Elena Gilbert: Ow why does my head hurt… and why am I in a strange bed… and why is there a vampire bartender sitting in a chair right beside me… oh crap.
Elena Gilbert: Sneak… sneak… sneak…
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Vampire hearing Elena trying to escape and waking up and scaring the crap out of her powers activate!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Don’t try to escape. Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula>
Elena Gilbert: Gets all glassy-eyed, agrees dumbly, tries to escape anyway.
Anna No-Last-Name: Um, hello, idiot? She dates a vampire. She’s totes stocked up with anti-vampire pot. Idiot
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Sadface
Elena Gilbert: Well, here I am, locked in the bathroom in Shady Dealings Motel. Oh, hey, Bonnie is trapped in here with me!
Bonnie Bennet: I’m unconscious!
Stefan Salvatore: Dude they took my girlfriend you gotta help even though I totally stabbed you in the back last episode!
Damon Salvatore: Hm. I’m thinking… no.
Stefan Salvatore: Pleeeeeeease! Look, I’ll admit that I was a jerk and that you’re better than me and that you’re cuter than me and I’ll even say that you’re taller if you want just please help me get my hot girlfriend back!
Damon Salvatore: Well, when you put it that way…. no.
Stefan Salvatore: If I wasn’t such a pansy, I would totally get back at you for this.
Elena Gilbert: Bonnie, they need a witch to open the tomb to free Katherine to advance the plot!
Bonnie Bennet: I’ll never help them!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Oh, well, I guess we’ll just let you go then.
Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Really?
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Ha! No! I’m gonna torture Elena until Bonnie behaves!
Elena Gilbert and Bonnie Bennet: Sadface
The Entire Cast: Hey! Remember us? We’re still in this show!
Caroline Forbes: Matt, I wrote a speech. It’s a “you kissed me and I don’t want things to get weird” speech.
Matt Donovan: That’s… weird.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Gramma B, have you seen Bonnie?
Grandma Bennet: Your kind ain’t welcome here, vampire. No matter how cute you are.
Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah? Step out here and say that!
Grandma Bennet: Steps out there.
Grandma Bennet: Super witch mind pain ray vampire felling powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Ow! Man, it sucks when they fight back!
Anna No-Last-Name: My mother is trapped in the tomb! Because she’s a vampire! Pout.
Elena Gilbert: My mother is trapped in a tomb! Because she’s dead! Pout.
Anna No-Last-Name: So, enough bonding. This your phone?
Elena Gilbert: Hey, gimme back my product placement blackberry!
Anna No-Last-Name: Ah ah ah! Hey Stephan, I’ve got your girlfriend and your witch. Let’s do lunch!
Bonnie Bennet: I can start fire with my water with my brain!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Stops, drops, rolls. Wow, that really works! And now I’m angry! This is my angry face! >:-= Grr!
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey, wanna go to a party tonight? It’s by the cemetery in the woods, near the Ominous Vampire Tomb!
Anna No-Last-Name: Boy, do I!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Mutters ominous threats. Ominously.
Stefan Salvatore: Breaks down the door and tears down the curtains, letting the sunlight stream in, sending Vampire Ben screaming into the corner. Which is what the girls should have done, oh, an hour ago.
Stefan Salvatore: When the sun goes down, leave town. If I ever see you again, I will kill you.
Wesley Snipes as Blade: You better wake up. The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it – the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull the trigger!
Thomas: What Mr. Snipes meant to say is that Stephan is a huge girl, and might want to think about killing the evil demon monsters that keep kidnapping his girlfriend.
Elena Gilbert: Okay, look, I know I hurt you and I know you’re angry, but I promise cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die (but not really please don’t hurt me) that I’m telling you the truth! I’ll help you get Katherine back! Look, here’s my anti-vampire-pot necklace! Do the Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes. </dracula> thing! Ask me if I’m lying.
Damon Salvatore: Steps in close, looks Elena in the eye, and… fastens her necklace around her throat.
Damon Salvatore: I trust you. Don’t make me regret it.
Thomas: That was… kind of hot, actually.
Caroline Forbes: Elena! Where have you been?
Elena Gilbert: Not plotting to unleash Damon’s psycho vampire ex, that’s for sure!
Matt Donovan: Hey, I’m Matt. We haven’t met.
Damon Salvatore: There’s a reason we haven’t. Let’s go. Grab’s Elena’s arm, drags her away.
Thomas: Brief aside: I know they’re trying to play up a whole “Caroline is insecure because Matt isn’t over Elena” thing, but after watching Damon drag her off like that, he would be totally right to be worried about her, and Caroline, who was eaten by Damon on numerous occasions, should understand that. Also: the whole creepy-stalker-edward-cullen-obsessive-controlling-boyfriend thing is not okay. </soapbox>
Stefan Salvatore: Magical supplies: check. Witches: check. Flamethrower for the other vampires: check. Okay, let’s do this thing!
Grandma Bennet: Casts a circle, calls the towers, and gets ready to rend the veil.
Thomas: Has already spotted half a dozen mistakes in her formula. Don’t ask.
Bonnie Bennet and Grandma Bennet: Mumble mumble something vaguely Latin.
The Seal to Katherine’s Tomb: Slides open like a low-budget stone prop.
Damon Salvatore: Sweet! So… I’m going to take Elena with me and get my psycho vampire ex back! Let’s go, insurance policy!
Anna No-Last-Name: I’m going to get my mommy back! And Ben the Vampire Bartender is going to eat Elena’s brother if you try to stop me!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Grr! Arg! Charge!
Stefan Salvatore: Clothesline!
Ben the Vampire Bartender: Is that all you got?
Stefan Salvatore: Nope. I got this. Flamethrower!
Thomas and Wesley Snipes as Blade: Slow clap, building to thunderous applause.
Grandma Bennet: Hey, did I mention how I only opened the door, and didn’t break the seal? And how Elena can get out of the tomb because she’s human, but Damon and the rest are stuck down there forever?
Anna No-Last-Name: Mommy! You look thirsty! Bites Elena.
Elena Gilbert: Screams.
Stefan Salvatore: Rushes in
Damon Salvatore: Katherine’s not here. She’s not here. She’s not here! She’s not here! Throws a bag of blood on the ground. Epic. Sad. Face.
Elena Gilbert: Consoling hug.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!
Elena Gilbert: So you don’t remember anything? At all?
Jeremy Gilbert: Nope! And I’m definitely not going to Google “vampires in the real world” as soon as you’re gone!
Anna No-Last-Name and Mamma No-Last-Name: Have rather poor night vision, for vampires.
Damon Salvatore: Lurks creepily in the chair in the corner.
Damon Salvatore: Where’s Katherine? Throat grab! Menace! Grr!
Anna No-Last-Name: Oh, didn’t I mention? She turned one of the guards at the church into a vampire, and he let her go. She was in Chicago not too long ago. And is totally not that into you.
Damon Salvatore: Epic. Heart. Break.
Millions of Teenage Girls Around the Nation: Awwwwww!
Grandma Bennet: Well, that was quite a spell.
Grandma Bennet: Dies.
Bonnie Bennet: Grandma? Grandma! Grabs the Book of Shadows. I can fix this! I’m a witch! I’m a witch. I’m… a… witch…
Thomas: Is now Team Bonnie. Well played, show, well played.
Some Random Vampire: Grabs Damon’s bag of blood, drinks it, stumbles out into the night.
The Plot: Thickens.