Previously, on The Vampire Diaries
Elena Gilbert: Ow why does my head hurt… and why am I in a strange bed… and why is there a vampire bartender sitting in a chair right beside me… oh crap.
Elena Gilbert: Sneak… sneak… sneak…
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Vampire hearing Elena trying to escape and waking up and scaring the crap out of her powers activate!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Don’t try to escape. Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>
Elena Gilbert: Gets all glassy-eyed, agrees dumbly, tries to escape anyway.
Anna No-Last-Name: Um, hello, idiot? She dates a vampire. She’s totes stocked up with anti-vampire pot. Idiot
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sadface
Elena Gilbert: Well, here I am, locked in the bathroom in Shady Dealings Motel. Oh, hey, Bonnie is trapped in here with me!
Bonnie Bennet: I’m unconscious!
Stefan Salvatore: Dude they took my girlfriend you gotta help even though I totally stabbed you in the back last episode!
Damon Salvatore: Hm. I’m thinking… no.
Stefan Salvatore: Pleeeeeeease! Look, I’ll admit that I was a jerk and that you’re better than me and that you’re cuter than me and I’ll even say that you’re taller if you want just please help me get my hot girlfriend back!
Damon Salvatore: Well, when you put it that way…. no.
Stefan Salvatore: If I wasn’t such a pansy, I would totally get back at you for this.
Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, they need a witch to open the tomb to free Katherine to advance the plot!
Bonnie Bennet: I’ll never help them!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Oh, well, I guess we’ll just let you go then.
Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Really?
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ha! No! I’m gonna torture Elena until Bonnie behaves!
Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Sadface
The Entire Cast: Hey! Remember us? We’re still in this show!
Caroline Forbes: Matt, I wrote a speech. It’s a “you kissed me and I don’t want things to get weird” speech.
Matt Donovan: That’s… weird.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Gramma B, have you seen Bonnie?
Grandma Bennet: Your kind ain’t welcome here, vampire. No matter how cute you are.
Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? Step out here and say that!
Grandma Bennet: Steps out there.
Grandma Bennet: Super witch mind pain ray vampire felling powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Ow! Man, it sucks when they fight back!
Anna No-Last-Name: My mother is trapped in the tomb! Because she’s a vampire! Pout.
Elena Gilbert: My mother is trapped in a tomb! Because she’s dead! Pout.
Anna No-Last-Name: So, enough bonding. This your phone?
Elena Gilbert: Hey, gimme back my product placement blackberry!
Anna No-Last-Name: Ah ah ah! Hey Stephan, I’ve got your girlfriend and your witch. Let’s do lunch!
Bonnie Bennet: I can start fire with my water with my brain!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Stops, drops, rolls. Wow, that really works! And now I’m angry! This is my angry face! >:-= Grr!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, wanna go to a party tonight? It’s by the cemetery in the woods, near the Ominous Vampire Tomb!
Anna No-Last-Name: Boy, do I!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Mutters ominous threats. Ominously.
Stefan Salvatore: Breaks down the door and tears down the curtains, letting the sunlight stream in, sending Vampire Ben screaming into the corner. Which is what the girls should have done, oh, an hour ago.
Stefan Salvatore: When the sun goes down, leave town. If I ever see you again, I will kill you.
Wesley Snipes as Blade: You better wake up. The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it – the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull the trigger!
Thomas: What Mr. Snipes meant to say is that Stephan is a huge girl, and might want to think about killing the evil demon monsters that keep kidnapping his girlfriend.
Elena Gilbert: Okay, look, I know I hurt you and I know you’re angry, but I promise cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die (but not really please don’t hurt me) that I’m telling you the truth! I’ll help you get Katherine back! Look, here’s my anti-vampire-pot necklace! Do the Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula> thing! Ask me if I’m lying.
Damon Salvatore: Steps in close, looks Elena in the eye, and… fastens her necklace around her throat.
Damon Salvatore: I trust you. Don’t make me regret it.
Thomas: That was… kind of hot, actually.
Caroline Forbes: Elena! Where have you been?
Elena Gilbert: Not plotting to unleash Damon’s psycho vampire ex, that’s for sure!
Matt Donovan: Hey, I’m Matt. We haven’t met.
Damon Salvatore: There’s a reason we haven’t. Let’s go. Grab’s Elena’s arm, drags her away.
Thomas: Brief aside: I know they’re trying to play up a whole “Caroline is insecure because Matt isn’t over Elena” thing, but after watching Damon drag her off like that, he would be totally right to be worried about her, and Caroline, who was eaten by Damon on numerous occasions, should understand that. Also: the whole creepy-stalker-edward-cullen-obsessive-controlling-boyfriend thing is not okay. </soapbox>
Stefan Salvatore: Magical supplies: check. Witches: check. Flamethrower for the other vampires: check. Okay, let’s do this thing!
Grandma Bennet: Casts a circle, calls the towers, and gets ready to rend the veil.
Thomas: Has already spotted half a dozen mistakes in her formula. Don’t ask.
Bonnie Bennet and Grandma Bennet: Mumble mumble something vaguely Latin.
The Seal to Katherine’s Tomb: Slides open like a low-budget stone prop.
Damon Salvatore: Sweet! So… I’m going to take Elena with me and get my psycho vampire ex back! Let’s go, insurance policy!
Anna No-Last-Name: I’m going to get my mommy back! And Ben the Vampire Bartender is going to eat Elena’s brother if you try to stop me!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Grr! Arg! Charge!
Stefan Salvatore: Clothesline!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Is that all you got?
Stefan Salvatore: Nope. I got this. Flamethrower!
Thomas and Wesley Snipes as Blade: Slow clap, building to thunderous applause.
Grandma Bennet: Hey, did I mention how I only opened the door, and didn’t break the seal? And how Elena can get out of the tomb because she’s human, but Damon and the rest are stuck down there forever?
Anna No-Last-Name: Mommy! You look thirsty! Bites Elena.
Elena Gilbert: Screams.
Stefan Salvatore: Rushes in stupidly heroically.
Damon Salvatore: Katherine’s not here. She’s not here. She’s not here! She’s not here! Throws a bag of blood on the ground. Epic. Sad. Face.
Elena Gilbert: Consoling hug.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!
Elena Gilbert: So you don’t remember anything? At all?
Jeremy Gilbert: Nope! And I’m definitely not going to Google “vampires in the real world” as soon as you’re gone!
Anna No-Last-Name and Mamma No-Last-Name: Have rather poor night vision, for vampires.
Damon Salvatore: Lurks creepily in the chair in the corner.
Damon Salvatore: Where’s Katherine? Throat grab! Menace! Grr!
Anna No-Last-Name: Oh, didn’t I mention? She turned one of the guards at the church into a vampire, and he let her go. She was in Chicago not too long ago. And is totally not that into you.
Damon Salvatore: Epic. Heart. Break.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!
Grandma Bennet: Well, that was quite a spell.
Grandma Bennet: Dies.
Bonnie Bennet: Grandma? Grandma! Grabs the Book of Shadows. I can fix this! I’m a witch! I’m a witch. I’m… a… witch…
Thomas: Is now Team Bonnie. Well played, show, well played.
Some Random Vampire: Grabs Damon’s bag of blood, drinks it, stumbles out into the night.
The Plot: Thickens.
*Loved* this episode. Damon and Bonnie both broke my heart, and I was *not* a fan of Bonnie until like thirty seconds ago.
Totally agree, I did not know Bonnie had such acting chops. lol Anyway, EPIC. RECAP. Loved the shady hotel scenes, and now that you mention it, Elena really could have just openned the curtains! DumbImeanSILLY girl. ;D I really did enjoy how evil Katherine was to just abandon Damon like that, but really, who could resist such a cute sad face?
Thanks :-)
I haven’t been a big fan of the witch subplot, but this really sold me on it. I love the whole “I’m so powerful, why can’t I fix this” angle, and Katerina Graham really sold it.
Damon is a great character, and Ian Somerhalder plays him perfectly. They’ve been careful to never really redeem him – he has his honorable moments, like when he fastened Elena’s necklace back in place – but he’s still a cold, vicious murderer at heart. But still, when he gets all hurt and wounded… you can’t help but sympathize.
And the curtains… that whole first scene, where she’s trying to sneak out, I was just like “it’s bright outside. This is simple math.”
Oh… and now that Katherine’s broken Damon’s heart, ten to one he falls for Elena…
Wow! I came across your blog two days ago and now after watching the show, I came here for your recap/review. You are very funny but most importantly you make very good points. Already bookmarked!!!!
can someone fill me in on when this program is on television please. i would like to get involved with this discussion.
Thanks Deise :-)
Jim: Vampire Diaries airs on the CW, Thursdays at 8pm. You can catch up on episodes on-line at their web site:
http://www.cwtv.com/shows/the-vampire-diaries
Wow, your recaps are hilarious, and you make some great points. The curtains thing never occurred to me, but you’re so right! You are now officially my first web-stop after a TVD episode!
Thanks Ang. :-) I catch these on-line, so I’m usually about a day behind… these usually go up some time Friday night.
The curtain thing seemed so obvious to me that I thought I had actually missed something. And then Anna walked into the room, and I didn’t realize that she had a Ring of Not Exploding in the Sunlight, and I was like “oh, it must be nighttime, and it’s just a street light I see through the window or something.” But, no.
So, remember, kids: if you get kidnapped by a pair of vampires and locked in a shady motel, *open the blinds*!
Hey Thomas,
Someone on the Vampire Diaries forum clued me in to your blog. Very funny. I am also enjoying your other entries.
We seem to share a similar sense of humour.
It seems that only the people in contact with Katherine (and Emily) at the time have those rings (Stefan, Damon, Anna). So now what’s up with Alaric’s ring…
Thanks Anita. Welcome aboard. :-)
I’m pretty sure that someone in the last episode said that Anna’s mother, Pearl, was the one who created the rings, so it makes sense that only that circle has them. I think Stephan told Lexi that they are keyed to an individual vampire, so Damon couldn’t use Stephan’s ring, for example.
Thomas, you’re famous. Anyway, how did the random vampire get out of the tomb at the end??? Did they NOT re-seal the tomb? I must have missed that part.
Yay! I’m slightly well known in tiny sections of the internets!
As to the escaping vampire… I thought that part was kind of clumsily handled.
Grandma Bennet did make a big deal about the tomb being a separate entity from the seal: you could open one without opening the other, which means you could close one without closing the other, too.
The Bennets’ first spell opened the tomb, but didn’t break the seal. The second spell broke the seal, so Stephan (and Damon, not that Grandma Bennet cared) could escape. I *think* Grandama Bennet cast a third spell, which successfully closed the tomb, but didn’t have enough mojo to actually reactivate the seal. And she used up so much power trying that it killed her.
As to Alaric’s ring…
Spoilers if my hunch is right, so swipe to read:
I’m betting he got it from Katherine, and that she’s the one that led him to the Salvatore brothers.
[...] On to the next episode [...]
Ooh, that’s good…
By the way, I loved your line:
Elena: My mother is trapped in a tomb! Because she’s dead! Pout.
So mean, so observant, so funny.
Can’t wait to read the rest of season 1′s episodes (damn you Olympics, damn you!)
Thanks. :-) My humor does tend to run toward the macabre. ;-)
I love your website, I hadn’t even watched this episode yet and I read your blog first. It is sooo funny. I love the series, but you just make it 1000 times better!!! :)
Aw, thanks Annie :-)
ok wait what’s with the hiatus till March 25th (again) um are they runnning out of plots to work?? I know they just want to build suspense, but is there anyone else who thinks that this is getting annoying?
Yeah, they’re annoying, but they’re also pretty typical. House has been on break for a while, so was Grey’s Anatomy. Pretty much every show goes on break mid-season, especially the longer ones. TVD has a 26-episode season, if I remember correctly, which is huge. Most new shows get a 13 episode test run. So, no, I don’t think they’re running out of plot points, I just think it’s how TV works.
Thats why I swore I would stop watching the vamp diaries after episode three, but I just couldn’t. So much for self control.
We all have our guilty pleasures :-)
Oh sooo true…. :) lol
Three more weeks lol, three more weeks
Finally, This Thursday, or rather for me it will be this Sunday when CW posts their show online, but I swear to read your blog first since it is sooo much better than the actual show. :)
So glad I found this. It’s absolutely hilarious! Can’t wait for the next recap (though I’m admittedly more excited for the next episode… I am addicted to this show).
Keep it up, please!
Haha, thanks Annie… but I wouldn’t go quite that far… the show is really well done, in my opinion. :-)
Thanks Jenna, and I agree… I love the vampire diaries! :-)
dude, freaking hilarious!!!! i so cannot wait for it to return on thursday!!!
as far as spoiler idea’s:
pretty sure katherine is gonna end up kidnapping the token damsel in distress, and getting staked by damon
Thanks :-)
Good thoughts re: Katherine… she and Damon definitely have some score settling to do.
[...] Previously, on The Vampire Diaries [...]
i don’t know why people hate damon so much, i mean elana should go out with him, not a dafodil like stefan, i mean, come on, if i were her, i would stop playing with both of them and stop being a whore. i love the show but she needs to pick! DAMON! DAMON!
Hi arielle :-)
I don’t think there’s a lot of Damon hate… I think there’s just Team Damon, and Team Damon If We Would Just Admit It To Ourselves. ;-)
Hey, awesome blog. I love the reoccurring jokes, like “blah blah blah powers activate!” and your dry sense of humor. Epic sad face indeed.
I kinda miss Caroline in the beginning, when she was all cheerleader-bitch-queen/vampire-fodder. Now that she’s a main(ish) character with her own woes and pathetic romances… well, let’s just say her speeches are a poor attempt at the Grey’s Anatomy style of babbling nonsense-that-somehow-means-something brand of speaking. (come now, writers, when there are handfuls of vampires and Gilberts and witches, do you think we’re really interested in a normal teenage human-human relationship? Think again.)
Hi Sunny, thanks :-)
I agree, I’m not really into the mundane Caroline/Matt/Elena stuff. It’s obvious that Elena only gets hot for the undead, so the attempted love triangle just doesn’t work. I think Caroline needs to become vampire bait again, and Matt needs to try and rescue her. Not that I think that’s particularly likely to work out well for him…