Thomas Galvin
Purveyor of Fine Pulp Fiction

Nobody's weak. Everybody's strong. -Justin Pope

For the second time, the Twitter Gods at the CW have deemed me worthy for inclusion in their weekly rehash.

Feel free to shower me with riches and fame!

Black Hole Sun (S06E04)

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

May 10 1994 – Again

Kai: And then I went to Disneyland and peed on all the robots! And then I went to Chuck E Cheese and pooped in the ball pit! And then I went to the White House, and got all the way to the Oval Office, and then I–

Damon Salvatore: If you say one word about a cigar, I will murder you with my eyebrows.

Bonnie Bennett: Damon, no! We need this guy to escape the perpetual hell that is your plaid shirt and my skorteralls!

Damon Salvatore: …You are so lucky that I experienced so much personal growth last season.

May 10 1994 – Again – But Not That One – The Real One – Look, It’s Complicated

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! I’m here to make amends!

Stefan Salvatore: I don’t know … the last time I let you back into my life you tried to murder my best friend, and you did murder like three dozen sorority’s worth of cute young girls!

Damon Salvatore: What if I promised not to do that this time!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay then! Welcome home!

Uncle Zach Salvatore: Hi Damon! I sure hope you don’t murder me!

Highway to Hell

Elena Gilbert: Hi Stefan! Thanks for helping me track down the innocent girl I almost murdered!

Stefan Salvatore: No problem! Except I’m all broody about how Enzo got to kill my girlfriend instead of me, and now I want to go away and sulk!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, that’s crazy! This is your home! I mean, sure, you can’t actually cross into its borders without being murdered to death by a wiccan spell, and yeah, this is the one place on earth where pretty much everybody knows your a vampire and wants to kill you, and okay, this place has tons of terrible, terrible memories that must haunt your every waking and sleeping moment, but it’s also where you took me to my first costume ball!

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry babe, I’m on a real James Dean kick today! No strings, no attachments, nothing but open road and lots of STDs!

Elena Gilbert: That sounds like fun! I wanna come! And if you don’t let me I will stalk you to the ends of the earth, ripping the life from everybody that gives you warmth, comfort, or shelter!

Stefan Salvatore: Well when you put it like that, let’s go!

Elena Gilbert: Yippee!

Stefan Salvatore: But wait! What about the innocent girl you almost murdered!

Elena Gilbert: Don’t worry! We have an Original Vampire, the Sheriff, my brother the ex vampire hunter, and Matt, who is the captain of the local vigilante force, all out looking for her innocent little head!

Stefan Salvatore: This was a great town!

Hospital of Horrors


Alaric Saltzman (on the phone): Hi Matt! I’m babysitting Jeremy, who tried to kill himself with the Salvatore’s liquor cabinet last night!

Matt Donovan (on the phone): Hi Alaric! I’m going into the lair of the latest bad guy who would be the good guy on literally any other show!

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrista: I guys! What can I go for you?


Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrista: Right, one STD panel, coming up.

Tripp Fell’s Vigilante Venue

Tripp Fell (on the phone): Hi Karen! Sorry you kid was mauled to death by pumas last night!

Matt Donovan: Pumas. Yes. Pumas. That is what happened. Totally pumas.

May 10 1994 – Again

Kai: Okay Damon, here’s what we’re gonna do! You’re gonna tell me about the worst atrocity you ever committed, and I’m gonna lay here on the couch playing with my slap bracelet!

Damon Salvatore: You do realize I’ve had almost two hundred years to learn the intimate details of pain, suffering, and woe, right?

Bonnie Bennett: Damon, no! If you just torture the information out of him, we’ll miss crucial exposition!

Damon Salvatore: Fine. Once upon a time …

May 10 1994 – Again – But Not That One – The Real One

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Want some bunny blood?

Damon Salvatore: Yeah, no, I think I’m gonna go murder that pregnant lady a ton.

May 10 1994 – Again

Kai: Wow, you murdered a pregnant lady!

Bonnie Bennett: I can’t believe you murdered a pregnant lady!

Damon Salvatore: I didn’t just murder a pregnant lady … for example, I’m gonna murder the ever loving shit out of you if I’m not home in time for The Flash.

Greaser Joe’s Grim Garage

Elena Gilbert: Okay Stefan! Show me how you start a brand new life!

Stefan Salvatore: Okay, first let’s talk about 401(k)s. A 401(k) is a lot like an IRA, except your employer can match–

Elena Gilbert: Um, I thought “starting over” was a euphemism for lots of drinking, sex, and violence.

Stefan Salvatore: … your employer can match the funds you add in, which means your principle grows at twice the normal rate. That’s important because …

Hospital of Horrors

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrista: Hi Alaric! Your quasi-adopted kid is going to be fine! And I’d like to provide you with another one!

Alaric Saltzman: Yeah, sorry, I’m going to stare at that kid with the bloody nose with something bordering on homoerotic tension.

Dr. Prof. Jo, MD, PHD, Starbucks Barrista: Alaric Saltzman! I cannot believe that the sight of spurting blood could distract you from my wit, charm, and bangs! Good day sir!

Bar Room of Bawling

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, I’m really worried that the innocent girl I almost killed to death is going to do something inconvenient to me!

Stefan Salvatore: The great thing about being immortal is that even if that innocent girl is rude enough to try and stop you from murdering again, we’ll totally outlive her! All we have to do is skip town, change our names, invent new lives, and wait for the unrelenting claws of time to rip the vitality from her dusty corpse!

Elena Gilbert: That sounds like fun!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey, I’ve got a game we could play! Why don’t you pretend to be Elena Williams, and I’ll pretend to be Stefan Cooper, and we’ll pretend to be in love!

Elena Gilbert: And I’ll pretend to be pregnant! Except I won’t stop drinking!

Stefan Salvatore: And I’ll pretend I don’t see you doing sex to my brother ever time I close my eyes!

Elena Gilbert: And I’ll pretend I didn’t see the way my best friend was making googley eyes at you!

Stefan Salvatore: Yay! She said yes!

May 10 1994 – Again – But Not That One – The Real One

Beauty Queen Forbes: Hi Damon! This is my daughter Caroline! She’s three!

Damon Salvatore: I am totally going to murder her in a few years!

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Gail! I can’t help but notice that you have tiny little fang marks on your wrist!

Gail: I know! Someone really needs to do something about the rabid beaver problem in Mystic Falls!

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Damon!

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Can I interest you in–

Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire protecting the people I love by breaking your neck powers activate!

May 10 1994 – Again

Kai: Okay Bonnie, we need a Plot Device to escape from the Day That Never Ends, so let’s get that tracking spell going!

Bonnie Bennett: This tracking spell is like a rocket, and the Plot Device is in your pocket!

Damon Salvatore: Does he need both of his arms to get us home? Because I really think I should rip off at least one of them.

Kai: Hey, in an interesting development, I am now ready to show you guys how to escape this unending hell!

May 10 1994 – Again – But Not That One – The Real One

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! I have broken your neck and taking your Magic Ring on Not Exploding in the Sunlight, and I plan to keep you prisoner until you promise to be a good boy!

Damon Salvatore: Alternately, we could go on a road trip, you could stop eating bunnies, and we could act like vampires instead of pansies!

Stefan Salvatore: Or, I could lock you in this woodshed for the next seventy years!

Damon Salvatore: You do know there’s a back door, right? And that I can get out of here as soon as the sun goes down? And that I’m going to murder literally everyone inside the Castle as soon as I do?

Stefan Salvatore: What? I didn’t hear that? Did you say something important?

Bar Room of Brawling

Stefan Salvatore: And then I was an ambulance driver! And then I was a janitor! And then I was a mechanic!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan, it’s almost like you’re choosing the most terrible circumstances for yourself, in some kind of lame form of self-flagellation!

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, no, I’m not going to flagellate myself for another couple of scenes.

May 10 1994 – Again

Bonnie Bennett: Hey Damon! Look at what I happened to stumble across! This newspaper article says that Kai murdered his whole family a ton!

Damon Salvatore: We should probably be super judgey about his crimes!

Bonnie Bennett: That’s what I was thinking!

Kai: I’m standing right here you know. I can hear everything you’re saying.

Damon Salvatore: Eyebrow glare.

Forest of Fear

Alaric Saltzman: Hi Jeremy! I’m going to help you overcome your alcohol dependency with violence!

Jeremy Gilbert: I drink because I hurt!

Alaric Saltzman: Yeah, Alaric? My wife left me for my best friend, who killed her and turned her into a vampire and killed her again. Then your aunt died. Then my next girlfriend left. Then I got turned into a vampire. Then I got killed. Then I came back. And now I can’t even get into that cute doctor’s scrubs because she smells like blood all the time and I really, really want to rip her throat out with me teeth.

Jeremy Gilbert: Oh yeah? Well I was a stoner who got turned into a straight-A student by a guy who only did it so he could bang my sister! And my parents, who were apparently vampire-hunting medical professionals, died in a river! The same river my sister died in, but it’s okay, she had vampire blood in her system. So instead of losing her, I just want to muder her a ton, because I got turned int a vampire hunter by some strange combination of magic and plot reaons! And my girlfriend, who was a witch but then died but then came back, was the link to the *~*The Other Side*~*, and that’s why you’re still alive, but she’s dead, and she broke up with me over voicemail. And I didn’t even check my messages for three days! Because who the hell leaves voicemail anymore? Text me, or snapchat, or leave me a Vine, or something, but Jesus, a fucking voicemail?

Alaric Saltzman: So … beer?

Bar Room of Brawling

Elena Gilbert: Okay Stefan, this was fun, but I’m going to go back to ruining the lives of everybody around me!

Stefan Salvatore: Awesome! And I’m gonna go let that guy at the bar beat me up as punishment for my sins!

Meathead Marv: Punch kick smash break pommel throttle stomp!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s the spirit!

Elena Gilbert: Stefan! This is the most messed up thing you’ve done in days!

May 10 1994 – Again

Bonnie Bennett: Okay, there’s no way I’m letting Kai out of his prison.

Damon Salvatore: Bonnie, be reasonable! It’s not like you haven’t helped serial killers before! I mean, your best friend is responsible for the deaths of like two dozen people! And your other best friend ate half the Sheriffs in Mystic Falls! And my brother is the most famed serial killer in America today, leaving a bloody trail from sorority house to sorority house! And I killed my Uncle Zach’s pregnant girlfriend, and everyone staying at the boarding house, and some random passers-by, and the milk man, and the mail man, and the maid, and a bunch of kittens!

Bonnie Bennett:

Damon Salvatore: Maybe I should have kept that last part to myself.

Highway to Hell

Matt Donovan: Hi Tripp! Have you ever thought that maybe all these puma attacks were caused by vampires?

Tripp Fell: Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter!

Bar Room of Bawling

Elena Gilbert: Stefan Salvatore! You can’t walk through the world letting meatheads beat you up! You need to develop a coping mechanism!

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, kind of like you had Alaric compel you to forget that you loved Damon with all of your heart and all of your vajayjay and how he was your sweetie and your besties and the sun in your morning sky?

Elena Gilbert: … you’re so silly!

Tripp Fell’s Pit of Despair

Matt Donovan: Hey Tripp, I can’t help but think that it looks like you’re dragging me out into the woods to molest and then kill me!

Tripp Fell: What? No! I brought you here to watch me molest and murder Enzo! Right after her sells out Stefan and Elena and Damon and Caroline and Alaric and basically everyone on this show, because they’re the good guys lol!

Castle Salvatore

Sarah: Hi Jeremy! Funny story, but I think the people who own this house murdered my mother a ton!

Saltzman’s School of Witchcraft and Whatthefuckery

Elena Gilbert: Alaric Saltzman, I am super angry at you for going along with my terrible plan!

Alaric Saltzman: Yeah, here, read this:

Elena Gilbert (in her journal): Dear me, Hi Elena! It’s your diary! Don’t be angry at Alaric for going along with your terrible plan! Everyone always goes along with your terrible plans! But it’s cool! Alaric can restore your love for Damon just as soon as he gets back from May 10, 1994 … I hope he hasn’t fallen in love with Bonnie or anything crazy like that lol! – xoxo me

May 10 1994 – Again

Bonnie Bennett: Damon, I have come to a conclusion! That pregnant lady you killed loved pancakes! And you make pancacke every day! And I think that’s your way of showing remorse! And I think that means I’m in love with you! And also we need to escape this living hell, trap Kai, and live our our passion and torrid lust together!

Kai: Hey guys! That’s a cool idea and all, but I think this would be a good time to let you know that I can steal people’s magic! And light things on fire with my brain! And if I kill Bonnie and steal her power I’ll be able to free myself from this prison! And that’s probably what I should do because I’m a psychotic murderer who values nothing except what I want, and I really really like murdering, but I think this time I’m going to let you both live, trust you to do what I want, and inevitably get killed by you as soon as we escape the Day that Never Ends!

Damon Salvatore: That’s a great plan! You should go with that!

Greaser Joe’s Grim Garage

Ivy: Hi Stefan! I’m a vampire!

The Plot: Thickens.

Post Mortem

One of my favorite things about this show is the completely skewed moral compass.

Elena is a murderer, several times over. Damon is a killer par excellance, a monster so vicious that his crimes can only be matched by his brother Stefan, who is like five of the most prolific serial killers in American history. Caroline is a murderer. The Sheriff is on their side.

And the bad guys? Right now the Big Bad’s “crime” is kidnapping the vampire who murdered his wife right in front of his eyes, so he can bring him to justice and ferret out his murdering friends.

It’s insane, and it’s fantastic.

There is one problem, though: when it comes time to show that someone is really terrible, it’s almost impossible.

Kai murdered his family. And that’s bad. They were kids, and that makes it justifiable worse. But is he really worse than Damon? Or Stefan? And in this episode we learned about Damon’s Worst Day. He killed a pregnant lady, who was loved by a distant relative. Is that really the worst he’s ever done? Is it the worst thing anybody on this show has ever done?

This show makes us root for the bad guys, but that paints them into a corner when it’s time to make us dislike someone because of the bad things they do. We’re so conditioned to cheering for mass murder and wanton slaughter that these atrocities fall just a little flat.

I do like the idea that Stefan wanders America letting drunk rednecks beat him up. That’s the kind of unhealthy coping mechanism a guy like him would develop. I also like the interplay between him and Elena. Stefan really wants her to be miserable with him, doesn’t he?

Another solid episode, and I’m excited to see how Ivy is inevitably murdered, again.

Welcome to Paradise (S06E03)

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

Greaser Joe’s Grim Garage

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Greaser Joe! I need a few days off, and someone to take my recently-murdered girlfriend into the woods, bury her body, and leave his fingerprints all over the crime scene!

Greaser Joe: Yeah, no, that doesn’t sound like something I want to do at all!

Stefan Salvatore: ~~~look into my eyes~~~

Greaser Joe: On second thought, Holy fucking shit did you just admit to murder for no good reason?!?

Stefan Salvatore: Of course not! I have a very good reason. That reason is exposition for everyone who missed last week’s episode. Also, I’m kind of lonely and you’re the only person I have to talk to.

Continue reading »

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…

May 10 1994

Damon Salvatore: Oh no! I’m trapped in an empty hell dimension, forced to live out eternity with no company except my own dark thoughts!

Bonnie Bennett: But Damon, I’m here!

Damon Salvatore: You’re right! It’s even worse that I imagined!

Continue reading »

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

I, uh … huh. Hmm. Let’s see. Elena and Caroline went to college, and so did Ghost Bonnie? And Elena’s roommate got murdered super quick, because being anywhere around Elena is terribly dangerous? And I guess the college was run by Elena’s adoptive daddy’s bad-guy buddies, and they went around torturing vampires and stuff? And Damon got turned into a bigger monster, but then he got better? And he also found his long-lost best friend, who then killed himself by getting fisted by Stefan? And Katherine was aweseome went to Hell? And then there were a bunch of Gypsies Travelers who did a whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing and took over Mystic Falls? And then they used Elena’s and Stefan’s blood to make magic not a thing anymore? And then everyone died? Except Blondie the Albino Witch did a spell, and Bonnie brought them all back? Except Damon, because he was super tired of this shit? I guess?

Whatever. Alaric is back, so your argument is irrelevant.

Camp Ground of Chaos

Cute Young Guy: Hey there cute young girl, can I interest you in some underage alcohol, followed by some illicit sex!

Cute Young Girl: You sure can! But first we should totally go check out that strange noise!

Cute Young Guy: That sounds like a totally reasonable and not at all dangerous plan!

Cute Young Girl: I sure hope it isn’t a vampire or something! Tee hee!

Sheriff Forbes: Nope! It’s just me, the friendly neighborhood murder hider!

Cute Young Guy: Awesome! I thought we were in real trouble!

The Shadowy Form of a Fanged Former Cheerleader: Rawr!

Sheriff Forbes: Oh well, you guys are on your own! Tee hee!

Continue reading »

I love how often this show starts with all of the main characters talking about how much smarter Katherine is than any of them. They hate her, and they hate themselves for never being able to beat her.

There was a lot to like about this episode. It’s nice to see the fangs making a comeback on this show (and The Originals). For too long, this show has forgotten the first word in its title. Tyler is adorable when he pretends to be good at things. The moment he walked into that cell, it was only a matter of time before Damon kicked his ass. Jeremy is on the fast train to Threewayville. And it’s cool that Bonnie is still a repository of magical knowledge, even if she can’t use it.

I love what’s happening with Damon. He’s always been a few steps over the crazy line, and his infection has pushed him ever further into badass, chaotic territory. He could have just ripped the good Doctor’s heart out, but no, that wasn’t quite enough. Damon has a long memory and an overdeveloped sense of poetry.

It’s cool to see Katherine occasionally, genuinely rocked by emotions she can’t handle. She does generally care about some people. She loved Stefan, in her own twisted way, and she genuinely felt the loss of her daughter. I wouldn’t say that it redeems her, but it does humanize her.

And that was her downfall. She’s survived for five hundred years by shutting off her humanity and doing whatever she needed to do. The moment she walked back from that, the moment she let her compassion for someone else trump her sense of self preservation, it was all over. The Gilbert Gang defeated her by making her like them.

Katherine walked into Castle Salvatore like the boss she is, and she went out the way she always had to: confronted with how terrible she’s been for the past five hundred years. No sympathy, no support. She doesn’t need that. She’s Katherine Pierce. She just reminded them that she was the best, worst thing that ever happened to them, and then …

And then Stefan reminded us why he, more than anyone else on this show, is not to be fucked with. Because when you take away the hero hair and the honor and the self control, when you take away his mask, Stefan is the Ripper. There’s already a bucket of blood on his hands, and yours won’t trouble him at all.

But Katherine got the last laugh. Even when she loses, she wins. It might be a pyrrhic victory, she may not have won, but she prevented her enemies from winning. Always bet on Kat.

It was fantastic storytelling, a perfect set of character moments. It would have been a fitting end to the legend of Katherine Pierce.

But Katherine’s story? It isn’t over yet.

All hail the queen.

Katherine has long been the best character on this show, and it’s fantastic to watch her steal Elena’s life.

She’s one of the few characters who isn’t critically blind to the weak spots in her plans. Matt is a former Traveler-host, and knows about body jumping? Bang, he’s compelled. Elena is fighting for control of her own body? Boom, Kat imported an actually competent witch to shut that whole thing down.

Watching Katherine destroy Damon was beautiful. It’s no secret that I love Damon, but as I’ve said time and time again, drama comes from making the characters you love miserable. And that was proven true when Damon left the party and went right back to his old, murderous ways. This is the Damon I want to watch, the fun-loving bastard who’ll kill you as soon as talk to you. He’s been neutered for at least a season now, and its great to see him back in form.

To all those who’ve asked, no, Bonnie hasn’t mentioned that Katherine didn’t pass through her, but I am 100% certain that she will bust out that information at a plot-appropriate time. Another thing to note; Elena hasn’t passed through Bonnie yet, either, so she’s still in play. Sadly.

Because Elena really is too dumb to live. Huh, I just woke up in the Magic Tomb of Not Leaving, staring at Katherine’s corpse, while her daughter looks on and a Traveler mutters Romanian death curses over me? Well, they’re probably not trying to steal my body from me, so I’d better let them all live!

Seriously, Elena has killed plenty of times in the past, and she knows how dangerous Katherine and Nadia are. There is absolutely no reason for her not to off everyone in that room and then burn Kat’s body. Except for the fact that that would be the end of the best character on the show.

I’m curious to see if and how Katherine let’s Stefan know that it’s really her in Elena’s body … and if Stefan will fight to keep Katherine around rather than Elena. Katherine is his One True Love. Even fate wants them together. It’d be a shame to pass up that opportunity.
It was also fun to watch Katherine wreck the S.S. Cyler. Okay, sure, Klaus murdered Tyler’s mother, but Tyler seems to have forgotten that time he let Oliver Queen lock her in a cage and torture her.

That’s the thing about this show: there is absolutely no room for anyone to take the moral high ground, because all of them have done terrible things. And that’s part of why I love this show.

I said god damn.

That felt like a mid-season finale, not the first episode off of a hiatus. It was without question the best episode of the season, and for one single reason:

Katherine Fucking Pierce, ladies and gentlemen.

The latest TVD drinking game, “take a shot when Katherine Pierce was awesome,” is a microcosm of what makes this show awesome. On the one hand, we have a vulnerable girl being comforted by her rejected and reconciled lover, and in the living room … everyone is talking shit about her.

“Katherine pretended to be stuck in a tomb!” “Katherine murdered my sister!” “Katherine murdered me! But I Guess it kind of worked out.” And you know what? They’re right. Katherine is a terrible person. She’s a bitch, a backstabber, a schemer, and a murderer.

And that’s why we love her.

Let me tell you a little secret, friends. TVD isn’t about heros. It’s about bad guys that makes us love them anyway.

Damon is the first person to admit that he’s evil. He’s a goddamn serial killer! And his sometimes girlfriend jokes about it! And Saint Stefan, he of the Hero Hair and Martyr Misery? He’s killed so many people other vampires think he’s off the rails!

The vampire legends have always been about forbidden desires and shameful indulgences, and that’s what TVD gives us. But unlike a lot of past vampire tales, TVD doesn’t stop with dirty, dirty sex.

Anyone who’s ever stood in line behind someone that can’t figure out how to work the goddamn self-checkout has wanted to snap a neck or two. Who hasn’t wanted to tell their boss, or the cops, or anyone in authority, to fuck off? Who wouldn’t want a pair of hot [insert your preferred gender here] fighting over you?

TVD lets us indulge all of those fantasies. Our “heros” can skip class, do all of the sex, and murder their way through college, and they never face any consequences.

Damon used to be the epitome of this self-indulgent fantasy, but that crown now firmly belongs to Katherine Pierce. This episode was a celebration of that fact, and it was entirely appropriate for the rest of the cast to reminisce over how she’s done that wrong.

And it was entirely appropriate for Katherine to once again fuck over Elena Gilbert.

This is what TVD was meant to be. Who cares if Klaus should have been in New Orleans and Stefan should have broken every Traveler neck in the old Witch House. It didn’t make sense, but it was fun.

The Mikaelsons are some of the best characters to come out of The Vampire Diaries.

Klaus is a formidable, virtually undefeatable villain, scheming and crafty, charismatic and chaotic. He can go from loveable rogue to bloody psychopath in the blink of an eye. Elijah is noble and tortured, reserved but powerful. And he looks damn good in a suit. Rebekah, well, she finally banged Matt.

The Originals are fantastic characters, so it’s kind of disappointing that their own series is kind of lackluster. I had fully intended to recap the series, but when I sat down to watch it, I just couldn’t find that spark that carried me through the first four seasons of TVD.

I’ve spent some time pondering this, and here are the things I think The Originals needs to improve:

Klaus has absolutely no valid threats

This is the big one. Klaus is the series’ main character, and in any drama, you have to put the main character through hell. You have to throw threat after threat at them, complication after setback, until they’re at their wit’s end, until everything seems lost… and then, when the hero pulls out a victory despite all the odds, the viewer celebrates.

You can’t do that with Klaus, because he is literally immortal, and pretty close to the most powerful creature in his universe. Look at some of the “threats” he’s faced this season:

Marcel is supposed to be the main antagonist, but he’s Klaus’ scion (or whatever term TVD uses). He would be weaker than Klaus even if Klaus was a normal vampire. Katherine, before she was defanged, was always able to toss around the Salvatore brothers, because she was that much older. Klaus has somewhere around eight hundred years on Marcel. It’s no contest.

And his minions fare no better. “No Originals at this party” Marcel ordered, and when the Originals decided to crash, Marcel and his followers… looked the other way, because there is no way for them to enforce Marcel’s ban. And when Marcel’s minions tried to gang bang Klaus into submission, well, that was just more cannon fodder from the Klaus meat grinder. It was a fantastic scene … or it would have been, if there had been any kind of doubt as to the outcome.

Tyler. The original Hybrid Henchman came to New Orleans, and the commercials touted the epic battle that would break out in the bayou. But when Klaus and Tyler actually went at it, Klaus whipped his ass handily. It was even more unbalanced that Klaus v. Marcel. The only reason Tyler is still alive is that Klaus wants to play around with him. Klaus doesn’t see Tyler as a threat, he sees him as a toy. And he’s absolutely right.

The Witches. The group with the most potential to harm Klaus. Marcel directed Davina to figure out a way to kill an Original, which had the potential for dramatic conflict, but that storyline seems to have been dropped. And aside from Davina, the rest of the witches are either powerless or brainless. And they’ll all be powerless in a few episodes, unless someone ganks Davina and satisfies whatever blood god or angry ancestor grants them their magic. Klaus has nothing to worry about.

The Humans

LOLOLOLOL. It took Klaus roughly ten seconds to murder the fuck out of everyone that thought they had the right to an opinion. Klaus built New Orleans, Mister Mayor. Sit your ass down and shut up.

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- Mystic Falls – Gathering of Honestly We Just Needed a Crowd To Die -

Bonnie Bennett: Dead diary: today I learned that being a non-corporeal spirit isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, especially when you’re watching your father get murdered.

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: I’d totally give you a hg right now, but you know, non-corporeal spirit and all.

- The Lost Woods -

Katherine Pierce: Wow, running through the woods wearing nothing but a slinky bathrobe is way less fun now that I can actually get hurt and run out of breath.

Tessa Tattle Tale: Hi Katherine! I’m gonna give you to Silas! Pepper spray!

Katherine Pierce: Hi Tessa! I’m going to pound your head into the asphalt! Asphalt!

Matt Donovan: Hi Katherine! I have a shotgun and a death wish! Make my day!

Continue reading »