Tara Thornton: Super baby vampire Sookie eating powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Wow … I expected turning her into a vampire to be a complete clusterfuck, but it’s already paying dividends!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! But if she Tara kills Sookie, Sookie can’t use her magic fairy vagina to make Eric love you again!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Christ the story lines on this show are complicated. But all right, Tara, bad doggie. No eating the insufferable blond.
Tara Thornton: :-(=
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: But you can wreck the shit out of her house!
Tara Thornton: :-)=
Nora: Hi Salome! A really funny thing happened on the way to turning in these fugitives, who I totally captured for you and was in no way aiding or abetting!
Salome Agrippa: Bitch please!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Hey! That’s my line!
Salome Agrippa: …Anyway, let’s get on with the torture. Also, let’s take the tall one’s clothes off. He’s nummy.
Eric Northman: :-)=
Redneck Cannible Wolf One: Fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: No, fuck you!
Redneck Cannible Wolf Two: No, fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: No, fuck you!
Redneck Cannible Wolf Three: No, fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: No, fuck you!
Redneck Cannible Wolf Four: No, fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: …What the fuck happened to my storyline? Fuck me.
Sam Merlotte: Little help here? Anyone? Anyone at all? I’d really like to go to the hospital …
Terry Bellefleur: Hi Arlene! I’m just going to stand creepily over your bed, like that chick from Paranormal Activity! Also I’m going to have a Nam Iraq flashback!
Tara Thornton: Super baby vampire wrecking all of your shit powers activate!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Wow, turning a person who hates vampires with the undying passion of a million exploding suns turned out to be a terrible idea!
Sookie Stackhouse: I know, right? Who could have possibly foreseen this disastrous turn of events!
Ginger: Hi Pam! Why are you all dirty!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: I was under ground all night … what’s your excuse?
Ginger: I’m just gonna … go … whiskey.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: And I’m going to have a flashback to San Francisco, circa 1905!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi PattyProstitute, have you seen Clare?
Patty Prostitute: Sure have! Mr. Danton cut her into tiny pieces in room 103!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: …Well fuck.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Eric! We’re … out of … celery, and I totally can’t make such an important business decision as “buying more celery” without your approval, so call me! XOXO P.S. No, I’m not desperate. P.P.S. Except to get this celery thing taken care of.
Nigel Beckford: Hi guys! What are you in for?
Vampire Bill: Oh, you know, we were kind of responsible for a murder spree that set back Vampire Rights by a century, we unleashed the ghost of a witch that nearly murdered every vampire in Louisiana, we kind of fired off a rocket launcher in downtown Shreveport, and we sort of murdered Nan Flannigan, Spokesvampire. What about you? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Nigel Beckford: Oh, I eat babies.
Eric Northman: …?
Nora: No, seriously. He eats babies.
Eric Northman: This show isn’t subtle, is it?
Nora: You spent all of last episode banging your “sister” inside a shipping container, and you’re just realizing this?
Dieter Braun: Hi guys! So, who wants to tell me all about the sanguinistas?
Vampire Bill: I’d like to tell you to go fuck yourself! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Nigel Beckford: …Fuck.
Dieter Braun: Hey, you guys are looking a little pale … how about some sun?
Nigel Beckford: Fuck!
The Door: Knock knock knock!
Sam Merlotte: Well, that probably isn’t anyone who wants to kill me, so I better open the door!
Martha: Hi guys!
Sam Merlotte: Well that backfired in a completely unforeseeable way!
Martha: Oh don’t worry, I’m not here to kill you, I’m here to induct baby Emma into our cannibal pack!
Luna the Were-Stallion: Fuck you!
Sam Merlotte: Wait, let’s hear her out on this one …
Luna the Were-Stallion: Fuck you, too!
Sam Merlotte: Okay!
Luna the Were-Stallion: …No, not in the “let’s take off our clothes and have the sexy sex” way, but in the “let’s throw your shit out on the lawn and then I’ll call the judge and get a restraining order” way.
Sam Merlotte: Wow, that’s a really overloaded word! You should be more careful about ambiguity!
Luna the Were-Stallion: Fuck you!
Sam Merlotte: …That’s still not the good kind of “fucking”, is it? No? Okay then.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, Tara’s still wrecking all of my shit! She’s been at it for like five hours now!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! And it’s getting close to sunrise! We have to get her into Eric’s cubby hole?
Sookie Stackhouse: I know! You cut your wrist to distract her, and then I’ll wrap a bunch of silver chains around her throat, and we’ll drag her underground!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! That’s a great idea! She’s sure to love us again after we hep her out like that!
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s why they call me Brainy McSmartypants!
Andy Bellefleur: Jason! I had sex!
Jason Stackhouse: Hey! Welcome to the club!
Andy Bellefleur: It wasn’t the first time, ass much! Anyway, she won’t call me, and I want to know what I did wrong!
Jason Stackhouse: Wrong? You got to eat the pie without buying the cow! That’s doing something right, my friend!
Andy Bellefleur: Eat the pie without … oh, whatever. Let’s go check out the car that crazy bitch abandoned by the side of the road before she went to assault your sister.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Gary! Russell Edgington is trying to eat me, and I need your help!
Gary Gunnut: Hi Sookie! I have jack shit in the way of effective weapons, mostly because some of the vampires in this show are literally faster than a speeding bullet, but I can offer you several hundred dollars worth of useless bullshit and “Protected by ADT” signs!
Sookie Stackhouse: Great!
Terry Bellefleur: Well, looks like it’s time to assassinate my character. Hey Arlene! C’mere and lemme slap you around some!
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I guess I’ll just set up this silver air freshener right over the front door! I bet this won’t result in any wacky misunderstandings later!
Lafayette Reynolds’ Brain: Bitch please! Well, Tara’s pretty miserable, so I guess I better put a stake through her heart!
Sookie Stackhouse: Lafayette, no! Tara is the best character on the show, and her plot lines are always the most engaging of the season! We can’t afford to lose her!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You’re totally right! The fans would riot if we killed off such a dynamic, beloved character!
Sookie Stackhouse: Let’s hug it out!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Okay!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin (on the television): Hi everybody! I just wanted to let you know that after three decades of preaching a false gospel, I’ve finally found God’s real truth! And don’t worry, the fact that I’m have a metric shit ton of repressed violent tendencies and a penchant for the literal interpretation of ancient texts in no way means I’ve joined a vampire blood cult! Also I’m still totally straight and only like Jason Stackhouse as a friend.
Ronny Rapist: Hi Pam! I’m here to cut your throat and make love to your neck hole!
Eric Northman: Super vampire cutting your throat with my fingernails powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Why Mr. Northman, I do declare!
Eric Northman: <3 :-)= <3
Dieter Braun: Hi Bill! I’m here to ask you a bunch of questions about a blood cult that you’ve never heard of! And to pump you full of blah blah blah blah silver!
Vampire Bill: :-(= (Except he frowned all formal and accent-ey)
Dieter Braun: Oh, and to drop a bunch of exposition on the audience! For example, we have a vampire bible, and the fundamentalists believe God is a vampire and that Adam and Eve were created to be our food!
Vampire Bill: But that doesn’t make any goddamn sense! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Dieter Braun: Oops! Silver!
Salome Agrippa: Hi Eric! I’m here to ask you a bunch of questions about a blood cult that you’ve never heard of! And to pump you full of blah blah blah blah silver!
Eric Northman: That’s nice. Can we fuck first? Because I haven’t has sex in like three hours, and I’m getting antsy.
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: Hi Jessica! I’d like to buy Jason off of you!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Twenty thousand dollars!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: No way! He’s worth ten thousand, and not a penny more!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Really? You could wash your clothes on his abs! And he’s got an ass that’ll crack walnuts!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: Fangboner!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: And his penis? The word “pumpjack” comes to mind!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: Manboner!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Aw, that’s so cute! Now get the fuck out of my house.
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: :-(=
Arlene Fowler: Hi Noel! Let’s talk about Terry behind his back! But let’s also make it look like we’re having an affair!
Whatever the Fuck Noel from Felicity‘s name is: Great idea! I bet that won’t set off his anger management issues at all!
Terry Bellefleur: Hi guys! Remember how I used to be a sweet, lovable war vet just trying to make his way through the world? Me either! Ragepunch!
Jason Stackhouse: Hi Hoyt! I just wanted to say I’m sorry for fucking your girlfriend!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jason! You can go fuck yourself!
Maxine Fortenberry: Hoyt! Language!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Fuck you, mama! I’m fucking fixing your fucking sink because you can’t fucking stop yourself from fucking pouring fucking grease down the fucking drain, so if you don’t fucking like the fucking fact the I fucking say fucking fuck, fuck off!
Maxine Fortenberry: Jason stackhouse, get the fuck out of my house! Thanks for splitting up Hoyt and that red headed slut!
Emma the WerePuppy: Hi mommy! I’m a puppy!
Tara Thornton: Hi Sookie! Hi Lafayette! I’m just going to take a nice walk in the cool night air, then …
Sookie Stackhouse: Get hit in the face with the silver spraying vampire trap I set up right outside the front door?
Tara Thornton: Fuck. You.
Roman Zimojic: Hi everybody! We’re about to execute a pair of dirty traitors for they various and sundry crimes against our people, but first, let’s allow them to see our most sacred ritual … the consumption of the Blood of Lilith, the FIrst Vampire, created in God’s Own Image, and the Mother of us all!
Salome Agrippa: And who just happens to be sleeping behind inside ornate vault!
Roman Zimojic: Shh! Don’t spoil the end of the season! Anyway, yammer yammer yammer, blood god demon mother superior race, etc etc Amen.
Salome Agrippa: Now can we murder these two fuck-ups?
Roman Zimojic: We sure can!
Eric Northman: Right after we tell you where Russell Edgington is, right?
Roman Zimojic: Wait, what?
Vampire Bill: Oh, did we forget to mention that Russell Edgington, the most dangerous vampire in the modern world, is alive and free? And how we’re the only ones who can stop him? And how if you kills us it’ll set back your agenda by a century? Again? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: And how, if you let us live, we’ll gladly help you not destroy everything you’ve worked to build?
Roman Zimojic: …Fuck.
Russell Edginton: Hey guys? Can someone get me a loofah? My skin’s a little dry.
The Plot: Thickens.
You know what I don’t care about? Roughly seventy-five percent of the plot lines on this show.
I have no interest in whose mother Jason fucked this week, or where Andy’s sticking his dick. I give less than a shit about Terry’s PTSD or the Ghost of Iraq Veterans Past or Noel from Felicity. Sam and Luna and the Werepuppy are completely unsympathetic and uninteresting. Tara is still terrible, Sookie is still an idiot, and Lafayette is less awesome for hanging out with them.
I am glad, though, that they spent so much time this episode on the things I do care about … Jessica, Bill and Eric, and Russell Edgington. I only wish they’d spend more time with Alcide, preferably on a plot that doesn’t involve Sam or a pack of redneck cannibals.
I also like the attention they pay to little details, like the fact that all of the vampires wear gold jewelry instead of silver, and how the Chancellors all had bottles of true blood set out for them.
The whole “God is a Vampire” myth makes zero sense. If God is a vampire, whose blood was he drinking? Although I guess you could take a Gnostic approach, and say that “God” is actually the Demiurge, a super-powerful creature that created the world, but isn’t actually at the top of the pantheon.
Of course, the fact that the legend makes no sense if kind of the point. One of the main threads this season is “fuck fundamentalism,” a motto I whole-heartedly endorse. We should expect the vampire creation myth to be stupid … which is why most vampires have moved on.
Anyway, here’s how I expect the rest of the season to go down: Russell Edgington turns out to be the leader of the Sanguinistas, Steve Newlin joins his team, they wake up Lilith, and they spend five or six episodes building up to an epic showdown, which is never actually paid off.
And there will probably be some more fucking fairies, too.
[...] On to the next episode! [...]
Wow… I’m definitely not regretting dumping HBO. Looks like the show is heading downhill fast.. and we’re only on the second episode of the season. To think they actually have some good stuff in there, if only they’d keep their heads out of their ass long enough to notice. Thanks again for an awesome recap Thomas! Take care!
Thomas, I agree. I’m not interested in Jason’s man-whoring. I do enjoy some of his relationship with Jessica. I’m not into the story with Andy, either. I feel like they are taking too many sidetracks with inconsequential stories that take away from the show as a whole. I wish Sookie would go to Oz, find the Wizard and get a brain. I think they could have done a lot with her this season if she wasn’t a complete idiot. Alcide is being wasted, as is Sam. On a different note, I am enjoying the Post-Sookie relationship between Eric and Bill and I hope Russell is as suavely vicious as was before. Thanks for the recap.
You are totally right about 75% of this show beeing unwatchable, except I also hate Alcide, basically it leaves me only Eric, Pam and Jessica, the last one becoming less awesome with each episode. Whereas Teen Wolf started as a ridiculous cheap and rather stupid show but getting progressively better and now I can actually consider them TVD younger brother. Even recaps of true blood are almost boring (sorry for saying this Thomas, I usually really love your recaps and sorry for off topic).
On the topic, I am glad they’re bringing Russel Edgington back, he was awesome. And the new gay american vampire is rather entertaining, I really hope he will harass Jason more (but not rape, poor guy had that enough). And I can’t stop thinking that they try to make Tara into character from the book named Bubba or smth like that, he was also retarded (or i just completely misunderstood this, ’cause I dont care)
Ugh. This show. They need to cut out all the storylines… It makes you dizzy the way they keep switching back and forth like that.
You’re reviews make watching it so much better. I know I should have stopped watching it a few seasons ago, but it’s like a car wreck in slow motion. You just can’t help but look. Most of this season is blah and boring, and thankfully AB’s last season. Although there’s soo much damage done, that there’s no possible way to recouperate on S6. I’m guessing there will be a S6, since the actors signed contracts for 6 seasons. Too many storylines this season and most of them boring. Geesh, even soap operas limited themselves to about 3 storylines per episode. I feel like I’m in a revolving door trying to keep up. I, too, wish we had more Alcide, but I believe Sam and Alcide’s storylines this season have been relegated to being half or all naked.
I don’t think they meant that God is a vampire;I think they meant that Lilith was made a vampire (instead of human) so she can live forever like God does …or sth like that.I like this theory!Or should I say I like what I THINK the theory is?!Ha,ha.Anyway,I enjoyed this recap,but I can’t say I loved it;and I don’t mean that you’re not funny or that you didn’t do a great job.I’m blaming the show’s writers for not giving you better material to work with.There are so many storylines this season and so many characters that I don’t even know their names and you know what?I don’t even care to know their names!I’m looking forward to seeing a Russell vs the Authority showdown but I’m pretty sure,it will be overshadowed by whom Elena …um,sorry,I mean Sookie chooses to sleep with…
God being a vampire is less ridiculous than The Authority sparing Bill and Eric because only they know how to kill Russell. What!!!? Unless God and vampire are defined differently but the writers aren’t that smart.
I skipped half the episode and it was still mediocre.
I applaud you for slogging through it. I gave up. I’m a bookie and that show is just awful. Even if I hadn’t read the books, that show is awful. There’s just no interest in writing dynamic characters, or interesting storylines or even storylines that make sense.
At this point, Tara should become a murderous killing machine. God, that would be awesome. She could go on a killing spree and get rid of Hoyt and his mama, Noel, Luna, Martha, Sam.
Then Sookie and Lafayette (with the help of Jesus’s ghost! where is he?) have to track her down.
Oh, how about if Tara partners up with Russell? I missed Russell. And his vase of Talbot goop. Ah, that was good stuff. Yeah, so Tara, bitter over being a vamp, finds herself with Russell and just decides to be a badass vampire (READ: No more screaming.) I think Denis O’Hare is good enough that Tara partnered with him could be tolerable.
As for Eliot from Law and Order. Well, my sister and I were talking about his over-the-top, over-acting self and it dawned on us that his acting was absolutately perfect for this show! Nothing subtle on True Blood. He just transferred his law enforcing “I’m about ten seconds from killing you” badass self to “I’m about ten seconds from ending you.” I still wish it was Richard Belzer they added to the cast.
I watched “American Horror Story” on FX last year and that show was just awesome. It makes this seem like it’s being written by middle schoolers or folks with ADD.
Meh.
Anyway, thanks for the recap.
Well, let’s say that, after watching the entire Game of Thrones’ season 2, TB gets me find HBO quite disappointing…
I mean, they KNOW how to make great shows, so…why the hell is TB becoming so LAME?
The show has always had really good actors, a great potential, sex, drugs & Rock ‘n’ roll…why waste all of it with useless side plots and unbearable characters?
Actually i liked this episode, because the whole plot with Eric, Bill and the Authority is really intriguing (even if i find that God-vampire thing pure rubbish and i’m still puzzled about how a 1000 years old vampire like Eric could have been abducted in such a way…”Hello!Ambush!”). Pam is awesome, as always, and Jessica has still a lot to give as character. But everything else (i agree with Thomas about the 75% percentage) is simply boring and sometimes pure nonsense.
Anyway, keep it on, your recaps are always the state of the art!
ah I missed the episode last week, thanks for the recap. Gawd most of it is so stupid. I too would love for Tara to go on a killing rampage.
Your recaps make the show so much better. The best line had to be :
“Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Wow … I expected turning her into a vampire to be a complete clusterfuck, but it’s already paying dividends!” -> my exact thought during the scene.
Granted this episode had some (*a lot of*) boring storylines, but right now the good ones are entertaining enough to make up for it. And the werepuppy in a pajama was adorable (by the way, did it shrink when what’s her name turned ? Because it fitted the puppy perfectly).
Vampires probably made up the whole “God is a vampire” thing, but Him/Her creating Lilith, then Adam & Eve to feed her could be true. I’m wondering if this makes Lilith the TB equivalent of an Original. If so, is she invincible like Klaus & co ? We’ll have to wait and see I guess.
I would also love to see Tara go on a killing spree, but with these writers, she’ll probably start killing the interesting characters first so…
Anyway thanks for the good laugh, can’t wait for the next recap.
I think that Eric, Bill, Pam, Jess and Newlin scenes were great… and if this show included only those characters it would be the best show ever… but sadly there are also boring characters who steal screen time and every time you see them you just want them to die a long and painful death. I started to look at scenes with Andy, Sam, Tara and other lame characters as if those were commercial breaks… just need to suffer it while waiting for the real show to begin :P
[...] Previously, on True blood… [...]
ROFL! It’s like when you wrote the episode out it really sounded bizarre, insane even. But when I watched it…so exciting. Except it must not have been because I had no urgency to watch the next episode. I’m not saying the show is bad or anything. It’s just changing. It’s the natural order of things. Nothing stays the same forever. It has been a few years now.