Kai: And then I went to Disneyland and peed on all the robots! And then I went to Chuck E Cheese and pooped in the ball pit! And then I went to the White House, and got all the way to the Oval Office, and then I–
Damon Salvatore: If you say one word about a cigar, I will murder you with my eyebrows.
Bonnie Bennett: Damon, no! We need this guy to escape the perpetual hell that is your plaid shirt and my skorteralls!
Damon Salvatore: …You are so lucky that I experienced so much personal growth last season.
Stefan Salvatore: Hi Greaser Joe! I need a few days off, and someone to take my recently-murdered girlfriend into the woods, bury her body, and leave his fingerprints all over the crime scene!
Greaser Joe: Yeah, no, that doesn’t sound like something I want to do at all!
Stefan Salvatore: ~~~look into my eyes~~~
Greaser Joe: On second thought, Holy fucking shit did you just admit to murder for no good reason?!?
Stefan Salvatore: Of course not! I have a very good reason. That reason is exposition for everyone who missed last week’s episode. Also, I’m kind of lonely and you’re the only person I have to talk to.
Damon Salvatore: Oh no! I’m trapped in an empty hell dimension, forced to live out eternity with no company except my own dark thoughts!
Bonnie Bennett: But Damon, I’m here!
Damon Salvatore: You’re right! It’s even worse that I imagined!