Tara Thornton: Super baby vampire Sookie eating powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Wow … I expected turning her into a vampire to be a complete clusterfuck, but it’s already paying dividends!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! But if she Tara kills Sookie, Sookie can’t use her magic fairy vagina to make Eric love you again!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Christ the story lines on this show are complicated. But all right, Tara, bad doggie. No eating the insufferable blond.
Tara Thornton: :-(=
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: But you can wreck the shit out of her house!
Tara Thornton: :-)=
Nora: Hi Salome! A really funny thing happened on the way to turning in these fugitives, who I totally captured for you and was in no way aiding or abetting!
Salome Agrippa: Bitch please!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Hey! That’s my line!
Salome Agrippa: …Anyway, let’s get on with the torture. Also, let’s take the tall one’s clothes off. He’s nummy.
Eric Northman: :-)=
Redneck Cannible Wolf One: Fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: No, fuck you!
Redneck Cannible Wolf Two: No, fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: No, fuck you!
Redneck Cannible Wolf Three: No, fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: No, fuck you!
Redneck Cannible Wolf Four: No, fuck you!
Alcide Herveaux: …What the fuck happened to my storyline? Fuck me.
Sam Merlotte: Little help here? Anyone? Anyone at all? I’d really like to go to the hospital …
Terry Bellefleur: Hi Arlene! I’m just going to stand creepily over your bed, like that chick from Paranormal Activity! Also I’m going to have a
Nam Iraq flashback!
Tara Thornton: Super baby vampire wrecking all of your shit powers activate!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Wow, turning a person who hates vampires with the undying passion of a million exploding suns turned out to be a terrible idea!
Sookie Stackhouse: I know, right? Who could have possibly foreseen this disastrous turn of events!
Ginger: Hi Pam! Why are you all dirty!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: I was under ground all night … what’s your excuse?
Ginger: I’m just gonna … go … whiskey.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: And I’m going to have a flashback to San Francisco, circa 1905!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi PattyProstitute, have you seen Clare?
Patty Prostitute: Sure have! Mr. Danton cut her into tiny pieces in room 103!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: …Well fuck.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Eric! We’re … out of … celery, and I totally can’t make such an important business decision as “buying more celery” without your approval, so call me! XOXO P.S. No, I’m not desperate. P.P.S. Except to get this celery thing taken care of.
Nigel Beckford: Hi guys! What are you in for?
Vampire Bill: Oh, you know, we were kind of responsible for a murder spree that set back Vampire Rights by a century, we unleashed the ghost of a witch that nearly murdered every vampire in Louisiana, we kind of fired off a rocket launcher in downtown Shreveport, and we sort of murdered Nan Flannigan, Spokesvampire. What about you? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Nigel Beckford: Oh, I eat babies.
Eric Northman: …?
Nora: No, seriously. He eats babies.
Eric Northman: This show isn’t subtle, is it?
Nora: You spent all of last episode banging your “sister” inside a shipping container, and you’re just realizing this?
Dieter Braun: Hi guys! So, who wants to tell me all about the sanguinistas?
Vampire Bill: I’d like to tell you to go fuck yourself! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Nigel Beckford: …Fuck.
Dieter Braun: Hey, you guys are looking a little pale … how about some sun?
Nigel Beckford: Fuck!
The Door: Knock knock knock!
Sam Merlotte: Well, that probably isn’t anyone who wants to kill me, so I better open the door!
Martha: Hi guys!
Sam Merlotte: Well that backfired in a completely unforeseeable way!
Martha: Oh don’t worry, I’m not here to kill you, I’m here to induct baby Emma into our cannibal pack!
Luna the Were-Stallion: Fuck you!
Sam Merlotte: Wait, let’s hear her out on this one …
Luna the Were-Stallion: Fuck you, too!
Sam Merlotte: Okay!
Luna the Were-Stallion: …No, not in the “let’s take off our clothes and have the sexy sex” way, but in the “let’s throw your shit out on the lawn and then I’ll call the judge and get a restraining order” way.
Sam Merlotte: Wow, that’s a really overloaded word! You should be more careful about ambiguity!
Luna the Were-Stallion: Fuck you!
Sam Merlotte: …That’s still not the good kind of “fucking”, is it? No? Okay then.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, Tara’s still wrecking all of my shit! She’s been at it for like five hours now!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! And it’s getting close to sunrise! We have to get her into Eric’s cubby hole?
Sookie Stackhouse: I know! You cut your wrist to distract her, and then I’ll wrap a bunch of silver chains around her throat, and we’ll drag her underground!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! That’s a great idea! She’s sure to love us again after we hep her out like that!
Sookie Stackhouse: That’s why they call me Brainy McSmartypants!
Andy Bellefleur: Jason! I had sex!
Jason Stackhouse: Hey! Welcome to the club!
Andy Bellefleur: It wasn’t the first time, ass much! Anyway, she won’t call me, and I want to know what I did wrong!
Jason Stackhouse: Wrong? You got to eat the pie without buying the cow! That’s doing something right, my friend!
Andy Bellefleur: Eat the pie without … oh, whatever. Let’s go check out the car that crazy bitch abandoned by the side of the road before she went to assault your sister.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Gary! Russell Edgington is trying to eat me, and I need your help!
Gary Gunnut: Hi Sookie! I have jack shit in the way of effective weapons, mostly because some of the vampires in this show are literally faster than a speeding bullet, but I can offer you several hundred dollars worth of useless bullshit and “Protected by ADT” signs!
Sookie Stackhouse: Great!
Terry Bellefleur: Well, looks like it’s time to assassinate my character. Hey Arlene! C’mere and lemme slap you around some!
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I guess I’ll just set up this silver air freshener right over the front door! I bet this won’t result in any wacky misunderstandings later!
Lafayette Reynolds’ Brain: Bitch please! Well, Tara’s pretty miserable, so I guess I better put a stake through her heart!
Sookie Stackhouse: Lafayette, no! Tara is the best character on the show, and her plot lines are always the most engaging of the season! We can’t afford to lose her!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You’re totally right! The fans would riot if we killed off such a dynamic, beloved character!
Sookie Stackhouse: Let’s hug it out!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Okay!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin (on the television): Hi everybody! I just wanted to let you know that after three decades of preaching a false gospel, I’ve finally found God’s real truth! And don’t worry, the fact that I’m have a metric shit ton of repressed violent tendencies and a penchant for the literal interpretation of ancient texts in no way means I’ve joined a vampire blood cult! Also I’m still totally straight and only like Jason Stackhouse as a friend.
Ronny Rapist: Hi Pam! I’m here to cut your throat and make love to your neck hole!
Eric Northman: Super vampire cutting your throat with my fingernails powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Why Mr. Northman, I do declare!
Eric Northman: <3 :-)= <3
Dieter Braun: Hi Bill! I’m here to ask you a bunch of questions about a blood cult that you’ve never heard of! And to pump you full of blah blah blah blah silver!
Vampire Bill: :-(= (Except he frowned all formal and accent-ey)
Dieter Braun: Oh, and to drop a bunch of exposition on the audience! For example, we have a vampire bible, and the fundamentalists believe God is a vampire and that Adam and Eve were created to be our food!
Vampire Bill: But that doesn’t make any goddamn sense! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Dieter Braun: Oops! Silver!
Salome Agrippa: Hi Eric! I’m here to ask you a bunch of questions about a blood cult that you’ve never heard of! And to pump you full of blah blah blah blah silver!
Eric Northman: That’s nice. Can we fuck first? Because I haven’t has sex in like three hours, and I’m getting antsy.
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: Hi Jessica! I’d like to buy Jason off of you!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Twenty thousand dollars!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: No way! He’s worth ten thousand, and not a penny more!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Really? You could wash your clothes on his abs! And he’s got an ass that’ll crack walnuts!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: Fangboner!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: And his penis? The word “pumpjack” comes to mind!
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: Manboner!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Aw, that’s so cute! Now get the fuck out of my house.
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: :-(=
Arlene Fowler: Hi Noel! Let’s talk about Terry behind his back! But let’s also make it look like we’re having an affair!
Whatever the Fuck Noel from Felicity‘s name is: Great idea! I bet that won’t set off his anger management issues at all!
Terry Bellefleur: Hi guys! Remember how I used to be a sweet, lovable war vet just trying to make his way through the world? Me either! Ragepunch!
Jason Stackhouse: Hi Hoyt! I just wanted to say I’m sorry for fucking your girlfriend!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jason! You can go fuck yourself!
Maxine Fortenberry: Hoyt! Language!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Fuck you, mama! I’m fucking fixing your fucking sink because you can’t fucking stop yourself from fucking pouring fucking grease down the fucking drain, so if you don’t fucking like the fucking fact the I fucking say fucking fuck, fuck off!
Maxine Fortenberry: Jason stackhouse, get the fuck out of my house! Thanks for splitting up Hoyt and that red headed slut!
Emma the WerePuppy: Hi mommy! I’m a puppy!
Tara Thornton: Hi Sookie! Hi Lafayette! I’m just going to take a nice walk in the cool night air, then …
Sookie Stackhouse: Get hit in the face with the silver spraying vampire trap I set up right outside the front door?
Tara Thornton: Fuck. You.
Roman Zimojic: Hi everybody! We’re about to execute a pair of dirty traitors for they various and sundry crimes against our people, but first, let’s allow them to see our most sacred ritual … the consumption of the Blood of Lilith, the FIrst Vampire, created in God’s Own Image, and the Mother of us all!
Salome Agrippa: And who just happens to be sleeping behind inside ornate vault!
Roman Zimojic: Shh! Don’t spoil the end of the season! Anyway, yammer yammer yammer, blood god demon mother superior race, etc etc Amen.
Salome Agrippa: Now can we murder these two fuck-ups?
Roman Zimojic: We sure can!
Eric Northman: Right after we tell you where Russell Edgington is, right?
Roman Zimojic: Wait, what?
Vampire Bill: Oh, did we forget to mention that Russell Edgington, the most dangerous vampire in the modern world, is alive and free? And how we’re the only ones who can stop him? And how if you kills us it’ll set back your agenda by a century? Again? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: And how, if you let us live, we’ll gladly help you not destroy everything you’ve worked to build?
Roman Zimojic: …Fuck.
Russell Edginton: Hey guys? Can someone get me a loofah? My skin’s a little dry.
The Plot: Thickens.
You know what I don’t care about? Roughly seventy-five percent of the plot lines on this show.
I have no interest in whose mother Jason fucked this week, or where Andy’s sticking his dick. I give less than a shit about Terry’s PTSD or the Ghost of Iraq Veterans Past or Noel from Felicity. Sam and Luna and the Werepuppy are completely unsympathetic and uninteresting. Tara is still terrible, Sookie is still an idiot, and Lafayette is less awesome for hanging out with them.
I am glad, though, that they spent so much time this episode on the things I do care about … Jessica, Bill and Eric, and Russell Edgington. I only wish they’d spend more time with Alcide, preferably on a plot that doesn’t involve Sam or a pack of redneck cannibals.
I also like the attention they pay to little details, like the fact that all of the vampires wear gold jewelry instead of silver, and how the Chancellors all had bottles of true blood set out for them.
The whole “God is a Vampire” myth makes zero sense. If God is a vampire, whose blood was he drinking? Although I guess you could take a Gnostic approach, and say that “God” is actually the Demiurge, a super-powerful creature that created the world, but isn’t actually at the top of the pantheon.
Of course, the fact that the legend makes no sense if kind of the point. One of the main threads this season is “fuck fundamentalism,” a motto I whole-heartedly endorse. We should expect the vampire creation myth to be stupid … which is why most vampires have moved on.
Anyway, here’s how I expect the rest of the season to go down: Russell Edgington turns out to be the leader of the Sanguinistas, Steve Newlin joins his team, they wake up Lilith, and they spend five or six episodes building up to an epic showdown, which is never actually paid off.
And there will probably be some more fucking fairies, too.