The room is dark, quiet. Agains one wall, a computer sits on an old desk, the glow of the monitor casting a soft light around the room. A frazzled, harried man sits down at the keyboard, and wipes his hand across his face. He cracks his knuckles, then stretches his hands over keys.
But the words just won’t come. In the past week, he’s been retweeted by a producer, interviewed by a podcasting team, and followed by any number of people. Traffic to his blog is breaking his own (meager) records. For much of his audience, this will be the last thing they read before the show they all love returns in September. Their last memory. Their parting words.
The pressure is on. Fortunately, though, the man has a secret weapon, a tool that sparks creativity and calms to nerves.
Alcohol. Delicious, delicious alcohol.
Team Damon: OMG SQUEE Damon did the voiceover for “previously on The Vampire Diaries” this week!
Thomas: Oh boy. This is going to be rough.
Stefan Salvatore: Garbs himself in his fanciest finery, and looks every bit the Southern Gentleman.
Katherine Pierce Elena Gilbert: Garbs herself in a corset and a bustle and all manner of other lady-things that Thomas isn’t going to bother to Bing.
Elena Gilbert: Corsets suck. Sadface.
Aunt Jenna: I told you not to eat that celery stick.
Mystic Falls: Is the only town in the country that still cares about the families that founded it.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Stefan! Happy Founder’s Day! I just dropped by to get some cotton candy. And steal Elena from you!
Team Damon: WHOO!
Stefan Salvatore: Brood. Glower. Brood.
Damon Salvatore: Hey, don’t be so glum, chum! Though I guess it’s understandable, what with me being the hotter, better, superior choice.
Team Damon: You tell ‘im!
Stefan Salvatore: Glower. Brood. Glower.
Team Damon: But don’t worry… Elena isn’t Katherine!
Elena Gilbert: Hey guys! It’s crazy how much I look like Katherine, isn’t it? Tee hee! Curtsy.
Jeremy Gilbert: Hey Anna! Is there any way I can spin this so I’m sympathetic enough to you that you’ll sleep with me, and sympathetic enough to Uncle John Gilbert that you won’t fang him?
Anna: …No. But I did bring you a vial of my blood. Happy suiciding!
Elena Gilbert: Uncle John Gilbert is Daddy John Gilbert? Nose wrinkle.
Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, babe. But I wanted to tell you before Damon cock-blocked me.
Elena Gilbert: My life is so hard! Pout!
Tyler Lockwood: Hey Matt! Still pissed off I made out with your mom, then kicked your ass?
Matt Donovan: Eat me.
Tyler Lockwood: I’ll take that as a “yes.”
Elena Gilbert: Hey Jeremy! Still pissed off I aided and abetted the guys that killed your girlfriend, then had Damon mind-whammy you?
Jeremy Gilbert: Eat me.
Elena Gilbert: I’ll take that as a “yes.”
The Audience: Checks out.
Elena Gilbert: Hi Bonnie! Princess wave.
Damon Salvatore: Slides into frame. Hi Elena!
The Audience: Checks right back in.
Elena Gilbert: Eye roll.
Bonnie Bennet: Pukeface.
Damon Salvatore: Bonnie, wait! I just wanted to say thank you for using your mind rays to destroy the Plot Device so that Uncle John Gilbert can’t kill me! I like being alive! Sort of! I owe you!
Bonnie Bennet: Guiltyface.
Uncle John Gilbert: So, the Plot Device gives off a super-sonic, vampire-felling noise, driving the vampires to their knees. Then the
cannon fodder Sheriff’s Deputies rush in and die inject them with vervain, and then, once the danger’s over, I rush in and stake-stake-stake my way into Aunt Jenna’s pants. Clear?
Anna: Hi guys! I may or may not be a snitch!
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena! I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re hotter dressed in modern clothes. I mean, only a total loser would hang around you just because you look like some chick from 1864. Oh, wait, why does Stefan like you again…?
Elena Gilbert: Okay Damon I love Stefan and he’s worried that I might fall for you so you need to stop being all flirty and hot and you really need to stop doing that eye thing okay?
Damon Salvatore: What eye thing? Does the eye thing.
Team Damon: Swoon.
Damon Salvatore: Oh, that eye thing. Tee hee!
Elena Gilbert: Hi Jeremy! I’m a total bitch! How can I make that up to you?
Jeremy Gilbert: You can go to hell, Elena.
Elena Gilbert: Okay… Bing says that it’s like eleven hours away but that’s all right because Stefan has a car but wait it’s old and really slow and it might break down so maybe we should take Damon’s car that got us all the way to Georgia with no problem and I bet Stefan won’t mind! Tee hee!
Damon Salvatore: Let’s see… I like Elena, Elena wants Jeremy to like her again… I know! I’ll beat up Jeremy until he stops being such an emo little bitch! Violence solves everything!
Stefan Salvatore: …Or we could try explaining ourselves rationally and patiently.
Damon Salvatore: ..Douche.
Sheriff Forbes: I think your plan to use the whole town as bait sucks!
Uncle John Gilbert: I understand your concerns, but before you say “no,” I’d like you to consider: donkey punch!
Anna: So… the tombpires are kinda sorta planning to murder everyone until they’re dead. But Uncle John Gilbert’s Plot Device can stop them! We should go hide where it’s safe!
Damon Salvatore: The Plot Device doesn’t work. The witch that hates me and you and everyone else made sure of it. Which means: super vampire being a hero to impress Elena and get into her pants powers activate!
Team Damon: That’s it, Katerina Graham is toast.
Katerina Graham: Wait, wait, you’re confusing me, Katerina Graham, the actor, with Bonnie Bennet, the character I play!
Team Damon: Hiss!
Katherine Graham: O_o Backs away slowly.
Sonny the Unnamed Vampire Leader: Let’s kill us some humans! And remember: only one main character!
Mayor Lockwood: Hey Tyler! I don’t want to cause a panic, but you and your friends need to take my car and get the hell out of here as fast as you can!
Caroline Forbes: OMG TERRORISTS! Panic!
Anna: Hi Jeremy! I need you to come into the ladies’ room so we can…
Jeremy Gilbert: ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease
Jeremy Gilbert: Goddammit!
Mayor Lockwood: Mystic Falls is the kind of town everyone wants to call home. That’s why we have a population of 147!
Sonny the Unnamed Vampire Leader: Angryface!
Mayor Lockwood: Anyway! Significant look, chin nod.
Sheriff’s Deputy: Radio mutter.
Uncle John Gilbert: Plot Device powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: This is less than ideal!
Stefan Salvatore: And totally unforeseen!
Thomas: “Unfoeseen” has a lot of ‘e’s in it!
Sheriff’s Deputies: Anti-vampire pot needle powers activate!
Damon Salvatore: Gets taken!
Mayor Lockwood: Gets taken! (Opps!)
Anna: Gets taken!
Stefan Salvatore: Gets
taken rescued by Alaric!
Tyler Lockwood: Ow, my head! It’s like my eardrums are being pierced by a wolf whistle or something! I better crash my car!
Caroline Forbes: I’ll help!
Uncle John Gilbert: Don’t mind me, just pouring some gas on your soon to be less animated corpses! Oh, hi Anna! Stake!
Team Anna: Rage!
Uncle John Gilbert: Lights the building on fire.
Damon Salvatore: Being a hero sucks.
Mayor Lockwood: So, whatcha in for?
Damon Salvatore: Vampire. You?
Mayor Lockwood: Werewolf.
Damon Salvatore: Okay then.
EMT: Pulse steady, pressure good, eyes lupine… looks like he’s going to be okay.
Caroline Forbes: I’m not! Falls.
Stefan Salvatore: Super vampire wildly inconsistent powers of hearing a burning building from three blocks away so I can hopefully rescue my brother in time so Team Damon doesn’t murder me in my sleep powers activate!
Uncle John Gilbert: Hi Elena! Arm grab!
Elena Gilbert: Please let me go so I can help my boyfriend help my
other boyfriend good friend just friends nothing to see here please move along!
Uncle John Gilbert: I’m thinking… no.
Elena Gilbert: Please… daddy?
Uncle John Gilbert: …goddammit.
Bonnie Bennet: I’m a witch! I can stop fires with my brain!
Stefan Salvatore: That’s convenient! Rushes into the burning building.
Stefan Salvatore and Damon Salvatore: Super vampire escaping because we can run really really fast powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: I love you Stefan!
Stefan Salvatore: But… Damon is so hot and he’s a bad boy and I know how you girls love your bad boys and he does that thing with his eyes and…
Elena Gilbert: Not helping!
Jeremy Gilbert: Emo! Woe! Pain!
Damon Salvatore: Hey Jeremy! Anna’s dead! Also, I’m… what’s that word? Has to do with guilt? Sorry! I’m sorry about what I did to Vicki. It was… something about moral culpability, starts with a ‘w’… wrong! I was wrong. Man, being a good guy sucks.
Jeremy Gilbert: Is it true that vampires can shut off the emo and the woe and the pain?
Damon Salvatore: Sure is! Don’t go doing anything dumb now!
Sheriff Forbes: Hey guys! Caroline’s in surgery. Sure hope she doesn’t die like your father did!
Tyler Lockwood: Wait, what?
Jeremy Gilbert: Let’s see… vial of blood, full bottle of narcotics… time to get this party started! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!
Bonnie Bennet: Hi Stefan! I’m a witch! I can kill Damon with my brain! And you, too, if I need to! Better behave! </santa>
Stefan Salvatore: If I was the cool vampire brother, I’d totally be snapping your neck right now.
Bonnie Bennet: What was that?
Stefan Salvatore: Nothing! Nervous laugh.
Damon Salvatore: Hey Elena! Just dropped by to try and do the right thing. And by “right thing,” I totally don’t mean “turn your brother into a vampire!” Anyway, I’ve got this whole good guy thing going on now, and I kind of blame you for it. On the other hand, I’m not dead because you convinced Bonnie “I’m a Witch” Bennet to mind ray the flames away, so… cheek kiss!
Team Damon: Squee!
Damon Salvatore: Oh, and by the way, mouth kiss!
Elena Gilbert: I support this idea! Smootch!
Team Damon: [note: Mere HTML is insufficient to convey the outpouring of squee at this turn of events -Thomas]
Aunt Jenna: Hi guys! I’m judgmental!
Uncle John Gilbert: Elena, I loved your mother, and I’m sorry about being such a raging douche.
Elena Gilbert Katherine Pierce: I accept your apology. Also: Super vampire cutting off your Ring of Not Dying (and all of your fingers) then stabbing you to death powers activate!
Elena Gilbert: Hi guys! I’m home!
The Screen: Goes black.
The Vampire Diaries – Season One: Is over.
Season Two: Isn’t on until September.
The Fans: Nooooooo!</vader>