your family?
Klaus: Because they’re fucking useless. Anyway, enough shop talk! Let’s talk about boys! Come on, just between us girls … which Salvatore would you pick? I mean, if I wasn’t going to kill you.
Elena Gilbert: I’d pick … HAHAHA JUST KIDDING WE’RE GOING TO RIDE THIS SHIPPER WAR TRAIN STRAIGHT TO HELL LOL
Tyler Lockwood: Hi Elena! I’m here to save you!
Klaus: Hi Tyler! So what happened to that Sire bond thingie?
Tyler Lockwood: I’m not your little bitch any more!
Klaus: Oh yeah? Then why am I bitch slapping you all over my house? Bitchslap! Bitchslap! Bitchslap!
Neville the Devilcorgipire: You leave that nice doggy alone!
Damon Salvatore: Super vampire grabbing Klaus’ left arm powers activate!
Tyler Lockwood: Super vampire grabbing Klaus’ right arm powers activate!
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire grabbing Klaus’ cock powers activate!
The Producers: Whisper whisper whisper.
Stefan Salvatore: Oh, sorry! I must have read that on FanFiction.net, not in the script! Super vampire grabbing Klaus’ heart powers activate!
Bonnie Bennet: “Klaus’ death would unleash terrible fan rage, so instead we’ll put him in a cage!”
The Lady of the Manor: Bonnie is a dirty, dirty whore.
Thomas: NO! NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO NO FUCK!
Elena Gilbert: Hold on guys, I have to fall in slow motion and hit my head on this ice pick! Don’t worry, I’m sure this won’t be important in a few minutes!
Jeremy Gilbert: Um, Bonnie? Kind of dead over here. Little help?
Bonnie Bennet: Don’t worry! I had to learn CPR in order to become a babysitter!
Jeremy Gilbert: Bonnie, you’re not a babysitter …
Bonnie Bennet: Oh well!
Stefan Salvatore: So Elena, you’ve lost pints of blood, hit your head, and have been talking backwards since we left Klaus’. You sure you’re okay?
Elena Gilbert: Me fine! Head good! Brain work not bad all! Pixies!
Caroline Forbes: Don’t worry guys, there’s a drink that will fix her right up!
Damon Salvatore: My blood?
Caroline Forbes: Tequila!
Elena Gilbert: Drink tasty! Thin blood good head hurt! Cantaloupe!
Damon Salvatore: So yeah, we’re gonna go drop Klaus in the ocean …
Stefan Salvatore: And it might be a long time before you see us again …
Damon Salvatore: So if there’s anything you want to tell us …
Stefan Salvatore: Or tell one of us …
Elena Gilbert: Choose boy hard! Person horrible me am! Sex both of you do! America!
Vampilaric Stabman: Hi everybody! I just wanted to let you know that the Sheriff’s daughter is a vampire, the unelected Mayor’s husband was a werewolf, her son is a hybrid, you’re all shitty protectors, I’m an uber-vamp, and you’re all going to die. Did anyone bring pretzels? I like a little salt with my slaughter.
Damon Salvatore: You know what my favorite part of today was? The part where we didn’t die. That was pretty neat.
Stefan Salvatore: So I’ve been thinking … Elena’s going to have to chose one of us sooner or later. And if she choses you … I’ll leave town and let you two be happy together.
Damon Salvatore: Oh, I see how it is. You stick me with the whiny teenage neanderthal, let me watch her get all old and wrinkly, let me be the one that puts her in an assisted living facility, while you take all the credit for being a good guy! Oh no, I don’t think so! You can have her!
Elena Gilbert: Funny feel I do! Aneurism having me probably am! Save vampire blood need me! Tacos!
Thomas: YES! YES YES YES YES YES FUCK AND YES THIS IS AWESOME FUCK AND YES YES YES YES YES YES! #FUCKANDYES
The Plot: Thickens.
The cold opening alone makes this one of the best episodes of the season. Hell, of the show’s entire run. When Alaric chased Caroline, snapped her neck, and dragged her back into the school, all while burning beneath the sun’s harsh gaze, we knew for certain that Alaric was dead and Vampilaric was here to stay.
And having Vampilaric go after Caroline was brilliant. Nobody touches Vampire Barbie, and that move instantly got the audience over their post-Alaric mourning and hating the latest big bad.
I liked Jeremy’s reaction to Stefan. My biggest gripe about any character is when they have no personality and no initiative. Jeremy didn’t do a whole lot this episode, but he at least had a voice. It was perfectly natural for him to be pissed at Stefan – and vampires in general – for taking his friend / mentor / dad away from him, and he let Stefan know that he wasn’t blinded by the Return of the Hero Hair. Good on you, Jeremy.
The Siege of Fort Gilbert was almost my favorite thing that happened this week. The frustration and anger was visible as Klaus stalked back and forth in front of the house, and his choice of weapons was both slapstick and genuinely threatening. It was a fantastic balance. And the pouty look on his face when he didn’t get to blow the house up as priceless.
Vampilaric’s torture of Caroline was seven kinds of messed up, and perfectly acted by everyone involved. His cold malice while Elena tried to comprehend what was happening, the joy he took in soaking Caroline’s gag with
battery acid vervain … this was a totally different character than the Alaric we all knew, and Ernesto hit it out of the park.
This show kind of had a Season One feeling to it, too … but in the right way. Damon had his snark back, Stefan had his Hero Hair back, Bonnie is distrustful of vampires but not awful about it, and Elena is freaking the fuck out … but also doing what she has to do. I’ve missed these characters.
Also, it was fantastic to see Klaus being a bad guy for a change. The Siege did a lot to remind us that he really is the most powerful thing walking around … which made it all that more impacting when Vampilaric kicked his ass.
“Just between us girls” was one of the best lines ever uttered on this show.
Klaus’ desiccation was perfect. It was a perfect solution, because Klaus and his family have kind of been overwhelming the show, but he’s too popular (and too good a character) to kill off. This way they can just put him in a coffin until they inevitably need to wake him up to help defeat the Wendigo or something. And it was perfectly acted, too. The look on Klaus’ face … the disbelief, the empty betrayal, was amazing. It’s no wonder Joseph Morgan has made such a bastard so sympathetic. The guy is awesome.
Did anyone else notice that Bonnie got some Dark Willow-esque scary veins when she cast the desiccation spell? This is the only thing that could possibly get me excited about her character, and I’m glad they (apparently) have the balls to do it.
All in all, this was an excellent season finale. I can’t wait to see how they set up Season Four next week.
And as to Elena’s impending death, and near-certain vamping? I have only one thing to say: