previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Elena Gilbert: What the hell even is Iquity?

Damon Salvatore: Iquity is the characteristic I exhibit when I do not allow you to remove all of your clothes and ride me like a naughty pony, no matter how much you and or I both want it, because the quote unquote Sire bond between us may make you less than capable of consent.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, so it’s like not being a raging douchebag?

Damon Salvatore: With a side of pent up sexual frustration that will probably lead to the death of a cheerleader and/or epic hatesex with Rebekah next episode, yeah.

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I’ve been pro-gun rights my entire life. I’ve never owned a gun, but I know the basics about how to load one, aim it, and fire it, and I’m an okay shot if I take my time. And I’ve never had a problem with someone else owning them, whether it be for hunting, for recreation, or for self defense.

For years, that has been my only remaining conservative position. I’ve seen the light, so to speak, on taxes, health care, gay marriage, climate change … the list goes on and on. But I’ve consistently supported gun rights.

That changed yesterday.

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The Lady of the Manor: So … my family does this thing where we fill each other’s stockings. And I already called little bottles of booze.

Thomas: God damn it, that’s what I was going to say! Especially for the kids!

The Lady of the Manor: Yeah, there won’t be any kids there.

Thomas: God damn it, how am I supposed to corrupt youth if there aren’t any youth around! Although no youth is a plus …

The Lady of the Manor: You could get everybody candy …

Thomas: Great idea! Hey, do you happen to know everyone’s favorite candy?

The Lady of the Manor: Of course I do. They’re my family, so-

Thomas: Because I want to make sure I get something else, and hopefully derail this little traffic accident in the future.

The Lady of the Manor: …

Thomas: :-D

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Elena Gilbert: Okay, I’m off to school!

Damon Salvatore: …

Elena Gilbert: …

Damon Salvatore: HAHAHA!

Elena Gilbert: Wink wink wink!

Damon Salvatore: Nudge nudge nudge!

Stefan Salvatore and Caroline Forbes: Bitch bitch bitch!

Team Delena: Fap fap fap!

Team Stelena: Cut cut cut!

Team Producers: Muahaha!

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Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Caroline Forbes: Hi Stefan! As you know, odd social rituals are the most important thing in Mystic Falls, and I was wondering when you were going to show up to the High School Beauty Pageant of Doom 2012?

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, but Elena is on Team Damon now, so I’m going to channel my sexual frustrations into sweaty, shirtless workouts and then probably murder a ton of people. I’m booked solid!

Caroline Forbes: What? Elena has feelings for Damon? The Damon who has saved her life countless times? The Damon who stood by her side when you went off and murdered literally hundreds of innocent girls? The Damon who didn’t threaten to murder her in the same way her parents died just to get back at Klaus? The Damon who was enough of a gentleman to not take advantage of her emotional weakness to get into her panties? The Damon who tired to help he get her urges under control instead of bottling them up like some kind of fanged time bomb? The Damon who tried to convince her to become strong and independent? That Damon?

Stefan Salvatore: I know, right? Like what the actual fuck?

The Lady of the Manor: Not even Caroline Forbes can make me like peplum tops.

Thomas: What in the nine fucks is a peplumb top?

The Lady of the Manor: See? You aren’t a complete girl!

Thomas: …Thanks?

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Thomas: Hola! Un vino blanco y un majestic, por favor!

El Camarero: Si! <Machinegun spanish>

Thomas: …Fuck it. A white wine and an orange fruity thing, please.

El Camarero: …Yes sir.

El Talachero: Hola! Habla espanol?

Thomas: Solomente un muy pequito.

El Talachero: Si, si. <Machinegun spanish>

Thomas: …

El Talachero: …points to air conditioner. Thump thump thump thump thump! No more!

Thomas: Ah! Si! Gracias!

Thomas: Hola! Quiermos internet en la habitacion vente dos cincuentra tres, por vavor!

El Conserje: Si! <Machinegun spanish>

Thomas: …

El Conserje: You don’t really speak Spanish, do you sir?

Thomas: …No.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Connor Jordan: Hi Elena! You’re a monster!

Elena Gilbert: I am not! I’m the smartest, prettiest, most talented -

Jeremy Gilbert: Hi Elena!

Elena Gilbert: Facestab!

Connor Jordan: You were saying?

Elena Gilbert: Nevermind.

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Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Connor Jordan: Hi Professor Dumbledore! Thanks for sending me into a pack of werepire murder machines without any kind of hint or warning! Do you know how hard it is to kill one of those things?

Professor Dumbledore: You introduce them in Act One and then wait for the inevitable, three scenes later?

Connor Jordan: They kidnapped me! And tortured me! And took off all my clothes!

Professor Dumbledore: That’s a shame, really. Hey, speaking of nudity, there’s this witch in Mystic Falls that’s central to all of my plots, schemes, and machinations. If you could avoid putting any bullets or knives in her, that would be great!

Connor Jordan: I’m sorry, all I heard you say was “murder murder murder murder tea murder murder.”

Professor Dumbledore: Sigh. I’ll occupy her myself. With my penis bibliography!

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