Thomas Galvin
Purveyor of Fine Pulp Fiction

Triquetra
Remember: if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget. -Welcome to Night Vale

Before we begin, I’d like to mention that my latest Vampires of St. Troy novel, Scion is now available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Smashwords, with Apple iBooks and paperback versions coming soon. You can read the first chapter here. A huge thank-you to everyone who’s already bought it, and if you liked it, please leave a review on Amazon for me.

And now that we’ve gotten the shameless self-whoring out of the way …

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– Mystic Falls High – Ghosts of Graduations Past –

Kol: Hey, anybody else realize that the so-called “heroes” of this show kind of do terrible things on a regular basis and risk ending the world all so they can get laid? Just me? Okay then. But we can still gang up to kill them, right?

– Castle Salvatore – We Could Barely Afford the Song, Let Alone a Cameo –

Damon Salvatore: Hi Stefan! Ready to graduate for the seventeenth time?

Stefan Salvatore: You bet! Right after I get done hanging out with my best friend slash sober sponsor Lexi … you know, the one you murdered in cold blood?

Damon Salvatore: So I guess it’s up to me to stop the world from ending?

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Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– Castle Salvatore – Attic of Action –

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, if you want to get through your hategrief, you have to focus on one single thing!

Elena Gilbert: I tried, Stefan! I tried focusing on smashing these concrete blocks, I focused on smashing those wooden boards, I focused on doing pullups, and I even focused on the awesome CW soundtrack! But the only thing I can get happy about is my idiotic quest to murder a vampire five hundred years my senior!

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, so when I said “focus on one single thing,” I was kinda talking about Little Stefan.

Elena Gilbert: …I’m gonna go take a shower.

Stefan Salvatore: Need help? :-)=

Elena Gilbert: No.

Stefan Salvatore: :-(=

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Previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– Mystic Falls High –

Caroline Forbes: Hi Elena! I’m valedictorian!

Matt Donovan: And I got a full ride college scholarship!

Bonnie Bennett: And I have an actual, interesting plot line!

Elena Gilbert: Huh. Back at school. Yep, the Salvatores have finally resorted to torture.

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– Castle Salvatore Damon’s Elena’s Detox Dungeon-

Damon Salvatore: Man! I can’t believe it’s been five whole hours and Elena still isn’t doing exactly what we want!

Stefan Salvatore: This sucks! It’s almost like the world doesn’t revolve around us anymore!

Katherine Pierce: Hi guys! Since Nina Dobrev is currently playing a desiccating corpse, I figured I’d drop by and wreak vastly entertaining havoc!

Stefan Salvatore: That’s great Katherine!

Damon Salvatore: Except we aren’t in this episode!

Katherine Pierce: :-(=

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– Mystic Falls – Population – Matt –

Bonnie Bennett: Okay, thanks for filling me in on all of the past week’s wacky shenanigans, Stefan! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run an errand in the most popular spot in town!

Stefan Salvatore: The Grill? The High School? My living room? We don’t really have a whole lot of other sets.

Bonnie Bennett: No, silly! The cemetery!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Hi Bonnie! I’m dead, but it’s all right! You can make all of this better by ending the world just a little bit!

Bonnie Bennett: That sounds like a great idea!

Jeremy the Vampire Slayer: Also, this is a dream! Also, you may have set your house on fire in your sleep.

Bonnie Bennett: Wow, it’s almost like I’m slowly losing control of my powers, posing a danger to myself and everyone around me!

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– Katherinesburg, OH – Causway of Convinience-

Rebekah: Elena Consuela Gilbert, you get your pert little butt back in this car right this instant!

Elena Gilbert: Chill out, Rebekah! I have to pee!

Rebekah: Okay, two things. One, we stopped at a gas station just ten minutes ago, and you could have peed there. Two, you’re a vampire, and you don’t even pee.

Elena Gilbert: Okay, so be “pee” I meant “tear out an innocent bystander’s throat in the middle of the sidewalk in broad daylight in front of dozens of witnesses, thereby demonstrating exactly how many shits I do not give.”

Rebekah: And I suppose you’ve forgotten all about our plan to track down Katherine, steal the cure, preserve your immortality and get me pregnant?

Elena Gilbert: Hey, maybe we’ll find a clue to Katherine’s whereabouts here in town!

Rebekah: Oh come on, the odds of running into someone who even knows who Katherine is in this random podunk town are about a million to–

Lanie: Hi Katherine! Good to see you again! Would you care for a quick sip from my cephalic vein? Have you picked up any other supernatural trinkets you’d like me to hide in my sock drawer? Any dastardly plans I can assist you with and then immediately forget?

Rebekah: …Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– New York – 1977 – City of Not Sleeping –

A Pretty Lady: Look! That guy is either dead or, like pretty much everyone else in this city at this time of night, passed out in the gutter after a sixteen hour gin and coke bender!

The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: What? I don’t see anyone there!

Damon Salvatore: Hi guys! My hair is awesome and you’re both dead!

A Pretty Lady: 🙁

The Pretty Lady’s Hapless Boyfriend: :-O

Damon Salvatore: :-)=

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– Castle Salvatore – Brothers of Bickering –

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Since I am contractually obligated to remove the fun from any and all situations, I must voice my deep concerns that Elena has become an interesting character!

Damon Salvatore: And as your roguish yet charming, slightly evil, and more attractive brother, I must disagree!

Stefan Salvatore: But Damon! She turned off her human emotions! And burned down her own house! While her brother was still inside!

Damon Salvatore: Oh come on … he was already dead!

Stefan Salvatore: And you aren’t the least bit concerned that the girl you love is going to turn into a clone of the girl you hate? You know, since she is played by the same actress and all.

Damon Salvatore: Please, it’s not like she’s throwing herself down in the middle of the road, waiting for some hapless jerk to stop and offer assistance, and then eating the poor fool as soon as they get out of the car!

– Mystic Falls – Highway to Hell –

Elena Gilbert: Woe is me! For I have fallen, and I can’t get up!

SOme Hapless Jerk: Egads, this is terrible! Allow me to offer assistance!

Elena Gilbert: :-)=

– Castle Salvatore – Brothers of Bickering –

Stefan Salvatore: You were saying?

Damon Salvatore: Shut up.

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries

– The Island of Misfit Vampires – Cavern of Crushed Hopes –

Stefan Salvatore: Hi Damon! Nice of you to join us! While you were off pulling splinters out of Rebekah’s paws, Katherine Pierce made her glorious return, ate Jeremy, and gave the scraps to Silas! Now Jeremy’s dead, Silas is alive, Katherine has the only thing that can kill him, Bonnie is off making googley eyes at her hallucinations, and Elena is sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth, singing Single Ladies to herself.

Damon Salvatore: Okay, well we just have to – wait, what? Single Ladies?

Stefan Salvatore: You know, if you like it you shoulda put a Magic Ring of Sometimes Not Dying on it?

Damon Salvatore: But Jeremy was one of the Five. The ring won’t work on him.

Stefan Salvatore: And therein lies the hook for the rest of the season.

Damon Salvatore: Okay! This calls for some decisive action. So you grab Elena and take her home, and I’ll be over here ignoring this whole damn thing. Later! Zoom!

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previously, on The Vampire Diaries

Also, this happened.

Galen Vaughn: Top o’ the morning to ya laddie! How be those wee vervain-soaked ropes treatin’ ya?

Damon Salvatore: Kinda itchy, but no worse than the ones Elena uses to tie me to the-

Galen Vaughn: Ah yes, wee Elena, born a doppelganger, recently turned vampire, pot o’ gold between the bow of her legs.

Damon Salvatore: So you’re the one that’s been peeking in through her windows at night! Huh, now I feel all bad about breaking Matt’s shins.

Galen Vaughn: Aye! I’a been spyin’ on the lot o’ ya! There’s Damon, who may not be as evil as he wishes everyone to believe, and Elena, who could charm the pants off a snake, and bonnie Bonnie, the witch, and …

– Thirty Minutes of Exposition Later –

Damon Salvatore: Oh Jesus, just kill me already.

Galen Vaughn: Not until I finish me Lucky Charms!

Damon Salvatore: Say, that’s a nice magic tattoo!

Galen Vaughn: Why thank ye laddie! Would ye believe that it just showed up out o’ the blue a few days ago?

Damon Salvatore: Oh yeah, that must have been due to the vampire genocide we committed a couple of episodes ago.

Galen Vaughn: What’s this now? I thought you were a vampire?

Damon Salvatore: Hos before bros, dude. Little Damon needs his fun, too.

The Lady of the Manor: Fun fact: Irish hunters have an additional super power … the power to make panties explode.

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