Tara Thornton: Vampire pro: I no longer need to drop acid to get high. I can just go outside and look up.
Sookie Stackhouse: Tara! Tara Tara Tara!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Bitch please bitch please bitch please!
Tara Thornton: Vampire negative: I can hear those two fucktards from three counties away.
Random Cute Girl: Why hello there, perfect stranger wandering around in a blood-soaked shirt in the middle of the night! You’re probably not a vampire ora serial killer, so could you help me change my tire! I am ever so in distress!
Tara Thornton: :-)=
Random Cute Girl: That went differently in my head.
Roman Zimojic: The fact that my team of ninjapires was able to find you, capture you, and drag you back to our Super Secret Abandoned Warehouse after you had been on the run for all of … ten minutes … leads me to believe that you’ll be about as useful in catching Russell Edgington as tits on the back of a pig! A pig with a low libido! So do you know what we’re gonna do?
Timmy the Ancient Ten Year Old: Stake them? Decapitate them? Bind them with silver and leave them burning them in the sun?
Salome Agrippa: Strip them naked, cover their bodies in honey, lick them clean, and then commit such unspeakable acts of debauchery with them until they die from overwhelming pleasure?
Roman Zimojic: …um, no, I was thinking about setting them free and having them go after Russell. You know, because they’re main characters and all.
Eric Northman: But I would like to hear more about this “honey” proposal.
Vampire Bill: :-)=
Sookie Stackhouse: Pam! Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam! Remember how I told you that if you turned Tara into a vampire for me I’d get Eric back for you and then I’d leave you alone and never bother you ever again ever?
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Yeah …
Sookie Stackhouse: Well it turns out I was lying! Tee hee! But don’t worry, all I need you to do is commit to spending every night of the rest of forever watching out for Tara and making sure she doesn’t murder anyone and making sure she drinks her Tru Blood and making sure she has a warm bed to sleep in and making sure she has fresh litter to pee in and -
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Super vampire falcon punch powers activate!
Sookie Stackhouse: Super Sookie jazz hands powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Fucking fairies and their fucking magic vaginas.
Sam Merlotte: well, that’s one more doomed-from-the-start trailer-park romance for the record books. Maybe next time I’ll have the sex with a nice, normal, well-adjusted girl without any kind of issues, violent tendencies, or deep-seated self-loathing.
Tara Thornton: Hi Sam! :-)=
Sam Merlotte: On the other hand, once you go black …
Roman Zimojic: Hi Steve! We have a tinyproblem with Ussel-ray Ington-edgay being alive-ay.
Rev. Vamp. Steve Newlin: No problem! I’ll just tell the simpering masses of humanity that Russell Edginton is our Holy God’s righteous wrath poured out upon an unbelieving and unworthy people!
Roman Zimojic: Yeah, that’s great, except the exact opposite of what I want. Hey Salome? Can you do make sure Bill and Eric are properly scanned, collared, and tracked? I don’t want any more necromancer bullshit this season.
Salome Agrippa: Sure thing, boss! I’ll go strip them down, tie them up, and examine the shit out of their man junk!
Roman Zimojic: …why does no one just do what I ask?
Molly: Hi guys! Take off your shirts, please!
Eric Northman: Ladies? You’re welcome.
Molly: Okay! This is the iStake, a combination location monitor, remote execution unit, and BDSM harness. With it, I can figure out where you are andmake your heart pop like a water balloon! All with my iPhone!
Vampire Bill: iStake? There’s an app for that, and “that” is “remotely killing a pair of Suicide Squad vampires who will, without question, be wearing track suits by the end of this episode? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Molly: Speaking of track suits, here you go!
Vampire Bill: This show has really jumped the shark, hasn’t it? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Sookie! I’m starting to think turning a girl who was repeatedly raped and bitten by a vampire into a vampire might have been a mistake!
Sookie Stackhouse: Lafayette, don’t be silly! I never make mistakes! I’m a fucking fairy, and my farts smell like lilacs and sunshine comes out of my hoo-ha!
Lafayette Reynolds: Your hands, Sook. Sunshine comes out of your hands.
Sookie Stackhouse: And my love-mound, too! Look, I’ll show you -
Lafayette Reynolds: No, that’s good, thanks. I believe you.
Tara Thornton: Super vampire Tru Blood keg stand powers activate!
Sam Merlotte: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Tara Thornton: Well that was tasty! Say, is that the sun rising in the ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Sam Merlotte: Huh, an attractive girl lying unconscious on my floor! Shifty eyes. I’ll just lock the door…
Deputy Dipshit: Hi Andy! Your ass is all over MySpace!
Andy Bellefleur: Look, I know I argued for more screen time when we were renewing my contract, but you know what? I’ve changed my mind. I’m good with only having five minutes of screen time per week. Really.
Jason Stackhouse: Hi Miss Steeler! Remember how you molested me back in elementary school?
Miss Steeler: I prefer the term “made a man out of you!” Tee hee!
Jason Stackhouse: Well, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s completely ignoring the debilitating effects of sexual assault! Let’s get naked!
Terry Bellefleur: Hi Arlene! I’m leaving town!
Arlene Fowler: That’s a great idea! Our storyline is complete shit, and you’ll be way better off running away and letting the whole thing blow over!
Terry Bellefleur: Oh, no, I’m bringing a camera crew with me.
Arlene Fowler: Oh.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Sam! Have you seen Tara?
Sam Merlotte’s Brain: Don’t think about Tara don’t think about all the dirty things you did to her last night think about Sookie think about Sookie’s boobs think about Sookie’s magic vajayjay thing about all the dirty things you want to do to her and not the fact that Tara is in the walk-in freezer shit!
Sookie Stackhouse: Thanks Sam! I’m glad I remembered that I’m a telepath for this scene!
Eric Northman: Hi Pam! I was wondering just how much a ticket to the pants party costs.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: The pants party?
Eric Northman: The party, which is in your pants, to which I am invited?
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Okay, two things. One, it’s 1905, and that movie won’t come out for another century. And two, it’s 1905, and I won’t be wearing pantsfor another seventy years.
Eric Northman: Yeah yeah yeah, less talk more sex.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: I’m sorry, I am a madam, not a whore, and I am not for sale. I mean, if there were a pair of vampires upstairs, drinking the life from one of my girls in a terrible combination of lust and horror, maybe we could come to some sort of bargain, but-
Sally Streetwalker: Miss Pam, Miss Pam! There’s a pair of vampires upstairs, drinking the life from one of your girls in a terrible combination of lust and horror!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Well fuck me.
Eric Northman: I plan to! :-)=
Vampire Bill: Murder tastes delicious! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Lorena: Almost as delicious as sexual assault!
Eric Northman: Lorena! And Lorena’s … very short friend! If you would be so kind, please do be getting the fuck out of my territory in general, and this establishment in particular.
Lorena: Yes Eric anything you say Eric happy to oblige Eric!
Vampire Bill: …Yeah, fuck that. Super vampire cat fighting powers-
Eric Northman: Lorena? Tell your dog to heel before I neuter him.
Vampire Bill: :-(=
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Thanks, Eric!
Eric Northman: :-)=
Miss Steeler: So Jason, about raping you when you were a child …
Jason Stackhouse: Hey, it’s no big deal! I mean, at least you didn’t tie me to the bed, feed me Mexican Viagra, turn into a panther, and sink your fangs into me!
Miss Steeler: It’s a good thing you’re pretty, because wow, you are crazier than a shithouse rat.
Andy Bellefleur: Hi Sookie!
Sookie Stackhouse: What no I didn’t murder Debbie and I certainly didn’t throw her body in the lye pit behind my house and no Lafayette didn’t help I have no idea what you’re talking about why would you ask such a crazy question tee hee!
Andy Bellefleur: …Interesting. Very interesting.
Sookie Stackhouse: What, the way I automatically assumed you suspected me of murdering this girl who was married to one of my many not-boyfriends and who I called “batshit crazy” and whose car was found a block from my house?
Andy Bellefleur: Well, I was talking about the way I can clearly see that you’re not wearing a bra, but yeah, that whole murder thing is interesting, too.
Salome Agrippa: Hey Bill, do you know who I am?
Vampire Bill: Some crazy chick named after the girl that got John the Baptist decapitated? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Salome Agrippa: Close: I amthe girl that got John the Baptist decapitated!
Vampire Bill: Wow, a Biblical figure, in the flesh and walking in the current day! This is unprecedented, the very first time that … no, wait, this happens on a regular basis. Still, it is kind of cool to meet the girl who originated the Dance of the Seven Veils, and who would go on to become a living embodiment of the evils of female sexuality. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Salome Agrippa: Yeah, actually the “Dance of the Seven Veils” was just me getting raped a whole lot.
Vampire Bill: Oh. Yeah, that’s way less awesome than I had pictured in my head. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Salome Agrippa: Tell me about it. Anyway, wanna fuck?
Vampire Bill: :-)= (he fucked her all formal and accent-ey)
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: I’ll take one of these, and one of these, and one of these and …
Some Girl Whose Name I’m Probably Supposed to Remember, But Fuck it There are Six Thousand Characters On This Fucking Show and I Just Don’t Give a Damn Anymore: Honey, if you’re buying all of these clothes so Jason will have sex with you, don’t bother. Jason will fuck anything with tits and a pulse!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Actually, I don’t havea pulse…
Some Girl: That’s okay, sweetie, I’m sure he’s flexible about that.
Claude: Hi Some Girl! I’m here to pick up my sixteen sisters’ dresses!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Sniff, sniff Hey, does anyone else smell sex and cotton candy?
Claude: Hey look at the time got to go nice seeing you bye bye!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Wait! Come back here! I just want to fuck / eat you!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi everbody! I’m wearing guyliner and a mesh tank top!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Honey? You’re gonna get eaten alive.
Hoyt Fortenberry: That’s what I’m hoping for!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Whatever, it’s your funeral. Just don’t get hick on the bathroom floor.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Thanks for all the great sex, Eric!
Eric Northman: Any time! And by “any time” I mean “just this once,” since I will be leaving now and never ever see you again.
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Well, that’s one option. On the other hand, you could just turn me into a vampire and stay with me forever!
Eric Northman: Okay, so what part of “I would like to pay you money for a single night of sex” did you interpret as “I want to spend the rest of forever with you”?
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: The part where I cut my wrists and I’m going to die unless you vamp me?
Eric Northman: :-(=
Salome Agrippa: Hi Eric! It’s a real shame that Nora is going to get a piece of wood jammed through her heart, isn’t it?
Eric Northman: Whatevs.
Salome Agrippa: You know, Nora, who you were fucking like a champ last episode?
Eric Northman: Uh huh.
Salome Agrippa: Nora, your not-sister, who, like you, is the progeny of Godric, the greatest vampire who ever lived?
Eric Northman: Bitches come, bitches go, but Eric gots ta get paid.
Salome Agrippa: You’re just cold-hearted because you’ve been hurt!
Eric Northman: I’m actually cold-hearted because I’ve been alive for one thousand goddamn years, and there are only so many reruns of Law and Ordera guy can watch before he goes bugfuck crazy.
Salome Agrippa: I bet I can fix you!
Eric Northman: Because you’re the first woman to try that.
Salome Agrippa: With my vagina!
Eric Northman: But I am willing to let you try.
Rosalyn: Hi Nora! I’m going to torture you until you admit to being a Sanguinista!
Nora: But wouldn’t that make any confession suspect, as victims of torture will say anything to make the pain stop?
Rosalyn: You’re right! There’s only one thing to do!
Nora: Set me free?
Rosalyn: No, silly! Keep torturing you afteryou confess, too!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Jason! I just met a guy who smells like chocolate chip cookies and fucking, and since he ran away I came here to bang your brains out!
Jason Stackhouse: Sorry, Jessica. Fucking the woman who raped me as a child has made me all depressed, and in a rare moment of insight, I realize that morefucking probably won’t solve that problem.
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Well, I guess we could … talk, or something. lameass
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, thank heavens I managed to make it through the entire day without anybody learning about Tara!
Arlene Fowler: Hi Sookie!
Holly Cleary: What’s up!
Alcide Herveaux: Just dropped by to say hello!
News Channel Nine: Mind if we set up our camera here?
Weekly World News: And could we get a statement?
Tara Thornton: Hi everybody! :-)=
Sookie Stackhouse: Facepalm
Eric Northman: Hi Bill! Guess who has two thumbs and just fucked a Biblical character? :-)=
Vampire Bill: Me? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: :-(=
Vampire Bill: LOL you got my sloppy seconds HAHAHA (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
The Vampire Authority’s Vampire SWAT Team: Hi guys! Even though you’re still in our headquarters, and even though you’re both wearing … Jesus, do we really have to call it that? … the iStake … we’re going to point our guns at you and place you under arrest or … something!
Salome Agrippa: Hi Roman! After thoroughly interrogating both Bill and Eric’s penises, I can confidently assure you that neither of them are Sanguinistas!
Roman Zimojic: That’s great news! Thanks for using your only source of value, namely, your sexuality, to further my political agenda!
Salome Agrippa: No problem! I mean, I’m probably not bitter about being raped a whole bunch, and would never think of betraying a man who sees me as nothing more than a walking vagina attached to a pair of constantly exposed tits!
Roman Zimojic: Whew! I was really worried about that for a second!
Lafayette Reynolds: Hey everyone! You know how you thought that whole demon-possession ghost-whisperer bullshit died with Jesus? Well get ready for Lafayette the Fabulous Demon, pouring bleach into a pot of gumbo near you!
Alcide Herveaux: Sookie! I can’t believe you turned Tara into a vampire! That was the one thing she’d never want to -
Sookie Stackhouse: I kind of murdered your wife a ton.
Alcide Herveaux: …I’m going to go over here and count to ten. You should probably be not here when I get back.
Sookie Stackhouse: Magic ladybits? Tee hee? No? Nothing?
Tara Thornton: Let’s see … light tan, ready for summer, born in Jamaica … ah, here it is! Crispy fried vampire!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: …wait a second, my vampire senses are telling me that Tara is a stupid bitch!
The Plot: thickens.
Religion is one of the things this show has always handled well.
I loved Godric’s comment: “I am actually quite a bit older than your Jesus. Shame I never got to meet him.” And the entire Fellowship of the Sun plot was a fantastic look at how group think and isolated, authority-driven groups work.
Salome brings up a very good point: if vampires were real, religion would have a serious problem. Namely the fact that their myths and legends could be fact-checked by beings who were actually there. Of course, that also brings up Spike’s point, from one of his earlier appearances on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: to the effect that if every vampire who claimed to have witnessed the Crucifixion was actually there, the place would have looked like “bloody Woodstock.”
I like that Steve Newlin has jumped into the vampire pool with both feet. That actually plays true-to-character for me. People like that have a deep, burning need to believe, and if one system lets them down, they’ll find another. I still think, and Roman foreshadowed it, that the good Reverend is going to end up a hardcore Sanguinista. Once a fundamentalist …
I’m so glad that we’ve learned that Jason’s sex addiction started when he was raped (he couldn’t have been more than fifteen, so yes, it was rape) by his teacher. This show was severely lacking in characters who are defined almost exclusively by their sexual trauma. Fuck.
Anyway, I love Bill and Eric’s Authority storyline, and Jessica, and would like more Alcide. Everything else can quietly go away, thank you very much.