Thomas Galvin
Purveyor of Fine Pulp Fiction

I root for the bad guy.

– St. Lucy of the Felons Memorial Hospital and Race Track –

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Paul Walker: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Paul Walker: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Paul Walker: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Vroom!

Paul Walker: Vroom!

Vin Diesel: Okay, you win this one, blondie. Now go give your new baby boy, my nephew, a kiss. And remember, once you walk into that nursery, our life as street racing international criminals is over.

Paul Walker: But Vin, our life as street racing international criminals was over last movie, too. Besides, this is Fast and Furious Six: Fuck the Plot, not Well Shit I Have a Kid Now, I Better Start Carpooling.

Vin Diesel: Yeah, I know, I just wanted it to be super emotional when The Rock™ recruits us in a few minutes.

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– Voiceover of Violence – Mega City One –

Judge Dredd: Mega City One. A sprawling concrete jungle stretching from Boston to Washington DC. Outside these walls, a nuclear wasteland bearing silent testament to the fact that playing chicken with the Soviets Iran was a bad idea. Inside, an open sewer of human failure. Ninety-nine percent unemployment. Food riots. Rationed health care. Violence, pornography, and drugs are the only refuge for the hope-starved masses. There is only one solution to this nightmare, only one way to lift the people of this city up from their squalor: shoot them in the face with exploding bullets. I am the man carrying those exploding bullets, and this is my story.

– Traffic Stop of Terror –

Judge Dredd: Control, this is Dredd! I am attempting to perform a routine traffic stop, but the suspects are uncooperative!

Control: Dredd, this is control. Did this traffic stop involve you shouting “I AM THE LAW” and shooting at everyone in the area?

Judge Dredd: Of course, control! I said it was routine!

Control: Dredd, do you require backup? Or perhaps warm milk and a nap?

Judge Dredd: Negative, control. Justice is my milk, and the long years served by jaywalkers and other felons is my nap time. I’ll handle this … my way.

Control: Sigh. All right, Dredd. We’ll dispatch a mop crew to your location.

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– Earth – Roughly Six Thousand Years Ago –

Space Jockey One: Okay, let’s seed some life on this desolate rock. This desolate, lush rock with flowing water and a breathable atmosphere and … what exactly are we doing here again?

Space Jockey Two: Setting up a metaphor, man.

Space Jockey One: Okay, so I drink this chalice full of DNA-scrambling Kool-Aide, and then what happens?

Space Jockey Two: You die in pretty much the most horrific way possible, then your crumbling body falls into the ocean, then the Black Goo of Life transforms your cells into the protoplasm from which all life on Earth arises!

Space Jockey One: Yeah, okay, I’m with you on the “DNA re-sequencing” thing, and the “life on Earth” thing, but I’m still having trouble with the “horrific death” part. Is that really necessary?

Space Jockey Two: Of course it is! The metaphor demands it! You’re giving your life so that others may live! You’re like Space Jesus!

Space Jockey One: Yeah, I see where you’re going with that, it’s just … there’s really no other mention of a Space Jesus in this movie.

Space Jockey Two: Yeah, we had to cut that out. The film was running a little long, and the test screeners complained about being bashed over the head with important religious symbolism.

Space Jockey One: So why do I still have to kill myself?

Space Jockey Two: Metaphor!

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Some Girl: Hi! I have the fashion sense of a blind hobo!

The Gay Guy: You stupid bitch!

The No Really I’m Still A Teenager Woman: You need to (vaguely sexual synonym for flaunt) your (least horrifying characteristic)!

The Hair Stylist: Hey girl! I’m going to give you the same hair cut I give everybody!

The Makeup Lady: Jesus, I have to make *that* attractive? Fuck.

Some Girl: Wow! Now that I no longer dress in the tattered rags left behind by a burn victim, I’m super hot!

Some Girl’s Friends: Hey! Now that Some Girl dresses in an age- and gender- appropriate fashion, who’s going to make us feel better about ourselves?

– Castle Cullen – The Most Important Day Of Her Life – And Bella’s, Too –

Alice Cullen: …

Thomas: SQUEE!

Alice Cullen: …Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, Hi Bella I love you Bella and I love the shoes I bought you Bella and the dress I picked out for you Bella and if my family doesn’t get on board with this whole thing and make the wedding happen in exactly the way I have envisioned it I might snap and murder them all!

Bella Swan: …I don’t know how to walk in high heels.

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– Pre-Production –

The Brother Strause: So every alien invasion movie I’ve ever seen has involved a cop or a soldier or a scientist or someone else how can we make out movie different?

The Other Brother Strause: We could make it revolve around an idiot rap star, his douche bag friend, his knocked-up girlfriend, and that guy from Dexter

The Brother Strause: Brilliant!

– The Marketing Meeting –

The Brothers Strause: So yeah, it’s an alien invasion flick. You know Independence Day? Yeah, it’s nothing like that.

The Guy Who Cuts The Trailer: Independence Day? Got it.

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– A Goddam Lecture Hall –

The Blonde Chick: I used to live in Butthole, Alaska, which, as you know, doesn’t see the sunlight for thirty days at a time. And as you also know, everyone in Butthole was killed last winter, except for me. Now, I know the official story is that a rabid polar bear ate everyone, but I’m here to tell you the real story. It was vampires. The end.

The Audience: Laughs.

The Blonde Chick: Yeah yeah, laugh it up. But I have proof! A couple of vampires always show up to these talks, so I brought some bajillion-watt tanning lamps!

The Vampires in the Audience: She’s bluffing.

The Blonde Chick: Bajillion-watt tanning lamp power activate! Literally!

The Vampires in the Audience: Burn, screech, die.

The Audience: Screams, runs, calls the police.

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– Someplace With Lots of Snow –

George Clooney’s Lover: I love you George Clooney!

George Clooney: I love you to!

George Clooney’s Lover: Say, is that man with a gun trying to kill us?

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

That Man With a Gun: Dies.

George Clooney’s Lover: That was scary!

George Clooney: Yep. Bang!

George Clooney’s Lover: Dies.

George Clooney: Hey, the Swedes found me. Again.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dude, sucks for you. You should go hide out in Italy.

– Italy – Half an Hour Later (Running Time) –

George Clooney: Arrives.

– An Hour Later (Running Time) –

Assassin Chick: I need a gun. With bullets. And a silencer. And a box to carry it in.

George Clooney: No problem! I’ll craft the entire thing by hand, using the spare parts I take from Father Joe’s bastard son’s auto shop!

– Two Hours Later (Running Time) –

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Hi George Clooney! I’m naked!

The Camera: Spends the next two days lingering on her breasts.

– Two Days Later (Running Time) –

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: I’m in love with you, George Clooney!

George Clooney: Me too! But I don’t trust you!

– A Month Later (Running Time) –

George Clooney: Well, I’ve fallen in love with a hooker with a heart of gold, so I think it’s time to retire.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Okay! I’ll send over Assassin Chick to… um… debrief you.

– Seven Years Later (Running Time) –

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! You may not recognize me, because I have slightly darker hair now!

George Clooney: Hi Assassin Chick! Here’s the gun I built for you by hand! Please don’t shoot me with it!

– A Century and a Half Later (Running Time) –

George Clooney: Here, take this giant wad of cash and meet me by the river! I have to go kill the assassin I just armed, and my old boss!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: …?

– Three Millennia Later (Running Time) –

Assassin Chick: Hi George Clooney! Bang!

George Clooney: Ha! I knew you were going to double-cross me, so I rigged the gun to explode in your face!

Assassin Chick: Dies.

The Old Guy on the Phone: Bang!

George Clooney: Bang bang!

The Old Guy on the Phone: Dies.

– A Geological Epoch Later (Running Time) –

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: George Clooney! You’re here! Now we can be together forever!

The Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Sorry, babe. This is a “serious and meditative” movie, which means it has to have a depressing ending. Dies.

— Movie Theaters Across The Nation – Five Months Ago —

The Trailer: Stallone. Statham. Li.

The Audience: Wow.

The Trailer: Lundgren. Couture. Austin.

The Audience: God damn.

The Trailer: Crews. Rourke.

The Audience: Holy shit.

The Trailer: With uncredited cameos by Willis…

The Audience: Jesus effing Christ.

The Trailer: And Schwarzenegger.

The Audience: Mangasm.

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– A Quick Glimpse Behind the Scenes –

Amber: Hey, do you guys want to go see Step Up 3D tonight? We totally know the hair dresser!

Thomas: Let me ask The Girlfriend. Hey, Girlfriend, do you want to go see Step Up 3D tonight?

AJ: Yes… but do you?

Thomas: Sure, I’m game.

Thomas: Is an idiot.

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