Kai: And then I went to Disneyland and peed on all the robots! And then I went to Chuck E Cheese and pooped in the ball pit! And then I went to the White House, and got all the way to the Oval Office, and then I–
Damon Salvatore: If you say one word about a cigar, I will murder you with my eyebrows.
Bonnie Bennett: Damon, no! We need this guy to escape the perpetual hell that is your plaid shirt and my skorteralls!
Damon Salvatore: …You are so lucky that I experienced so much personal growth last season.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Greaser Joe! I need a few days off, and someone to take my recently-murdered girlfriend into the woods, bury her body, and leave his fingerprints all over the crime scene!
Greaser Joe: Yeah, no, that doesn’t sound like something I want to do at all!
Stefan Salvatore: ~~~look into my eyes~~~
Greaser Joe: On second thought, Holy fucking shit did you just admit to murder for no good reason?!?
Stefan Salvatore: Of course not! I have a very good reason. That reason is exposition for everyone who missed last week’s episode. Also, I’m kind of lonely and you’re the only person I have to talk to.
Damon Salvatore: Oh no! I’m trapped in an empty hell dimension, forced to live out eternity with no company except my own dark thoughts!
Bonnie Bennett: But Damon, I’m here!
Damon Salvatore: You’re right! It’s even worse that I imagined!
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries…
I, uh … huh. Hmm. Let’s see. Elena and Caroline went to college, and so did Ghost Bonnie? And Elena’s roommate got murdered super quick, because being anywhere around Elena is terribly dangerous? And I guess the college was run by Elena’s adoptive daddy’s bad-guy buddies, and they went around torturing vampires and stuff? And Damon got turned into a bigger monster, but then he got better? And he also found his long-lost best friend, who then killed himself by getting fisted by Stefan? And Katherine
was aweseome went to Hell? And then there were a bunch of Gypsies Travelers who did a whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing and took over Mystic Falls? And then they used Elena’s and Stefan’s blood to make magic not a thing anymore? And then everyone died? Except Blondie the Albino Witch did a spell, and Bonnie brought them all back? Except Damon, because he was super tired of this shit? I guess?
Whatever. Alaric is back, so your argument is irrelevant.
Cute Young Guy: Hey there cute young girl, can I interest you in some underage alcohol, followed by some illicit sex!
Cute Young Girl: You sure can! But first we should totally go check out that strange noise!
Cute Young Guy: That sounds like a totally reasonable and not at all dangerous plan!
Cute Young Girl: I sure hope it isn’t a vampire or something! Tee hee!
Sheriff Forbes: Nope! It’s just me, the friendly neighborhood murder hider!
Cute Young Guy: Awesome! I thought we were in real trouble!
The Shadowy Form of a Fanged Former Cheerleader: Rawr!
Sheriff Forbes: Oh well, you guys are on your own! Tee hee!