Alcide Herveaux: Hi Sookie! If I’d have known that you’d drop your panties after a mere fifteen shots, I’d have gotten you drunk ages ago!
Sookie Stackhouse: Wink wink wink!
Alcide Herveaux: Nudge nudge nudge!
Sookie Stackhouse: Barf barf barf!
Eric Northman: Huh. Did your penis ever make Sookie throw up?
Vampire Bill: I can’t say that it did.
Eric Northman: Neither did mine. Is there something wrong with your penis, Alcide? Is it broken?
Alcide Herveaux: :-(
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! I can’t believe I almost killed Sookie with my voodoo prayers!
Demon Mode Lafayette: Bitch please! Sookie is a dumb whore who ruins the lives of everyone around her! If our little voodoo spell had worked, they’d be throwing you a parade!
Lafayette’s Tiki God Collection: He’s got a point.
Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! You fuckers can talk now, too?
Jesus the Dead Nurse’s Severed Head: That is the thing you’re having trouble accepting?
Mama Stackhouse: Hi Jason! We were murdered by vampire!
Papa Stackhouse: Mostly because of your sister!
Mama Stackhouse: Also, I’d like to give you a blow job!
Jason Stackhouse: I really hope this dream can be chalked up to Fairy Taser brain injuries.
Arlene Fowler: Hi Andy! Just wanted to ask you a couple of favors. One, could you put your phone on vibrate for the evening? I don’t want the baby to wake up when you are inevitably called in to the latest Bon Temps murder scene later tonight. Two, could you pick up some Cherrios on the way home from the above mentioned murder scene? The baby ate them all. And three, could you not fall down in the middle of the room with your cock flapping in the breeze? Christ celebrating Ramadan, if I wanted flaccid penis action I’d scream “look out! It’s an innocent Iraqi civilian” next time Terry tries to get handsy with me.
Alcide Herveaux: You know, when Sookie told me she wanted to get dirty with me, I really didn’t think she meant puking in my boots.
Eric Northman: Oh, like you’ve never left a present in someone’s shoes.
Alcide Herveaux: Grr.
Vampire Bill: That was a dog joke.
Alcide Herveaux: Yeah, I got that, thanks.
Eric Northman: :-)=
Vampire Bill: Anyway, we were hoping Sookie could come along and mind-rape one of your construction workers, thus revealing the location of Russell Edgington. And also ensuring a lifetime of sanity-wrecking nightmares.
Sookie Stackhouse: The part of me that wants a normal life says “no,” but the part of me that loves ruining people’s lives says “yes!” And you know which side of me always wins out!
Eric Northman: The part that tries to substitute nudity for “character growth?”
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Look, if I’m going to be stuck with your lame ass for the rest of forever, you might as well make yourself useful. Go sling some drinks or something.
Tara Thornton: You just want me to serve drinks because I’m black!
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: No, I just want you to shut the fuck up because you’re annoying.
Sally Sorority Sister: Hi! I’d like a whiskey sour and a-
Tara Thornton: :-)=
Pam Swynford De Beaufort: Also, if you could not eat the customers, that would be swell.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Doug! My vampire friend and my werewolf friend and my other vampire friend have asked me to use my psychic fairy powers to root around in your mind until I uncover the single worst memory of your lifetime! Is that cool?
Doug: If it means you’ll physically touch me, then yes.
Sookie Stackhouse: Great! Okay, I see an entire large pizza and a six-pack of beer, a box of tissues, a marathon of Voluptuous Vampires III – Stake Her Good, a woman wearing an Authority medallion dragging Russell’s Voldomort-esque fetus-corpse out of the ground, and then a bag of Pork Rinds.
Eric Northman: Fantastic! My production company owns the Voluptuous Vampires series, and it’s nice to finally meet someone who bought it instead of downloading it from the Pirate Bay!
Vampire Bill: Say, what are the odds that the mysterious Authority Chick is, in fact, Eric’s sister-lover Nora?
Eric Northman: About the same as the odds of you going and fucking yourself.
Vampire Bill: Also, wouldn’t it be convenient if said Authority Chick took Doug to Russell’s hideout, for no goddamn reason, and then set him free, also for no goddamn reason?
Sookie Stackhouse: We’re in luck! Turns out the writers didn’t have any more of a clue about how to find Russell than the Authority did!
Eric Northman: Excellent. So, who’s up for a road trip.
Doug: As long as I get to sit next to the blond one.
Eric Northman: Well … okay, I guess I’ll take one for the team.
Doug: But I meant … not … ladybits …
Eric Northman: :-)=
Salome Agrippa: Hi Dieter! So what’s the sitch?
Dieter Braun: Well, Nora’s still babbling on about her favorite Blood God, Roman popped Timmy the Wonder Vamp like a water balloon, and Bill and Eric are apparently reuniting the cast of This Old House.
Salome Agrippa: That sounds boring as shit. Let’s up the stakes? Get it? Stakes?
Dieter Braun: But Salome, everyone knows we’ll never kill of Bill and Eric. There are only like five tolerable characters left on the show!
Salome Agrippa: I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of Nigel baking beneath the tanning lights.
Roman Zimojic: Hey, did you know that there are a bunch of vampires who think this vial actually contains the literal blood of Lilith?
Salome Agrippa: Um, yeah, actually. The entire season is kind of built around them.
Roman Zimojic: How silly! I mean, what are the odds that this blood can be used in some sort of resurrection spell? Practically zero, right?
Noel from Felicity: Hi Eller! We just dropped by to ask about all of the guys you murdered to death with fire!
Eller: What? I didn’t murder anybody! It was an Ifrit!
Terry Bellefleur: Oh yeah! Now that you mention it, I totally remember being cursed by an Iraqi woman that I then murdered, who unleashed a Vengence Balrog on our crew, resulting in the immediate death of two close friends! Silly me!
Andy Bellefleur: Hi Jason! What do you make of these corpses?
Jason Stackhouse: I fucked a fairy and my parents were murdered by vampires!
Andy Bellefleur: Oooookay, how about you, Sam?
Sam Merlotte: I can smell murderers with my dog nose!
Andy Bellefleur: Jesus tits but I hate my job.
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi Tara! I know it can be hard adjusting to life as a vampire, so let me offer you some advice! Find a guy, fuck ‘im, and fang ‘im! It’s amazing!
Tara Thornton: Sounds great! Where’s Hoyt?
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: :-(=
Sookie Stackhouse: Hi Alcide! I’m really sorry I threw up in your shoes!
Alcide Herveaux: :-|
Sookie Stackhouse: And I promise it wasn’t because your penis is broken!
Alcide Herveaux: :-(
Sookie Stackhouse: Though I have wondered how a mere werewolf would be able to keep up with the vamp-speed drilling I got from Bill and Eric. I mean really, the only thing that could beat that would be a high-speed drilling from Bill and Eric, all at once.
Alcide Herveaux: D-:
Bill: Hey Eric? I still think your sister-lover is probably the crackpot who set Russell free. Mostly because she is demonstrably fucking insane.
Eric Northman: Who is this insane! I’ll tear his penis off and ram it down his throat! Sideways!
Molly the Tech Vampire: Hi guys! The producers just called, and they said that they want to wrap this shit up before any more viewers change the channel, so I set your iStakes to go off in twenty minutes. Good luck!
Sookie Stackhouse: … Or maybe Bill and Eric at the same time, while Pam watches and Jessica cheers us on, and Sam stands in the window, masturbating furiously …
Alcide Herveaux; Oh Jesus, just kill me.
Eric Northman: Hey guys? This pile of severed limbs leads me to believe that we have, in fact, arrived.
Alcide Herveaux: Thank god! I’ll go find Russell. You guys wait here, and don’t come in until after my pained death cries have stopped.
Eller: Look! The Ifrit!
Terry Bellefleur: What a compelling, exciting development!
Noel from Felicity: I’m so excited to be a part of this story line!
Jesus the Dead Nurse’s Severed Head: Murhpmblr Grbbl Hrmphrdr! Hrpadrpa flrgl floo!*
* That is to say: Lafayette, help! My mouth has been sewn shut! Also, my head’s been cut off. And I’ve been spending a ton of time with your mother.
Eric Northman: So, anybody leave a baker’s dozen of human cattle hung from hooks on the ceiling, or have we finally found Russell’s lair?
Tiny Tim: Eat that fat one first! I’m too skinny to die!
Alcide Herveaux: Hey, does anybody else smell wet, murderous dog?
Sam Merlotte: Hi Luna! Our best friends in all the world have been murdered! But fear not, for I shall avenge them!
Redneck Randy: Racial slurs! Gunfire! Curse words!
Sam Merlotte: Okay, maybe a little fear would be appropriate.
Redneck Randy: Bang! Bang bang bang bang bang!
Luna the Were Stallion: X_X
Redneck Randy: Bang bang bang!
Sam Merlotte: X_X
Roman Zimojic: So the way I see it, we can either kick the Sanguinistas’ asses and continue riding the mainstream wagon, or we can go back to the shadows, hiding our presence from humanity and ending the central premise of this show.
Dieter Braun: Actually, when you put it that way …
Tara Thornton: You were right, Jessica! Fanging and fucking at the same time is awesome!
Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jessica!
Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Okay, I am going to cut a bitch.
Russell Edgington: Hi guys! Nice of you to finally show up!
Eric Northman: Hi Russell! Sorry about leaving you in a sea of unending pain! Don’t worry, I’ll kill you quick this time!
Russell Edgington: Bitch, please. The only person in this room who has a prayer against me is Sookie, and I’m pretty sure she’s off ruining the life of one of my blood donors.
A Pack of Werewolves: Hi, Alcide!
Alcide Herveaux: Um, guys? Little help?