Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Nice backpack … did you join the boy scouts again?
Stefan Salvatore: I tried to, but they wouldn’t let me be a scout master anymore! The said something about my relationship with Klaus setting an ungodly example for impressionable young youths! They must have been talking about all the killing we did.
Damon Salvatore: …Yes, clearly, that is what they were talking about. Speaking of “poor examples” and “impressionable young youth,” are you still planning to teach Elena how to subsist on bunnies and kittens?
Stefan Salvatore: I sure am! If there’s anything my frequent episodes of homicidal mania have taught me, it’s that moderation if for people who don’t like going on murderous rampages every couple of decades!
Damon Salvatore: …
Stefan Salvatore: See you Monday!
Stefan Salvatore: Okay Elena, time to eat a Bambi!
Elena Gilbert: I’d rather eat you! :-)=
Stefan Salvatore: Now now, Elena, you can’t have desert unless you eat your supper!
Elena Gilbert: Pout. Fangs. Noms.
Elena Gilbert: Can we have the sexytimes now?
Stefan Salvatore: We sure can! :-)=
Elena Gilbert: Smooch! Fondle! WHAAAAAARF!
The Lady of the Manor: I think vomiting blood is the appropriate reaction to almost having sex with Stefan.
Connor Jordan: Let’s see … rigged gas line, Zippo lighter, suicide note to his daughter … there’s only one explanation! Father Fuckhead arranged for his own death so I could use his daughter as vampire bait at his funeral! Self high-five!
The Lady of the Manor: A new manwitch! With guns!
Sheriff Liz Forbes: Damon Salvatore, did you murder the entire Watcher’s Council with fire?
Damon Salvatore: Sheriff, we’ve discussed this. If I was going to kill the entire Watcher’s Council, which I was totally going to do before someone beat me to it, I’d use my fangs, not municipal gas.
Connor Jordan: Hi Sheriff Forbes! I’d like to ask you a few questions about pest control in Mystic Falls! Please ignore the military fatigues, weapons, and vervain-soaked gloves!
Damon Salvatore: He seems trustworthy! Hick!
Matt Donovan: Hey Jeremy! Wait … where are we again!
Jeremy Gilbert: This place called a “school.” I think it’s from a Latin word that means “place to prepare for the weekly costume ball and / or mass funeral. Speaking of, can you help me unload these memorial paper lanterns?
Matt Donovan: Paper lanterns? No one thought it would be rude to pay tribute to a bunch of people who died in a fire by lighting another fire?
Jeremy Gilbert: Not really. All of the smart people in town died in the explosion.
Matt Donovan: speaking of how people are doing, what’s Elena up to?
Jeremy Gilbert: No idea! I drank a bottle of NyQuil and buried my head under a pillow the second she started moaning, and I’m pretty sure that was just because Stefan brought over a snack-sized puppy!
Matt Donovan: I still feel really bad that she died because Stefan saved me first! She must be so mad at me!
Jeremy Gilbert: You’re right! Eternal youth, endless beauty, vast riches, and the unending attention of two of the hottest males ever born is really weighing on her! You should send her an “I’m sorry I got you temporarily killed card!” They stock them at the local hallmark store now!
April Young: Hi guys! My father died in an explosion and took most of the town out with him! Kerblewey! Wait, was that awkward!
Elena Gilbert (on the phone): Hi Caroline! I’m having some trouble inking-dray the ood-blay, and I was wondering if you ever omited-vay ofusely-pray over Stefan’s oes-shay. Call me!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Elena!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! I was just-
Stefan Salvatore: Whoo you’re a vampire and you love bunnies and you aren’t having any trouble adjusting to your new life and everything is going to be perfect and I was right and Damon was wrong and we’re going to be happy forever and you’re never going to kill anybody and let’s have champaign and sex whoo!
Elena Gilbert: Nevermind.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Damon! I just dropped by to accuse you of solving all of our problems in the most horribly violent way possible! And also to ask why my guts explode every time I eat a poodle.
Damon Salvatore: Probably because Stefan is an idiot and foreign exchange students are tasty. Speaking of, there’s a nice Icelandic girl over there who-
Elena Gilbert: Damon, no! I am a pure and innocent creature, and cannot suffer the thought of spilling human blood!
Damon Salvatore: Well in that case you should probably just drink my-
Elena Gilbert: Om nom nom tasty fanservice nom!
Damon Salvatore: -Just don’t tell Stefan. :-)=
The Lady of the Manor: Damon is going to ruin those pants.
Tyler Lockwood: Wink wink wink!
Caroline Forbes: Tyler, stop! I feel guilty reveling in our eternal youth and raw sexual power when so many people died this week!
Tyler Lockwood: Nudge nudge nudge!
Caroline Forbes: We need to be more sensitive!
Tyler Lockwood: I’ve got a stimulating-
Caroline Forbes: Ew!
Carol Lockwood: Tyler! One of your friends is here, and he wants to know if you can come out to play!
Tyler Lockwood: Mom! What have I told you about interrupting when I’m studying with Caroline?
Carol Lockwood: That you’re studying The Psychology of Anger, and any grunting, shouting, or breaking furniture is normal and nothing to be worried about?
Connor Jordan: Hi guys! I just dropped by the ask if BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!
Caroline Forbes: There, you see what happens when you do the sex before the allotted grieving period is over? God sends an angry mercenary to shoot you in the chest a ton!
Stefan Salvatore: Let’s see … vervain-soaked gloves, large-caliber wooden bullets with arcane symbols carved into them … it can only mean one thing!
Tyler Lockwood: A professional vampire hunter?
Stefan Salvatore: I was going to say that Oliver Queen, star of the hit new show Arrow, was down to his last shot and had to carve his arrow down into tiny bullets, but your guess is better.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Matt! It was so sweet of you guys to throw me this memorial! I’ve never been to my own funeral before!
Matt Donovan: Um, Elena? Nobody know you died. This is the memorial for all the people who blew up in the last episode.
Elena Gilbert: But I don’t understand! That isn’t about me at all!
April Young: Hi guys! I’m supposed to give a speech but I don’t know what to say so I think I’m just going to make a joke about the pilot light going out! Is that a good idea or a great idea?
Elena Gilbert: Why yes I would love to take you into the back room and ravish you, what a lovely idea!
April Young: LOL whut?
Elena Gilbert: HAHAHA WHAAAAAARF!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Bonnie I know you’re probably mourning the loss of your entire family or some crap, but I need help ferreting out a vampire hunter. A vampire hunter who is not a billionaire playboy recently returned from five years on a deserted island, as it turns out!
Bonnie Bennet: I don’t trade in magic bullets, Stefan. If I was going to kill you, I’d cast a healing spell on you.
Elena Gilbert: WHAAAAAARF! Scrub WHAAAAAARF! Clean WHAAAAAARF! Tidy
Damon Salvatore: Hi Elena! I brought you a new dress! Because you spilled coffee all over your other one.
Connor Jordan: This is highly suspicious! I demand to watch you change out of your dirty clothes, solely to alleviate my suspicions that you may be a monster!
Elena Gilbert: Nice try, mister, but I’m not falling for that whole “I’m a man of the law, now show me your undies” thing twice!
Damon Salvatore: I had a badge and everything :-)=
Connor Jordan: Hi young lady! I see you’re mourning the loss of your father! Could I interest you in serving as bait for his most hated enemy?
April Young: I don’t -
Connor Jordan: Gutstab!
Elena Gilbert: Thanks for bringing me fresh blood, Damon! WHAAAAAARF!
Damon Salvatore: This is probably a weird-ass doppelganger thing. I’m gonna go track down Katherine and torture her until she tells me what’s going on.
Stefan Salvatore: Damon! What are you doing with my girlfriend and that blood?
Damon Salvatore: Well, I am trying to help her complete the transition into a vampire without having her guts explode, but I was getting a wrist job in the bathroom about five minutes ago!
Damon Salvatore’s Eyebrows: :-D
Stefan Salvatore’s Hero Hair: D-:
Carol Lockwood: Thank you all for coming. We’re gathered here today to mourn the passing of our fleet of bus drivers, who all died in a tragic raccoon frenzy … wait, sorry, wrong tragedy. I meant to say we’re gathered here to mourn Pastor Brigham Young, whose love of house parties and loathing of house maintenance ended in a regrettable explosion. As a woman who lost her own husband in a fire, my thoughts are with all of those who lost a loved one. And as your unelected Mayor, I promise to crack down on the scourge of loose gas fittings. Now, would anyone like to say a word on behalf of the dearly departed?
Elena Gilbert: Oh me I would I would pick me! WHAAAAAARF!
Connor Jordan: Well that’s curious. Gutstab!
April Young: Profuse bleed!
Elena Gilbert: Sniff sniff! Why, my heightened senses detect the scent of blood! WHAAAAAARF!
Caroline Forbes: It must be the hunter! Let’s freak out and kick his ass!
Stefan Salvatore: Let’s storm the choir loft with our fangs bared!
Tyler Lockwood: Let’s get our own apartment, so my mom will stop “accidentally” walking in on me in the shower!
Damon Salvatore: Or, we could not fall into the very obvious trap. You know, just to switch things up a bit.
Elena Gilbert: WHAAAAAARF!
Stefan Salvatore: Nothing to see here, folks. She’s just … grief vomiting.
Damon Salvatore: Hey, you know what I realized during the commercial break? Being the reasonable one sucks. So I’m going to go rip Safari Sam’s head off and then shoot over to the grill for a double. Anyone want to come with me?
Stefan Salvatore: Damon, no! The scent of even more fresh blood could send Elena over the edge! And if the people of this town know what she is, they’ll -
Damon Salvatore: Throw her a parade? Build her a monument? Completely forget about it by the next episode?
Stefan Salvatore: She needs to eat!
Matt Donovan: Not for nothing, but I’ve got plenty of fresh blood -
Elena Gilbert: OM NOM NOM TASTY DONNOVAN NOM!
Matt Donovan: I was going to say “in the cooler in my truck,” because I was hoping Rebekah was going to throw me a bone, but this is nice, too.
Stefan Salvatore: Nothing to see here, folks. She’s just … grief nibbling on her ex-boyfriend’s neck.
The Lady of the Manor: Tasty mashed potato blood! Do you think he tastes like gravy?
Damon Salvatore: Okay, so now that Elena’s off her fat kid in a candy store kick, can I go murder someone?
Tyler Lockwood: Not before I jump up in front of the crowd, wave my arms around, and shout “I’m a hybrid and I don’t care who knows it!”
Damon Salvatore: … I hate all of you.
Connor Jordan: Me too! BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!
Damon Salvatore: Hi Connor! Since you’re new to Mystic Falls, I’d like to offer you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to chose your own way of passing! “Broken neck” is the old standby, but “heart ripped out of my chest” is significantly more popular. But! This week only we’re having a special on “stabbed with my own gun!” So would you like to -
Connor Jordan: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!
Damon Salvatore: Ow.
Stefan Salvatore: Damon! Are you all right?
Damon Salvatore: Aside from the dozens of bullet wounds, yes, I’m fine.
Stefan Salvatore: But you look weak. Probably unable to defend yourself, or fight back, or even toss off sarcastic one-liners.
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, probably.
Stefan Salvatore: In that case … THIS IS FOR TRICKING ELENA INTO GIVING YOU A WRIST JOB IN THE BATHROOM! Facestomp!
Damon Salvatore: …Totally worth it.
Elena Gilbert: Hi April! You sure do look delicious! Fangs!
Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! Since neither Salvatore brother has the sense God gave my pushup bra, I’m going to step in and teach you how to vampire! First, give her your blood to heal her. Second, look into her eyes to wipe her memory. Third, for the love of God start taking awesome lessons from Katherine. Seriously, this is your one change to not suck, let’s not blow it.
Caroline Forbes: Better Than You since 2012.
Matt Donovan: Hey, do you think we should talk about this town’s deep, dark secrets in public?
Jeremy Gilbert: Sure we should! Right after we discuss this friendly looking fellow’s magic vanishing tattoo!
Connor Jordan (in his notebook): TODO: 1. Laundry 2. Kill captain of football team. Again. 3. Kill that guy with the great hair. 3. Kill that guy with the great hair’s brother. 4 Kill bus boy at grill. 5. Get new door for truck. 6. Dinner. Sushi? Pasta? Chicken marinated in the tears of my enemies?
Father Fuckhead (in his suicide note): Dear April, Sorry about blowing up dozens of people in a cultish murder-suicide. I know how things like that can be hard on a high school girl’s social life. On the bright side, when I come back as a zombie, you are totally going to be the most interesting girl in town. Oh, just an FYI, 90% of the people in Mystic Falls are vampires, and anyone reading this should murder them a ton. -XOXO Your father the Father
Stefan Salvatore: You lied to me, Elena! You don’t love eating bunnies! You haven’t sworn off quarterbacks! You’re still giving wrist jobs in the bathroom!
Elena Gilbert: Yeah, well maybe I’d be more honest if you’d take down the “HAPPY DEATH / REBIRTH / ETERNAL ORGY OF CHASTE LUST” banner you hung up in the living room.
Stefan Salvatore: You’re right! I’ve totally overlooked your need for shitty emotional pastiche!
Stefan Salvatore: Hi guys! I brought you all together so we could mourn everybody we’ve lost! And then light lanterns in their honor! I’ll go first! I’m mourning my uncle Zach!
Damon Salvatore: Yeah, sorry about that.
Stefan Salvatore: And Lexi!
Damon Salvatore: My bad.
Tyler Lockwood: And my Uncle Mason!
Damon Salvatore: Oops.
Jeremy Gilbert: And Vicki!
Damon Salvatore: She got better!
Elena Gilbert: And my bio-mom!
Damon Salvatore: She got better too!
Bonnie Bennet: And my Grams!
Damon Salvatore: That wasn’t my fault!
Stefan Salvatore: Anyway, let’s light these lanterns and send them up into the sky!
Dozens Die in (Another) Freak Accident. 37 people died last night when three score Japanese lanterns, thought to symbolize “letting go of the past” and also “ooh that’s shiny,” came falling inevitably back to earth. The lanterns, which were for some reason soaked in gas, caused a fire which quickly consumed the maternity ward of Mystic Falls Hospital, the Lockwood Puppy Shelter, and the Gilbert Memorial Orphanage.
Damon Salvatore: Hi Alaric’s grave! Just came by to let you know that your death was in vain and literally everybody in Mystic Falls has managed, somehow, to get dumber since you died. Elena’s a vampire now, because Stefan’s a douche bag, and she is, shockingly, terrible at it. Like, worse than you, and you were so full of self-loathing that you went on a murderous rampage. But at least Klaus is still alive and his sister wants to murder us all. Assuming, of course, the new town hunter doesn’t get to us first. Jesus I wish you were here. You always made me seem like less of an alcoholic. Hick!
The Ghost of Alaric Saltzman: I miss you too, buddy.
The Fans: Weep.
The Plot: Thickens.
This was an awesome episode. I guess some people didn’t love the season premier (I can only assume because they hate fun), but this was forty solid minutes of amazing. I really can’t think of a single thing I didn’t love.
I really like how they’re handling Elena’s introduction to vampire life. I knew that the fight between Damon’s moderation and Stefan’s total abstinence until I murder a sorority would be a key point this season, and so far I love how they’re handling it. I also love that Elena is trying to take Stefan’s path … because one, it’s totally in character, and two, it’s gonna give Damon a huge “I told you so” moment.
And Elena feeding from Damon in the bathroom? Jesus, I almost got pregnant just watching it.
Elena’s inability to keep blood down is also interesting, mostly because it probably means they’re going to have to bring Katherine back in order to figure out what’s going on, and more Katherine is always a good thing.
And then there’s the New Guy, Connor. Love love love him so far. He’s just a total, remorseless killer. He will do anything to take out his target, and little things like collateral damage aren’t his concern. How cold do you have to be to stab an innocent girl at her father’s funeral just to cap a couple of guys you haven’t even met?
I was wondering how they were going to up the danger when the Brothers Salvatore have already defeated (kinda) the Original Badass Vampires. Well Connor looks like he’s going to be able to do it, not because he’s a greater physical danger, but because his motives are so pure and because the Salvatores have nothing to dangle in front of him to make him blink. He doesn’t need Elena’s blood or Bonnie’s cooperation or Stefan hair wax … he just needs them dead.
This is going to be a wild ride, folks.