Thomas Galvin
Purveyor of Fine Pulp Fiction

I'm kind of an attention whore.

Previously, on True Blood

The Producers: So, Alan, we kind of need to have a talk…

Alan Ball: Yeah? What about? Want to congratulate me on how I managed to basically remove vampires from this show about vampires? Give me props for creating one of the least likable heroines in television history? High-five me for bringing Faeries roaring back into Prime Time television?

The Producers: Yeah, so, no. We actually wanted to talk to you about all of the useless characters you have on this show.

Alan Ball: What are you talking about? I murdered like eleventy billion people last episode!

The Producers: Yeah, and we’re really grateful for that. But see, there’s this guy, a… ‘blogger’, or something, and he keeps mailing us this list of people he wants killed off.

Alan Ball: So delete his emails.

The Producers: No, we mean he actually mails them to us. Like, five or six times a week. It’s actually kind of impressive. And scary. We think they’re written in blood. Anyway, we think the best thing for everybody is to just give in to his demands.

Alan Ball: So, who does he want killed off?

The Producers: You might want to sit down…

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Previously, on True Blood

The Producers: Hey guys? For this week’s Previously segment, let’s remind everyone how awesome it was that we killed off half the cast!

The Writers: Okay!

The Producers: And let’s make it seem like Sookie did something useful!

The Writers: …Okay.

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Previously, on True Blood

– Vampire Tolerance Festival – We’re Gonna Tolerate The Shit Out of You –

Antonia’s Mind-Whammied Vampire Drones: Kill all of the peoples.

Billy the Red Shirted Vampire: :-)=

Nan Flanagan, Spokesvampire: Hi Billy! Do you know what a pencil looks like? A very tiny stake.

Billy the Red Shirted Vampire: :-(=

Eric Northman: Hi Bill! Time to finally murder you!

Vampire Bill: Hi Eric! Time to shoot you full of silver bullets!

Sookie Stackhouse: HI everyone! Time for my magic vampire memory restoration powers to kick in!

Antonia: This… is unfortunate.

Eric Northman’s Balls: Hi, guys! Miss me?


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Previously, on True Blood

– Bon Temps Cemetery of Sorrow –

Some Guy off Camera: Bang!

Sookie Stackhouse: Dies.

Thomas: Thinks wishfully.

Alcide Herveaux: Don’t worry Sookie! I’ll save you!

Thomas: No! Bad dog! Heal!

Vampire Bill: No, I’llsave her!

Thomas: Bad vampire! You put her down! You put her down now!

The Fiancee: Give it up, honey.

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Previously, on True Blood

– Bill’s Mansion of Misery –

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Goes toward the light.

Jason Stackhouse: Super Jason tackling Jessica so she doesn’t become a tasty brisket powers activate!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Thanks Jason! You look delicious!

Jason Stackhouse: Wait, what?

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Fangs!

Jason Stackhouse: Blanket!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Pout!

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Previously, on True Blood

Thomas: Gets more and more depressed every time he watched the Previously crawl, because it reminds him how many plot lines he doesn’t care about.

– Bill’s Mansion of Misery –

Sheriff Luis: Om nom tasty necromancer nom!

Katerina Pelham: Bad vampire! No eating the prisoner!

Antonia: Psyche! Totally just schooled you! (Except she said it all Spanish and accent-ey)

Sheriff Luis: I can haz tasty snack?

Antonia: No.

Sheriff Luis: :-(=

Antonia: But you can break her neck.

Sheriff Luis: :-)=

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Previously, on True Blood

Sookie’s Eric’s Playhouse –

Eric Northman: Wink wink wink!

Sookie Stackhouse: Nudge nudge nudge!

Vampire Bill: Cock block cock block cock block!

Eric Northman: Super vampire…No, you know what? I’m not even going to activate my super vampire ass kicking powers, because you, sir, are a pussy.

Sookie Stackhouse: Also, your king.

Eric Northman: Gets down on his knees before Bill.

Thousands of Internet Slashfics: Are now canon.

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Previously, on True Blood

– The Lost Woods –

Joe Lee Mickens: Hi Tommy! We’re here to ruin another episode!

Thomas: Wants nothing for Christmas except for Sam’s Redneck Family to die.

Sams Brother Tommy: Well call me Santa, motherfucker! Lead pipe! Patricide! Lead pipe! Matricide!

Thomas: Jingle bells, jingle bells…

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Previously, on True Blood

Sookie’s Eric’s Playhouse –

Eric Northman: Om nom nom tasty stupid fairy nom!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bad Eric! No tinkerbell!

Eric Northman: :-)=

Sookie Stackhouse: Get in the house, young man!

Eric Northman: Super vampire super speed ass grab powers activate!

Sookie Stackhouse: Hey! No grabbass!

Eric Northman: I’m drunk of fairy blood! Wheeeee! I’m gonna run naked through the woods! Wheeeee!

Sookie Stackhouse: …Goddammit.

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Previously, on True Blood

– Bon Temps – Roadside of Ravishing –

Eric Northman: Why do you smell so…

Sookie Stackhouse: You know perfectly well why I smell… like I do.

Thomas: Resists the urge to make a Summer’s Eve joke.

Eric Northman: So… I would very much like to have you for dinner.

Sookie Stackhouse: And I would very much like to break your nose.

Eric Northman: Your resistance to having your throat torn open saddens me. As does my newfound case of amnesia.

Sookie Stackhouse: Goddamn vampires. Okay, what’s the last thing you remember?

Eric Northman: Crazy bitch with weird eyes, a pall of darkness falling over my life, losing all sense of self, purpose, and joy… and then I left your house and got mind raped by a witch.

Sookie Stackhouse: Well I guess I can help you get your memories back. But! There are some very important rules. One, there will be no winking. Two, there will be no nudging. Three, there will be no fanging. Four, I am contractually obligated to wink, nudge, and fang at least every third episode, so all of these rules will go flying out the window really soon.

Eric Northman: :-)=

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