Thomas Galvin
Purveyor of Fine Pulp Fiction

Triquetra
Nobody's weak. Everybody's strong. -Justin Pope

Previously, on True Blood…

– Fangtasia Bar and Tanning Salon –

Russell Edgington: Nice job with the silver handcuffs. It really was a great way to ensure that the two most popular characters on the show die.

Eric Northman: Thanks man. You know how we Vikings are. It’s kind of a scorched earth policy with us. Say, why did you slaughter my entire family, anyway?

Russell Edgington: Oh, my werewolves were hungry, and I wanted your goats.

Eric Northman: Seriously? This millennia-long struggle for vengeance was over odindamned goats?

Russell Edgington: Yep.

Jesus Godric: Eric, you must forgive him, as forgiveness is the only way to truly be at peace. And peace leads to love, and love leads to tender mansex. Also: he’s going to vampire heaven anyway, so killing him isn’t that big of a punishment.

Eric Northman: Fuck. You. (Translated from the Scandinavian)

Continue reading »

Previously, on True Blood

– Fangtasia – Waitress Detainment Center –

Vampire Bill: Suckhy! I will save you my darling!

Vampire Pam: She’s not here.

Vampire Bill: But she is! I can feel her fear drawing me here!

Vampire Pam: Oh, that. She’s… afraid… of you! Yeah, that’s it. She’s terrified you’re going to interrupt her passionate, primal sexytime with Eric.

Vampire Bill: Fangs!

Vampire Pam: Vampire mace!

Vampire Bill: Sadface!

Continue reading »

Previously, on True Blood

– Sookie’s Play Safehouse –

Sookie Stackhouse: I’m a fairy? How fucking lame.

Thomas: Is amazed that the writers had enough sense to put the audience’s words into Sookie’s mouth. Well done, show, well done.

Vampire Bill: Well they’re also called Fae and Little People and Old People and Aliens and-

Thomas: Shut up, Bill. Sookie was right. This is fucking lame.

Vampire Bill: Oh, and I should probably mention that Fae have the tastiest blood that ever was tasted, and you’ve got about as much chance as a Twinkie at Overeaters Anonymous. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Continue reading »

Previously, on True Blood

– Fangtasia – Nothing to See Here, Please Move Along –

Eric Northman: Holy shit everything is fucked oh Odin we are so fucked they’re going to have to invent a new word to describe how fucking fucked we are! Fuck!

Vampire Pam: What, did you finally realize Alan Ball is Team Bill!

Eric Northman: No, I murdered the Vampire King of Louisiana’s Vampire Boyfriend.

Vampire Pam: …goddammit. Hey, Methey the Coked Out Waitress! We need to crash at your place for a while!

Methey the Coked Out Waitress: Why, because of the Vampire Feds in the lobby?

Eric Northman and Vampire Pam: Sadface.

Nan Flanagan, Spokesvampire: Cuff ‘im, boys!

Eric Northman: Sadderface.

Continue reading »

Previously, on True Blood

– Louisiana Grace Hospital –

Vampire Bill: Sookie! My darling love!

Sookie Stackhouse: Freaks right out.

Alcide Herveaux: Grrr!

Vampire Bill: Back off!

Alcide Herveaux: I don’t take orders from vamps!

Thomas: I hate to interrupt, but didn’t you get dragged into all of this because Eric Northman told you to help Sookie?

Continue reading »

Previously, on True Blood

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Torture Palace –

Lorena the Crazy Maker: You know how every single supernatural creature on this show is obligated to ask Sookie “what are you?” It’s my turn.

Vampire Bill: Did I ever tell you that I studied Brazillian Jui Juitsu in Rio? Collar choke grapevine into rear mount powers activate!

Sookie Stackhouse: Did I ever tell you I studied carpentry in high school? Creating a makeshift stake out of random assortments of wood powers activate!

The Special Effects Crew: Did we ever tell you how the “Johnny Depp dies” scene in the original Nightmare on Elm Street is our favorite thing of ever? Turning Lorena into a gushing fountain of blood powers activate!

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Dies.

Continue reading »

Previously, on True Blood

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Leads Vampire Bill, Sookie Stackhouse, and various and sundry thugs back into his castle rather large house.

Vampire Bill: Suckhy! I must protect you! Super vampire ripping the banister apart and using it to stake the burly vampire bodyguard so that he explodes into a puddle of goop powers activate! (Except he activated his powers all formal and accent-ey)

The Burly Vampire Bodyguard: Dies.

Vampire Bill: Super vampire jumping onto the Queen King’s back and staking him with my makeshift weapon powers activate!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Hey there jackass, I’m like three thousand years old, and the strongest person in the room. What, did you think they made me King because of my fabulous fashion sense? Super vampire throwing Vampire Bill up into the ceiling then watching him collapse into a painful heap on the stairs powers activate!

Vampire Bill: Suckhy!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Vampire Bill: Eric! Get Sookie out of here!

Eric Northman: Well, I could do that, or I could present her to the King as a delicious telepathic Christmas snack.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eep!

Vampire Bill: Brood!

Eric Northman: Charm!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt!

– One Title Crawl Later –

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric, you poopyhead!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Off with Vampire Bill’s head!

Sookie Stackhouse: King, you poopyhead!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: The carpets! The walls! All is ruined!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Drama queen.

Vampire Bill: Eric, save Sookie!

Eric Northman: Smirk!

Thomas: Well, this certainly is a circle jerk.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric! Eric Eric Eric Eric Eri!

Eric Northman: Please shut up.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric!

Eric Northman: Mouth cover.

Thomas: Golf clap.

– Merlotte’s House of Booze –

The Bitchy Customer: Is bitchy.

Arlene Fowler: Lafayette! The bitch over at table five wants you to get your bitch ass into the kitchen and make her some bitch ass chicken and some bitch ass peas!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Want me to help? I make a mean man chowder.

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Yes.

Arlene Fowler: Ow! I cut my finger peeling this potato or something!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Fangs!

Arlene Fowler: The power of Christ compels you! To not eat me! Or my baby!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: …dumbass.

– The Moonlit Banks of the River Fornicate –

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: I ain’t no virgin!

Jason Stackhouse: Score!

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: But I ain’t no pervert, neither!

Jason Stackhouse: That’s okay, we can do it vanilla!

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: But I smell something and I have to go now okay bye bye!

Jason Stackhouse: Sniff sniff. I knew those Axe commercials were bullshit.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Library –

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric! I thought you loved me because I’m the specialist waitressed that ever was special!

Eric Northman: Look honey, I’m about to go all Ragnarok on the Queen King’s ass for murdering my daddy a thousand years ago. Do. Not. Fuck. This. Up. For. Me.

Sookie Stackhouse: Eric! I can do an Eric impersonation! I love Sookie because she’s special and blond and the lead actess </eric>

Eric Northman: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Can I be alone with the blond girl for a bit?

Eric Northman: Thank. Odin. Yes.

– Merlotte’s House of Female Bonding –

Arlene Fowler: God I wish that bitch customer would leave!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

The Bitchy Customer: Why, I have the sudden urge to stop eating, leave all of my money on the table, and wander into the lonely, dark recesses of Merlott’es Blood Bank!

Arlene Fowler: Money money money money!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Fangs!

Arlene Fowler: Um, I couldn’t but help hearing the pained screams, the thumping, and a gurgling sound which is suspiciously reminiscent of blood running out of a fanged jugular… is everything okay?

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Loooook into my eyyyyyyyyyyes.</dracula>

The Bitchy Customer: Why yes, everything is peaches and cream! Please pay no attention to the blood running out from under the scarf I tied around my neck in the ninety degree heat!

– Lafayette’s Shaggin’ Waggon –

Alan Ball: Let’s see how long we can drag out “will they or won’t they” with an on-screen, male, homosexual kiss!

Lafayette Reynolds and Jesus the Gay Nurse: Bitch please! They’re the healthiest, most normal couple on the show. Which probably means Jesus is an eldritch abomination summoned forth by Dick Cheney to give birth to the million evil seeds of the apocalypse or something.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Library –

Sookie Stackhouse and The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Play Truth or Dare.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: I dare you… to tell me what in the nine fires of hell you are before I skewer you with this red hot poker!

Sookie Stackhouse: I dare you… to tell me how little I really know about vampire society, even though I’m dating one vampire, and another, older, more powerful vampire has been going all Edward Cullen on me for the last couple of seasons!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: I dare you… to look at this file Vampire Bill has been keeping on you and your family, including these pedo-tastic photos, without breaking down and crying!

Sookie Stackhouse: Looses Truth or Dare.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Torture Palace –

Vampire Bill: So, any chance we can do this quick and painless?

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Nope! Scalpel!

– Franklin the Friendly Vampire’s Den of Iniquity –

Thomas: W. T. F.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Poker Parlor –

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Do you have any… nines?

Eric Northman: Go fish!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Eric! Let’s go kill somebody!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: You never take me anywhere!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Drama. Queen.

Eric Northman: Flips through the script. Odin, how many more pages before I get to kill these idiots? Odindammit.

– Vampire Bill’s Vampire Apartment – One Vacancy –

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Tara Thornton’s Brain: Don’t worry Sookie, I’m all hopped up on V now, and once the sun come’s up, I’m gonna kick some furry werewolf ass. Also: franklin’s getting staked.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Limo –

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So… Sookie?

Eric Northman: Yawn.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Werewolves?

Eric Northman: Ick.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Selling V to werewolves so they’ll help me take over the world?

Eric Northman: Whatevs.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Sigh. Do you remember the good old days? Before everything was polluted, and humans didn’t all taste like Cheetos?

Eric Northman: And the sky was clear and the moon was bright and my father hadn’t been murdered by your werewolves you stinking son of a soon to be dead bitch? Yeah, I have vague memories.

– Lafayette’s House of Ill Repute –

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hey, nice Virgin Mary collection! Of course, I call her [Some weird ass Voodoo name]!

Thomas: Goddammit Alan Ball…

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Oh, and hey, is that a bunch of rednecks taking a baseball bat to your shaggin waggon?

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Redneck bootstomp powers activate!

Redneck Numero Uno: Please stop hitting me! You seem like such a nice drug dealer!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Drug dealer! Take me home this instant! Pout!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Bitch.

– The Vampire Queen of Louisiana’s Vampire Cabana –

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Is trying to solve her financial woes by playing the Lotto. Which makes her as dumb as most humans.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, marry me?

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Fuck you.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Actually, that would be one of the benefits of marrying me: I’m gay, so you get to sleep with whoever you want. And I’ll pay off all of your debts.

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Suck it!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: And I’ll tell Eric not to rip your head off for selling him out and getting his Progeny tortured at the hands of the Magister.

Eric Northman: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen of Louisiana: Deal!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Happy dance!

Eric Northman: Charm!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Melt!

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Torture Palace –

Vampire Bill: Lorena, I disagree with your lifestyle, and regret partaking in it. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Cooter and Debbie Van Pelt: Whoo! Vampire blood! Whee!

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Blood Tears!

– Merlotte’s Trailer of Familial Bonding –

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

Thomas: Gets a snack.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Tara Thornton: Wakes up next to Franklin (and covered in his blood).

Thomas: Wow, that sure is a nice collection of axes on the wall.

Tara Thornton: Creeps toward the axes.

Thomas: Do it. Do it do it do it!

Tara Thornton: Does it.

Thomas: Holy shit. But why didn’t you decapitate him…?

– Hot Shot –

Jason Stackhouse: Hi Crystal! I’m here to make things awkward between you and your fiance!

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Tara Thornton: Hi! You look dumb enough to believe that Talbot had me bring Sookie a special meal, so could you open the door? Also: sack tap!

– Merlotte’s House of Revelations –

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Bitch.

Arlene Fowler: Hey Sam, just thought you should know your redneck family is breaking your “no pets” rule, what with that big, ugly pitbull that they-

Sam Merlotte: Running off to rescue my little brother from Michael Vick powers activate!

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Tara Thornton: Sookie, you’re an idiot.

Everyone: Agrees.

– QB One’s Tiny Little Car on the Roadside –

QB One and Some Chick: Hump hump hump hump hump!

Jason Stackhouse: Sir, step out of the car please.

Announcer: Tonight, on a very special You’re a Goddamn Idiot, Jason learns the meaning of the phrases Impersonating an Officer of the Law and Wrongful Detainment.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Cooter and Debbie Van Pelt: Whee! Vampire blood! Whoo!

Sookie Stackhouse: White. Trash.

Tara Thornton: Oh shit a werewolf oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Alcide Herveaux: It’s okay! I’m hot! And a good guy!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Hi Sookie! Fangs!


The Plot: Thickens.


On to the next episode!

Previously, on True Blood

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Okay Tara, you just sit right here in this chair. To which I have tied you. With excessively thick ropes.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Dude, she totally clashes with the drapes.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Fangs!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi, Vampire Bill, and Lorena: Walk in covered in stripper blood.

Tara Thornton: Hi Bill!

Vampire Bill: …goddammit.

– One Title Crawl Later –

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: I don’t like it when you bring strange men home! Pout!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Hello? King? Doing King-type stuff? Sometimes that involves talking to other men. Drama queen.

Tara Thornton: Hi Bill it’s really good to see you Bill and we sure did miss you Bill but since you’re here can you maybe untie me and get me the hell out of here?

Vampire Bill: Yawn.


The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, the girl?

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Dude, she’s a trainwreck! Can’t hold a job, can’t keep a steady boyfriend… we’re like twins!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Fair enough. And Bill Compton?

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Well, this file full of photos from when Sookie was a kid means he’s either a big time pedo, or the Vampire Queen of Louisiana sent him to befriend her in order to gain access to her telepathic powers. Or both.

– Alcide’s House of Abs –

Alcide Herveaux: Grr! Me am angry werewolf! Angry werewolf drive like asshole!

Sookie Stackhouse: Say, when you’re done trying to murder us with a pothole, could you take me to see the Vampire Queen King of Mississippi? I’m pretty sure that won’t be life threatening for either of us! Tee hee!

Alcide Herveaux: Facepalm.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Eric Northman: I-

Thomas: Squee!

Eric Northman: Wait, what?

Alice Cullen: He does that. You get used to it.

Thomas: Squee!

Alice Cullen: See?

Eric Northman: Oh. All right then. So, I told you, I come in peace, and you can get your goon-hands off of me.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Hello there? Who is this?

Eric Northman: Charm.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt.


Eric Northman: So, long story short, Bill Compton went missing, and he’s suspected of selling vampire blood.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Well, what a happy coincidence! Vampire Bill just happens to be my new Sheriff! Let’s ask him if that’s true!

Vampire Bill: Hi Eric!

Eric Northman: Huh. Well that’s awkward. But if you’re here, that means Sookie’s…

Vampire Bill: No longer mine. Grumble.

Eric Northman: Victory dance!

Vampire Bill: But, no. I already told the King that you’ve been dealing V on the Queen’s orders.

Eric Northman: Viking curse words. So, new plan. Wanna help me murder the Magister?

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Your idea intrigues me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Eric Northman: Victory dance! Again!

– Alcide’s House of Abs –

Debbie Van Pelt: The Vampire Queen King’s gonna murder you if anyone finds out about the biker bar full of werewolves hopped up on vampire blood!

Sookie Stackhouse: Hi!

Debbie Van Pelt: White trash rage powers activate!

Sookie Stackhouse: Taunting the supernatural with no regard for my safety, or the safety of the guy protecting me, powers activate!

Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: So, do you like your new nightgown? And your new bed? And your new restraints?

Tara Thornton: …yes?

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Yay! Also, who the fuck is Lafayette? I thought you said no boyfriends? Throat grab!

Tara Thornton: Cousin! Also: gay!

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Oh, good! Say, wanna see something cool? Vampire texting really fast powers activate!

Thomas: 0_o

– Bon Temps Sheriff’s Station –

Jason Stackhouse: Hi guys! I’m her to blackmail Andy into giving me a job! Is he in?

– Sam’s (Rental) House of Redneck –

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

Thomas: Runs to get a drink.

– Alcide’s House of Abs –

Alcide Herveaux’s Brain: I should sneak off and tell the Packmaster about the vampires and the blood and the brands and the almost-were sex.

Sookie Stackhouse: Why, I’d love to meet the Packmaster! Thanks so much for inviting me!

Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.

– Bon Temps Sheriff’s Station –

Jason Stackhouse: Is a train wreck.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Tara Thornton: Run away!

Cooter: I protest!

– Merlotte’s House of Bromance –

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Hi Lafayette!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Is my momma dead?

Jesus the Gay Nurse: No! I came here to… see you.

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Is someone saying I deal drugs? Because it’s a damn lie, and I’ll cut anyone that says otherwise!

Jesus the Gay Nurse: No! I thought we could… go see a movie?

Lafayette Reynolds: …

Jesus the Gay Nurse: Together?

Lafayette Reynolds: …

Jesus the Gay Nurse: I’m gay!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Sweet.

– Middle of Nowhere –

Alcide Herveaux: So, what do you want to do about the vampires and the werewolves and the blood and the almost-were sex?

Packmaster Fraidycat: Run and hide until it’s all over?

Alcide Herveaux: Goddammit.

– Bon Temps Sheriff’s Station –

Jason Stackhouse: Washes a Sheriff’s car. Nakedly.

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Drives by. Sultry-ly.

Jason Stackhouse: Steals a cop car to chase her down. License and registration, please.

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Nope.

Jason Stackhouse: Name and phone number?

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Dude, you’re not a cop. You’re not even wearing clothes.

Jason Stackhouse: Date at Merlotte’s?

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: …maybe.

– Merlotte’s House of Catfights –

Arlene Fowler: Hi Jessica! I won’t look you in the eyes because you dead people like to hypnotize us alive people! </racist>

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Hi customers! Be sure not to tip your waitress! </vampire-mind-whammy>

Hoyt Fortenberry: Hi Jessica! This is my girlfriend, Jenny the Extra, who I’m bringing around because you never call!

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Screw him. He’s a redneck, and you’re hot. Let’s have sex.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Whaaa! My prisoner lover tried to escape from me? Why? Why? Why?!?

Tara Thornton: Um, if I tell you that it’s because the other vampires scare me, will you not eat me?


The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: So, Franklin found Sookie’s family tree in your house, and I’m pretty sure your Queen has you looking into human telepathy.

Vampire Bill: Nope. That’s bullshit. Sir. (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

– Merlotte’s House of Booze –

Andy Bellefleur: Stackhouse! Good news! They’re gonna make you a deputy! All you have to do is pass the physical!

Jason Stackhouse: Score!

Andy Bellefleur: And the written exam!

Jason Stackhouse: Sadface!


Lafayette Reynolds and Jesus the Gay Nurse: Bitch please! Flirt.


Sam’s Brother Tommy: Hey, can I stay with you tonight?

Sam Merlotte: Sure, just tell your family where you’ll be.

Sam’s Brother Tommy: I’m thinking… no.

Sam Merlotte: Why? What’s your redneck father want from you?

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Hey look at the time got to be going nice talking to you see you later bye bye!

Thomas: Great. Sam’s Redneck Father is a Redneck Pedophile. Goddammit, show.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Cooter: Hey, did you hear that your Bon Temps waitress is sucking werewolf cock now? Right here in Jacksonville?

Vampire Bill: Super vampire kicking the werewolf’s ass until he tells me where Sookie is powers activate!

Burly the Big Vampire Bodyguard: Lumbers in dumbly.

Vampire Bill: Super vampire kicking burly vampire bodyguard’s ass so I can go rescue Sookie powers activate!

– Merlotte’s House of Hanky Panky –

Jason Stackhouse: I thought you stood me up!

Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Nope! Here I am! And now I’m leaving!

Jason Stackhouse: But wait! We haven’t had out “make out on a moonlit riverside” scene yet!

Jason Stackhouse and Crystal the Weird Blond Chick: Make out on a moonlit riverside.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Eric Northman: So, can you help me get my Progeny back from the Magister yet?

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Actually, I have to go let a werewolf suck on my wrist for a bit. But can you keep my boy toy occupied for a while? I think he’s got a crush on you.

Lorena the Crazy Maker: Hi… Eric?

Eric Northman: …interesting.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Boys only!

Eric Northman: Charm.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: Melt.

– Sam’s Trailer –

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

Thomas: Runs to the bathroom.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Tara Thornton: Baby, we need to talk.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Don’t say that. Women say that, everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts.

Thomas: Loves this show.

Tara Thornton: No no no, it’s just that I haven’t eaten in like three episodes, and I’m kind of hungry.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Headsmack! Of course! Let’s go to a fancy restaurant!

Tara Thornton: Yay!

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: We can celebrate your last day as a human!

Tara Thornton: …fuck.


The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and here’s where we keep our Japanese porn cartoons…

Eric Northman: Saucy!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and this is our shelf full of ancient weapons

Eric Northman: Exotic!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Boyfriend: …and this is where we keep the crown we took from your father’s head after we killed your whole family with werewolves!

Eric Northman: …I am going to murder everyone in this house. Twice.

– Alcide’s House of Abs –

Vampire Bill: Suckhy!

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill!

Vampire Bill: You must GTFO! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Cooter: Hi! I’m here to kidnap you!

Sookie Stackhouse: Weird hands of light that throw away the evil supe powers activate!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Wheeee! That was fun! Do it again!


The Plot: Thickens.


On to the next episode!

Previously, on True Blood

– Alcide’s House of Abs –

Sookie Stackhouse: Hey, let me just bandage up that wound you got saving my dumb ass from the were-rapist I poked with a sharp stick while wearing fuck-me pumps and no bra.

Alcide Herveaux: Sweet! I’ll just take off my clothes.

Sookie Stackhouse: Wow, you sure are… rippley. Do all werewolves have abs like that?

Jacob “Abs” Black: Sure do!

Alcide Herveaux: You know, my fiance just left me for another dog man, and I’m rather… lonely.

Sookie Stackhouse’s Cell Phone: Rings (in)conveniently.

Vampire Bill: Hi Sookie! Just calling to say that we’re done, because you’re all lame and fragile, and Lorena can fuck like a cyborg bunny. Later! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Thomas: Has a flashback to “that scene”.

Sookie Stackhouse: Weep. Whoever shall comfort me?

Team Eric: May we make a suggestion?

– One Title Crawl Later –

Sookie Stackhouse: Weep! What did he mean, she’s better in bed than I am? Weep!

Alcide Herveaux: I’m pretty sure it means he doesn’t want to see you anymore.

Sookie Stackhouse: The man I love would never break up with me over the phone!

Alcide Herveaux: Yeah, and the girl I love would never hook up with an unwashed were-rapist. Breakups always kick you in the nut sack.

Sookie Stackhouse: But I don’t have a nut sack!

Alcide Herveaux: …You probably want some privacy.

Sookie Stackhouse: That’s the last thing I want! I want some dick one to comfort me with his penis.

Alcide Herveaux: …I’m going to go get dressed now.

– Merlotte’s House of Blues –

Sam Merlotte: Wow, my redneck family sure are rednecks.

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

– Sookie’s Playhouse –

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Tell me about Sookie and Vampire Bill…</vampire-mind-whammy>

Tara Thornton: They’re horrible people who leave a path of destruction in their wake, ruining the lives of everyone they come into contact with. Also: Sookie’s a telepath and Bill’s lame.

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Hmm. Let’s play a game. It’s called “I’ll move my mouth, and you’ll tell Sookie exactly what I want her to hear,” okay?

Franklin as Tara Thornton: Hey Sookie! Bill’s an asshole, am I right? Why don’t you give me your address so I can come and murder you pick you up?

Sookie Stackhouse: That’s okay, I’ve got a werewolf to cuddle. Talk to you tomorrow!

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Dammit. Ah well. Fangs!

Thomas: Resists the urge to make a “penetration” joke.

– Bill’s Prison Suite –

Lorena the Vampire: Wow, that sex sure was great! I’m so happy we’re back together!

Vampire Bill: Have you ever heard the term rebound girl? Dumbass. Also: Facepunch! (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

– Sookie’s Unexpectedly Upscale Hotel –

Eric Northman: Hi Sookie! I can fly!

Sookie Stackhouse: That’s hot! Let’s have rebound sex!

Thomas: This better not be a dream.

Spoiler: It is.

– Alcide’s House of Abs. And eggs. The good kind, not the “Emo emo emo, I zombie-killed a bunch of people kind. –

Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I don’t believe Bill doesn’t want me anymore, because I’m the bestest most important person in the world, so I’m going to keep looking for him. And since I need more intel, I need you to take me to your ex-finance’s engagement party tonight. Maybe I can get almost-raped again! Tee hee!

Alcide Herveaux: Fuck off.

Thomas: Slow clap, building to thunderous applause.

– Lafayette’s Pimp Mobile –

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! (Indecipherable mumblings) Call me!

Tara Thornton: I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m all tied up! (Literally)

– Alcide’s House of Abs –

Sookie Stackhouse: Hi, Alcide’s sister! Can you whore me up some?

Janice Herveaux: …?

Sookie Stackhouse: Some more?

Janice Herveaux’s Brain: I can’t believe my brother’s ex-fiance Debbie is getting initiated into that evil were-pack tonight, and other plot-important stuff.

Janice Herveaux: Hey, did I mention how my brother’s relationship parallels yours in an ironic way?

– Merlotte’s House of Blues –

Sheriff Bud Dearborn: Fuck this job. Good luck, Andy!

Deputy Kenya Jones: So the only way to get a promotion is to become an alcoholic, have a mental breakdown, and kill a black man? Fantastic.

Thomas: Loves it when characters make sense.

Jason Stackhouse: Starts some shit. With a bunch of high school kids.

Arlene Fowler: I’m so overworked! Sam, you’ve got to start looking out for your own. (Hint: he’s going to give his redneck family jobs.)

– Alcide’s House of Abs –

Sookie Stackhouse: Is all slutted up.

Thomas: Approves.

Sookie Stackhouse: Hey Alcide! Your sister is a V addict, and she’s joining Cooter’s gang tonight. I’m telling you this because I thought you’d want to know, not because I can use it to manipulate you into going back to Lou Pine’s House of Let’s Kick Alcide’s Ass. Tee hee!

Alcide Herveaux: Wall punch.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Hey, did you know that vampires can smoke?

Vampire Bill: Hey, did you know the Queen has Eric selling vampire blood, because she’s broke? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: IRS?

Vampire Bill: IRS. Oh, and hey, can you murder Lorena for me?

– Date Rape Motel –

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Hi Tara! I’m still super creepy! And I brought you flowers!

– Merlotte’s House of Blues –

Sam Merlotte: Hi Baby Vamp Jessica! How’d you like a job at Merlotte’s? Don’t eat the customers! lol

Chip the Godbot: Jesus! Jessica Hamby? Praise god! It’s good to see you! Hallelujah! How’ve you been? Bible! </stereotype>

– Inbred, Louisiana –

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Wanna buy some V?

Inbred Rednecks: Nah, we’re just gonna queer-stomp you.

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Sadface.

– Merlotte’s House of Blues –

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Mindy-whammies the Godbot. More so than usual.

Hoyt Fortenberry: Sees Jessica and Chip sitting together, and mopes.

Thomas: Oh good, a Triangle of Romantic Misunderstanding. I was hoping for one of those.

– Inbred, Louisiana –

Eric Northman: Lafayette rescuing powers activate! So… if you don’t agree to buy Lafayette’s V, I’m going to kill your brother-cousins.

Inbred Redneck: Gurgle! Choke! Sputter!

Eric Northman: Excellent. Let’s go, RuPaul.

Thomas: <3

– Franklin’s Creepy Ass Car –

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Hi Tara! Let’s go for a creepy ass ride!

– The Lost Woods –

Sam Merlotte: Hey Tommy, I brought you your clothes. Feel like a heart to heart?

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Not really. Why’d you even look us up, anyway?

Sam Merlotte: The writers are contractually obligated to have at least one sub-plot no one cares about each season. It gives the audience time to use the bathroom.

Sam’s Brother Tommy: Oooooooh…

– Lafayette’s Pimp Mobile –

Eric Northman: So Lafayette, about your sales technique…. hold on, phone call.

Vampire Pam: Hi Eric! The Magister is raiding your club, looking for V. Looks like the Queen set you up. I have to go (be tortured) now. Later!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! I’m gonna be the best V seller that ever sold V!

Eric Northman: Dissapearing out the car window and flying to my Progeny’s rescue powers activate!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! …that was pretty cool.

– Merlotte’s House of Blues –

Jason Stackhouse: I’d like to be a cop now, please.

Andy Bellefleur: …

Jason Stackhouse: Since I’ve already done so much.

Andy Bellefleur: …

Jason Stackhouse: Like shoot Eggs.

Andy Bellefleur: …

Jason Stackhouse: Which you took credit for.

Andy Bellefleur: …

Jason Stackhouse: Hello? I’m blackmailing you?

Andy Bellefleur: Oh! Right, one job, coming up!

– Merlotte’s Parking Lot –

Sam Merlotte: So, would you guys like a place to stay? And maybe some jobs?

Sam’s Redneck Family: Boy would we!

Thomas: Goddammit.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Castle Rather Large House –

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Hi Audience! I work for the people who kidnapped Bill! Bet you didn’t see that coming!

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Limo –

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Bill, go get us a stripper to eat, would you? Lorena, wait here while I… do something else.

Vampire Bill: Hi Stripper Chick! Do you have a husband, or kids, or any social connections that would make your disappearance inconvenient for me? (Except he said it all formal and accent-ey.)

Stripper Chick: Nope! In fact, I’m mildly suicidal!

Vampire Bill: Score!

– Lou Pine’s Bar –

Alcide Herveaux’s Brain: Okay Sookie, check out the party, and try to keep a low profile.

Sookie Stackhouse: Whoo I am the queen of shots whoo!

Alcide Herveaux’s Brain: Yes, exactly like that. Goddammit.

– Eric’s Love Dungeon –

The Magister: Tortures Pam.

Vampire Pam: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow fuck ow.

Eric Northman: Let her go! She’s innocent! It was all…

Vampire Pam: Vampire Bill?

Eric Northman: …yes, Vampire Bill, who has conveniently gone missing, and whom I am currently framing investigating.

– Lou Pine’s Bar –

Alcide Herveaux: Debbie! I still love you! You can do better than this!

Debbie Pelt: You make a valid, poignant argument. On the other hand, I could just let the crowd rip off my clothes in front of you.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Hi guys! I just dropped by to give you some vampire blood, which you will drink while church music plays softly in the background, in a subtle homage to Christian mythology. Have fun branding the bitch!

Debbie Pelt: Gets a red-hot silver poker shoved… um, onto her back.

Cooter: Takes off his clothes.

Thomas: Please don’t fuck her on the floor in front of everyone…

Cooter: Turns into a wolf.

Thomas: Please don’t fuck her as a wolf.

Alcide Herveaux: Sookie, we’re gonna pull a Michael Jackson here, so you might want to run away.

Sookie Stackhouse: You’re going to molest a bunch of little boys?

Alcide Herveaux: Um, no, I was talking about Thriller, where he turns into a werewolf and eats his girlfriend.

Sookie Stackhouse: Oh! Runs away.

– The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Vampire Limo –

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Fangs!

Lorena: Fangs!

Vampire Bill: Reluctant fangs!

Stripper Chick: Dies.


The Plot: Thickens.


On to the next episode!

Previously, on True Blood

-Sookie’s Playhouse-

Sookie Stackhouse: Huh, a werewolf. Well, I think I can solve this problem. Bang!

Eric Northman: Is fast enough to watch the bullet flying through the air, and jump in front of it. Which he does.

Naked Werewolf Guy: Vampire blood! Yippee!

Eric Northman: Who is your master?!?

Naked Werewolf Guy: No way, dude, he’d murder me to death. You might as well kill me yourself, if I told you.

Eric Northman: As you wish. Fangs!

Sookie’s Playhouse: Is, by now, the murder capital of Louisiana.

Eric Northman: …sorry about the carpet.

-The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Castle Rather Large House-

Lorena the Vampire: Being lit on fire is rather bothersome, don’t you think?

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Boyfriend: Not the Celtic tapestry!

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Oh, really, could you be any more of a drama queen? We’ll just put a plant in front of it or something. Anyway, Vampire Bill, how are things with your human? Planning on turning her? Spending eternity with her?

Vampire Bill: Haha, no, I was planning on dumping her in a couple of decades.

-Sookie’s Playhouse-

Eric Northman: What ho! A freshly dug grave! Perfect for hiding (another) body in!

Sookie Stackhouse: Sorry about shooting you. How’s the bullet wound?

Eric Northman: It’d be better if you sucked the bullet out. Like you did the last time this happened.

Sookie Stackhouse: Oh no you don’t mister. I’m only getting tricked into giving you… medicinal sucking… once. You’re on your own. So, can we go to Jackson now?

Eric Northman: Let’s see… go to Jackson, trespass on a foreign King’s territory, piss off my Queen, all so I can rescue your boyfriend, and my chief rival? I’m thinking… no. Also: I can fly and Bill is lame.

-Tara’s Trailer-

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Excuse me while I have the most disturbing orgasm ever filmed.

Tara Thornton’s Eyes: Roll back in her head.

Tara Thornton: Bite me! Bite me!

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: No… because you want me to, and that’s just no fun.

Thomas: Wow, you went from “creeper” to “uber-creeper” in like two seconds flat. Well done.

-Sam’s Redneck Family’s Redneck Trailer-

Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

-Jason’s Bromance Palace-

Jason Stackhouse: I’m gonna be a cop!

Hoyt Fortenberry: Weren’t you being accused of murder a couple of weeks ago?

Jason Stackhouse: They’re gonna give me a gun!

-Tara’s Trailer-

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: So, you have a boyfriend?

Tara Thornton: Eggs! Eggs! Eggs Eggs Eggs!

Thomas: Franklin, just between us, you can go ahead and fang her now.

-Eric’s Lair Nightclub-

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: Pam! Help!

Pam the Vampire: Ok, I was right in the middle of this stripper chick, so this had better be good!

Jessica the Teenage Vampire: The dead body’s gone!

Pam the Vampire: Your problem is that you don’t have a dead body in your house. Goodbye. To the stripper chick: Hello. Lesbian fangs!

-Merlotte’s Murder Emporium-

Sam Merlotte: Wait, Eggs was killed in my parking lot, too? Thank god there aren’t any other bars around here, or I’d be out of business.

-Jason’s Bromance Palace-

Hoyt Fortenberry: So, Jessica says we can’t be together…

Jason Stackhouse: Easy solution. Sleep with someone hotter.

-Doctor Dreamkiller’s Office of Pregnancy Revelations-

Doctor Dreamkiller: Well, looks like you’re about nine weeks pregnant.

Arlene Fowler: But that would mean… the daddy is Rene, the crazy serial killer from Season One! Dun dun dun!

-Bon Temps Cemetery-

The Coroner Whose Name Thomas Can’t Be Bothered to Look Up: Hey Tara… just wanted to let you know we’re burring your dead boyfriend, and you’re the only one who cares!

Sookie Stackhouse: Except me! I bought him a nice casket! Because I drove him insane with my mind powers!

-Flashback! 1868-

Vampire Bill: My beloved, I have returned!

Caroline Compton: My husband! Our children are dead! And you’re… rather cold. And crying blood. And you have fangs. And I really thought that shotgun was going to do more to you than it did.

Vampire Bill: My human life was taken from me. I am-

Caroline Compton: Demon! Demon Demon Demon! Freaks right out.

Lorena the Vampire: Let me help. Caroline… I’m going to snap your neck now, but it’s going to be lots of fun…</vampire-mind-whammy>

-Bon Temps Body Disposal Ditch-

Jason Stackhouse: Has the “I showed up to school naked, and everyone has a bullet hole in their head” dream that we all have.

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! Sign this paper so we can gets to work.

Hoyt Fortenberry: I found a body!

Everyone: Jesus, another one?

-Sookie’s Playhouse-

Sookie Stackhouse: Well, it’s time to clean the blood off my floor. Again. Also, time to escape this werewolf that’s sneaking up behind me. Again.

Alcide Herveaux: Woah there, I’m a good werewolf! Which you can tell be the fact that Eric sent me! Because his taste in friends is above reproach!

-Merlotte’s Fine Family Dining-

Sam’s Redneck Family: Hi Sam! We’re here to make your life miserable!

-Bon Temps Body Disposal Ditch-

Andy Bellefleur: Well, the head and hands have been torn clean off, and the body drained of blood. I’m thinking vampire.

Sheriff Bud Dearborn: You know what? Fuck this job.

-Sookie’s Playhouse-

Alcide Herveaux’s Brain: Is it true you can read minds?

Sookie Stackhouse: Yep!

Alcide Herveaux’s Brain: Holy shit!

Sookie Stackhouse: Language! Anyway, who’s up for a trip to Jackson, to stir up trouble with their former pack, and the Vampire Queen King of Louisiana?

Alcide Herveaux’s: …goddammit.

-Flashback! 1868-

Lorena the Vampire: What have we learned?

Vampire Bill: Stay away from the humans. Unless you’re going to eat them.

Lorena the Vampire: Good boy. Head pat.

-The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Castle Rather Large House-

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Honey, go get Cooter the Werewolf a Zima, would you?

Cooter the Werewolf: Grr. Pout. Grr.

Vampire Bill: Your majesty, I have considered carefully your proposal, and in the interest of my safety, and the safety of those for whom I care, I hereby renounce my fielty to Mississippi, and swear my loyalty to your Majesty.

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Happy dance!

Lorena the Vampire: And what about Sookie?

The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi: Well if Vampire Bill’s going to play nice, there’s no need to harm her, is there?

Lorena the Vampire: Pout!

Vampire Bill: Score!

-Merlotte’s Drunken Mourning-

Jason Stackhouse: Hi Tara! I’m sorry I killed your boyfriend! I’ll be over here not looking at your forehead!

Tara Thornton: …freak.

-Lafayette’s House of Awesome-

Eric Northman: You’ve proven rather valuable… have you ever thought of going into business as a drug kingpin? Also: I got you a sports car.

Lafayette Reynolds: Bitch please! …I’ll let you know.

-Merlotte’s House of I Can’t Come Up With Any More Names For This Damn Place-

Arlene Fowler: I’m pregnant!

Terry Bellefleur: I’m gonna be a daddy? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! My life has meaning now! Crazy eyes!

Arlene Fowler: …oh hell.


Sam’s Redneck Family: Are rednecks.

-Vampire Bill’s Vampire Estate-

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Hi Jessica! I hid that body for you. In plan sight. Also, I brought the head along, because I’m a huge freak. So, let’s talk about Vampire Bill!

-Merlotte’s-

Sam’s Bird-Shaped Brother Tommy: Is breaking into Sam’s safe.

Sam Merlotte: I object!

-Lou Pine’s Beer-

Thomas: Sees what you did there.

Sookie Stackhouse: Is a bit… chilly.

Sookie Stackhouse: I love vampires! They’re so big and strong… tee hee!

King Were-Douche: Not as strong as me! I just beat up a vampire last night!

Sookie Stackhouse: Take me to my boyfriend!

King Were-Douche: How ’bout I take you in the back room?

Alcide Herveaux: How ’bout I kick your ass?

Big Bald & Black Bouncer: How ’bout I help?

-Sookie’s Playhouse-

Franklin the Friendly Vampire: Hi Tara! I’m a creepy ass creeper! Also: vampire mind whammy powers activate!

Tara Thornton: …please come in and ravage me.

-The Vampire Queen King of Mississippi’s Castle Rather Large House-

Lorena the Vampire: So, have you finally learned that you can never be with a human?

Vampire Bill: I have… but I will never love you!

Lorena the Vampire: Okay… how about some hate sex, then?

Vampire Bill: Yes please!


The Plot: Thickens.


On to the next episode!