previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
A Pretty Lady: Look! That guy is either dead or, like pretty much everyone else in this city at this time of night, passed out in the gutter after a sixteen hour gin and coke bender!
The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: What? I don’t see anyone there!
Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! My hair is awesome and you’re both dead!
A Pretty Lady: :-(
The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: :-O
Damon Salvatore: :-)=
Something shocking happened in Steubenville recently. Two young men were convicted, actually convicted, of rape. They can’t play football anymore! They might not graduate on time! What will happen to their college careers? Or their career careers? And then they got jail sentences! Why, it’s almost as if it isn’t safe to be a rapist anymore!
But worry not, young sexual assailants! I’m here to help! I know that being convicted of rape can have devastating consequences for any young man, and even the allegations of rape can haunt a man for the rest of his life. What’s a virile young stud to do?
Get your notebooks, kids, because this plan is detailed, and maybe even a little hard to follow. But if you’re diligent, if you take my advice to heart, you can save yourself from the fate of the Steubenville rapists. Ready?
A Virtually Flawless Plan to Stop a Rape Conviction from Ruining Your Life:
A bold plan, I know, but it’s almost 100% guaranteed to save you from being labeled a rapist for the rest of your life. “But,” you ask, because you’re an asshole, “what about those bitches who run around screaming ‘rape rape rape’ every time some guy uses some roofies to loosen her up a little bit?”
Ah, therein lies the secret to my plan. You see, somewhere around two percent of rape accusations are false. That means 98 times out of 100, if someone says you raped them, you actually did! So by simply not raping anyone, you instantly have a 98% chance of protecting yourself from the devastating consequences of a rape conviction! Amazing!
“But,” you ask, because you’re still an asshole, “just what is rape? It’s not like ‘no’ means ‘no’. Some bitches just need convincing!” Ah, a common misconception (among shitheads)! But it turns out that 97% of grammarians agree, the word “no” does actually indicate lack of consent!
“So you’re saying,” you posit, because you’re still a shit weasel, “that I have to get her drunk before I fuck her?” No! In a stunning blow to rapists everywhere, courts have found that the inability to consent is the same thing as lack of consent! Not giving her the chance to say “no” just isn’t good enough!
“But,” you interject, because your soul is as putrid as your genitalia, “how am I supposed to get my rocks off if I have to get a girl’s permission before I stick it in her?”
Well, good sir, try this: go fuck yourself, instead.
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Since I am contractually obligated to remove the fun from any and all situations, I must voice my deep concerns that Elena has become an interesting character!
Damon Salvatore: And as your roguish yet charming, slightly evil, and more attractive brother, I must disagree!
Stefan Salvatore: But Damon! She turned off her human emotions! And burned down her own house! While her brother was still inside!
Damon Salvatore: Oh come on … he was already dead!
Stefan Salvatore: And you aren’t the least bit concerned that the girl you love is going to turn into a clone of the girl you hate? You know, since she is played by the same actress and all.
Damon Salvatore: Please, it’s not like she’s throwing herself down in the middle of the road, waiting for some hapless jerk to stop and offer assistance, and then eating the poor fool as soon as they get out of the car!
Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! For I have fallen, and I can’t get up!
SOme Hapless Jerk: Egads, this is terrible! Allow me to offer assistance!
Elena Gilbert: :-)=
Stefan Salvatore: You were saying?
Damon Salvatore: Shut up.
Quick update on my various and sundry writing projects.
The Wild Hunt – The Godless Saint – Book One is rolling right along. I’m 67,000 words into the first draft, which is about half way through the novel. And yes, that’s a lot of words. The Wild Hunt looks like it’s going to be roughly twice as long as Sire and Scion, my contributions to the “pretty teenage vampires” genre. I work on The Wild Hunt every night, and add about 5,000 words per week to the manuscript. At that rate it should take me twelve weeks to complete the story, at which point I’m going to put out a call for beta readers.
Speaking of, I got some great feedback from my beta readers on Scion, and I’m currently in the process of editing that novel. The good news is most of the story is going to stay as-is, though the order of some events is going to get shuffled around. I am changing the tone of one of the major plot threads and adding a few new scenes, though. I work on Scion over the weekends, and hope to have the edits done in about one month, at which point I’ll probably put out a call for a final set of beta readers for that, too.
And then there’s the TVD recaps. I write those on Friday nights or Saturday mornings. Those all get published here, and Season Four will be collected as an eBook as soon as the season wraps. I should start poking The Lady to make me a cover so that I can get it up as soon as possible, actually.
Anyway! It’s time for you, my beloved readers, to share your thoughts. This week’s question is two-fold, and has to do with output.
First, do you prefer one or two longer works per year (we’re talking 70,000 – 100,000 word novels here, somewhere between 200 and 400 pages), or several shorter novellas per year (think four 30,000 word / 100 page stories)?
Second, how important is rigorous copy-editing to you? Does a misplaced comma make you throw a book away in disgust, or would you prefer to let some errors in if it means you get more stories faster?
Let me know in the comments.
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Nice of you to join us! While you were off pulling splinters out of Rebekah’s paws, Katherine Pierce made her glorious return, ate Jeremy, and gave the scraps to Silas! Now Jeremy’s dead, Silas is alive, Katherine has the only thing that can kill him, Bonnie is off making googley eyes at her hallucinations, and Elena is sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth, singing Single Ladies to herself.
Damon Salvatore: Okay, well we just have to – wait, what? Single Ladies?
Stefan Salvatore: You know, if you like it you shoulda put a Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying on it?
Damon Salvatore: But Jeremy was one of the Five. The ring won’t work on him.
Stefan Salvatore: And therein lies the hook for the rest of the season.
Damon Salvatore: Okay! This calls for some decisive action. So you grab Elena and take her home, and I’ll be over here ignoring this whole damn thing. Later! Zoom!
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Also, this happened.
Galen Vaughn: Top o’ the morning to ya laddie! How be those wee vervain-soaked ropes treatin’ ya?
Damon Salvatore: Kinda itchy, but no worse than the ones Elena uses to tie me to the-
Galen Vaughn: Ah yes, wee Elena, born a doppelganger, recently turned vampire, pot o’ gold between the bow of her legs.
Damon Salvatore: So you’re the one that’s been peeking in through her windows at night! Huh, now I feel all bad about breaking Matt’s shins.
Galen Vaughn: Aye! I’a been spyin’ on the lot o’ ya! There’s Damon, who may not be as evil as he wishes everyone to believe, and Elena, who could charm the pants off a snake, and bonnie Bonnie, the witch, and …
Damon Salvatore: Oh Jesus, just kill me already.
Galen Vaughn: Not until I finish me Lucky Charms!
Damon Salvatore: Say, that’s a nice magic tattoo!
Galen Vaughn: Why thank ye laddie! Would ye believe that it just showed up out o’ the blue a few days ago?
Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah, that must have been due to the vampire genocide we committed a couple of episodes ago.
Galen Vaughn: What’s this now? I thought you were a vampire?
Damon Salvatore: Hos before bros, dude. Little Damon needs his fun, too.
The Lady of the Manor: Fun fact: Irish hunters have an additional super power … the power to make panties explode.
I can already hear my spam filter wincing.
Anyway, earlier today this happened:
Alloy Entertainment: Vaughn has a strong opinion when it comes to Delena on the show. But what’s your outlook on their relationship from what you’ve seen so far? What piece of love advice would you offer them?
Charlie Bewley: My outlook on relationships is not one you want to hear, but in the context of TVD I’ll say this: I cannot believe these two brothers toss around a girl they supposedly love, neither can I believe that Elena willfully hops into bed with one after the next, and back. Sire bond is no excuse.
And then Twitter exploded.
Let’s ignore the fact that his statement is factually incorrect. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that Elena banged Stefan, then boffed Damon, then diddled Stefan again, then took a trip to Damon’s boneyard, then took a ride on Stefan’s magic stake, then made the vampire with two backs with Damon, then let Stefan bury the little Salvatore in her tomb, if you know what I mean. Is that wrong?
It seems strange that guys slut shame girls. Guys are supposed to want girls to have sex with them, right? In a lot of cases I think they do, but the key is they want girls to have sex with them. If a girl sucks my dick it’s because I’m an alpha male, but if she sucks yours it’s because she’s a slut. I think a lot of men buy into this without even realizing it.
But it’s worse that women still accept, and even advocate, this mentality. I had a female reader write in to tell me that she couldn’t relate to the characters in my novel because they were all, direct quote, sluts. All of the girls in Sire think about sex, talk about sex, and have sex. And all of them (except for one) are monogamous. But that doesn’t matter. The fact that sex is a part of their lives, an important part of their lives, makes them less worthy, unrelatable … sluts.
The idea that chastity is a virtue comes from a time when women were chattle, property to be bought and sold, a time when all they had to offer was their virginity and their uterus. When a girl had sex with a man it was shameful because her virginity belonged to her husband … whether she had met him yet or not.
Fuck that.
Sex is fun. Sex is healthy. Sex is a biological goddamn imperative. Should you be safe? Of course. Should you be honest? Absolutely. But should you be ashamed? Again, fuck no. Sex is messy and wonderful and awkward and thrilling and slippery and sticky and the reason we’re all here.
We’ve come a long way from our bronze age goat herding ancestors … or at least some of us have. The reason birth control is such a controversy right now is that it changes the balance of power. Birth control allows women to enjoy sex without worrying about getting pregnant, about literally devoting the rest of their lives to another human being, and a large portion of our society absolutely hate that idea. The idea that a woman can own her own sexuality and enjoy her body without a man’s permission infuriates them.
And then there’s the idea that women are delicate little flowers that will shatter into a million pieces the second their hymen tears, unless it’s torn by their husband. Fuck that nonsense, too. Sex can help you blow off steam or break your heart. Sex can cement a lifelong relationship or be over in a night. It can be wonderful or painful or epic or bland. But you, special little snowflake, will pick yourself up and carry on, regardless.
So like the Wiccans say, “an it harm none, fuck whoever you want.” Sex is a part of our humanity, a part of our society, and a part of our lives, whether you’re a virgin or a pro. And our characters can, should reflect that same spectrum of sexuality that we do.
But then, this happened:
Charlie Bewley (@alchemission)
I was asked to say something about the triangle and that’s the funniest thing I could think up. Sorry if I offended any sluts out there.
And then the pieces of Twitter gathered themselves together and blew up all over again.
I might be wrong, but I don’t think this was meant to be as harsh as most of the internet is reading it. I don’t think he was saying “oh, I’m reeeeeealy sorry I offended you delicate sensibilities, you sluts.” I think he was saying something more like “hey, we’re all a bunch of big old sluts, so let’s live and let live, huh? Winkeyface? Don’t murder me?”
Update: A handful of people have sent me this link, which gives a lot more context for the above tweet, and makes Bewley look a lot better as a human being.
But maybe I’m wrong. Sarcasm is goddamn hard to read sometimes, particularly when you’re limited to 140 characters. Maybe he was calling sex-positive people sluts.
The question, to me, is what we do with that? I’m not talking about Charlie Bewley as an actor or a person; I honestly give nary a shit. I’m talking about our culture, and the language we use to talk about sex.
A lot of people think the word “slut” should be retired, that it no longer serves a legitimate role in our sexual vernacular. There’s nothing wrong with a girl enjoying her sexuality, so the term “sult” is, itself, meaningless.
But I take a different approach. Probably because sarcasm is my stock in trade and saying offensive things is how I pay my bills, but I think we should take the word “slut” back. I’ve written characters that refer to themselves and their friends as sluts, not to shame them, but because there is no shame in enjoying sex.
I think that approach is more powerful. Don’t ignore the bad guy’s weapons, take them away. They want to cause harm with their words, but we have the power to claim those words as our own. I don’t think it’s enough to say “I’m not a slut” or “don’t call me a slut,” I think we should be saying “yeah, I’m a slut … and there’s nothing wrong with that. You hairy-assed medieval douche nozzle. So go fuck yourself while I’m over here fucking whoever I bloody well want.”
So Elena? Let your slut flag fly.
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Profesor Shane: Wow, who knew that training for an ultra marathon would involve so much running?
Arnie the Aboriginal Murder Machine: Or dodging so many arrows!
Profesor Shane: Wait, what?
Arnie the Aboriginal Murder Machine: Never mind, just be careful about that bottomless pit over there!
Profesor Shane: Wait, what?
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Stefan Salvatore: OMG what have I done OMG I hate hatesex with Rebekah OMG my chastity in in tatters OMG how will I ever forgive myself OMG I have to get out of here OMG maybe if I’m careful she won’t wake up OMG she’s snoring that’s a good sign OMG what would Lexi think OMG okay time to activate my super vampire sneaking powers …
Klaus: Hi Stefan! It looks like you’re trying to sneak out of Rebekah’s apartment! Hey Rebekah! Did you hear that! Stefan’s trying to sneak out of your apartment!
Stefan Salvatore: I hate you so much.
Klaus: …Does that mean we’re going to have hatesex too?
Stefan Salvatore: So. Much.
Klaus: Anyway, Kol is running about with my Magic Daggers of Original Inconvenience and the Splintery Shaft of Sudden Slaughter, and since I really enjoy having complete power over you …
Rebekah: Go fuck yourself?
Stefan Salvatore: No, I’m good. Last night wore me out. I -
Rebekah: Not you, Stefan, him.
The Lady of the Manor: This entire show could be Klaus close-arguing and I would watch it every single week.
previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
Matt Donovan: Man, and I thought I hated it when coach made me run suicides! Klaus making me run homicides is way worse!
Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Damon! You said I wouldn’t have to kill any innocent people!
Klaus: In an interesting legal loophole, I killed the innocent people. Now you just have to kill the innocent vampires!
Damon Salvatore: That’s a great plan, Klaus! I sure hope no one uses a carefully worded promise to screw us all over later in the episode!