Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Tara! You’re a stupid bitch! And I command you to stop trying to kill yourself!
Tara Thornton: But Pam! I’m a horrible character! Nobody likes me! Why won’t you just let me put them out of my misery!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Well, mostly because you signed a multi-season contract, but let’s pretend it has something to do with me trying to get Sookie to convince Eric to boff me again.
The Lady of the Manor: Did Pam wear a pink jumpsuit and heels to bed? Pam wore a pink jumpsuit and heels to bed. I <3 Pam.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Alcide! I have a confession to make!
Alcide Herveaux: You’re not a natural blond?
Sookie Stackhouse: Well no, but I’m talking about something else!
Alcide Herveaux: You wear a padded bra?
Sookie Stackhouse: Well yes, but that’s not what I had in mind!
Alcide Herveaux: Your world-famous peach cobbler is really just microwaved Little Debbie!
Sookie Stackhouse: As a matter of fact, it is! But I also murdered your girlfriend a ton!
Alcide Herveaux: Grrrr…
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please!
Sookie Stackhouse: And Lafayette helped!
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Facepalm!
Alcide Herveaux: Grrrr…
Vampire Bill: Okay, we’ve got our matching track suits, a set of car keys, and a set of remote-controlled, cross-shaped BDSM harnesses! What else do we need? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: Any fucking clue as to where Russell Edgington is, and/or how to kill him?
Vampire Bill: You’re right! We should accuse and/or torture those closest to us in an effort to find out which one of them betrayed us! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: Good idea! Burning all of our bridges is an excellent way to survive a life-threatening madman and his death cult!
Vampire Bill: But first!
Eric Northman: Let’s fuck!
Vampire Bill: :-)=
Eric Northman: :-)=
(Once again, they fucked all formal and accent-ey)
Salome Agrippa: Hi Roman! That’s a very nice MacBook of Modesty covering your junk there!
Roman Zimojic: Thanks Salome! I’ve got a huge … stake … from watching Nora get all tortured!
Salome Agrippa: But Roman! Despite our best efforts, she hasn’t given us the information we need!
Roman Zimojic: You’re right! There’s only one thing to do!
Salome Agrippa: Use my magic vagina to convince her of the error of her ways?
Roman Zimojic: I was going to say “torture her to death as a horrifying example of what happens when you defy my rule,” but we can try your way, too!
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Jason! I have to confess something terrible!
Jason Stackhouse: It’s all right, Sookie, everybody already knows you took an exciting and dynamic book character and turned her into a whining, life-wrecking abomination that single-handedly set back the feminist movement by a decade!
Sookie Stackhouse: Jason, no! I murdered Debbie van Pelt a whole bunch!
Jason Stackhouse: Sookie! I am both shocked and appalled! And if I acted like a real cop for the next thirty seconds, this show would instantly become a bajillion times better! But, much like Pam rescued Tara, I’m going to rescue you!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: I’ll help! :-)=
Sookie Stackhouse: Also Tara died saving my life!
Jason Stackhouse: :-O
Sookie Stackhouse: But it’s okay, I had Pam turn her into a vampire!
Jason Stackhouse: D-:
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Eric! I made a vampire while you were gone!
Eric Northman: Broods.
Vampire Bill: Hi Tara! We should go … away … quickly. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Eric I missed you Eric and I love you Eric and its great to see you Eric and I’m actually glad Sookie’s magic vajayjay made you come back Eric!
Eric Northman: Super Eric chokeslam interrogation powers activate!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: This reunion went differently in my head!
Vampire Bill: Hi Tara! Sorry you got killed and all, but how is Sookie? Is Sookie okay? Is Sookie warm? Is Sookie comfortable? Is Sookie happy? Is Sookies safe? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Tara Thornton: Fuck Sookie.
Vampire Bill: Okay! :-)=
Tara Thornton: No, I didn’t … of forget it.
Eric Northman: Well, I beat up Pam a ton, and now I’m pretty sure she didn’t set Russell free.
Vampire Bill: Wait, why did we even think that was a possibility again? She’s been riding your jock for the last hundred years, and has repeatedly threatened to murder anything that would so much as muss your hair. Like when she fired that rocket launcher at Sookie’s face. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey)
Eric Northman: Yeah, that was pretty sweet. Anyway, tomorrow night we should go interrogate your progeny.
Vampire Bill: Sounds like a plan! But first, it’s nap time!
Eric Northman: Would you like to accompany me to my coffin!
Vampire Bill: I certainly would!
Roman Zimojic: They’re still at Eric’s bar?
Timmy the Wonder Vamp: Yeah. They haven’t even fucked yet.
Roman Zimojic: Man, the fans are going to be so pissed.
Dieter Braun: Hey, anybody want to jerk off to videos of Nora getting blasted with UV light?
Roman Zimojic: Way ahead of you, bro. Way ahead of you.
Judge Clements: Hi Andy! Would you like to revisit a terrible plot from last season!
Andy Bellefleur: Boy would I!
Judge Clements: Great! You and Jason meet me in Ferngully Field at nine! Make sure you aren’t wearing pants!
Some Shifter Guy: Hi Same! Would you like to revisit a terrible plot from last season!
Sam Merlotte: Boy would I!
Some Shifter Girl: Great! Meet us in the Lost Woods at nine! Make sure you aren’t wearing pants! You know, so you can turn into a horse or something.
Sookie Stackhouse: Wow! My telepathy is telling me people are actually upset at all of the lives I’ve ruined! In some characters, this would spark growth and change! But in me, it’s going to spark drinking, nudity, and sex!
GannonLafayettendorf: Bitch Please! “My face has broken out in a pig-shaped rash, which I’ll use to make Sookie’s car crash!”
Alcide Herveaux: Hi Mr. and Mrs. van Pelt! I just dropped by to tell you that your daughter’s dead!
Barbera van Pelt: Weep!
Gordon van Pelt: Growl!
Alcide Herveaux: And even though I could instantly make this show a thousand times better by revealing who actually killed your daughter, I’m going to pretend it was Marcus the Greasy Werewolf, who I killed at the end of last season! Bye bye now!
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh no! My car has locked all of its doors, disabled the breaks, started ignoring the steering wheel, and accelerated to a hundred miles an hour! Fortunately my Fairy Vagina Powers include jumping from a swiftly moving vehicle and suffering no injuries whatsoever!
Whatever the Fuck Noel from Felicity‘s name is: Hey guys! Lets get drunk in this here holy shrine, then shoot some random civilians!
Terry Bellefleur: But Noel! Are there any vampires in this scene? Or this entire plot line?
Whatever the Fuck Noel from Felicity‘s name is: Vampires? What kind of a show do you think this is, Terry?
Sgt. Triggerhappy: Look, brown people! Boom boom boom boom bang!
Whatever the Fuck Noel from Felicity‘s name is: Oh no! Mixing alcohol, automatic weapons, and racism has resulted in terrible, totally unforeseeable tragedy!
Gordon van Pelt: Hi Sheriff Andy! Just wanted to let you know that we’re done looking into our daughter’s death!
Barbra van Pelt: And you should be, too!
Jason Stackhouse: Right! Justice has well and truly been served!
Andy Bellefleur: You guys are all dumber than tits on an alligator! I’ma get me a search warrant right now!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hey Sheriff Andy? Loook into my eeeeyes!
Andy Bellefleur: …
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hey Sheriff Andy? My eyes are up here.
Eric Northman: Hi Pam! Sorry about beating you up a ton! Anyway, I’m going on a suicide mission, so as your maker, I give up any and all rights to you, your ladybit, your money, any intellectual property created by you, whether during business hours or on your own time, your progeny, your wardrobe, and your large collection of whores. Also, remember that you came from me and I came from Godric, so I expect you to be fucking awesome. Bye bye!
Vampire Bill: Hi Jessica! Thanks for helping me sweep for bugs!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: No problem! It gives me a chance to hide all of my friends’ bongs!
Vampire Bill: Speaking of bongs, it’s been forever since I’ve bonged Sookie!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Okay, one, it’s “banged,” not “bonged.” And two, she smelled like puppies and tears last time I saw her, so she’s probably fucking Alcide as we speak.
Roman Zimojic: Hi Nora! I’m here to execute you for your vague and unspecified crimes!
Nora: Great! I mean, that has to be better than getting strapped to a chair and pumped full of battery acid for the rest of eternity, right?
Roman Zimojic: And I’m going to murder Bill and Eric with my product placement iPhone, just for the fuck of it!
Salome Agrippa: But wait! I am going to smear blood on my boobs and then on your boobs and then make a promise I can’t fulfill!
Nora: Okay, you’ve convinced me to tell you everything!
Some Hot Girl: Hi Judge Clements! Hi Andy! Hi Jason! We’re going to take you into our super-secret sex club! But first we have to tie you up, throw you in the trunk, and put these bags over your heads!
Andy Bellefleur: This doesn’t seem suspicious at all!
Jason Stackhouse: No, it’s cool. I’ve played this game before. Just remember the safe word and you’ll be fine.
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch Please! Hey, did you car happen to come alive and try to kill you earlier today?
Sookie Stackhouse: As a matter of fact-
Alcide Herveaux: Hi Sookie!
Sookie Stackhouse: Sorry Lafayette, I’ve got another man to ruin! TTYL!
Sam Merlotte: Why, that’s odd! The two shifters who invited me over for recreational nudity have been murdered! Much like any chance I had at a decent plot line!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Hi Tara! You’re on top of the food chain now!
Some Girl: And I’m juicy!
Tara Thornton: I’m still angsty!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: As you maker, I com-
Tara Thornton: Nom nom nom tasty white trash nom!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: -mand you.
Roman Zimojic: Well, we got Nora to reveal tell us which one of you is a Sanguinista. And on a totally unrelated note, here’s a stake made out of the tree Judas hung himself from, tipped with the silver from his thirty coins!
Timmy the Wonder Vamp: What are you going to do with that?
Roman Zimojic: Kill you with religious symbolism.
Timmy the Wonder Vamp: Oh. Shit. Pops like a water balloon.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Alcide! The actress who plays me is pregnant, and I haven’t ruined your character yet! And you know what that means!
Alcide Herveaux: I have to take my pants off now, don’t I?
Sookie Stackhouse: Yep!
Eric Northman: Hey, isn’t that Sookie? And isn’t she doing it doggy style?
Vampire Bill: No, they’re clearly doing it mission-oh, I see what you did there.
Eric Northman: :-)=
Sookie’s Cousin Hadley, Who I Thought Was Dead: Hi Jason! I’m glad to see that the Fay have kidnapped you in order to protect you from the evil vampires, just like they kidnapped me! We’re all happy here and in no way being held against our will!
Jason Stackhouse: :-(
The Plot: Is needlessly complicated.