Melissa Glaser: Nick is alive! Nick is alive! Nick is alive!
Faye Chamberlain: And hell bent on mass murder, chaos, and destruction.
Melissa Glaser: Do you think he’ll go steady with me?
John Blackwell: Hey Diana, got a second?
Diana Meade: For you? Absolutely not!
Cassie Blake: Don’t mind her, she’s just upset that you got her mother knocked up, and are kinda sorta responsible for all of the trauma in her life, and may or may not be plotting to murder us all in some sort of dark magic ritual.
John Blackwell: Speaking of dark magic ritual, would you like to help me find the last crystal, form the Crystal Skull, and rule the world with an iron fist?
Cassie Blake: Boy would I!
Cassie Blake: “Through the power of this tracking spell, show me my mother’s high school hell!”
Cassie Blake: Hi Diana! I did a magic spell and it showed me my mother talking to your mother! But it didn’t show me your mother talking to my mother! I think it’s because I came out of my mother’s babymaker and not your mother’s babymaker! But I bet if we were both there we could see both mothers talking about our father!
Diana Meade: Yeah, I’m not so much with the dark magic these days …
Cassie Blake: Dark magic what dark magic all we need is your signature signed in your blood on this contract written on human flesh declaring your eternal allegiance to the Unclean One.
Diana Meade: Well when you put it that way … no.
Cassie Blake: Great! We can do the spell during prom!
Diana Meade: Yep, that’s exactly how I imagined my prom going. Way better than getting motorboated by Grant.
Cassie Blake: Diana, don’t be silly! Grant works on a sail boat, not a motor boat!
Diana Meade: You poor, delicate moron.
Faye Chamberlain: Hi Jake! I can’t help but notice you look like you’re about to invade a small country with nothing but your tortured soul!
Jake Armstrong: Don’t be silly! I also have this really big knife!
Faye Chamberlain: Yes, that’s much better, thanks.
Charles Meade: Hi Diana! I’m going to try to cement our relationship by giving you expensive jewelry!
Diana Meade: Being the bastard child of a demon whore is awesome!
Adam Conant: Hi Cassie! You should let me take you to prom tonight! In a totally platonic and in no way romantic way!
Faye Chamberlain: No way! First it’s a car ride, then it’s hand holding, then it’s dancing, then it’s my date dying in my arms! You two need to keep a phone book between you so your privates don’t make us explode!
Melissa Glaser: Hey, did you guys know that Faye and Jake were supposed to go to prom together two years ago?
Faye Chamberlain: Hey, did you guys know that Melissa needs to be shutting the hell up now?
Charles Meade: Hi Dawn! I’m worried about our kids! And our lives!
Dawn Chamberlain: Don’t worry, I’m going to cast a spell on Blackwell to make him tell me his evil plan!
Charles Meade: But Dawn, you don’t have any magic!
Dawn Chamberlain: I’m going to cast a spell … with my boobies!
Charles Meade: I stand corrected!
Nick Armstrong: Hi Melissa! I need your help!
Melissa Glaser: Great! Take off your pants and we’ll get right to it!
Nick Armstrong: Yeah, this is less a “get my rocks off” kind of help and more of a “get my drug fix” kind of help. And by “drugs” I mean “rocks”, but by “rocks” I mean “crystals.”
Adam Conant: Hi guys!
Nick Armstrong: RAGEQUIT!
John Blackwell: Hi Dawn! I was just wondering what you said to get Charles to stay in Chance Harbor!
Dawn Chamberlain: It wasn’t so much “talking” as it was “jumping jacks in a tight sweater.”
John Blackwell: So you didn’t tell him to poison my relationship with my/his daughter and work with you in order to destroy me?
Dawn Chamberlain: ….No?
John Blackwell: Great! Well, back to work I go!
Melissa Glaser: I’m worried about Nick!
Adam Conant: I’m worried about Jake!
Faye Chamberlain: I’m worried you’re about your lack of alcohol!
Jake Armstrong: I’m gonna stab somebody!
Faye Chamberlain: I hope that’s innuendo!
Diana Meade: You know what I’d rather do than conjure ghosts from the past? That cute Australian guy over there.
Grant: Hi Diana! Let’s make small talk! And then babies!
Diana Meade: Why Grant, I never!
Cassie Blake: Captain Cock Block to the rescue!
Diana Meade: …Thanks. Bitch.
Charles Meade: Well, I think I’ll just grab a cold beer, settle in, watch some sports …
John Blackwell: “Drive Charles Meade: crazy even further, by replaying Amelia’s murder!”
Charles Meade: And claw my own eyes out while shrieking in terror.
Cassie Blake: I’ll look for the crystal!
Jake Armstrong: I’ll patrol the school!
Melissa Glaser: I’ll try to find Nick!
Faye Chamberlain: Am I the only person interested in dancing, drinking, and sex? Really?
Dawn Chamberlain (on the phone): Charles? Where are you? The dance started an hour ago!
Charles Meade (on the phone): Hold on, busy reliving a murder through the eyes of my victim!
John Blackwell: “Killing him wold be too lazy, instead I’ll drive Charles bat shit crazy!”
Cassie Blake: You guys watch the door and make sure nobody comes in!
Adam Conant: Are you girls gonna have a naked pillow fight?
Cassie Blake: No! We’re going to cast a very serious time traveling, crystal finding spell!
Adam Conant: :-(
Cassie Blake: Just kidding, we need more ratings. Everybody take your clothes off.
Amelia Blake: Hi Elizabeth! We should all leave town before John Blackwell impregnates us, betrays us, and lights us on fire with his brain!
Elizabeth Meade: Don’t be silly! John would neverlight us on fire with his brain! He’d use his creepy amulet!
Rent-a-cop Ralph: Hi pasty guy with dark circles under your eyes and in obvious need of a drug fix!
Nick Armstrong: Super demon neck snapping powers activate!
Rent-a-cop Ralph: This is going on my highlight reel!
Amelia Blake: Hey, did you know Blackwell has knocked up literally every girl in Chance Harbor? Some of them twice?
Elizabeth Meade: On the bright side, we can do an entire season of Teen Mom by ourselves!
Amelia Blake: As long as we don’t die tonight! LOL
Elizabeth Meade: HAHAHA
Amelia Blake: Hold on, let me drop this super important and really powerful magic talisman in the soccer team’s championship cup!
Elizabeth Meade: Then we can go get lattes!
Melissa Glaser: Do you ever feel like our lives are spinning wildly out of control, and that there’s no way to save ourselves, and that we’re going to live short, sad lives filled with terror and violence until we’re inevitably killed?
Adam Conant: Sometimes.
Melissa Glaser: If only there was some way to bring comfort, however brief, to our lives.
Adam Conant: Word.
Melissa Glaser: Some way we could share a brief moment of intimacy.
Adam Conant: Sounds good.
Melissa Glaser: Someone we could trust, and open up to, and share a little magic with.
Adam Conant: Right there with you.
Melissa Glaser: Someone you have remarkable chemistry with. Someone you hang out with all the time. Someone you got drunk and found a crystal with last episode.
Adam Conant: Yeah, that would be sweet.
Melissa Glaser: You’re going to die a virgin, aren’t you?
Faye Chamberlain: If you keep playing with that knife in your pocket, people might get the wrong idea!
Jake Armstrong: …The knife is strapped to my leg.
Faye Chamberlain: You need to meet me behind the bleachers. Right. Now.
Amelia Blake: Hi Grandpa Contant! We’re gonna turn Blackwell over to the witch hunters tonight! Also, Blackwell used magic to make sure the main characters would be born!
Grandpa Conant: How diabolical! It would have been way easier to poke everyone’s condoms with a pin!
Cassie Blake: Wow, our father really is evil! I guess I shouldn’t have convinced all of you to trust him! LOL
Diana Meade: Yeah, I kind of really hate you.
Adam Conant: Hi guys! I have the crystal!
Nick Armstrong: Hi guys! I have a hell of a right hook!
Diana Meade: Hi daddy! Why are you lying on the floor, rocking slowly back and forth, and sucking your thumb?
Charles Meade: Oh, no reason. Just had a flashback to the night I murdered Cassie’s mom in the most horrible way I could imagine, that’s all.
Diana Meade: Yep, that’s pretty much the only way tonight could have gotten worse. Way to go, universe. Way to do.
Grant: Hi Diana! Is this a good time to make romantic advances?
Diana Meade: Wow is it ever not.
Faye Chamberlain: Seriously? Another creepy, poorly lit death trap? can’t Nick hide out at the mall or something?
Jake Armstrong: We don’t have a really big budget. These places come cheap.
Nick Armstrong: Hi Eben! I have the crystal!
Eben: Hi Nick! I have demons!
Cassie Blake: Hi guys! I have dark magic!
Eben: Hi Cassie! I can throw you around with my brain!
John Blackwell: Hi Eben! I can kick your ass with my brain!
Eben: Hi John! I can also throw cars with my brain!
Nick Armstrong: Hi Jake! Let’s wrestle!
Melissa Glaser: Hi Nick! Let’s die of stab wounds!
Nick Armstrong: x_x
John Blackwell: Hi guys! I got the crystal and scared Eben away!
Adam Conant: Great! Hey, where’s Faye?
John Blackwell: Yeah, about that …
The Plot: Thickens.
Just a few quick thoughts on this one.
Prom continues TSC‘s recent winning streak. I love how Blackwell tormented Charles with visions of Amelia’s death, and how his intentions are getting murkier with every episode. Whatever he is now, it’s clear that in 1995, John Blackwell was an utter bastard.
I love Faye. She had some great lines in this episode, and I love how she’s never too overwhelmed by the terror and violence to get drunk, dance, and get laid. And that dress? Was fantastic.
I’m glad Nick’s dead. He wasn’t really contributing anything to the overall plot.
Adam and Melissa need to run off and make little magic babies together. Those two are excellent together.